Just looking for a view from the outside

[SeattleShopGirl]

I've been seeing a guy for just over a month. We talk at least twice a day, and see each other at least every other day. There seems to be quite a bit of chemistry between us and we've not yet had a dull moment (which surprises me for how much time we are spending with each other). It seems to be as good as you can expect for the first month-ish of dating. Actually, the best first month-ish I've ever had with a man.

 

When we first met, about 2-3 months ago, he was honest with me and told me he was seeing a girl for a few months but things were very casual. He admitted he was really into her, but she wanted to keep things casual because a guy she went to college with has been living in China for the past 8 years and he's coming to visit her in a few months. Apparently they found each other online 2 years ago and rekindled their friendship. His trip has been planned for about 5 months. She promised to stay single for him...that's why she was "casually" dating. He's is hoping to move back here to be with her provided things work out with their relationship.

 

The story just sounded ridiculous to me (I think for obvious reasons). And when he told me I said "that just sounds like a recipe for heartbreak" and he said "yeah, that's what all my friends tell me." I gave him my number, but in my mind decided I wasn't going to see him as long as he was seeing this girl. I never told him that but figured I would decline any date offers if they were made and give him that as a reason. We talked on the phone everyday for a week when he told me he dumped her and decided it "wasn't fair to [him] and [he] deserves better." I really enjoyed getting to know him in our phone calls, so when he asked me out a couple weeks later I agreed.

 

So, here's where the outside opinions come in:

 

We were hanging out one night last week and he had left his phone in the car. When we got in the car later, he saw he had a missed call. His phone was in a car mount, so it was in the open, and I had seen it, too. I didn't think anything of it, or question the name (I didn't know the girls name before) because I really wasn't at all suspicious of anything. Then he says in an annoyed voice "why is SHE calling me?" and explained who she was.

 

We went to visit some of my friends at a bar, and maybe an hour or so later he excused himself to the bathroom. He took a long time, but I didn't think anything of it at the time.

 

On our way home from the bar, he tells me he wants to tell me something. And then retells the story of him and this girl but with more details than the first time, and he tells me that when they broke up it was left as if things don't work out with this China guy that they would give it another try. Then said "But obviously if I'm still with you that won't happen. I hope this doesn't change things between us now."

 

So, I didn't really say much, and didn't think it mattered much at that moment. It needed some time to absorb, I think. So I've had a few days to think about it. I've seen him a couple times since the night of the conversation, and nothing is different between us, but I think now I'M the one setting myself up for heartbreak.

 

In retrospect, I feel like when he was gone to the bathroom that he probably called her. I guess he could have been doing a #2, but I just figure that is unlikely.

 

And I am figuring that the conversation on the way home was probably a product of this phone call I am imagining.

 

I feel like I'm just a rebound girl and/or someone to fill the void while he waits for the other relationship to fail. He's not said this, it's just my own inference. I've decided to discuss it with him either tonight or tomorrow, and I've pretty much decided that I want to end things.

 

I've run this by 2 of my best friends - one female and one male. Both have told me they agree with my assessment and that I should probably end it. But both also said they feel maybe I should ask someone who isn't jaded (both were cheated on recently).

 

Does anyone think I'm overanalyzing this? Does anyone think I'm prematurely ending this? Does anyone else agree with me?

[Jilly Bean]

It sounds like if and when she gives him the green light, you're out.

 

It's up to you if you want to end it. No guarantee they will reunite, but she's clearly a ghost in your relationship - regardless of the outcome.

[xpaperxcutx]

You've answered your own question. I think he is using you as backup in case things don't work out with the other girl. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Unless you want to continue casually dating him, I think you shouldn't put yourself in a position where you become very attached to him, but he remains physically and emotionally unavailable.

[ShoeGirl]

It doesn't sound like a good situation to be in.

 

If he cares about her as much as he told you then he would probably jump at the chance to try that relationship again, he might just be looking for something casual to get through until he sees what is happening with the guy from china.

 

Then again he wasn't trying to hide the fact that she called, if he was he wouldn't have told you who she was.

 

I would do whatever your gut tells you. If you aren't sure keep hanging out with him for another week or so and see if she is still calling or if he brings her up at all.

[Oggie_23]

I think you are right to end it. Sounds like the girl that is on his end is trying to fill a void herself for the China guy. Seems like you do not need such a drama filled relationship in your life if you don't have to have one. You can do better than someone who is just using you for a filler in his life until something else comes along.

[Legend]

despite what the bitter women say in this thread, you could go out on a limb, give the guy a chance, so you too can possibly wind up jaded.

[SeattleShopGirl]

Thank you for your responses.

 

I know I've answered my own questions. I was just looking for some other opinions because I've been told that I prematurely end relationships/potential relationships. I generally don't put up with any crap and just end whatever is going on at the first sign of something out of sorts...usually it's before much of a relationship has developed.

 

I've had a few LTRs in my life, and I've also met a lot of crappy people. A lot of those sucky people have made me hesitant to allow much to form out of dating (three men in a row...I didn't know the 1st was married, didn't know the 2nd had a gf, and didn't know the 3rd had a fiance).

 

Obviously, I'm trying to prevent some heartaches for myself before I get in too deep. I'm also trying to keep myself from forming some insecurities that are unnecessary. I'm afraid, knowing this girl could come crawling to him at any moment, that I will always have that in the back of my mind...keeping me from really allowing myself to open up and enjoy what is there.

 

And how will I ever know we've reached a point where it's ok to stop thinking about her? I mean, so far things are going great, and with the way he treats me I had no idea I was a second rate person. It's sad to think I'm just the Poor Man's <insert other girl's name>.

 

Am I just a rebound? Is it possible that his feelings for me could ever overcome the feelings for her? They weren't together very long, but obviously long enough to keep her on his mind.

 

I don't have any other issues with this man. He's really been great. And, although we're not claiming to be in love or planning our wedding, it doesn't seem like we're casually dating, either.

 

Sorry for the long posts...if you can't tell, this is pretty much how I'm rationalizing this things internally. I'm just typing my thoughts...relationship brainstorming.

 

Thank you, again.

[SeattleShopGirl]

I met with him last night and told him how I felt. He tried to convince me to continue to see him, but after realizing it wasn't up for debate he said "I never thought you were this insecure. I thought you were mature, but obviously you're not. I told you if we were still seeing each other when she wanted to try again that I would stay with you."

 

He said a few other hurtful things, and I won't pretend they didn't hit me hard. I guess I thought he'd would handle it better.

 

He seemed like a decent guy, and I really appreciated his honesty (quite refreshing for a change), but now I realize I no longer have to wonder why he's never been married, or had a relationship last longer than 6 months, ever (he's 37, I'm 29).

[StrawberryLime]

And I am figuring that the conversation on the way home was probably a product of this phone call I am imagining.

 

I feel like I'm just a rebound girl and/or someone to fill the void while he waits for the other relationship to fail.

 

Sweetie, it sounds like you're TOTALLY on the back burner with him, and that's not cool at all. You ARE the rebound girl when he tells you what's up. He's pretty much said that he's just waiting for the other girl to come back to him.

 

No matter how great he seems to you, only a jerk would do something like that to a girl, much less ADMIT it.

 

I've never been in this situation before, but I think you're really setting yourself up for heartbreak here.

[Trialbyfire]

I met with him last night and told him how I felt. He tried to convince me to continue to see him, but after realizing it wasn't up for debate he said "I never thought you were this insecure. I thought you were mature, but obviously you're not. I told you if we were still seeing each other when she wanted to try again that I would stay with you."

 

He said a few other hurtful things, and I won't pretend they didn't hit me hard. I guess I thought he'd would handle it better.

 

He seemed like a decent guy, and I really appreciated his honesty (quite refreshing for a change), but now I realize I no longer have to wonder why he's never been married, or had a relationship last longer than 6 months, ever (he's 37, I'm 29).

The word "seemed" is the optimum word. I don't like how he put his issues onto your shoulders. You don't have a responsibility to accept his terms and conditions for a relationship with him, especially considering the length of time the two of you have been together in a dating relationship.

 

Make like a banana and perma-split. This guy is asking you to risk too much, while giving too little. It's all or nothing. Don't settle and don't share.

[SeraBella]

I think the that quote that is something like "never make someone your priority when you are only an option" - i don't know the exact phrase - fits well here.