eclectic78 Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 Ok here's my story. My neighbor and her husband used to be into drugs and dealing (meth). When he married her she was nothing more than a "dope ho". He got busted and did some time in the pen. Before this happened they had seperated and were not even together. While paying his dues, he realized this is not the way to live his life and had plans for a bigger and better future. When it was time for him to be released he had nowhere to go but back home to the wife and kids - it was a free ride for the time being. Again they were not together when he got locked up and she saw other people while he was locked up. After hanging around him (them) for about 6 mos. we decided to start a purely physical relationship. I had recently seperated from my 8 yr relationship and was just looking for sex and he made it clear he was not interested in pursuing their relationship - he was just there to find a real job and get on his feet. After about 2 or 3 mos. of just sleeping together we were also getting to know each other and ended up falling in love with each other. We have a lot in common, we make each other laugh, yada yada - neither one of us has met or been with anyone else that we felt so connected to the way we do. He now has a good job and a car and is working towards getting his own place so that we can continue to get to know each other better. We have been seeing each other seriously for over a year now and I am getting impatient with him on the moving out part. I hate to put time restraints on him, but I will not continue being the OW awaiting the MM to leave his wife for years on end. I mentioned that he needed to try to be moving out over the summer. I feel like by the end of this year I will have reached my maximum with it and will have to let him go if he has not left by then. The wife has known in the past that we have been together and her and I know each other. (I was living 2 doors down but have recently moved across town close to his job) He no longer puts me in her face with it because it caused so much drama before, but she's got to know that we are still seeing each other and that we are in love. Why would she want to cling on to someone that obviously doesn't want her? We both have kids and that was my main concern when we decided to move beyond a physical relationship-but he said he was fine with it- he's been away from them plenty of times before. (when they seperated and while he was locked up) Given these circumstances I wonder if I have any better of a chance in getting him to leave his wife and move into his own place as he is supposed to be working on.......any thoughts?
AdrianaLima Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 He's not going to leave until he's ready. You can't force that man to get a divorce. He has to have it made up in his mind.
OWoman Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 You have kids, and you were hanging out with drug dealers? yea I reckon that makes your story different from the rest.
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 Gosh, he's SUCH a prize. I can see why you want him. Does he an ex-con brother? Hook a sister up, will ya?
bentnotbroken Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 May I ask a question, why would you want a dope head ex felon around your kids? What are you thinking?
Author eclectic78 Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 Ya know I had the same judgemental attitude when I first heard about him (from his wife) and met him. For a while I didn't want him anywhere around me or my house. But everyone has a past and as long as you learn from it and move on to something different then it doesn't matter what was in the past. There are highly qualified and intelligent cops, detectives, counselors. etc etc that were once in the drug game and changed their ways. So let go of that part and give me some real advice please. He has nothing to do with those people or that side of his life anymore.
noforgiveness Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 We both have kids and that was my main concern when we decided to move beyond a physical relationship-but he said he was fine with it- he's been away from them plenty of times before. (when they seperated and while he was locked up) Given these circumstances I wonder if I have any better of a chance in getting him to leave his wife and move into his own place as he is supposed to be working on.......any thoughts? I'm not going to judge the drug dealing part because people can change but wow you want a man who is just fine and happy to leave his kids because he's been away from them before? Sounds like dad of the year material. This is what you want around your kids?
carhill Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 Well, how about a year of NC or until the ink is dry on the divorce papers? True love transcends time. I think such would make his head more clear about his choices and responsibilities. Also, more time to confirm his commitment to being a law-abiding citizen, which it sounds like he's doing a great job on. You set the parameters for breaking NC (time/own place/divorce, etc) and stick to your decision. Don't respond to any contact. See how it goes. Christmas is coming
Author eclectic78 Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 He didn't have a problem because he said the wife never had any trouble allowing him to see his children or take them for visits....His oldest daughter is a daddy's girl and I imagine she would move out with him and the mother knows this. I was worried because he is a good father, gets up every morning and fixes his girls breakfast before school, helps with school projects, etc. but he feels like he can still be there for them once he moves out. He's moving out because he doesn't want to be with her regardless of whether I'm in the picture or not. He's not moving in with me.
carhill Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 OK, so, based on the original post, how about NC until he moves out (into his own place)? Would that satisfy you? In other words, would it be OK with you if he was still married and living in his own place with or without his daughter? Could you have a satisfying relationship with him under those conditions? If yes, there ya go
whichwayisup Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 How long has he actually been clean and not doing ANY drugs (that you know of)?
SimpleyMe Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 You asked why would she want to cling on to someone who obviously does'nt love her,well why not ask her H the same question. Why would he still be living with her if he is in love with you,besides you have already stated he does not mind being away from the kids. My guess is he is still there at home because he wants to be. You say you are both in love with each other why not let him move in with you.
Gwyneth Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 Well you have yourself quite an interesting situation. What worries me is that he's an "ex" meth dealer, and you have children. Now I do know that what's in the past is in the past--my mother married a recovering drug addict (14 years sober as of now), but she really had to do some heavy duty considering before allowing him to move in with her children and marrying him. It's a big responsibility. And although he's recovered, he has found other addictions (chain smoking, gambling for a while, desperate need for Rxs, etc.). As long as he's religious with AA meetings (or if he goes to the drug related meetings, although AA is a stronger support group), then he most likely will be okay. You also have to consider that you "may" risk losing your children. How is the father of Your children going to feel about you dating and possibly living and maybe even marrying someone of his kind? Please, put your children first. That is your Main concern--not your sexual desires. You can find someone else to please you, that isn't hard. I think you are better off at this point pleasing yourself than putting your children at risk. But you definetly know better than any of us, what condition this man is in. But please do put your children first. That is so very important--not your sexual desires. And I'm sure he is a very good father, providing breakfast and homework help for his daughters, but does a good father keep drugs in the house and his children at risk as a dealer? That's crossing the danger zone line. Drug dealers get killed, house robbed, etc. Watch a few Lifetime movies--it's very dangerous.
whichwayisup Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 What types of people does he hang out with now? Where does he go at night, socializing etc? This isn't just about the drugs and dealing, it's also about if he has totally changed his habits, where he goes, who he sees, what he does .. Some people just fall back into that trap as it's what they know and it's easier than really changing.
Gwyneth Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 What types of people does he hang out with now? Where does he go at night, socializing etc? This isn't just about the drugs and dealing, it's also about if he has totally changed his habits, where he goes, who he sees, what he does .. Some people just fall back into that trap as it's what they know and it's easier than really changing. Good points! However, with my step-dad, his only friends are from AA. So if this man is in a support program such as AA, then most likely he's only hanging around with those people and have dropped the losers.
whichwayisup Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 I hope the OP comes back as I would like to know how long this guy has been "clean" and drug free. Drug free meaning OUT of the loop in everyway, NC with those types of people.
bentnotbroken Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 Ya know I had the same judgemental attitude when I first heard about him (from his wife) and met him. For a while I didn't want him anywhere around me or my house. But everyone has a past and as long as you learn from it and move on to something different then it doesn't matter what was in the past. There are highly qualified and intelligent cops, detectives, counselors. etc etc that were once in the drug game and changed their ways. So let go of that part and give me some real advice please. He has nothing to do with those people or that side of his life anymore. Not if they have been to prison. You can't be a cop, detective or counselor who works with children if you have a criminal record. Background checks are a must. And to be certified by whatever state you are working in, you cannot have a felony conviction. No if you are just street counselor maybe, but why take that chance with children's lives?
Author eclectic78 Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 He only hangs out with one friend now that I also know personally. Other than that, he goes to work, works on his car, plays with his kids and goes to sleep by 10. He's not out at night socializing or hanging out. It's not the sex that keeps us together. Honestly we don't even do that very often anymore- maybe once a week if that. It's a deeper emotional connection. Neither one of us is using each other for sex anymore. We have grown a nice friendship and love playing outside with the kids, riding bikes, etc. We have the passionate kissing that he doesn't do with his wife. They have nothing in common. He's there for financial issues at the moment. He wants to make sure all his ducks are in a row before he moves out especially if his daughter decides to make the move with him. He's not moving in with me because he feels it's a mistake to leave one woman and move directly in with another, plus he's not sure how his wife will act when he leaves. He doesn't want her to act a fool at my house with my kids. Also the fact that we are still getting to know each other. It's only been a year and a few months that we've been having this affair. He wants to have his own place for stability for his daughters and in time if we decide, then eventually we will live together, but we don't want to rush into anything.
OWoman Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 So let go of that part and give me some real advice please. If it wasn't significant TO YOU, you wouldn't have mentioned it.
JamesM Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 I will ignore everything, but there is one thing that cannot be ignored....he cheated on his first marriage to be with you. What makes you think that he will not cheat on you? I know, I know...you are different. But seriously, this should be your greatest concern...are you setting yourself up for a life of pain and hurt? With children, it is a bigger concern. When you bring a man into your life, you bring him into their lives. Do you not want this man to be one whom you can trust to be there for them as well as you? And yes, everything else does complicate matters, but fact is...you are the OW because she did not meet his needs. When you no longer meet his needs, will you trust him enough not to find another woman?
blind_otter Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 It's his divorce so you can't set a timetable for him - ultimately this is his situation to sort out, not yours. That said - by continuing your affair with him you make it easy for him to stay in his current situation. You take the edge off, so to speak. Food for thought.
Trialbyfire Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 He got busted and did some time in the pen. Before this happened they had seperated and were not even together. While paying his dues, he realized this is not the way to live his life and had plans for a bigger and better future. When it was time for him to be released he had nowhere to go but back home to the wife and kids - it was a free ride for the time being. Again they were not together when he got locked up and she saw other people while he was locked up. After hanging around him (them) for about 6 mos. we decided to start a purely physical relationship. How many more red flags do you need?
bentnotbroken Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 He only hangs out with one friend now that I also know personally. Other than that, he goes to work, works on his car, plays with his kids and goes to sleep by 10. He's not out at night socializing or hanging out. It's not the sex that keeps us together. Honestly we don't even do that very often anymore- maybe once a week if that. It's a deeper emotional connection. Neither one of us is using each other for sex anymore. We have grown a nice friendship and love playing outside with the kids, riding bikes, etc. We have the passionate kissing that he doesn't do with his wife. They have nothing in common. He's there for financial issues at the moment. He wants to make sure all his ducks are in a row before he moves out especially if his daughter decides to make the move with him. He's not moving in with me because he feels it's a mistake to leave one woman and move directly in with another, plus he's not sure how his wife will act when he leaves. He doesn't want her to act a fool at my house with my kids. Also the fact that we are still getting to know each other. It's only been a year and a few months that we've been having this affair. He wants to have his own place for stability for his daughters and in time if we decide, then eventually we will live together, but we don't want to rush into anything. Now that's funny, he feels as if it is a wrong to leave one woman for another, but not to sleep with someone who isn't his wife.
Author eclectic78 Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 He's been clean for the 2 yrs he was locked up and the year and a half he's been out. The only person he's in contact with from that lifestyle is his wife, who he is also trying to get away from. I will mention that his wife (and kids) live with her sister and her family. He went there because it was the only place he could go when he got out. Nobody else would take him in. Again, they weren't even together when he got locked up and their entire relationship together revolved around the drug life. Now that he's sober and wanting more out of his life, he sees he doesn't want to be with her (she's only staying clean because he demands it). He's there for financial convenience while he gets his car running right and gets his license back, pays his fines, etc etc so he can save and move out. He has a free ride at this point while he gets his business in order. He didn't go back there because he wanted to be with her or make things work with her. She knows all of this, but is just trying to keep him around as long as she can because they have kids together. She had another man living with her when he was locked up and kicked him out when it was time for hubbie to get out and needed somewhere to go. They have some love for each other being the mother/father of children together and having spend so many years knowing each other, but they are not in love with each other.
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