I had an EA

[Owl]

Then I wish you good luck in your marital recovery.

[carhill]

Do feel your H is a flight risk with your son? Not uncommon with some Muslim countries...

 

I think I'd get into the nitty gritty of this in IC and ask the therapist for a referral for legal advice. They see such dynamics all the time and should have resources you can explore.

 

How about this? No disclosure for now, but pursue safety measures for you and your child so if future disclosure (from you or others) occurs, you'll be safe.

 

My read here is fear. Happy to be wrong, of course

[daisygirl]

Then I wish you good luck in your marital recovery.

 

Thank you I hope you know I do appreciate the input and advice. Even if I can't agree, all advice is helpful!

 

Do feel your H is a flight risk with your son? Not uncommon with some Muslim countries...

 

I think I'd get into the nitty gritty of this in IC and ask the therapist for a referral for legal advice. They see such dynamics all the time and should have resources you can explore.

 

How about this? No disclosure for now, but pursue safety measures for you and your child so if future disclosure (from you or others) occurs, you'll be safe.

 

My read here is fear. Happy to be wrong, of course

 

I don't think H would leave the country with our son, no. H just got his US citizenship this year and has no desire to live in his home country again. He has, however, said that he would bring his mother here to help raise our son when/if we get divorced and he gets custody. He has all the financial means to get a good lawyer, and I don't. So yes, fear is a HUGE factor here. Huge.

 

Thanks again, Carhill

 

One question....and forgive me, but I am blonde....lol.....what kind of "safety measures" do you mean? Just legal advice?

Edited February 27, 2008 by daisygirl

[carhill]

Safety measures = advance plan of action in case something goes wrong. Knowledge of your rights and how to protect yourself are power and confidence. That way you can approach the relationship from a position of power rather than weakness and fear.

 

Example: I've suggested to my wife that she pre-qualify herself for a home loan and/or apartment/home rental, so that way she doesn't feel pressured to "stay" if our relationship gets difficult. She makes a good living but has always depended on me for such things. I want her to approach our theraputic process and resultant relationship with full knowledge and power and remain with me because she wants to be with me, not because she feels compelled out of fear of making it on her own.

 

Your circumstances are different, necessitating a different approach. The key is using the resources you have available to you. Only you know what they are.

[Meaplus3]

Hello everyone. I am totally new here, and have been reading everyone's stories, and I decided it was time to share my own. I realize that this forum has both sides of affairs, so I know that I will get some criticism as well as sympathy, and I am not really looking for either, just want to vent, I guess....so here it goes....

 

I recently got involved in an online EA. We met in November, neither of us were looking for an affair (he's actually single, but he still wasn't looking for a girlfriend at the time). We first chatted online for a few days, honestly just friendly conversation. After a week or so, we realized that we really enjoyed each other's conversations and he asked if I would ever call him. BTW, I was honest with him from the beginning and he knew I was married with a son. He knew I was having some problems in my marriage. Nothing really horrible, but my husband is a bit controlling, has a horrible temper, and can be very critical, especially when I'm already down. He's a workaholic and is rarely home, and when he is home, he never wants to talk to me. I started feeling like I was just the mother of his son, not his wife. I got rejected sexually for a LONG time...and YES, I have tried talking to him about all this in the past...he always blamed it on his working too much. I am emotional, I crave attention, and I am a stay-at-home-mom, so attention from this new guy was exciting for me. I decided to call him, even though I was nervous, and I wasn't sure if the phone conversations would be as great as it was online. It turned out we felt completely comfortable talking to each other and ended up telling each other everything. He wanted to know everything about me, and me about him. I got so caught up in it, and I know that sounds pathetic, but I just did. It was so great talking to someone who I had so much in common with and wanted to know so much about me. H and I got married one month after meeting, so we never really had that "getting to know you" phase. H is also 10 years older than me, and he comes from a different country with a much different culture. He is Muslim, so he is much more conservative than I am. The OM is my age, more liberal, more exciting, all the things H isn't. He cared about my dreams and aspirations, and wanted to explore them with me. Looking back, I KNOW that I should have stopped this EA long before our feelings got involved. I still don't feel like we fell in love, because we never even met in person. But as crazy as it may sound to most of you, there was a connection that I never felt with my H. We talked on the phone almost every day for 3 months. Why didn't I stop it before? I wish I knew. I wanted (still want) to be with this man that i never met (we did exchange many photos, so I have "seen" him).

 

I still haven't told H about this EA. I cannot tell him. I ended the EA last Tuesday, and I am going to go to individual counseling and H and I are going to start marriage counseling. We had problems before this EA. I remember not feeling a connection with H long before I met the OM. I put in in the back of my mind and tried to ignore it. It's not just the the lack of connection/passion either. We argue a lot, and as I said, he has a bad temper and has hurt me with the things he says a lot. I have asked him to go to counseling many times before, and he always refused. Recently, I have threatened divorce, so now he's willing to try. The EA definitely clouded my judgement. I thought life with the OM would be so much better than life with my H, and if I wasn't already married, it possibly could be. But my gut was telling me that I have a husband and he and I have a child together and I owe it to all of us to try counseling to work on it. Since the EA, I have not been so nice to my H. I honestly have been a b****, and now he feels like he doesn't love me anymore. I still love him, but we are lacking the romantic/passionate feelings that I desire. I know that after 5 years of marriage and having a child, some things die. But I see how other couples with children still look at each other, kiss each other, and H and I lost that a long time ago (before the EA).

 

I totally regret the EA. I cut off contact last Tuesday, as I said. But I am still wishing I could talk to him. I miss him. Everything reminds me of him. I wonder how my life would be with him. I hate this. I hurt him, too. He said he was starting to think I was someone he could spend his life with. Then I went and told him we couldn't talk anymore. I never thought I was the type of person to have an affair. Sure, we never even met, but I shared more with the OM than I have with my H. I hurt my H and I hurt the OM. Now I am hurting, but I guess I deserve it.

 

Since the NC with the OM, I have starting feeling more love towards H, but I have to admit, it's not what I was hoping for. I feel love as a friendship kind of love. I want to feel more for him. Will it ever come back? Anyone else been through this? This is killing me. Will counseling help rekindle any feelings for my H and me??

 

Sorry that was sooooo long. I am sure I was all over the place, too. My emotions are crazy right now, so I hope it all made sense. Thanks for reading (if anyone made it this far )

 

I can very much relate to you!..You did the right thing by ending the ea.. it's the first step to working on your marriage..as with the OM in the picture that's not possible.. I know just how much this hurt's really I do...time will help here and allow for clairity..Stick with NC.. and give MC and even perhap's IC your best shot! Do not expect all of your feeling's for H to be what you desire right away.. that's not the way it work's. Atleast you will have tryed everything in your power.. to save your marriage..Best of luck to you..Keep your head up and stay strong!

 

AP:)

[Blue Eyed Brain]

Sorry, but it takes two people in a marriage to have the other go into another relationship, even an EA. The EA gave you what you are lacking in your M.

 

Hubby should be in IC as well. He sounds like he has many, many issues and is giving you verbal abuse and verbal batterings. Maybe the EA will open your eyes and see what your marriage is really like - good or bad.

[daisygirl]

Safety measures = advance plan of action in case something goes wrong. Knowledge of your rights and how to protect yourself are power and confidence. That way you can approach the relationship from a position of power rather than weakness and fear.

 

Example: I've suggested to my wife that she pre-qualify herself for a home loan and/or apartment/home rental, so that way she doesn't feel pressured to "stay" if our relationship gets difficult. She makes a good living but has always depended on me for such things. I want her to approach our theraputic process and resultant relationship with full knowledge and power and remain with me because she wants to be with me, not because she feels compelled out of fear of making it on her own.

 

Your circumstances are different, necessitating a different approach. The key is using the resources you have available to you. Only you know what they are.

 

Wow, have you always been so understanding and supportive with your wife, or did that come with counseling? That's great that you are taking all necessary steps to try and help your marriage.

 

Anyway, back to my issue. I am actively looking for a full-time job, my H is aware of this. He has said things like, "when you get a job, then you're going to leave me". I look at it as a good thing either way. If we stay together, we'll have more money coming in, I'll have something to keep me busy, make me feel better about myself, etc. Should we end up splitting, I will have means to support myself and our son. This is one way for me to feel a little more powerful.

 

I can very much relate to you!..You did the right thing by ending the ea.. it's the first step to working on your marriage..as with the OM in the picture that's not possible.. I know just how much this hurt's really I do...time will help here and allow for clairity..Stick with NC.. and give MC and even perhap's IC your best shot! Do not expect all of your feeling's for H to be what you desire right away.. that's not the way it work's. Atleast you will have tryed everything in your power.. to save your marriage..Best of luck to you..Keep your head up and stay strong!

 

AP:)

 

Thanks for the input

 

I started thinking (I overanalyze...lol) and I realized that my feelings for my H were gone even before the EA, so I think it may take A LOT of time to feel anything. I don't know what happened to us. I just remember not being interested and us feeling like roommates for months before the EA started. It's probably been more like 6-9 months that it's been really bad. The EA definitely made things worse- so I am so glad I ended it! Even though it's only been a week, has made my head more clear and I am starting to remember when things started going bad....not just thinking about the OM anymore.

 

Sorry, but it takes two people in a marriage to have the other go into another relationship, even an EA. The EA gave you what you are lacking in your M.

 

Hubby should be in IC as well. He sounds like he has many, many issues and is giving you verbal abuse and verbal batterings. Maybe the EA will open your eyes and see what your marriage is really like - good or bad.

 

I agree with you. I am emotionally weak, and my H is controlling. Not a healthy relationship. I don't think the EA is our main problem, which is one reason I don't want to tell him about it. If it was the only source of the problems, I think honesty would be better, but we had issues with or w/out the EA. I have told my H that he needs IC, but he said I am the reason he has anger issues, and if we get divorced, he won't need IC because I won't be there to cause problems for him anymore.

 

Now I am certainly not saying I am perfect here. I get defensive and can be quite a smart ass. But I am tired of always having to be the one to back down and say "I'm sorry". H will NEVER admit when he is wrong. Boy do we need counseling....lol.

 

Thanks Blue Eyed Brain...your response was awesome

Edited February 28, 2008 by daisygirl

[Owl]

Sorry, but it takes two people in a marriage to have the other go into another relationship, even an EA. The EA gave you what you are lacking in your M.

 

Wrong. It took two people to create the stress in the marriage. It took ONE SELFISH PERSON to start a relationship with someone outside of the marriage.

 

The two actions (contributing to a rocky marriage, and deciding to cheat) are SEPERATE ACTIONS.

 

No offense to the OP intended...but the first step towards fixing a problem is identifying and taking responsibility for your part in the problem.

[daisygirl]

I just need to vent....

 

Why is NC so hard for me? It's only been 11 days, and after about a week, I started feeling a little better, but yesterday and today have been hard. I have no idea why. Nothing in particular happened, I just keep thinking about the OM. I wish I could just erase him from my memory and put that behind me so I would be able to focus more on my marriage and see how I REALLY feel about my H.

 

I have our first MC session set up for March 10. My H seems very negative about it. He's still not sure what he wants, either. He said that a lot of feelings have died and he's not sure if he can get them back. I feel the same way about him. He still doesn't know about the EA, but while I was in the EA, I acted very cold towards my H. This is when he said his feelings died. I know how I acted was wrong, but I was in a fog from thinking about the OM. Now my H is not sure if he loves me at all and is pretty much giving me the same treatment I gave him. I can't believe that I hurt so many people from my selfish actions. I honestly know that my marriage was on thin ice even before the EA, but I went and made it worse by attaching myself to another man. I also wonder, though, if the EA was in a way a good thing to make me realize that I wasn't happy in my marriage. I had been having major doubts about it for years and was never brave enough to talk to anyone about my feelings. The EA kind of made me realize what I was lacking in my marriage.

 

OK....just needed to get those thoughts out.

[carhill]

Wow, have you always been so understanding and supportive with your wife, or did that come with counseling? That's great that you are taking all necessary steps to try and help your marriage.

 

Actually, yes, I have. I've always encouraged my wife to be as independent as possible, which is adjunct to my historical feelings about women in general. I had a very independent and strong-minded mother for a role model. My wife had two unsuccessful marriages prior, so had many doubts. MC has given me better tools to communicate my perspective so my wife hopefully can see it as a position of strength, rather than me pushing her away. I wish her to be with me because she wants to be (and vice-versa). The main benefit of MC for me has been understanding my own psychology better and learning ways to better communicate it and my needs/desires to my wife and listen (important lesson for me) to hers.

 

NC is very hard. I will be doing this later this month with a good female friend who my wife might possibly view as a hindrance to our therapy. My "EA" if you will, though our platonic relationship predated my wife by about 15 years. I connect better emotionally with women, but that can be seen as a threat or hindrance, so I must be mindful of it.

 

Keep up the NC and come back and update us. You have some very unique issues to deal with and things won't happen overnight. It's been six months in MC for us and I'm just now "getting it".

[daisygirl]

Actually, yes, I have. I've always encouraged my wife to be as independent as possible, which is adjunct to my historical feelings about women in general. I had a very independent and strong-minded mother for a role model. My wife had two unsuccessful marriages prior, so had many doubts. MC has given me better tools to communicate my perspective so my wife hopefully can see it as a position of strength, rather than me pushing her away. I wish her to be with me because she wants to be (and vice-versa). The main benefit of MC for me has been understanding my own psychology better and learning ways to better communicate it and my needs/desires to my wife and listen (important lesson for me) to hers.

 

NC is very hard. I will be doing this later this month with a good female friend who my wife might possibly view as a hindrance to our therapy. My "EA" if you will, though our platonic relationship predated my wife by about 15 years. I connect better emotionally with women, but that can be seen as a threat or hindrance, so I must be mindful of it.

 

Keep up the NC and come back and update us. You have some very unique issues to deal with and things won't happen overnight. It's been six months in MC for us and I'm just now "getting it".

 

Thanks, yet again, Carhill! Hopefully things will get better for us.

[daisygirl]

Another vent...I think we're doomed. Why do I keep picking fights with my H? I say one smart a$$ remark, and then an argument explodes, and hurtful things get said. Why can't I keep my mouth shut? It's strange because I wasn't always like this, just recently. Like I'm subconsciously trying to sabotage our marriage. Now he's not wanting to do MC if I continue to act like this. I can't say I blame him....

Edited March 6, 2008 by daisygirl

[carhill]

Yes, it is your subconscious. There's some part of you which wishes to be away from him. I find, sometimes, I have to fight the desire to give my wife a wide physical berth around the house, like touching her causes me to recoil. Not a good sign, but if I can get to the root cause, I might be able to fix it. I have a feeling I know where it's coming from, that being latent feelings for my old female friend. Hence, that is why I want to go NC for awhile, like 6 mo to a year, and judge the results. I had this problem years ago, when dating, and women commented on it.

 

Your reasons/issues are likely different, but figuring them out should be helpful. Good luck!

[daisygirl]

Yes, it is your subconscious. There's some part of you which wishes to be away from him. I find, sometimes, I have to fight the desire to give my wife a wide physical berth around the house, like touching her causes me to recoil. Not a good sign, but if I can get to the root cause, I might be able to fix it. I have a feeling I know where it's coming from, that being latent feelings for my old female friend. Hence, that is why I want to go NC for awhile, like 6 mo to a year, and judge the results. I had this problem years ago, when dating, and women commented on it.

 

Your reasons/issues are likely different, but figuring them out should be helpful. Good luck!

 

Thanks for responding. It's good to know I am not the only one. And yes, part of me does want to be away from him. So I guess if I act like a B****, then he won't want to be with me anymore, either.

 

He gets really angry when I do this, understandably so. It's usually over something petty, and then as I mentioned before, hurtful things get said. I wish I could stop. I don't want to feel like it was totally my fault when/if the big D happens.

[carhill]

It's always the little things

 

I'm the Bi*** in our house, but therapy has taught me tools to get my point across without yelling.

 

Example. Last night, wife unit was sitting watching AI (American Idol) and chatting with her girlfriends on my laptop whilst I was folding laundry and doing dishes. We both work, but I work at "home" (my shop is on the property). When I was done, I didn't lambaste her for not "helping", I merely walked over, closed the lid on the laptop and told her "I'm done working, now it's time to play a bit" and took it away. No anger, no bad words, just a simple statement of my action. If I had asked her to help me, it would have been "later". So, I don't ask anymore, do it myself and add it to the list on one side of the marriage ledger (reasons to stay or to go). I can't change anyone but myself

 

P.S. - she has her own computer, a really nice flat screen iMac that I got for her. Of course, it's in the kitchen and the TV is in the living room

[daisygirl]

 

I'm the Bi*** in our house, but therapy has taught me tools to get my point across without yelling.

 

 

LMAO, this comment cracked me up!!

 

I don't really ever yell...my H is the one that does that. I make smart ass remarks. I don't think before I speak. I *think* some of it is because I have been somewhat submissive in our marriage for so long, and now I am feeling more confident and saying things I've wanted to say all this time. Not his fault, my fault for being quiet for so long. It was all bottled up.

 

For example, this morning:

 

I told my H we were invited to a party this Sat. evening. As usual, he can't go because he has to work. He said "why do you even bother telling me when you know I can't go?" Well, I always tell him because I always wanted to spend time with him (now I'm not wanting to, but that's another issue), but he is never able to go to social events with me because of work. Anyway, then, I said "Well, if I go, I'll have to find a babysitter". Then H said, "You can go if you want to". I said "Well, I wasn't asking for your permission, of course I'll go if I want to". That's when he got pissed. Of course he did...what a smart ass thing for me to say! Why can't I keep my thoughts to myself? I am sure he didn't mean I needed his permission, I just blurted out my first reaction. I guess in the back of my mind, because of our cultural differences, I always feel like there is an inequality between us. I still think he has the "men are superior" attitude, even if it's not really obvious. Not sure if that makes sense or not. Maybe I'm just paranoid. But, he will admit to anyone that in his culture, it's ok for men to cheat, but not for women (he's never cheated that I am aware of...no reason to suspect him, but this thinking still bothers me). this is one example of why I feel the inequality. But, I still need to keep my big mouth shut....LOL

Edited March 6, 2008 by daisygirl

[surfcitysiren]

Daisygirl,

 

Reading your post....wow....you just wrote my exact story, almost to a T. If I was able to IM, I would have done so to tell you this, but as I am new, I can't. I just wanted you to know that you are not the only one experiencing almost the same set of issues. Would love to hear more about how you are progressing.

[daisygirl]

Daisygirl,

 

Reading your post....wow....you just wrote my exact story, almost to a T. If I was able to IM, I would have done so to tell you this, but as I am new, I can't. I just wanted you to know that you are not the only one experiencing almost the same set of issues. Would love to hear more about how you are progressing.

 

Are you still on? I can put my email address on here and then delete it after you got it....

[daisygirl]

Well, we didn't even make it to MC. Hubby told me last night that he is tired of fighting for our marriage and does not want to do MC and wants to go ahead with the divorce. I am going to stay here until I get a job, and then I will move out. Wow, I have a lot ahead of me. He is still saying he's going to fight for custody of our son. I can't lose my son. That scares me.

 

I am going through a lot of emotions right now. In a way, I feel like a weight has been lifted off, but I can't say I feel "happy" right now. Scared, anxious, unsure.....

 

Oh, and he told me I was going to be a loser when I am on my own. I know he's upset and hurt, but the name-calling is uncalled for, IMO. I have ONCE called him a jerk, and that was the only time I called him a name. I regretted it immediately and apologized right away. He has called me "stupid", "bi***", and now "loser". He always said these things in the heat of the moment, and it wasn't frequently, but I still think it's wrong. After all, I am the mother of his child, if nothing else.

 

He also told me not to sleep in our bed anymore, so I am in the guest room from now on.

 

Wow, this is all happening so fast, it's hard to take in. But I'll know I'll be ok....

 

 

Thanks for reading :|

[daisygirl]

BTW...I am still going to continue IC....I had an appt scheduled today, but had to cancel because my son is sick

[eeyore1980]

Sorry, but it takes two people in a marriage to have the other go into another relationship, even an EA. The EA gave you what you are lacking in your M.

 

 

Why do you think that? In my situation, what H was lacking in our marriage was getting his way 100% of the time. 99% just wasn't enough. So according to your theory, I have to take at least part of the blame for my husband's selfishness and dishonesty? Why? Sorry, but I don't see, at least in my case, where I carry any of the blame for what he did. I spent the year or two leading up to him getting another woman trying to have civil, rational discussions with him. He chose from the beginning to lie to my face. I finally got fed up and told him to clean up his own mess, and within two weeks he's sneaking around behind my back with someone else. I have followed the rules, and respected him and our marriage for 23 years. He broke the rules, disrespected me, disrespected our children, and now I am supposed to share the responsibility for this? I don't think so.

[surfcitysiren]

Again, it boils down to either telling the truth to him...or lying to him for the rest of your life.

 

Its not pretty...but that's exactly what it is.

 

Does he not deserve to know the truth? If he cheated...wouldn't YOU want to know the truth, so that you could work to fix the issues? Do you really think that you're going to be able to rebuild your marriage while ignoring this huge, huge issue?

 

I totally understand your fear. It IS possible that he'd leave you over this. Its also very possible that it could trigger a desire to fix things too.

 

Again...do you think that you're going to be ok with lying to him for the rest of your life?

 

 

I'm sorry but I'm going to have to vehemently disagree and say that you should NOT, under any circumstances, tell your husband about the EA. Not because I condone lying but because I know from personal experience that such a revelation would only hurt, not help.

 

Here's the deal: The EA is only a SYMPTOM, not the true PROBLEM.

Focusing too much on the symptoms (and dragging someone else into it who will NOOOOOOT understand) will only cause the symptom to be magnified, while all the while failing to address the REAL ISSUES.

 

Pinpoint the ISSUES and their solutions, don't spin your wheels focusing on the symptoms. You've eliminated it from your life and learned from it. Build on that, don't allow it to detract from progress in resolving the real problem.

 

I WOULD, however, absolutely bring it up in your IC in order to give your counselor a better opportunity to help you pinpoint the REASONS BEHIND your engaging in the EA and help you overcome them now and in the future.

 

Fact: Some people, men and women alike, simply do not have the capacity to forgive and move on once such a betrayal has been revealed to them. My husband is one of those people. From what you've shared of your husband's attitudes and mindsets, he may be this way as well. You know him best so only you can answer that.

 

If your true desire is to make this work with your husband then you need to honestly assess whether such a revelation is truly constructive or whether it will just cause more hurt than anything else. I personally believe it's counterproductive and will cause more harm than good. You took your medicine and put it behind you. As long as it's behind you, why bring it up?

 

Here's what I think: You made the mistake, you get to live with the consequences. You know what's true in your own heart and you have to face yourself in the mirror each day and that's enough punishment in itself, IMO. I don't think you should get the 'luxury' of unburdening yourself of your past wrongs.....you get to be a big girl and live with it, right? Right. ; )

 

I think it's far more constructive to face the things within your own self that are lacking and learn to give yourself some of the things you feel you are not getting from your husband. There may be some needs you have that he is not capable of meeting. Ever. Work on what needs to change with you. You are in IC so this is a perfect time to pursue this avenue and learn and grow, which, being as I'm in the same boat as you, I feel pretty confident you have already learned quite a bit about yourself and grown as a result.

 

If you've truly let the EA go, then treat it as a mistake...one you have to live with....and use it to make yourself and your marriage stronger. There is a lot of good that can come out of this, IMO&E.

 

As for MC....I think your husband's attitude is very telling and that's too bad. You are doing the right things....work with the counselor and see if that brings resolution to some of your marital issues. It may not, but at least you will know you gave it your best shot.

 

You'll be okay......promise. xoxo

[daisygirl]

I'm sorry but I'm going to have to vehemently disagree and say that you should NOT, under any circumstances, tell your husband about the EA. Not because I condone lying but because I know from personal experience that such a revelation would only hurt, not help.

 

Here's the deal: The EA is only a SYMPTOM, not the true PROBLEM.

Focusing too much on the symptoms (and dragging someone else into it who will NOOOOOOT understand) will only cause the symptom to be magnified, while all the while failing to address the REAL ISSUES.

 

Pinpoint the ISSUES and their solutions, don't spin your wheels focusing on the symptoms. You've eliminated it from your life and learned from it. Build on that, don't allow it to detract from progress in resolving the real problem.

 

I WOULD, however, absolutely bring it up in your IC in order to give your counselor a better opportunity to help you pinpoint the REASONS BEHIND your engaging in the EA and help you overcome them now and in the future.

 

Fact: Some people, men and women alike, simply do not have the capacity to forgive and move on once such a betrayal has been revealed to them. My husband is one of those people. From what you've shared of your husband's attitudes and mindsets, he may be this way as well. You know him best so only you can answer that.

 

If your true desire is to make this work with your husband then you need to honestly assess whether such a revelation is truly constructive or whether it will just cause more hurt than anything else. I personally believe it's counterproductive and will cause more harm than good. You took your medicine and put it behind you. As long as it's behind you, why bring it up?

 

Here's what I think: You made the mistake, you get to live with the consequences. You know what's true in your own heart and you have to face yourself in the mirror each day and that's enough punishment in itself, IMO. I don't think you should get the 'luxury' of unburdening yourself of your past wrongs.....you get to be a big girl and live with it, right? Right. ; )

 

I think it's far more constructive to face the things within your own self that are lacking and learn to give yourself some of the things you feel you are not getting from your husband. There may be some needs you have that he is not capable of meeting. Ever. Work on what needs to change with you. You are in IC so this is a perfect time to pursue this avenue and learn and grow, which, being as I'm in the same boat as you, I feel pretty confident you have already learned quite a bit about yourself and grown as a result.

 

If you've truly let the EA go, then treat it as a mistake...one you have to live with....and use it to make yourself and your marriage stronger. There is a lot of good that can come out of this, IMO&E.

 

As for MC....I think your husband's attitude is very telling and that's too bad. You are doing the right things....work with the counselor and see if that brings resolution to some of your marital issues. It may not, but at least you will know you gave it your best shot.

 

You'll be okay......promise. xoxo

 

You're awesome! Thanks so much for this post....so true in everything you said....

 

I posted it on here, but I think it got missed. Hubby is ready to divorce now. He doesn't want to even try MC. He said he was doing it only for our son's sake anyway and that he has no feelings left for me. I'm sticking to IC, for sure, though. I'll need it!

 

 

Thanks again!! To everyone!

[Owl]

Surf-

 

You're absolutely right. There are indeed people that cannot forgive being cheated on. Understandably.

 

That doesn't change their right to know the truth of what's gone on in their marriage.

 

The truth is, they still deserve to know the truth so that they can actually make an informed decision to continue the marriage or end it.

 

The odds that DG...or ANY wayward spouse...can "fix the problem" without their spouses help are ludicrously low. If that could have happened, they would have done so BEFORE they had an affair.

 

And in reality, you'll find that the MAJORITY of betrayed spouses surprisingly decide to work on the marriage. The odds are that they'll want to help resolve the problem.

 

Apparently, DG's H made the other choice. But here's the other part...he's also currently on the emotional rollercoaster ride from heck. One moment, he'll hate her and want the D. The next, he'll want to fight tooth and nail to save what he's had.

 

If she were to make the effort to work through things, his attitude might change.

 

You've vehemently disagreed with my advice. I vehemently disagree with yours.

 

Guess we'll have to agree to disagree.

[NuTuDating]

This sounds like my marriage (only we didn't have children). She never wanted physical intamacy, didn't enjoy doing things with me, etc. I tried to get her to go with me to counseling, but she refused. She cheated on me and then we divorced.

 

If you want to save the marriage, try counseling. Both of you have to go, though, because if you need physical intamacy and attention (which are qualities of a healthy marriage) then he needs to go to counseling, too.

 

If not, and you think that it's a lost cause, divorce him and move on. Affairs while you're with someone just cause too much pain. If you really feel that you want to move on and find someone else, leave him before you become involved with someone else.

 

But I would suggest counseling first, since it sounds like you'd like to save the marriage.