Am I just driving myself insane here? How to chill out?

[lovesick33]

How do you keep yourself from overanalyzing things when you know you are doing it? I feel like I'm driving myself crazy here, and it is possibly over nothing....

 

 

Over the past several months I've been talking to a man I met online.

We met by accident... not on a dating site, not looking for each other.. not trying to hook up, but... we just hit it off, and we started as friends. And we still are friends. We just happen to be so very similar that, well, we ended up quite attracted to one another.

 

The situation between us sort of "blossomed" recently when I went to visit him for a few days and things went very well. We were completely comfortable around each other, and we couldn't keep our hands off each other.

 

On my end of things, it felt intoxicating. I never imagined I'd feel that way again after the long term relationship I'd been in previously had ended.

So needless to say, I was instantly excited... though nervous.

 

When we talked a bit, he said that he was happy with how things went, that he liked me, and that he was looking forward to seeing me again.

 

Sounds good so far right?

 

But now.... It has only been a week and somehow I am already doubting everything. His feelings, even his honesty... and I don't know why!

 

I was burned so bad in my previous relationship... and I'm wondering if my abandonment issues are why. It already feels like he is calling me less, texting me less, talking to me less.... and I hate myself for stressing over it! I KNOW how silly I am being, and yet I can't seem to make myself stop!

 

I am terrified of ruining this potentially wonderful thing before it even has a chance to take flight.

 

With this new guy..... he says he likes to... needs to take things one day at a time. He has never felt truly 'in love' before, and so he is cautious. He is supposed to visit in a month.

 

And yet I sit here... stressing if I don't get a text or a call from him in a day. Letting the worrying voices in my head sing the "he doesn't love you" song.

 

Am I just being paranoid like I fear? Is it possible that my sixth sense really is going off and something is wrong?

 

How do you calm yourself down in a situation like this? I keep trying to distract myself but not much is doing the trick :/

[Angels&Airwaves]

You have been psychologically damaged from your previous relationship, so naturally anxiety and worry have set in with the prospect of a new relationship, it must be frustrating for you, but if you are to act on these impulses you have then you will probably ruin a perfect opportunity to find your perfect match.

 

If I was you, I’d strive to enjoy this person’s company as much as possible, get to know him more and then when feelings and situations develop just tell him how you feel and why you might feel this way and if he likes you as much as you like him, he’ll help you overcome your obstacles.

 

If you start texting him, phoning him and not allowing him any space, you’ll force him away from you, because he will think you are highly possessive and that’s not a trait you want to have associated with you.

 

My only advice is simply take each passing day as it comes and try to tackle your own inner demons, first on your own and if that doesn’t work then with his help (if he’s willing to help).

[lovesick33]

Thanks Angels... and yes, you are probably right, I need to take each day one day at a time, which is what I am trying to do.

 

I don't know if I can burden him with this anymore though... we are already pretty open with one another, and I have been pretty honest with him thus far. He already knows that I am feeling pretty strong for him here.

 

I guess the consensus is that I am feeling stronger than he is for now, but he isn't surprised by that at all, because he says it has always been that way for him. He says he always feels like he is a page or two behind in relationships... he just moves slow. Guards his heart well. I think that has to do with his own issues in his past and his childhood, and I can accept that.

 

But the word "scared" has come up more than once already... I don't want to hear it uttered too many times, ya know? .... I suppose I better just keep trying to lay low and be peaceful... it is so hard...

 

And I haven't heard from him all weekend now and I'm starting to worry again. Going slowly nuts here...

[Angels&Airwaves]

If he likes you as much as you have portrayed in your previous post than I don’t believe being completely honest with him will bring about any burden on his or your shoulders. You would do well in life remembering that honesty is the best policy, no matter what complexities exist in your situations.

 

However, I would also try and lighten the mood and perhaps spend the day or two together in each other’s company, I believe this will have positive implications on your overall well being, maybe go camping or attend a museum, do something light hearted and good natured and I’m sure your insecurities will succumb sooner, rather than later.

 

When you use the word ‘scared’ has come up, what do you mean? I didn’t quite understand what you meant, sorry! If you are worried about him, just give him a call and ask him how he is, what he’s been doing, but try not to portray yourself as a girl who likes to keep tabs on their partner, or as someone who is a bit possessive. If you have tried to get in contact with him over the weekend and have been unsuccessful, it might be wise to wait a few more days.

 

For all you know, he could be busy with a project, or his phone/computer is broken, there could be a number of reasons and I’m sure it’s all perfectly innocent. Just relax and enjoy the ebb and flow of life, rushing life does nobody any good what-so-ever.

[lovesick33]

It is funny... just a bit ago as I went to dry my hair and told myself to calm down, right then my phone beeped and it was him sending me a text just to check in on me and respond to one I'd sent him yesterday that he didn't reply to.

 

 

So... I finished doing what I was doing, made me some lunch, then I replied to him.. and... now no response from him again :/

 

This wouldn't seem very odd or anything... but for us it is. Normally we rapid fire several texts back and forth, so maybe that is why I've been feeling like something is off?

 

I like your suggestion of doing something together... but that is the difficult thing. We are long distance right now so... no can do at the drop of a hat. I won't see him until late next month, assuming everything is still going ok.

 

*sigh* right now I just wish I could stop panicking. I keep worrying that maybe he has met someone else or something and is just trying to figure out how to tell me or something awful like that. That is the horrible thing about liking someone too much and still having an undefined relationship with them.

 

... oh.. and what I mean about "scared"... well. For one, I am scared because of how vulnerable I feel. My strong feelings for him make me the vulnerable one. I know I am very open to being hurt right now, and that makes me uncomfortable.

 

I think he is scared because he knows that I like him a lot and his last relationship was very hard on him too. He still has a lot of issues over it as well. So... we are both rather cautious.

 

I'd be so happy if I could just make him be a big vulnerable mess with me though

[Touche]

Someone here mentioned honesty as being the best policy. Well ordinarily I would agree with that, but not in this case. If you want to make sure that this relationship ends, keep talking about your fears and your doubts. It's toxic and a poison to any relationship...LDR or not.

 

Write it in a journal or email a friend or talk on the phone with a trusted friend or family member. Get it out. But don't dump your insecurities and fears in his lap. In time he will tire of it. I'm sure he has his fears too. How would you like it if he voiced them all the time?

[Touche]

Sorry, I see he's brought the word "scared" up several times, right? So it's not just you. He's dumping his fears on you as well? Do I have this right?

 

You both need to stop it then. Take the time to get to know each other just as you would if this were not a LDR. There are always doubts and fears at the beginning of relationships...well most anyway. Until you really get to know a person, there are a lot of unknowns of course. Have faith.

 

No faith = no relationship. It's the death knell of any relationship. I don't think you should blindly trust someone but one can go to the other extreme.

 

What's that expression about marriage? Something about the triumph of hope over experience. That can pretty much be said about any successful relationship.

[directx]

It sounds like you are investing a little too much of yourself into him.

I wouldn't tell him your feelings. Take your time. What's your rush?

 

If you want to calm yourself down, get in that state of mind that if he dumps you, you won't fall to pieces, etc.

 

I mean, like you said, it's only been a week. I wouldn't even text/call every day, because it comes off as clingy and needy

[Touche]

No, direct. Lovesick said she has heard from him today.

[directx]

No, direct. Lovesick said she has heard from him today.

 

Oh, I guess I read it wrong (rough weekend)

 

Well, Lovesick, If what I wrote DID happen, you now know what to do.

[Touche]

It's sad to hear about all the wonderful relationships that could have been if it weren't for people psyching themselves out and sabotaging things.

 

Don't let that happen to you, lovesick. You might just regret it.

[lovesick33]

Thanks for the input guys.

 

 

I actually just got off the phone with him.

 

It was a nice conversation and I feel better.. calmer.. after talking to him, as I always do. We talked a little bit about things between us, but not too in depth, which I think is good... I definitely don't want to go overkill or beat any dead horses. By the time I see him next time I want things to still feel fresh and exciting.

 

All I'm hoping for now is to know that he does still care for me, that he's still looking forward to pursuing things, and that someone else hasn't distracted him away I suppose.... which is probably a silly paranoid worry, but nonetheless, I do feel better now.

 

Touche, you are absolutely right how sad it is that wonderful relationships get ruined in these stages where people phyche themselves out and sabotage things. This is why I posted here... I KNEW I was doing this to myself and I've been hating myself for it.

 

Worst of all, I fear the next few weeks before I see him again - most likely I will go up and down and up and down some more with worry. Hopefully I can find some balance...

 

 

We are trying to be honest with one another, while still giving each other space and breathing room. Thankfully we BOTH have issues in this... so neither one of us can accuse the other one of just being the "crazy" one

 

 

directx, you also make a very valid point about being in the state of mind that if he leaves, I won't want to fall to pieces. I've thought about this some, because my dad has told me before that it is what he believes is the key to a successful relationship as well - knowing that the other person can leave you. I will have to do some thinking about that. I think it is hardest in the beginning like this though, as I feel right now I'm just in the "honeymoon" period... just beginning to fall for him..... the romantic in me is at war with my logical mind!

[Touche]

Well I hope you find your balance. Please stop worrying about what might or might not happen. It does no good.

 

I wish you the very best.

[LOVE DAISIES]

Lovesick? Are you a busy person or do you have a lot of time on your hands? I ask this because the PERFECT cure for this issue you are having is to get very very very busy. With work..or whatever you have to do.

I know when I have a lot of time on my hands to think, I get like that too.

But if I am too busy (which I am most of the time) it REALLY eliminates this tendency. If you have a lot of free time, ask your boss for more hours....so when you aren't seeinng your guy, or hearing from him, you will be filling your time up with much more productive things.And believe me you will feel better....AND have more to talk about with him when you

hear from him.

[lovesick33]

Thank you Touche.

 

 

And thank you love daisies, you are so right haha.... oddly enough... no.. I really haven't been busy at all this weekend, and I hate it! Normally I look forward to the weekend, but this weekend I've actually been looking forward to the work week again just for the distraction, weird as that is, so I think you are right there.

 

I do work full time, so that helps. Hopefully this will begin to pass soon...

[Angels&Airwaves]

Someone here mentioned honesty as being the best policy. Well ordinarily I would agree with that, but not in this case. If you want to make sure that this relationship ends, keep talking about your fears and your doubts. It's toxic and a poison to any relationship...LDR or not.

 

Write it in a journal or email a friend or talk on the phone with a trusted friend or family member. Get it out. But don't dump your insecurities and fears in his lap. In time he will tire of it. I'm sure he has his fears too. How would you like it if he voiced them all the time?

 

It was I who mentioned honesty being the best policy and I believe this to be the case in any given situation a person may face in life. I don’t understand how informing your partner, or partner to be of your insecurities and problems can be the ‘kiss of death’ for want of a better word? I can understand how constant in-depth conversations about the issue(s) can affect the relationship and end it prematurely, but I don’t believe getting a problem off your chest will resort to the death of the given relationship.

 

Maybe I am wrong in which case I’ll guess I’ll be single for a very long time.

 

It sounds like you are investing a little too much of yourself into him.

I wouldn't tell him your feelings. Take your time. What's your rush?

 

If you want to calm yourself down, get in that state of mind that if he dumps you, you won't fall to pieces, etc.

 

I mean, like you said, it's only been a week. I wouldn't even text/call every day, because it comes off as clingy and needy

 

You raise good points, but I don’t believe it will be a problem for her to state she has a few problems prior to entering a relationship, I mean if I was forging a close bond with a young woman and she had a few issues which she needed solving, I would be more than happy to sit down, listen and offer some advice. I’d only possibly get irritated, tired and scared if the girl in question obsessed over them and spent much of our time together trying to search for solutions. If the issues a person has aren’t solved or aired between the couple, I believe these issues could have negative repercussions on the relationship at a later date.

 

 

It's sad to hear about all the wonderful relationships that could have been if it weren't for people psyching themselves out and sabotaging things.

 

Don't let that happen to you, lovesick. You might just regret it.

 

Yes this is so true, but I do not share this feeling for I am rarely in a position to ruin things with anyone, in fact it feels as though I am living my life in a nunnery.

[Touche]

I can understand how constant in-depth conversations about the issue(s) can affect the relationship and end it prematurely, but I don’t believe getting a problem off your chest will resort to the death of the given relationship.

 

We're not talking about "a problem" here. Wer'e talking about expressing doubts, insecurities, etc. It makes the other person feel like they can't be trusted. Like they're not the "real deal." It can turn the other persons off and make them feel like the "magic" is gone.

 

You say if this is the case then you'll be alone. Why? What is it about you that you feel insecure and doubtful enough to want to unload all of that on the person you're dating? We all feel those things, especially at the beginning. But we don't all go around poisoning new relationships by dumping our issues at the feet of the person we're dating.

[Angels&Airwaves]

We're not talking about "a problem" here. Wer'e talking about expressing doubts, insecurities, etc. It makes the other person feel like they can't be trusted. Like they're not the "real deal." It can turn the other persons off and make them feel like the "magic" is gone.

 

You say if this is the case then you'll be alone. Why? What is it about you that you feel insecure and doubtful enough to want to unload all of that on the person you're dating? We all feel those things, especially at the beginning. But we don't all go around poisoning new relationships by dumping our issues at the feet of the person we're dating.

 

 

I’d call insecurity and doubtfulness a problem, especially since these emotions have evolved from a previous relationship. I know what you mean (about how the other person will feel), and it does put strain on the relationship, but what do you expect the girl to do? Lie? Pretend these problems do not exist? People always ask for honesty and when they receive honesty they don’t like it, it would seem you can try your utmost to please and appease people, but nothing you can do will ever be enough, that’s truly disappointing.

 

They both have insecurities which need to be confronted and dealt with if they are to move on with their lives and I don’t see a problem with airing these concerns at the beginning so these problems can be dealt with from the beginning rather than lingering around like a foul odour for months before surfacing and becoming more prominent. That’s not to say these two young people should spend every waking moment of the day laying their problems at each others door, because it's obsessive behaviour that causes the death of relationship, not being open and honest.

 

This is not a thread in which I have the right to talk about myself, but what I meant when I said ‘I’ll probably be single for a very long time’, is simply because I'm honest and open with how I feel and because I’m straight talking I will inevitably put people off of me. Yes, I have insecurities too, but they have never affected me in terms of relationships and I usually just lay all my cards on the table and allow my friend to decipher through them.

Edited February 25, 2008 by Angels&Airwaves
jumbled up words that would work well in a riddle

[StrawberryLime]

I know how you feel about this, because I get that "afterglow" and then anxiety after seeing my boyfriend pretty often, too. If nothing at all went wrong and the afterglow was good, then you do have to realize the problems are probably all in your head.

 

The fact that you recognize you could be overanalyzing is a good thing.

 

But at some point you have to trust the words out of your man's mouth and believe him unless he gives you reason to do otherwise.

 

The afterglow only lasts until you wake up in the morning, to be honest, so write those doubts down in a journal or something and look back at them to decide if they're foolish or not. Also, getting the words out on paper might just make them easier to deal with.

[lovesick33]

I know how you feel about this, because I get that "afterglow" and then anxiety after seeing my boyfriend pretty often, too. If nothing at all went wrong and the afterglow was good, then you do have to realize the problems are probably all in your head.

 

The fact that you recognize you could be overanalyzing is a good thing.

 

But at some point you have to trust the words out of your man's mouth and believe him unless he gives you reason to do otherwise.

 

The afterglow only lasts until you wake up in the morning, to be honest, so write those doubts down in a journal or something and look back at them to decide if they're foolish or not. Also, getting the words out on paper might just make them easier to deal with.

 

This is good advice, thank you... I like this. And actually, I've started to do this.

 

In fact, when talking with him the other night, when he said something sweet to me, I even joked that I was going to write it down so I wouldn't forget (he says often that he is bad with compliments and such).

 

As for everything else... the laying out of problems and burdening one another..

It is actually a bit interesting with the two of us, because that is sort of how my relationship with him began. We actually started as friends who completely confided in one another - venting about past relationship woes, personal issues and such. So... admitting my issues to him isn't really a problem. I'm not really scared of that, and I'm not really scared of his issues.

 

Neither one of us is pretending to be perfect in this case.

 

It just becomes a different dynamic somehow as soon as you realize you have become more than friends - it has become more than platonic. Suddenly all that talking we did about relationship stuff.... it might apply to US now!

 

When speaking with him last night I was trying to hold back and he actually requested that I be honest with him... that I 'burden him' with what was on my mind. But.. I do still agree with Touche's point that too much of this can make things get too heavy.... so, I am trying to watch it.

 

THis love business seemed trickier when I was a bit younger.... now that I've been hurt a few times, I just feel so much more afraid somehow! Course... might be because this is the first guy I've actually been ga-ga over in a really long time

[Touche]

I do still agree with Touche's point that too much of this can make things get too heavy.... so, I am trying to watch it.

 

Yes, I think you get what I'm saying lovesick. I'm not sure the other poster did. I'm not saying to not be honest or to hide things from each other. Just to temper some of it. You really do understand what I'm saying.

 

Sounds like you have a nice relationship. And as time goes on, those insecurities should lessen. Just give it time. And most of all, enjoy what you have together.

[JackOfClubs]

Just wanted to thank Touche for the advice you gave to lovesick.

 

I'm a man but my situation sounds exactly like hers (and in many ways, I have to admit that I'm the more "female" in the relationship--no offense to the strong ladies on LS.org) Almost wants me to tell my brain to shut up sometimes.

 

But again, the advice about chilling out, slowing down, trusting, believing, one day at a time, good stuff...

 

I have to remind myself daily not to get needy (though I am) and not to appear clingy (though I am). There's just some people you want to be around all the time (especially if they're sweet and attractive and you just want to hold them in your arms for hours) but, of course, that's just not possible and is just a bad idea.

 

I just hope that one day the "I love you's" will sync up and all this time "out-of-phase" will be worth it.

[Angels&Airwaves]

Yes, I think you get what I'm saying lovesick. I'm not sure the other poster did. I'm not saying to not be honest or to hide things from each other. Just to temper some of it. You really do understand what I'm saying.

 

Sounds like you have a nice relationship. And as time goes on, those insecurities should lessen. Just give it time. And most of all, enjoy what you have together.

 

If you have read my posts, you’ll realise that I didn’t advocate in-depth and prolong discussions with regards to the issues these two have, all I said was that they should be able to confined in each other from the beginning and be honest with one another as it will put them in good stead for the future. Hiding issues does not help, which I felt you were advocating, of course I’m probably wrong.

 

Maybe lying, delusion and keep secrets works for other people, but it doesn’t work for me, I’m not good at hiding my feelings, insecurities, likes and dislikes. I’m honest, straight talking and one never to hide how I feel. So in my eyes, I’d rather get everything off of my chest and carry on with life than succumb to the immense, unbearable weight after months of severe battling to no avail.

[allieapplesauce]

lovesick i know what you mean. i've been going out with this guy and he'd asked me to be his girlfriend so it's like there's this definite term for it...not just this vague what are we doing together...i can definie it and that helps. hes got some things going on i think are distracting him...altho i am a little over anxious and scared just like you are i think...and i dont want to be. i just hate that i dont know what he's thinking...but would you really want to know in the end? i just wish you luck that everything turns out!!!

[lovesick33]

lovesick i know what you mean. i've been going out with this guy and he'd asked me to be his girlfriend so it's like there's this definite term for it...not just this vague what are we doing together...i can definie it and that helps. hes got some things going on i think are distracting him...altho i am a little over anxious and scared just like you are i think...and i dont want to be. i just hate that i dont know what he's thinking...but would you really want to know in the end? i just wish you luck that everything turns out!!!

 

 

I definitely think this is a huge part of what is stressing me out - the not having a definition to things! But... I know it is just too soon to force anything. And being LD... well, we certainly can't force anything.

 

I'm still worried constantly... I don't know. It often feels like he is just acting differently towards me than he used to. It seems like we talk less... he doesn't reply to texts and emails as quickly, though he seems to insist that nothing is wrong. And as soon as I make up my mind that I'm not going to bother him until he calls me first, he texts me randomly within an hour.... almost like he knows what I was thinking. It is almost frustrating!

 

I already know he is the type who tends to keep his heart in a box and pull back when he likes someone.... he is guarded. So... maybe he acts this way because he actually does like me? Yet... his actions also make me fear at times that he likes me less. It just makes me want to scream some days... AHHHHH!!!!!

 

Thanks for the well wishes