desertmama Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 Hi! I have been married for just under 3 years to my husband, but have been with him for almost 9. When we were first dating he went to a strip club during a bachelor party for a cousin. I was very upset because I had told him I am not okay with strip clubs, unless you are single. He assured me that he didn't do anything wrong, didn't like it, etc. Now, he is applying for another job that required him to fill out a background packet that asked him all kinds of moral and personal questions. After filling out the background packet and having me go over with him and one of the questions was regarding strip clubs. So he confesses that way back then he DID get a lap dance, but it was no big deal. The next day, I was proofreading it and it said he had been multiple times and had multiple lap dances. When I confronted him, he confessed to going with different guy friends on 15 to 20 occasions, sometimes getting lap dances, or just hanging out. I am totally devastated and feel like he has betrayed my trust and our entire relationship. If I had known this, I honestly don't know if I would have stayed with him, and now we are married with two young children. He says that he stopped going because he got tired of it and that it doesn't have anything to do with me or our relationship, it is just a GUY THING. I feel like its almost-cheating. And if he lied about it over and over for years, he obviously knew it was wrong. Any advice about how to handle this?
Author desertmama Posted February 24, 2008 Author Posted February 24, 2008 I also wanted to say, he didn't confess to the multiple times until AFTER I had read it and confronted him. He said he doesn't see the point in it bothering me because it was 4 years ago, but I don't think that just because you take longer to find out makes it less horrible. How do I know that he is giving me the full story now? He says he is, but he has already shown himself as deceitful after this. I am totally a wreck about this. I feel like someone pulled the rug out from under me.
Curmudgeon Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 I also wanted to say, he didn't confess to the multiple times until AFTER I had read it and confronted him. He said he doesn't see the point in it bothering me because it was 4 years ago, but I don't think that just because you take longer to find out makes it less horrible. How do I know that he is giving me the full story now? He says he is, but he has already shown himself as deceitful after this. I am totally a wreck about this. I feel like someone pulled the rug out from under me. Getting over a major lie told by one who is supposed to love you is probably one of the most difficult things you can do in a relationship. It goes right to the root of the marriage because it's a matter of losing trust and confidence in them, and respect as well. If it continues to be a major issue that drives a really huge wedge between you then I would suggest counseling. Without it, the issue will likely just sit there and fester.
crystalapixy Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 hi...i do not know EXACTLY how you feel, but to some extent, i can relate. i have recently found thousands and i mean THOUSANDS of porn pictures on my boyfriend's computer. and it happened by accident. he had told me numerous times that he wasn't into that and didn't need it because he was happy in our relationship, but when i stumbled across it, i could not believe my eyes. among those pictures i had found pictures of real women that looked like they were taken on a web cam. all i can tell you, is that you should try to get to the root of this, and if it's really bothering you, that won't go away. i tried to let it slide, but the bad feelings kept accumulating. how does he act towards you? is he distant? how is his behavior? i hope all is well
annieo Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 Been there, desertmama. My h did essentially the same thing, went to sc several times, lied to me about where he had been (told me that he and a co-worker had gone out for a few beers, but didn't tell me where. Claimed it was just a pub) told me he had table (not lap) dances (but I don't believe him), but the "whole"? truth came out slowly, painfully and after the fact. The fact that it was in the past doesn't help. In fact for me, it made me realize just how well and how long he could lie to me. Advice? I have none. We are still together (our little drama took place a year and 3 months ago), and I love him as much as ever but I don't trust him the way I once did. And I doubt I ever will, not completely. If this is all fresh, then get used to feeling angry as hell for the foreseeable future. My h did his strip club thing while away on business, so every time he has to travel, we suffer. It usually takes a few days after he returns for me to be normal again. Like I said, the trust is not back. Whereas in the past, I might call him now and then if he was away, now I call at midnight, to his hotel not his cell. Yes, I'm checking up on him, but he realizes why and doesn't make a big deal about it. And it has made me feel less like I owe him the complete truth. Kind of dangerous dynamic. But we are hobbling along, and most days are good again. Good luck, I know what you are going through.
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