iampattycake Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 I dont really know who to talk to about this. I am a married woman. I have been faithful to my husband for 17 years. We have not had a wondefful marraige but we do have a decent friendship. We have not slept in the same bed in 11 years. We have a 12 year old beautiful girl and we both stay here for her. This last summer i met someone who is also married. He is 12 years younger than I, (althought no one would know). The chemistry between us was incredible. His situation isnt all that different from mine. He has a 3 year old daughter and a wife whose bed he hasnt shared in 2 years. We knew each other through various organizations and started talking one night, which is who we discovered our mutual attraction towards one another. Since that time we have gone from friends, to lovers to bst friends. I know he deeply cares about me and I do him. We both feel that had we meet in a different time, than things would be so different between us. We both feel that we can see ourselves with each other for a long time. we have never spoken the I Love you's to each other for various fears of our situations and getting hurt, but actions speak louoder than words and we both know where we stand with each other. I know what we are doing is wrong. I was not brought up to be an other woman. I was brought up to be a faithful wife and good mother. He was brought up to be the same. I do feel quilty and feel like I will burn in hell in my afterlife. Yet, I cant imagine life without him now. We have stolen moments with each other. We obviously do not spend a lot of time together. Maybe 2 times a week for a few hours. It isnt all about sex. It is about talking ourselves through our daily lives. having a reason to smile and have hope beyond our respective children. It has been almost 8 months now, neither of our spouces know anything or suspect anything as we keep everything so low key. We have a certain understanding between us that we both know the other isnt going anywhere. I knw there is a part of us that is using the other to fill in the voids we have at home. He is looking for love and adventure and I guess I am also with each other. Last night was the first time in that 8 months we spend any real time together. I was overjoyed and happy to have him all to myself for such a long period of time. (6 hours...lol) Today I am feeling that I want more. Todaay I feel for the first time that I need him more than I should.I know I cant have that...and I am so depressed over that. But yet, I want to be in this relationship more than I want to be out of it. I feel a sense of hope and love that I have not had in years. Am I so totally wrong here? Please be gentle to me....
bentnotbroken Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 I dont really know who to talk to about this. I am a married woman. I have been faithful to my husband for 17 years. We have not had a wondefful marraige but we do have a decent friendship. We have not slept in the same bed in 11 years. We have a 12 year old beautiful girl and we both stay here for her. This last summer i met someone who is also married. He is 12 years younger than I, (althought no one would know). The chemistry between us was incredible. His situation isnt all that different from mine. He has a 3 year old daughter and a wife whose bed he hasnt shared in 2 years. We knew each other through various organizations and started talking one night, which is who we discovered our mutual attraction towards one another. Since that time we have gone from friends, to lovers to bst friends. I know he deeply cares about me and I do him. We both feel that had we meet in a different time, than things would be so different between us. We both feel that we can see ourselves with each other for a long time. we have never spoken the I Love you's to each other for various fears of our situations and getting hurt, but actions speak louoder than words and we both know where we stand with each other. I know what we are doing is wrong. I was not brought up to be an other woman. I was brought up to be a faithful wife and good mother. He was brought up to be the same. I do feel quilty and feel like I will burn in hell in my afterlife. Yet, I cant imagine life without him now. We have stolen moments with each other. We obviously do not spend a lot of time together. Maybe 2 times a week for a few hours. It isnt all about sex. It is about talking ourselves through our daily lives. having a reason to smile and have hope beyond our respective children. It has been almost 8 months now, neither of our spouces know anything or suspect anything as we keep everything so low key. We have a certain understanding between us that we both know the other isnt going anywhere. I knw there is a part of us that is using the other to fill in the voids we have at home. He is looking for love and adventure and I guess I am also with each other. Last night was the first time in that 8 months we spend any real time together. I was overjoyed and happy to have him all to myself for such a long period of time. (6 hours...lol) Today I am feeling that I want more. Todaay I feel for the first time that I need him more than I should.I know I cant have that...and I am so depressed over that. But yet, I want to be in this relationship more than I want to be out of it. I feel a sense of hope and love that I have not had in years. Am I so totally wrong here? Please be gentle to me.... Why not just divorce and give both of your spouses the opportunity to find someone who respects them more than you two do right now?
Curmudgeon Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 I feel a sense of hope and love that I have not had in years. Am I so totally wrong here? Please be gentle to me.... We can't always control what's in our hearts. Are you morally wrong? Of course. Is this the wrong relationship for you? Perhaps not. Please understand, the two of you will be found out eventually, if you haven't been already. Would it not be more fair and make better sense for both of you to inform your spouses that your marriages are over and free them to one day find others with whom they're more comparible? My fear for you is that while you may leave your husband, I doubt that your paramour will leave his wife, especially with so young a daughter. For reasons I can't explain I don't trust that he'll ever put your relationship first. Meanwhile, your husband deserves better. So does your daughter. Children learn what they live. What has she learned about a committed and loving marriage living in a home in which neither element is present? These are the lessons she'll be taking into her own, future relationships. As a former betrayed spouse, that's as gentle as I can be.
Author iampattycake Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 Why not just divorce and give both of your spouses the opportunity to find someone who respects them more than you two do right now? For reasons I will get into here, let me start by saying that my husband moved out of our bed 10 years ago. I was gravely ill and on my death bed not knowing if I were to live or die. My husband served me with divorce papers there saying that should i get out of this medical mess, he wanted a divorce from what would be a crippled woman that would ensue. I have thankfully had a full recovery from my illness. My disease is in remission right now. There is a possibility it may come back and I could die. But it is not a disease that is catchy or transmitted. There are many forms of betrayal in a marraige. I begged him not to leave me and my 2 year old child at any cost. he agreeed at that point. I went to councling alone for 2 years , begging and pleading with my husband to come with me so we oucld work it out. He didnt. I decided during my 2 years in marriage counseling alone to stay with him for the sake of our child. He agreed to that much without going to counseling. I honestly do not knw if he is involved wuth extra marital affairs. He very well may be. At home, we present a very united front as friends and I am not so sure my daughter knows differently. she knows no other life except us living in seperate rooms.
Author iampattycake Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 eta: one of the things the OM and I have in common are diseases where our spouces dont understand. No one beleives that in sickness in and health means more that just a cold or flu. He also has a non contagious disease which could be life altering. To look at either one of us no one would know the wiser. We both appear healthy and are a support to one another during our remissions.
bentnotbroken Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 My question remains the same. Especially if these peple have treated you the way that you say they have. If I knew I had a disease that could could take my life, I would want to be in the healthest possible place for me,so that I coud be around for my child as long as possible. I don't know what your arrangement with your H is or his with his W, but think of how your children will view you if they were to find out what they believed to be true is not or they see the two of you. Mr. Messy thought he would never get caught, he did. One of the people that saw him and the ow, was our son. And the effect was devasting. Our son started to smoke and drink, because he didn't want to tell me and he no longer respected his dad. Life is too short to do the wrong thing for the right reasons. And based on your post, you know what I am saying is true. Think about all the consequences,not just for now, but when it is that time to answer for all that we have done. What will your answer be?
Curmudgeon Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 eta: one of the things the OM and I have in common are diseases where our spouces dont understand. No one beleives that in sickness in and health means more that just a cold or flu. He also has a non contagious disease which could be life altering. Please don't say that no one understands or abides by those vows. My wife is bipolar which is certainly worse than a cold or most flus. In fact, I'm the one who initially mdiagnosed her going on six years ago and yet I'm still around. Some of us really do take things like vows se4riously. At home, we present a very united front as friends and I am not so sure my daughter knows differently. she knows no other life except us living in seperate rooms.. As for this, do you think this is the right thing for your daughter -- parents who appear to be merely friends and who live in separate rooms? What does that say about love, respect, mutuality, the very concept of marriage? I think the two of you do her a grave disservice.
Author iampattycake Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 yes bent...life is too short...but for all these yeaars i felt like i was doing the right thing for the right reasons in living with my husband. I have never done anything wrong to him before this. Trust me on that.I never expected my life to have lasted so long, so I figured I would live my life for my daughter whome i love and adore more than anything. I am so scared right now of life and love and hope. I KNOW what I am doing is wrong...morally ethically...i have known that from the beginning...but i couldnt help myself to feel alive and living in the shadow of my disease just once....I am afraid now i guess to show my daughter now that the life she has lead is a lie....But I am not afraid to show her that after disease, you have a right to be loved and have people care for you. I just dont knonw how to do that. I dont know if iu am making sense here.... I am sorry for misspellings here right now as I am literally balling my eyes out...lol
Author iampattycake Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 curm....I took my vows very seriously when my husband was diagnosed with diabetes and stood bedside to him while he lay in a diabetic coma . Apparently he didnt...I apologize..there are some people that do take vows seriously.....I used to be one of them...many however when faced with dreaded diseases, cannot face that reality
Curmudgeon Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 I apologize..there are some people that do take vows seriously.....I used to be one of them...many however when faced with dreaded diseases, cannot face that reality Perhaps it's just yet another lost art in our increasingly uncivil society.
whichwayisup Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 Have you thought about just telling him the truth? How let down you've felt, him not supporting you during your worst of times? I'm not sure if escaping into the arms of another man is going to make your life better in the long run...For you, for your husband or your daughter... Your daughter more than likely knows that you and her father are not on the greatest of terms, she probably knows you two don't share the same bed, aren't emotionally connected. Yes, it will hurt her if you two split up, but wouldn't it be better for her to have two loving parents in two homes? I am sorry that you're not well, I do hope you feel better..
Author iampattycake Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 since i really didnt know what to do...no i never considered telling him...we dont share much of our lives with one another.... thinking that my death would be sooner than later, I figured my daughter was better being raised in a home with both of us...having a sick mother who also became divorced from her father because of the illness woulndt have been good for her i thought...what kind of animal for a father would he be for kicking out his wife when she was ill...so i went along with it 11 years ago....lived this long....i dont know...i never expected to be like this or to ever think i had any chance at being loved again...whether with the mm or not....
whichwayisup Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 If MM wasn't in your life, would you want to divorce and be on your own? since i really didnt know what to do...no i never considered telling him...we dont share much of our lives with one another.... Don't you think your daughter knows this? That you and your husband don't share much of a life together? Remember too, children learn what relationships are supposed to be like at home, if your daughter sees how distant you guys are...I hope you know where i'm going with this. And, sorry, I don't want to make you feel worse, I guess somehow you need to figure out which is the worse of the two evils. Staying in a loveless marriage with someone, feel alone and lonely, or be on your own and be alone.
Author iampattycake Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 please also note that i didnt just run off to meet another man right after that happened....this whole affair thing is so out of character for me. and at times, i do beleive it rea;y isnt about sex...it is about having someone who understands and having someone to talk to each day that truly gets how difficult it is to go through a day...showering...work....home...dinner...activites....while being a sick (yet healthy) person
Author iampattycake Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 part of me felt like at least i would have someone to help me if and when i got sick again at home... no i havent considered divorce because i took the vows very seriously....good times and bad....sickness and in health..i figured if i gave my daughter a friendship role he could always play it off as her dad when i did die that i was sick and he loved me..am I making sense?
Author iampattycake Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 if i wasnt sick I would want a divorce certainly.....
LakesideDream Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 Patty, Pay attention to Crum's posts, he is a wise one. I can understand your position perfectly, maybe better than you do. Loving someone while you are married to someone else one of life's greatest burdens. You probably have no one to talk to, no one to share with other than your OM. There is no one to hold your hand and listen, and worse yet you must hide it all from your husband. Hiding is often one of the hardest things of all. Your tale of illness is unfortunate as well. It's hard if not impossible to truely forgive a person who threatens to abandon you when you are sick and helpless. Even though you went through extensive counseling you may have unfinished business there too. My advise to you, lacking a fourteen year old child you are responsible for would be to persue your OM, in the hopes of wresting him away from his bad situation. The fourteen year old changes things quite a bit. At this late date, you owe your teen daughter the most stable life you can provide. It'll take a couple of more years of patience on your part to see her through. Three years, even four isn't a long time. Trust me time will fly by. If your "man" is up to it, why not just bide your time, live as well as you can and and try to make the most of the happiness you can capture a few hours at a time? In any event. Tread softly. The position you are in if fraught with peril and pitfalls Good luck to you.
Author iampattycake Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 he does seem wise.... i have stopped balling my eyes out right now....almost anyway...lol i honestly dont know what my life will be like in 3 or 4 years. i have spoken to the MM about his life and how a reality of passing on is there for all of us...we just know where ours wil likely be....and there is no reason to live not knowing love and joy and hope for so long. I began my journey when my daughter was 2....i am still here and have lived lonely and miserable inside my heart with no support for so very long with her as my only ray of hope and sunshine. Now i feel differently and have lived with hope and love for 8 months. ther eis a huge part of me that cant accept myself as a person for doing that and there is a huge part of me that is saying for once you deserrve to feel loved and feel hopeful again
LakesideDream Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 You can feel those feelings, and be with your OM.. have the "real" quality time without the duldrums and humdrum of everyday life. There's no reason to be without love, and happiness. It's the schedule you need to be careful with. You daughter deserves the care and attention you can give her. I know where you are right now. You want a "complete" life. Now may just not be the time.
Author iampattycake Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 Lakeside, I can see your point as it is the point I live every day. I would never deny my child any time with me ever, even for this A. My time with him never interferrs with the time i would be spending with my daaughter, doing PTA things . I spend literal stolen moments, texts all day, phone calls during breaks at work, or driving to and from work, my person to person time with him is coffee in the morning before work on occasion..with a kiss hello and good bye and a hug that is genuine human contact and intimate if you can understand a hug being intimate......the more I think about it the more I know I have a friend with him more than a lover. It is about support and caring, not so much sex.
HeatherK08 Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 Patty, I've read over this forum plenty, and rarely see any good support or genuine understanding for those in an A. For some reason, perhaps because it's easy to sit back and point fingers when you're not in the situation at the moment, it's rare to get any kind of encouragement about doing something like this for yourself. I've been on both sides of the fence, having been cheated on, and now being the OW. Many posters are in an A that they know will never go anywhere, or are in denial about the MM or MW leaving their spouses. A lot of it is just ego talk, where they are fighting some unseen battle against the spouse so they can feel better about themselves. People are quick to jump on any kind of excuses or reasoning because either they themselves were so hurt by an A, or had to rationalize to themselves why their own A didn't work out and will come down hard on anyone else going through it. You'll rarely see those who ended up with their partners being so judgemental. That being said, I have a lot of compassion for your situation. There are some things we all have to own up to (not giving to ourselves the way we should until we find it in other ways), and that is the hard part. But I'm guessing, over all, this is a wonderful experience for you. Knowing you are cared for, and getting to care for someone else is special. Don't minimize that - just keep it in perspective. No one here can tell you what you should re your marriage and child. You alone know the entire circumstance, but I do think a counselor or therapist would help you greatly. Perhaps this A is a way of you telling yourself you deserve more? That there is more to life? That you don't have to live in fear anymore and life can be so totally different from what you've known? I know divorce is scary, but life can truly begin again at anytime...and it can be wonderful. Whatever happens, take this time to find the freedom your soul is looking for. Whether it works out or not with this MM, you can take this opportunity to learn and grow, and maybe make some changes for a more fulfilling life.
twice_shy Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 Am I so totally wrong here? Please be gentle to me.... Yes, you are totally wrong. An affair is always wrong. If things are bad enough for an affair, then why have an affair? Just get out of the marriage.
twice_shy Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 For reasons I will get into here, let me start by saying that my husband moved out of our bed 10 years ago. I was gravely ill and on my death bed not knowing if I were to live or die. My husband served me with divorce papers there saying that should i get out of this medical mess, he wanted a divorce from what would be a crippled woman that would ensue. I have thankfully had a full recovery from my illness. My disease is in remission right now. There is a possibility it may come back and I could die. But it is not a disease that is catchy or transmitted. There are many forms of betrayal in a marraige. I begged him not to leave me and my 2 year old child at any cost. he agreeed at that point. huh? Ok. So let me get this straight. As bad as it looks that he was a jerk wanting to bail on someone ill, you begged him to stay and he did. Now after you begged him to stay and he agreed and he stood by you, you are stepping out on him? I say this with all seriousness, get a divorce. Neither one of you have any respect for the other.
bentnotbroken Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 I am always going to say the same thing, affairs are wrong, no matter what the excuse. Patti is in the know about what is expected and required of us by God, he didn't give any exceptions did he. And what did he say about our actions and what it will cost us. You know the commandments. I only speak to you from this point of view, because you say you know it is wrong and were(are) a Catholic. How are you teaching your daughter on that front?
Author iampattycake Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 huh? Ok. So let me get this straight. As bad as it looks that he was a jerk wanting to bail on someone ill, you begged him to stay and he did. Now after you begged him to stay and he agreed and he stood by you, you are stepping out on him? I say this with all seriousness, get a divorce. Neither one of you have any respect for the other. No he never quite stood by me...he has been waiting for me to die. I begged him to not divorce me so our child could have some memories of a family before I did. 10 years later I am still alive. and you are right I lost all respect for him when he did that to me years ago. I have had many opportunities to have an affair during the last 10 years..we all have chances to stray. I never did. It is only recently that I have fallen to this. Perhaps it has given me the strength to realize the things I knew and wanted for myself. I deserve more out of the life I have left. I just never wanted to do that to my daughter. I have swallowed so much over the years to keep her happy and safe. I think I know what i need to do.
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