Jilly Bean Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 I suppose this is more of a rant than anything... Six years ago, I met a guy online. He had all the stats I look for - athletic, educated, professional, attractive, no kids, never married, fun, funny... We had a lot of fun together and dated for about 4 months. I finally broke up with him, because I didn't feel like the relationship was progressing at all. I will say we NEVER had sex, though I did give him a hummer one night that he still talks about... We now live on opposite coasts... Since then, about every 6 months or so, I would hear from him out of the blue. Sometimes I would take his call, most I wouldn't. And on a rare occasion, we actually got together. About three years ago, we had dinner, and he played for me VM messages I had left him THREE YEARS PRIOR when we were dating. Now, that's a lot of effort to save them for all those years, not to mention a wee creepy. Like he was holding quite the torch for The Bean! About two years ago, we had dinner. And I figured we should screw afterwards (moreso to satisfy my curiosity). We got into bed, and I won't get into the whole details, but suffice to say it was a HORRIBLE experience, and we never consummated anything. He called me a few weeks ago, and apparently he is having his midlife crisis. He proceeded to tell me how he feels like crap hes still not married, never had kids, and confessed to me that he came to our relationship with the baggage of his last GF and how now (NOW!) he realizes he was expecting me to be like her, and it was very unfair, and he feels badly about it. He also has said for the 50th time how he wants a REDO of the aborted sexual attempt, how he still wants to get together, etc. Thing is, I clearly see how damaged and screwed up he is. How he will probably NEVER have a LTR again, and certainly not with me, as I have NO romantic feelings for him anymore and he has a BIG expired date on his forehead. Its the most f'ed up thing on so many levels. He remembers with bizarre clarity each and every one of our dates, and always enjoys reminiscing about them. Whenever we talk, he always likes to fantasize and attempt to plan for getting together again. He'll always end the convo saying he will call me the next day, and then he goes MIA again for a few months. lol. Its just annoying on some levels that he still feels the need to call me and pretend we have some kind of connection or chance besides friendship. I dont mind him as a friend, because he IS a good one for that and always has a willing ear and good advice, but beyond that, I wish he would really pop his own bubble already...
Curmudgeon Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 Its just annoying on some levels that he still feels the need to call me and pretend we have some kind of connection or chance besides friendship. I dont mind him as a friend, because he IS a good one for that and always has a willing ear and good advice, but beyond that, I wish he would really pop his own bubble already... The guy is really needy! Curmudgeon's first rule of relationship: Don't enter into one with someone who brings along more baggage than will fit in the overhead compartment!
Author Jilly Bean Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 LOL. Too funny, guys... I happen to love Pyro, and Cur - he'd be paying BIG TIME overage charges for the extra steamer trunks... I was CRAZY about him when we dated. Was for about another 2 years after that, too! But now? Now it's pathetic and sad that he still behaves this way.
Pyro Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 I don't see how answering his calls benefits you in anyway possible. His calls should be ignored from now on.
Author Jilly Bean Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 I don't see how answering his calls benefits you in anyway possible. His calls should be ignored from now on. Because he is a friend, and when he doesn't need to indulge his fantasy about he and I, he is fun to talk to and discuss life. I guess because we've known each other so long, a lot of things go without saying and don't require a backstory. I know what youre saying, Pyro. I suppose if I was still buying into his dreamworld, this would be construed as toxic to me, but his desires have no impact on me, besides getting tedious at times. Though I do wonder if he still has my vm's saved on his cell... lol
Pyro Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 Because he is a friend, and when he doesn't need to indulge his fantasy about he and I, he is fun to talk to and discuss life. I guess because we've known each other so long, a lot of things go without saying and don't require a backstory. I know what youre saying, Pyro. I suppose if I was still buying into his dreamworld, this would be construed as toxic to me, but his desires have no impact on me, besides getting tedious at times. Though I do wonder if he still has my vm's saved on his cell... lol Next time he brings up the subject, cut him off and tell him that you are uncomfortable talking about that stuff.
Author Jilly Bean Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 Next time he brings up the subject, cut him off and tell him that you are uncomfortable talking about that stuff. Yes, I generally tell him that he needs to get over it, and we move on to something else. Like usually me talking about who I am currently dating... But Pyro - what do you make of a guy who is so caught in denial and fantasy like this? Just one of the many walking wounded?
Pyro Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 Yes, I generally tell him that he needs to get over it, and we move on to something else. Like usually me talking about who I am currently dating... But Pyro - what do you make of a guy who is so caught in denial and fantasy like this? Just one of the many walking wounded? Thats one way of putting it. A guy who keeps living in the past and is an emotional wreck. Its already been mentioned but he does have plenty of emotional baggage. How often does he bring it up? Every phone call?
Author Jilly Bean Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 Thats one way of putting it. A guy who keeps living in the past and is an emotional wreck. Its already been mentioned but he does have plenty of emotional baggage. How often does he bring it up? Every phone call? It's like every time we have seen each other over the past years since we stopped dating (and I think that amounts to 3 times, mind you), he always screws up in some major way, and then spends months thinking on it, and then feels the need to contact me and ask for DO-OVER. We spoke last week and he again brought up what a weinie he was about the aborted sexual event, and how he would like to take me to dinner next time I am in town. So yes, it does come up everytime we speak. If even for a small bit of the convo...
Pyro Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 It's like every time we have seen each other over the past years since we stopped dating (and I think that amounts to 3 times, mind you), he always screws up in some major way, and then spends months thinking on it, and then feels the need to contact me and ask for DO-OVER. We spoke last week and he again brought up what a weinie he was about the aborted sexual event, and how he would like to take me to dinner next time I am in town. So yes, it does come up everytime we speak. If even for a small bit of the convo... Thats too much. If you can handle him bringing it up everytime, then more power to you, but thats not normal.
johan Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 I don't see how answering his calls benefits you in anyway possible. His calls should be ignored from now on. This possessiveness isn't helping your cause much. Jilly don't play that.
Author Jilly Bean Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 Thats too much. If you can handle him bringing it up everytime, then more power to you, but thats not normal. It's like indulging him in something he feels he needs to do. I guess because its his MO, and I know the drill, I dont sweat it. Its just sad to see someone so wrought with regret over everything he does, and then try to play catch-up. Perhaps when he's 60, he'll finally figure it all out...
Pyro Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 It's like indulging him in something he feels he needs to do. I guess because its his MO, and I know the drill, I dont sweat it. Its just sad to see someone so wrought with regret over everything he does, and then try to play catch-up. Perhaps when he's 60, he'll finally figure it all out... You are sort of provoking him to keep bringing it up since you continue to talk to him and that you haven't said anything. You should tell him to stop and that you two are not compatible and maybe he will get the hint and move on in that sense.
Author Jilly Bean Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 You are sort of provoking him to keep bringing it up since you continue to talk to him and that you haven't said anything. You should tell him to stop and that you two are not compatible and maybe he will get the hint and move on in that sense. Well, I think he just needs to SAY it. Pyro, he will NEVER EVER act on anything of substance between us again. It's all pure fantasy for him. It's like talking with a friend who is talking about how they're going to spend the lottery money when they win...like an exercise they need, even though you know it is fruitless... I think he knows I am no longer interested, as I have told him a few times that a DO-OVER is no longer an option...
Pyro Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 Well, I think he just needs to SAY it. Pyro, he will NEVER EVER act on anything of substance between us again. It's all pure fantasy for him. It's like talking with a friend who is talking about how they're going to spend the lottery money when they win...like an exercise they need, even though you know it is fruitless... I think he knows I am no longer interested, as I have told him a few times that a DO-OVER is no longer an option... You should know by now how great of listeners us guys are. If you say so. You know him better then any of us.
Author Jilly Bean Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 You should know by now how great of listeners us guys are. If you say so. You know him better then any of us. LOL. True dat... He's just an emotional mental patient. Still a Pats fan, though...
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