sync Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 I've been with my girlfriend now for almost three years but have not been really happy with her for a while. Last year I had serious doubts and thought of ending it there but it wasn't about the relationship. It was because I was generally unhappy. This time, I'm not unhappy with anything apart from the relationship. Now I know I want to break up with her but I've never been comfortable with the serious talks. I doubt myself in telling her face to face. Also I really don't want to hurt her, I care about her alot but just dont feel the way I used to. I realise that three years is going to hurt her but I want to make sure she is ok. I'm edging towards writing her a letter and delivering it to her face to face and telling her that these are things that I couldn't say to her face. I need advice, is that going to be ok? or do i need to do it face to face? I want this break-off to be as peaceful as possible, and I want to offer her my friendship if she is comfortable with that. Also any tips to make sure she is ok, or do I just have to leave her be and hope for the best? Thanks in advance.
directx Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 I hate the letter deal. Just say the truth. "Look, I don't think this is working out." And don't do the 'It's not you, it's me..." deal. At least be original and say "It's you. Definitely not me."
tonyeltiger Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 Please, whatever you do, tell her everything in person. If you must write a letter to organize your thoughts, write it, sit her down, read it to her, then answer her questions. And please, whatever you do (as I suspect your are planning) do not just tell her "I still love you, but things have just changed, and I feel like I don't love you like I used to". She gave you 3 years of her life, and she deserves to know what you did not like about her/the relationship that made you want to end it. If you leave it at "lets still be friends", she will have a very hard time coping and will probably try to get you to stay. If you are just HONEST, truly honest, and give her concrete reasons as to why you feel the way you do, you both will have closure and feel much better about breaking up. (believe me, I was dumped in the way I told you not to. It will not go smoothly) Good luck, and be honest!
Author sync Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 You make sense. The letter wasn't going to be a breakup letter in itself but just to get my feelings out there because if I did it face to face, I wouldn't get my feelings across, if you get my meaning. So just writing her a letter to tell her my feelings, then meet to dicuss. "I still love you, but things have just changed, and I feel like I don't love you like I used to". I was going to avoid telling her I love her or that I even loved her, she knows that already.
Goodin Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 Just my two cents...I agree that you should tell her face to face and be a man about it. She will respect you more and you will probably have a better chance to be friends with her eventually. Do it at her house, and do it gently, be completely honest, and give her time to ask questions and answer them as honestly as you can without hurting her. Good luck - Goodin
Author sync Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 Thanks for the input. Im going to get some balls, be a man and tell her face to face, I know its the right thing to do. Im worried that this may come out of the blue to her. We have been in less contact recently and I've kinda drifted away but I'm not convinced she will have picked up on these. Any tips to soften the blow for her?
superfox Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 You really need to do this face to face. It is very unfair to do it through a letter. You have shared three years of your life with her. The longer you wait to break up with her, the more resentful you will feel in this relationship. We choose to be in relationships which do not work because we are afraid to hurt feelings. Everyone is afraid to be the bad person, the one to break a heart. Trust me it is going to hurt her more if you keep leading her on. Have the courage and speak up. Be honest. Do not make leading statements in your breakup either. Don't tell her how great she is, or how you want to be her friend. You can be friends down the road after you both have recovered but DO NOT GIVE HER FALSE HOPE. I had an ex who did that entire we can be friends, and never lived up to it. Don't say things to ease your own guilt or to be nice. Life isn't always nice, things hurt. And yes she will hurt, yes she will cry, she may even end up hating you its part of the greiving process. You will need a long time away to open that door to friendship. You need to break up and not go into huge details about her flaws or what you think, be honest but you don't need to give all the details to make her hate herself. Just think of how you would want to be treated, do this with dignity and grace. Tell her you won't be in contact because you feel it is best to not have contact so you both can move on. Please don't say you want friendship unless YOU TRULY DO. And even if you do it will take time, you can't go from such intimacy to just being friends, also please don't try any friends with benefits, this just adds to false hopes and more hurt.
paladin1 Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 Face to face; listen to superfox above... The 2 relationships I've had in the past that lasted that long were both ended face to face, one by me and one by her. We both moved on; and now enjoy each others company as friends...and the one I left that way had stated the only reason we were friends now was the respect I gave her by ending it the way I did. The last ex? Ended it with me by email. Guess which one I'm having a hard time getting closure on and which one I will NOT be friends with in the future? Sadly, there is no real way to soften the blow as much as you like. The best plan is...understand it WILL be a blow and that she may or may not act well when you do it. Forgive her what she may say or do; it comes from greif and loss and not her heart. And above all else, be honest with her, no matter what.. or how much you think it will hurt her.
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