Jump to content

Fear of Loneliness, Love, Settling and Whatever Else

Ocean-Blue

By Ocean-Blue
in General Relationship Discussion

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Ocean-Blue Established Member

Ocean-Blue

Posted
Posted

And here I am again. Pondering the thing that is THE RELATIONSHIP.

 

Do some of you wonder if you are with your current partner because you fear the unknown? Have you ever been rudely interrupted, while happily conversing with your SO, by the thought that perhaps...just maybe, you are settling?

 

How do you know when you are ready to marry someone? How do you know they are good for you?

 

And what if, for various reasons, you have a timeline (either self imposed or otherwise)... Must find someone. Must get married. Must build a life...

 

Gah.

 

Is this search for a compatible mate (in every sense) a futile one? Are we just supposed to find someone who we like and then settle? How the hell do you silence those many voices that tell you to run? And how do you deal with emotions that range from unadulterated, passionate love to indifference and apathy?

 

How?

Tony T Established Member

Tony T

Posted
Posted (edited)

1. How do you know when you are ready to marry someone?

 

Sometimes you do and sometimes you don't. But usually it's unmistakable when you have found someone you are very fond of and very comfortable with and you don't ever tire of them. Someone you look forward to seeing and hearing from. Someone you just want to be around as much as possible even if you're only in the same house, not in the same room. Someone you miss when they are away.

 

2. How do you know they are good for you?

 

If they make you feel good, important to them, make you feel a part of their lives, make you feel they cannot live without you, make you feel comfortable and at ease, are there when you need them, someone who will listen. When you find the right person you WILL NOT have to ask this question.

 

3. And what if, for various reasons, you have a timeline (either self imposed or otherwise)... Must find someone. Must get married. Must build a life...

 

This is not good. You cannot put a deadline on yourself or you will surely end up with the wrong person. Never try to force yourself to care for someone. If it's not there, it's not there. No timelines, please!

 

4. Is this search for a compatible mate (in every sense) a futile one?

 

Not futile but difficult. Don't look for perfection, there is none out there. Look for someone who makes you feel as stated above. Learn to love them for who they are, imperfections and all. They might not like to do some of the things you like and vice versa. Compromise. Of course, there may be some things you are not willing to compromise on and that's good.

 

5. Are we just supposed to find someone who we like and then settle?

 

We aren't supposed to do anything at all. We don't have to get married if we don't want to. It's not mandatory. Don't even look...let the person find you. Don't settle, either. Surely if you get out there you will find a person that is very right for you. Be patient. Sometimes it takes a long time. Have fun in the meantime. There is no rush at all. Chill.

 

6. How the hell do you silence those many voices that tell you to run?

 

Listen to those voices and ask them for reasons. If the reasons are sound and rational, then by all means run. But if there is no reason to, then don't. When you find the right person you will have no desire whatsoever to run and neither will they. That's the great thing about love.

 

7. And how do you deal with emotions that range from unadulterated, passionate love to indifference and apathy?

 

That's the nature of emotions. Even with the right partner you will feel all of those sometimes. That's just being human. DON'T EXPECT to be on cloud nine 24/7. That's a terrible burden to put on another human. And you don't want that burden on you either. Just enjoy the other person and give each other space to be yourselves as well. Find a person you can be very honest with and on days you feel indifferent towards them, do your own thing. The right person will understand and won't be sensitive to this.

 

And one day you will meet the absolute, right person for you and life will become magic if you let it, if you're head and your heart will be open to it. Somehow, I'd like to think there are forces in the universe that don't let us resist and reject when things are going right for us. There is actually magic in every moment of everyday and if you learn to enjoy it, you actually gain joy in just sitting and thinking about what you have written here. But there will come a day when you will actually wonder why you wrote it because everything will suddenly come into focus for you. There will no longer be a reason for you to have been puzzled by the questions you have asked here. Isn't that great!

 

In all things, remember you are human...you are not a computer. Your feelings will change from time to time. Go with the flow and relax. By your questions you sound very uptight about life. Life flows so much better when you just don't give a shxt!

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
  • Author
Ocean-Blue Established Member

Ocean-Blue

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thanks for the thoughtful post Tony!

 

I understand what you mean by going with the flow and relaxing. But, it is immensely difficult at times (precisely b/c of the pressures that one exerts on oneself, combined with external pressure).

 

And this whole settling thing... I mean, really, at what point do you stop and say, "yeah Ok, you're it." Isn't that a kind of settling? If the perfect mate doesn't exist, don't we all just settle?

Tony T Established Member

Tony T

Posted
Posted
Thanks for the thoughtful post Tony!

 

I understand what you mean by going with the flow and relaxing. But, it is immensely difficult at times (precisely b/c of the pressures that one exerts on oneself, combined with external pressure).

 

And this whole settling thing... I mean, really, at what point do you stop and say, "yeah Ok, you're it." Isn't that a kind of settling? If the perfect mate doesn't exist, don't we all just settle?

 

A lot of people do settle but they don't have to. Loving someone else requires a deep understanding of love. If you'd like to start to understand it, read here: http://leb.net/~mira/works/prophet/prophet2.html Then for some verse on marriage, read here: http://leb.net/~mira/works/prophet/prophet3.html

 

The above verses come from a book called The Prophet and if you want to read about all the subjects, go to the mail link page: http://leb.net/~mira/works/prophet/prophet.html

 

Once you have transcended all the pettiness and garbage you've learned from the media and are truly able to get into the mind and soul of a person you want to love, you will have the greatest experience on earth. I don't think a lot of people take the time to do that. Yes, you must do it with the right person...but if you simply open yourself up to having that person come into your life, it will happen.

 

Most people don't find love...or the right person...simply because they are afraid or closed to it. Some simply don't believe it when it happens and discount it.

 

Some people who settle actually grow to truly love the person. I think most others grow to resent the situation. That's why it's kind of dangerous to just settle. Better to be alone and wait for true love...in my opinion.

 

Loosen up and open your heart. Love is out there and it will happen to you!

  • Author
Ocean-Blue Established Member

Ocean-Blue

Posted
  • Author
Posted
A lot of people do settle but they don't have to. Loving someone else requires a deep understanding of love. If you'd like to start to understand it, read here: http://leb.net/~mira/works/prophet/prophet2.html Then for some verse on marriage, read here: http://leb.net/~mira/works/prophet/prophet3.html

 

The above verses come from a book called The Prophet and if you want to read about all the subjects, go to the mail link page: http://leb.net/~mira/works/prophet/prophet.html

 

Once you have transcended all the pettiness and garbage you've learned from the media and are truly able to get into the mind and soul of a person you want to love, you will have the greatest experience on earth. I don't think a lot of people take the time to do that. Yes, you must do it with the right person...but if you simply open yourself up to having that person come into your life, it will happen.

 

Most people don't find love...or the right person...simply because they are afraid or closed to it. Some simply don't believe it when it happens and discount it.

 

Some people who settle actually grow to truly love the person. I think most others grow to resent the situation. That's why it's kind of dangerous to just settle. Better to be alone and wait for true love...in my opinion.

 

Loosen up and open your heart. Love is out there and it will happen to you!

 

A very interesting read.

 

And interesting post, Tony!

 

You are probably right in that I am currently too entangled in my web to see straight. I have my ideas of love and devotion. Some of it has been created by unrealistic expectations I've developed over the years. However, some of my "wants" or "musts" are not unreasonable.

 

I do need to loosen up. But it's oh so hard when you have glaring doubts mixed with moments of rapture.

 

If only I had a crystal ball.

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...