justaman99 Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 (edited) We broke up only a couple weeks ago. I couldn't say that I love her yet and this upset her very much. We have been together for 5 months but I stlll wasn't quite there yet. We also hadn't had a lot of time for us a couple weeks prior to this as she was adapting to a whole barage of new things in her life as well as a family member passing away. That was ok with me. I was there for her and stood by her as she adjusted to everything. She decided to break it off regardless. I don't think there's anyone else but I could be wrong. The way she cried and hurt when I said I didn't love her and was still learning and growing with her maybe was too much for her. I needed some new stuff for awhile now. I also had a dinner tonight so wanted something nice and new. She texts me about the time when we're supposed to meet up to give each other back some things we left at each other's places. I called her to tell her that tomorrow was fine but then we talk for at least 30 minutes. She had her soft sweet loving voice on. I know her pretty well. She jumps online to try and help me find the stores I need to check out and then starts looking at shoes and other things that she considered "cute". She then really helped me think about what to buy, where to go, and how much to spend. She later sent me an email with a bunch of links and her opinion on each item. The was odd to me. She doesn't want to be with me and has "realized our differences" but now shows me all the attention and interest we always had. Why does a woman do this? I don't want to get hopeful. I can't do that to myself right now and continue to be hurt. -justaman Edited February 24, 2008 by justaman99
sedgwick Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 Wait...you told her you don't love her and now you're wondering if she wants to be with you because she sent you links to clothes? Sounds like she wanted to be with you all along!
eagle5 Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 You say you are hurting but you didn't love her, do you think you just miss being with someone and are afraid of being alone? I agree with sedg that she always wanted to be with you but probably broke it off to save herself hurting.
LostCat Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 I'm a little confused myself right now so haven't given out much advice since I joined, but I have to agree. No one can say for certain how anything will turn out, but she probably broke up with you partly to show how hurt she was, and perhaps also because she was surprised by the difference in your feelings. It can be difficult to realise that the person you're in love with hasn't quite got there yet. By the way, I think you did absolutely the right thing being honest and not telling her you loved her if you weren't sure. No relationship can be happy unless it's based on truth.
SeraBella Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 Well, how did you say you don't love her? Hearing that definitely hurts, but you could have (and still could) say it in a way that shows you really care for her just don't feel love yet. Do you think you will never love her? There's ways to do it tactfully and still remain in a relationship. It sounds like she wants to be with you still, but she doesn't want to be in a relationship that seems to be going no where. If you want to be with her, explain yourself.
Author justaman99 Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 Thank you for the replies. i'll try and offer some more information. She asked me repeatedly how I felt. I would explain how much I cared about her and how am happy about where we are. She is extremely busy so we don't have a lot of time for us, which is unfortunate, but is understandable and I accept it. She kept probing, probing for the l word and I just didn't want to say it. I want that day to be perfect and special. I want it to be real. I don't want it drawn out of me artificially. She said I should be there by now or it's just a waste of time. I didn't understand this. How could she put a time line on my feelings for her? My actions speak so much louder than words. I would do everything for her and I guess it just wasn't enough. I told her I don't love her yet, and I care a lot for you and want to continue to grow with her and get there organically. Of course I can love her someday, truly love her but I need more time with her. I need to understand more and spend more time together. At least that is what I need but I guess it's not enough?
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 The was odd to me. She doesn't want to be with me and has "realized our differences" but now shows me all the attention and interest we always had. Why does a woman do this? She doesn't want to break up. She's bluffing, more or less. She "broke up" with you, but is still dangling herself just out of your reach in order to get her way. My guess is she will continue to taunt you with hints that you are broken up - sort of a "see what you are missing" sort of game. If that doesn't work, she will manufacture a situation in which she will bring an unwitting guy into the picture and set him up as a rival to you in order to manipulate you into getting what she wants.
Author justaman99 Posted February 26, 2008 Author Posted February 26, 2008 Today I went to visit her to swap some last remaining things we had of each others. And I was very upfront with her about how I felt and where I was and where I need to be. We talked for about a half an hour and she made her stance that I didn't love her and that I was confused. My head is more clear now than ever before and I projected that as well as I could. I do think she has another guy already. She did mention in her past that she always needs someone and knowing she is alone now that she is on the hunt for someone to fill the void. That's ok with me however. I just want her to treat the guy well and not do some of the things she did to me that hurt me. She had a few fits of anger that really shocked me when i made a couple mistakes or did something she didn't like or even when I agreed with her! She was difficult to deal with in that regard but I still cared for her as we are all human and we make mistakes. This site is great and will allow me to go on eventually. I guess you call it NC? and that is what I will do and I can now focus on myself internally and externally. Let the road pave its way in front of me and I will follow it wherever it may lead. -justaman99
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