Author daisygirl Posted March 7, 2008 Author Posted March 7, 2008 Surf- You're absolutely right. There are indeed people that cannot forgive being cheated on. Understandably. That doesn't change their right to know the truth of what's gone on in their marriage. The truth is, they still deserve to know the truth so that they can actually make an informed decision to continue the marriage or end it. The odds that DG...or ANY wayward spouse...can "fix the problem" without their spouses help are ludicrously low. If that could have happened, they would have done so BEFORE they had an affair. And in reality, you'll find that the MAJORITY of betrayed spouses surprisingly decide to work on the marriage. The odds are that they'll want to help resolve the problem. Apparently, DG's H made the other choice. But here's the other part...he's also currently on the emotional rollercoaster ride from heck. One moment, he'll hate her and want the D. The next, he'll want to fight tooth and nail to save what he's had. If she were to make the effort to work through things, his attitude might change. You've vehemently disagreed with my advice. I vehemently disagree with yours. Guess we'll have to agree to disagree. Not sure if it was clear or not, but I still haven't told my H about the EA. He decided to D without knowing about it.
Author daisygirl Posted March 7, 2008 Author Posted March 7, 2008 This sounds like my marriage (only we didn't have children). She never wanted physical intamacy, didn't enjoy doing things with me, etc. I tried to get her to go with me to counseling, but she refused. She cheated on me and then we divorced. If you want to save the marriage, try counseling. Both of you have to go, though, because if you need physical intamacy and attention (which are qualities of a healthy marriage) then he needs to go to counseling, too. If not, and you think that it's a lost cause, divorce him and move on. Affairs while you're with someone just cause too much pain. If you really feel that you want to move on and find someone else, leave him before you become involved with someone else. But I would suggest counseling first, since it sounds like you'd like to save the marriage. Thanks for the input. We were going to do MC, but H decided not to try and wants to divorce.
whichwayisup Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Is it possible that he knows and just hasn't said anything? I know you said he isn't computer savvy, but he could have a friend who is and has helped him set up a keylogger.
Author daisygirl Posted March 7, 2008 Author Posted March 7, 2008 Is it possible that he knows and just hasn't said anything? I know you said he isn't computer savvy, but he could have a friend who is and has helped him set up a keylogger. I'm pretty sure he would have confronted me about it if he knew. But I suppose it's possible.
whichwayisup Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Maybe that's why he's wanting the D without trying marriage counselling first. It is a possibility he's waiting for you to come clean.
Author daisygirl Posted March 8, 2008 Author Posted March 8, 2008 (edited) Maybe that's why he's wanting the D without trying marriage counselling first. It is a possibility he's waiting for you to come clean. I guess I will find out soon enough. Of course, I certainly hope he didn't find out. I am by no means justifying what I did, but I know my husband and he will make it seem way worse than it was. Again, I totally admit that seeking comfort from another man was WRONG. Way wrong. But I did try to talk with my H for years without any change. Or he'd change for a week or so and things would always go back to the way they were. That said, I still shouldn't have had an EA, but I feel that I did the right thing by stopping it before it went further. And to further defend my point....(LOL)....Probably about 2 1/2 years ago, I remember seeing a chat window open that H had up (I wasn't snooping, it was just up there on the screen) - he used to search for girls to chat with on Skype, just for "friends". Well in this conversation, he had told this "friend" that the only time he had ever been in love was with his ex-girlfriend. I confronted him about it, and he said he was not telling the "friend" the truth, he was just making converstion with her. Bull****. I guess my point is that he had confided in at least one other woman before, so I guess we both have a history of it. Yes, it was 2 1/2 years ago, but the fact is that I was always insecure about him actually being in love with me and never felt much passion from him. I don't even know why I just thought of that, or shared it. Oh, and here's what H said today before he left for work...He said that he will probably be going out tonight and told me to not be surprised if he doesn't come home tonight. He's not much of a going out type guy - he goes out occasionally on Sat nights with his friends, but this was kind of random. We'll see if he actually stays out all night. But I don't think this was a good thing for him to say if he plans on fighting me for custody.... Edited March 8, 2008 by daisygirl
twice_shy Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Sorry, but it takes two people in a marriage to have the other go into another relationship, even an EA. The EA gave you what you are lacking in your M. dayum, what an advocate!! You make it sound so beautiful.
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Sorry, but it takes two people in a marriage to have the other go into another relationship, It takes ONE person to think selfishly and decide on their own to go and cheat. Blaming the BS and the state of the marriage to choose to cheat is bullcrap. If there's a choice to be made, why not talk it out and fix things. Cheating is the easy and selfish way to go..
Author daisygirl Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 It takes ONE person to think selfishly and decide on their own to go and cheat. Blaming the BS and the state of the marriage to choose to cheat is bullcrap. If there's a choice to be made, why not talk it out and fix things. Cheating is the easy and selfish way to go.. This is very true, and I in no way will EVER blame my H for my EA. I was the one that chose to pour my heart out to another man, and I don't hold anyone except myself accountable for choosing to do this.
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 I know you wouldn't and haven't. My comment was directed to Blue-eyed..
Author daisygirl Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 I know you wouldn't and haven't. My comment was directed to Blue-eyed.. I figured that, but just wanted to post my feelings, "for the record"
Recommended Posts