Gwyneth Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 He very well might have been in the wrong marriage and this could be because of his drug addiction and everything. He also might be a different and better person now--the wife might bring the dark side out of him that he doesn't want. Maybe the OP is bringing him the hope he needs to suceed in life. We can't gaurantee that he will cheat on you--that's not always the case. I asked my father if he cheated on his wife whom he cheated on my mom with, and he said "no, I would Never do that again." So, men learn (sometimes). I also think it's really smart for him to say that he wants to live on his own first--very good move, and shows me just by what you are saying, that he's trying to grow up and be independent. I'd say to take your chance if you feel you have to, but be open-minded and Very careful!
bentnotbroken Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 He's been clean for the 2 yrs he was locked up and the year and a half he's been out. The only person he's in contact with from that lifestyle is his wife, who he is also trying to get away from. I will mention that his wife (and kids) live with her sister and her family. He went there because it was the only place he could go when he got out. Nobody else would take him in. Again, they weren't even together when he got locked up and their entire relationship together revolved around the drug life. Now that he's sober and wanting more out of his life, he sees he doesn't want to be with her (she's only staying clean because he demands it). He's there for financial convenience while he gets his car running right and gets his license back, pays his fines, etc etc so he can save and move out. He has a free ride at this point while he gets his business in order. He didn't go back there because he wanted to be with her or make things work with her. She knows all of this, but is just trying to keep him around as long as she can because they have kids together. She had another man living with her when he was locked up and kicked him out when it was time for hubbie to get out and needed somewhere to go. They have some love for each other being the mother/father of children together and having spend so many years knowing each other, but they are not in love with each other. That's the second time you have basically said he is using her until he gets himself together. He is there so someone else can financially take care of him. So he is a former drug head, convicted felon, who uses a woman he can't stand(and her sister), and sleeps with you, did I cover it all? What a winning guy.
Gwyneth Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 Recovering addicts often do depend on people to get them by. It's more of a moral suppor thing if anything. Being alone might be scary for him. But if he actually does go ahead and get his own place, like the OP said he is going to, then that is a good and positive sign
bentnotbroken Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 Gwen, would you be willing to risk you babies safety on someone who hasn't provided positive support for themselves, but is willing to use others to get by?
Author eclectic78 Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 I too was in a similar position with my kids father. The relationship was long over, but having young children and with the cost of childcare, I stayed for financial support until enough kids were in school that I could afford to go to work and pay child care and all the bills on my own. Maybe it's wrong to use someone like this or like what he's doing, but sometimes we have to do what works. If he wasn't there, he'd be on the street without the opportunities he has now with a roof over his head. If the wife knows what's up and is still allowing him to stay then that's her own ignorance and he's just taking advantage of it in order to help himself, and enjoying his children in the meantime. Thanks for your support Gwyneth!
torranceshipman Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 The W isnt staying clean cause he makes her - a drug user can't get clean for another person like that - its so hard, that they need to be completely committed to changing everything and have to do it for themselves (else there is NO chance of success), so he's lying about that for a start...and you dont seem bothered that he is using his W/her family for completely selfish reasons...he's also decided to stay living with his W. That should be enough evidence for you...he is CHOOSING to live with his WIFE, not you. I am sure you are very understanding and would support him in everyway he needed it just as much as his W would, so why hasnt he moved out and let you support him? Cause he doesnt want to...he wants you both. I suggest you end it and say you wont share him, and that when he has got a D you are 100% his. That should push him into a little bit of action. Plus sorry to say this, but he's only been out 6months and hasnt seen a woman for 2yrs so it wouldnt be outside the realms of possibility that he literally cannot believe his luck to now have TWO women satisfying him and making him feel wanted!
Gwyneth Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 Gwen, would you be willing to risk you babies safety on someone who hasn't provided positive support for themselves, but is willing to use others to get by? No, that's why I am up and down about telling daddy we're expecting a baby. But on the otherhand, I do know what it's like to have a recovering addict in the family that needs all the moral support they can get. I also think that since this isn't her husband or the father of her children, she should Really consider the important factors and be extremely careful. He seems to have the moral support he needs and that should be good. It's not good for a recovering to get into a brand new R within the first few years anyway. Especially to move in with someone new, which is why I said that's smart of him to say he wants to live on his own. But let's see if he does that, then go from there. You're welcome, eclectic78
Author eclectic78 Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 And what would you do if you found yourself in a position like that, either fresh out of lock up starting over with nothing, or could be the same for a divorce - kicked out with nowhere to go whatever the reasoning. Most people go to their parents or other family to have a place to stay while they get on their feet again. This is no different and he's not horrible for working hard to get where he needs to be. We are all in this world together to help each other.
bentnotbroken Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 If he told her and her sister that he was only using them, then I would think differently, but I doubt that is what he did. If he is so freaking honorable, tell the freaking truth to these people and let them decide if they want to help him or not.
torranceshipman Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 I wouldnt use people. Using people is wrong and cheap...that is NOT the only option of obtaining the help that you need. If nothing else, at least have the DAMN decency to be faithful to the W while he stays there and not badmouth her as a 'free ride' while he stays with her.
carhill Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 Again I'll ask what's wrong with NC until he gets his own place? If he could bottle up whatever he's got with women, I'd definitely buy it
Gwyneth Posted February 26, 2008 Posted February 26, 2008 I'm not so sure he's using his wife and sister-in-law right now. He probaby just needs to have them right now, and his children. His wife is still his family, but eclectic78 needs to stay away from this man and his health issues for a least a year and not even consider moving in with him. He needs to heal and get to know himself as this new, sober, straight-edged guy before he goes and moves in with another woman and her children! He will most likely Rebound, and I don't think eclectic78 wants that to happen.
Ms. Red Posted February 26, 2008 Posted February 26, 2008 And what would you do if you found yourself in a position like that, either fresh out of lock up starting over with nothing, or could be the same for a divorce - kicked out with nowhere to go whatever the reasoning. Most people go to their parents or other family to have a place to stay while they get on their feet again. This is no different and he's not horrible for working hard to get where he needs to be. We are all in this world together to help each other. Hi Eclectic, Take a deep breath & slowly release & relax. Posters on here can get a person riled up. Be careful because they have a lot of time on their hands & will quote you trying to show contradictions in what you say etc. It's great this man has the support he needs. I'm sure the wife & sister know full well what is going on. He most likely was released on a parole agreement that they vouched for. One has to prove a home, job & support are available upon release. I would also surmise that his PO does drug testing & that is a good incentive for staying clean. I wouldn't be surprised if he has to keep his W clean so as to not have the temptation of drugs around. I don't think putting time lines on him will make any difference on when he moves out. It's not easy to get started from nothing on a normal bases. Nowdays, landlords do credit checks & background checks. With so many people needing affordable housing, they won't look twice at a felon to rent to. He has a lot to work out & it sounds like he's on a positive path towards a good future. Just support him as a friend at this time if you can. If you are meant to end up together it will happen when all the ducks are in a row. Good luck. =^-^=
bentnotbroken Posted February 26, 2008 Posted February 26, 2008 I'm not so sure he's using his wife and sister-in-law right now. He probaby just needs to have them right now, and his children. His wife is still his family, but eclectic78 needs to stay away from this man and his health issues for a least a year and not even consider moving in with him. He needs to heal and get to know himself as this new, sober, straight-edged guy before he goes and moves in with another woman and her children! He will most likely Rebound, and I don't think eclectic78 wants that to happen. She said he was using her, because she knew he didn't want her.
carhill Posted February 26, 2008 Posted February 26, 2008 She said he was using her, because she knew he didn't want her. Would not such action go to character of a person? Ergo, I don't care about you, so I use you.... That's not the type of character which would allow me to sleep at night....
Author eclectic78 Posted February 26, 2008 Author Posted February 26, 2008 Thanks for your words and support Ms Red. I understand what you're saying about the time line. At the same time I don't want to be going through this emotional roller coaster year after year and I don't want to be believing he's on his way to moving out if the obstacles are really just excuses buying him time. I want to be understanding and patient but at the same time I don't want to be naive and blind. Does that make sense? I want him to understand that I support his efforts and hard work towards getting his **** together and am trying to be patient and give him ample time but at the same time I can't wait forever and continue to be the OW allowing him to keep making excuses for not having moved out yet. I guess I'm trying to figure out if they are in fact excuses or if they are legitimate obstacles that will be dealt with in time.
Gwyneth Posted February 26, 2008 Posted February 26, 2008 She said he was using her, because she knew he didn't want her. This may be his excuse. He needs support right now so that he is distracted from the need to, what's the word I'm looking for (now I'm going brain dead)--rebound? I don't think that's the word, but it will do for now He may be afraid to be alone and is desperate for support and is probably finding it within the people he's used to. Plus, his children are there. If his wife didn't want him around, I'm sure by now she would have kicked him to the curb. He is choosing to stay put in that house which is a better choice than living alone, or moving in with eclectic78. He might have a sponsor who is suggesting he stays where he is.
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