lambda Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 true, if not scared then may be insecure Hmm. I wonder if this could explain my troubles with the women i am trying to pursue. I am good-looking but i don't see myself as hot because there are always hotter guys around. Thing is that I tend to focus on my negative sides (i'm shy with the girls i like). So I have noe idea how women see me (if they think that i'm hot or not). Only thing i know is that I've heard a few times that i'm good-looking and women tend to flirt with me, but I'm always too passive or i realize that they were hitting on me too late. I feel like women are having troubles with being comfortable with me, and I usually tend to blame myself. What can i do about it?
carhill Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 No, some of us aren't scared of dating good-looking men. We're cautious about character. Correct, and character and appearance-based attractiveness can never be reconciled or stereotyped. It has been fun watching the process though. I'm tempted to post my long-extant internet avatar and have people speculate my character based on my appearance. Personally, I sense women by their "3rd dimension" which has nothing to do with physicality. Earlier in life I didn't trust my instincts, but, since I've given myself completely over to them, I've never been surprised. IMO, propensity for infidelity resides entirely within the balance of ego and morals. Depending on nature (genetically wired ego) and nurture (socialization), there can be a wide range of results. I could not even begin to speculate on how to bring any cogency to them.
Goodin Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 Personally, I don't think looks have anything to do with rather or not a guy would cheat; it is a matter of morals and character and that has nothing to do with looks. I guess I am a fairly attractive guy and I have women hit on me often when I am in relationships and I have never in my life cheated on anyone. I decided a long time ago that cheating was moraly wrong and I would never do it and I have stuck true to the word to myself. So I wouldnt get too caught up in the looks part when it comes to cheating. There are people who cheat and people who dont cheat. Just get to know the guy and decide if you think he would be faithful or not, build trust, and don't worry about it! Worrying about rather your man is going to cheat on you all the time is no way to have a healthy relationship.
sb129 Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 So what is the best chance for a woman to not get played? Date an ugly guy? (yes, he can still get hookers but at least he won't have constant offers from women). I think the best chance is to find someone who you find a small amount of physical attraction to, and is a good person and treats you well. Looks are superficial- and if you like someone as a person, you will often find yourself finding them more attractive. Yamaha puts it well here: I think either way is a losing situation. Why not date a guy who you have an attraction to but you also like him as a person. Surely there are guys out there who may not be drop dead gorgeous but they are attractive to you and they also have character. If your looking for a long term relationship these are the guys I would concentrate on but if your just looking for some fun them you might as well go for the guys who do it for you, sexually. I have some friends who have such low self-esteem that they recommend dating guys who are not attractive but also can't support themselves financially so that way they would theoretically be less likely to cheat, especially since they wouldn't have respectable jobs such as being a professor or executive etc. I have a friend who actually wanted to support an unemployed guy because of this but the thing is that he could end up cheating too.. Didn't YOU do this Cutegirl? Wasn't your ex unemployed and not that attractive, I think I remember you describing him that way and that you were glad he was less successful and not as good looking as you because he was less likely to cheat. No, some of us aren't scared of dating good-looking men. We're cautious about character. Absolutely. Every person is their own individual and has their own definitions of handsome, beautiful and pretty. A person who might be considered pretty by one person might not be viewed in the same light by another person. I believe as human beings mature it becomes less about appearance and more about character; of course not everyone is inclined to share this view. I do. I have no idea whether other women find my man attractive or not- to ME he is the handsomest man in the world because I love everything about him, and he feels the same way about me.
ibitealil Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 Hmm. I wonder if this could explain my troubles with the women i am trying to pursue. I am good-looking but i don't see myself as hot because there are always hotter guys around. Thing is that I tend to focus on my negative sides (i'm shy with the girls i like). So I have noe idea how women see me (if they think that i'm hot or not). Only thing i know is that I've heard a few times that i'm good-looking and women tend to flirt with me, but I'm always too passive or i realize that they were hitting on me too late. I feel like women are having troubles with being comfortable with me, and I usually tend to blame myself. What can i do about it? Girls think that good looking guys have no trouble of getting girls and think that they are always so confident...thats why if u r being passive they either assume that u r in a relationship or gay :-) most girls are shy with the guys they like too and they think that its inappropriate for girls to make a 1st move...so next time u see a girl u like just go and talk to her and try to be simple...show that u r interested in her...and show just a little bit of ur weak side...good looking and shy? hmmmm interesting :-D :-D :-D
Arch Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 I have to side with Arch on this one. I've "lost" women to "hotter" guys in the past, and more often than not, the new guy really screwed her over good. Just a hint, ladies. When you ditch us "non-hot" guys for "Mr. Perfect", and he hurts you, WE LOVE IT. We dance, sing, hoot, and holler, knowing you'll race right back to us, because you KNOW where the GOOD love is.... And guess what, just like the last time this happened to me, I didn't exactly wait around... So now you have a semi-attractive guy like me with a new woman, and my good-looking ex with tears running down her cheeks because she's been used and now has no one. So yes, when the guy you dump us for hurts you, we're cheering for HIM. Because he got his, I'm now getting mine, and most of all... YOU GOT YOURS. Not to sound like an ass, but come on ladies, you DO ask for it when this happens -TP vengeful (with a touch of fun) lol, so true.
Catwomannn Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 One of my friends was married to a guy that looked like the banjo playing geek from the movie "Deliverance" (Ugly as sin in other words) and he cheated on her all the time... I guess looks have nothing to do with it
monkey00 Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 I think based on stereotypes it's probably easier off for everyone to write off a potential mate because of the assumption they have many choices. But in this instance to each their own, if you're too insecure to date someone you think is better looking than you then you're obviously already having doubts. If you wind up having doubts from the start of a relationship then it's already bound to be doomed. For good looking people in general I think they're allowed to be more picky than their less attractive counterparts. If a guy or girl is going to be in a relationship they're obviously going to choose the person who's relationship material (not getting laid material). If a person is picky it doesn't necessarily mean they'll upgrade or cheat on you either. Everyone on this planet has the potential to cheat and be cheated on. Though I think it's just too easy to make excuses and run away from your fears - rather than facing it or disproving it. I know lots of good-looking men and women who are perfectly monogamous material, who don't sleep around, who are looking for the right person for a relationship, and they too have insecurities just like any average person.
lambda Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 Girls think that good looking guys have no trouble of getting girls and think that they are always so confident...thats why if u r being passive they either assume that u r in a relationship or gay :-) most girls are shy with the guys they like too and they think that its inappropriate for girls to make a 1st move...so next time u see a girl u like just go and talk to her and try to be simple...show that u r interested in her...and show just a little bit of ur weak side...good looking and shy? hmmmm interesting :-D :-D :-D Well, despite being shy I build up the courage to make the first move with girls I have found to be interesting (often the shy ones), but when I come to the point of asking them out they are not interested or taken or whatever. I wonder if they see me as a player. I try to hide my shyness when around the girl, by being in a good mood and showing interest, but sometimes it slips though. More than once it has happened that i asked some girl out, she said no, but whenever I saw her at some bar or club afterwards she would stare and smile at me. This has happened even years after i asked the girl out, and i have no idea what she wants... This has happened with a few different girls.
norajane Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 I don't think looks has anything to do with it. I think attention whore kind of guys (and girls) are more likely to cheat. Whether that comes from insecurity and the need for constant validation, or whether it comes from arrogance and narcissism, the attention whore is the one to stay away from.
Jilly Bean Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 One of my friends was married to a guy that looked like the banjo playing geek from the movie "Deliverance" (Ugly as sin in other words) and he cheated on her all the time... I guess looks have nothing to do with it That's funny. SQUEAL LIKE A PIG! I dont think a guys looks have anything to do with his cheat quotient being higher. Plenty of ugly men cheat, and plenty of hot men are faithful. Opportunity + Great Looks does not sum up a mans character, nor his capacity for cheating.
ibitealil Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 Well, despite being shy I build up the courage to make the first move with girls I have found to be interesting (often the shy ones), but when I come to the point of asking them out they are not interested or taken or whatever. I wonder if they see me as a player. I try to hide my shyness when around the girl, by being in a good mood and showing interest, but sometimes it slips though. More than once it has happened that i asked some girl out, she said no, but whenever I saw her at some bar or club afterwards she would stare and smile at me. This has happened even years after i asked the girl out, and i have no idea what she wants... This has happened with a few different girls. :)looks may matter for 1st impressions only but since girls are not visual creatures compared to men its really hard to tell what went wrong
monkey00 Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 I don't think looks has anything to do with it. I think attention whore kind of guys (and girls) are more likely to cheat. Whether that comes from insecurity and the need for constant validation, or whether it comes from arrogance and narcissism, the attention whore is the one to stay away from. Exactly norajane...I've noticed that quite often.
Author cutegirl Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 Hmm. I wonder if this could explain my troubles with the women i am trying to pursue. I am good-looking but i don't see myself as hot because there are always hotter guys around. Thing is that I tend to focus on my negative sides (i'm shy with the girls i like). So I have noe idea how women see me (if they think that i'm hot or not). Only thing i know is that I've heard a few times that i'm good-looking and women tend to flirt with me, but I'm always too passive or i realize that they were hitting on me too late. I feel like women are having troubles with being comfortable with me, and I usually tend to blame myself. What can i do about it? I don't know but I know that really good looking guys that I'm attracted to scare the living bejeezus out of me. I can't be around them or hold their gaze or make conversation, it makes me feel like I'm going to die. So I just sit there and look uncomfortable. I have no problem talking to guys I'm not attracted to though. I'm afraid of the good looking ones. I don't know what you can do about it. You can't help it if you are good looking. What can you do?
Author cutegirl Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 I think the best chance is to find someone who you find a small amount of physical attraction to, and is a good person and treats you well. Looks are superficial- and if you like someone as a person, you will often find yourself finding them more attractive. Yamaha puts it well here: Didn't YOU do this Cutegirl? Wasn't your ex unemployed and not that attractive, I think I remember you describing him that way and that you were glad he was less successful and not as good looking as you because he was less likely to cheat. Yea, but what happened is that I met someone is extremely good looking but also seems to be extremely mature and have a good character etc, he just happens to be good looking, I didn't like him because of that... but even so my friend told me not to go for him because she says too many females flock to him and that it will be hard to keep a guy like that. He told me though that he doesn't care about looks as much in a woman but more about the quality of a person. He seems to be a lot more stable and mature than my ex. I DID do as you described, my ex was like how you described and I still found girls numbers etc. I think my ex was not unattractive, he's actually decent/good-looking, except he was a mental basketcase; he was 28 and couldn't pay his own cell/credit card bills, lived with me and never paid rent, couldn't hold a job, was schizophrenic, mooched off of me constantly (begging for money) etc. He basically couldn't even take care of himself. BUT I do have a female friend who is similar to me and she was going to support her ex too. We both have similar (negative) outlook on men and I guess that's why we stick together, but she is also always telling me not to go for good looking guys etc because it's too hard to keep a guy like that down. She says all it takes is one fight between a guy like that and his gf and he will be tempted because he gets too much attention from aggressive women who want him.
Author cutegirl Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 My advice: date the ugliest guy you can find.. he won't cheat cause he probably won't stand a chance... plus he'll have you, so NO need to cheat.. or go for hookers.. right? Good looking guys, are most likely to cheat.. sorry but that's reality... When you think that MOST men cheat, plain 'Joe's' and amazing guys will definitely be the first ones to cheat IMO. Even the plain-plain-plain Joe's will really think hard about it if a nice woman hit on them... they'll get obsessed with her.. this theory can also be verified.. Unattractive guys I can still cheat though, if they crave sexual variety they can always get a hooker. It doesn't matter if they have a decent gf, if they crave something new they can still pay for it. They are still men after all, if they don't get attention from women they can always pay for it. I don't think them being unattractive lessens their chances of paying for it. They can still cheat! I think all guys have the urge to cheat, it's just that unattractive guys do not get approached as often or at all, but they will have to initiate the cheating themselves (pay for it) etc. Plus others have been saying that an unattractive guy might be more receptive to flirting by a hottie. Even though someone is unattractive, who knows, perhaps some rare hottie would like that, perhaps she could be attracted to his unattractiveness, who knows, people do have different taste.
monkey00 Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 You'd be surprised, there are a lot of good looking shy people out there. If what you want is stability and monogamy I think the shy guy would probably work out. But if you're too intimidated by his looks and he's too shy to talk to you..well a no-win situation
mental_traveller Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 This is true, but imagine this scenario. A good looking guys has 10 women chase him and some of these women are AGGRESSIVE and SLUTTY and all over him and would do anything to get him etc. Don't you think he would have MUCH more temptations vs an ugly guy that no one comes up to? A guy that constantly has women approaching and flirting with him has more temptation, and some women these days are aggressive. Like really aggressive and would have sex right away if he wanted to etc No - a good-looking guy will already have had sex with dozens or hundreds of women (depending on age), so if he's with you it's because he likes you, and why ruin that for one more shag with one more woman when he has had plenty? Whereas an ugly guy will have got little sex, he'll be more flattered by the attention and won't be able to believe his luck, so he'll be much more tempted. In any case, women don't really approach men, even hot men. Men have to do the approaching.
mental_traveller Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 If you date an unattractive guy you don't have to deal with other women wanting your guy. And if you drive a $50 beater, you won't care if it gets stolen. But would you really prefer that if someone offered you a Ferrari?
mental_traveller Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 (edited) . I don't think most guys are capable of turning down women if they get offers etc from someone attractive who wants to have fun. It's easy to turn down offers. Also you don't have to look like David Beckham to get interest. If you are happy with your gf - you find her sexy and attractive, get on well, she doesn't nag you and she is good in between the sheets - then why on earth would you want to accept an offer from someone less attractive, who probably nags and whines like 90% of women, who you don't have any common interests in, and who probably is no good in bed? Guys with Porsches parked in their garage don't go out and trade them in for Fords just because there's a special offer on that week. There's also the issue of STDs and pregnancy risk. And this is just assuming the guy is selfish and has no morals - there are loads of selfish reasons not to cheat. If he has any character, he won't cheat because it's wrong too, so it's even less likely. IMO 95% of cheating guys aren't happy with their woman - usually the sex sucks, or she is nagging and whining at him, or they just have little in common. Guys who are happy with their girl generally know they are lucky (they hear all their friends whining about women, and realise their gf is actually really good in comparison), so unless they are stupid and immoral, they won't cheat. So if you are worried about cheating, just attend to the main things in your relationship. That will protect you much better than going for an ugly boring guy you don't really feel anything for. Because if you neglect Mr Ugly, even he is gonna go and cheat. He will just cheat with another ugly chick instead of a supermodel. Edited February 25, 2008 by mental_traveller
Author cutegirl Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 (edited) In any case, women don't really approach men, even hot men. Men have to do the approaching. No, the women I know are slutty and not only approach the guy but are all over him, try to sleep with him, grab him, sit on his lap, invite themselves over for the night, etc. They are aggressive. If they thought he would go for it they would probably strip naked and offer themselves to him (some of the women). Women are AGGRESSIVE these days and COMPETITIVE. There is one woman who constantly offers to leave her significant other for him even though he doesn't lead her on at all. There was another who would not leave his house but insists she sleep over and he had to kick her out, she REFUSED to leave and just laid there and refused to go home after everyone else did, he had to tell her 10x to please leave and then she was offended because he didn't want sex with her. A lot of women are forward these days, especially younger women in their mid 20's etc, they are aggressive as hell. Especially when ALL the women want the guy, it makes him more desirable so they all like to compete for him. Edited February 25, 2008 by cutegirl
Author cutegirl Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 then why on earth would you want to accept an offer from someone less attractive, who probably nags and whines like 90% of women, who you don't have any common interests in, and who probably is no good in bed? Guys with Porsches parked in their garage don't go out and trade them in for Fords just because there's a special offer on that week. IMO 95% of cheating guys aren't happy with their woman - usually the sex sucks, or she is nagging and whining at him, or they just have little in common. Guys who are happy with their girl generally know they are lucky (they hear all their friends whining about women, and realise their gf is actually really good in comparison), so unless they are stupid and immoral, they won't cheat. Some of these other women might not be Ford's, a lot are extremely good looking and might even be better looking than the guys gf. I think cheating guys cheat just because they have that option available, because they just can do it, easy as that. Not necessarily because they are unhappy. I don't believe guys need a reason such as being unhappy or neglected in order to cheat. I think a lot will cheat because they want variety or just because they feel like it or just because the opportunity is there. Simple as that. They cheat because they CAN.
sb129 Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 Yea, but what happened is that I met someone is extremely good looking but also seems to be extremely mature and have a good character etc, he just happens to be good looking, I didn't like him because of that... but even so my friend told me not to go for him because she says too many females flock to him and that it will be hard to keep a guy like that. He told me though that he doesn't care about looks as much in a woman but more about the quality of a person. He seems to be a lot more stable and mature than my ex. If he is as you say, and if he does deal with all the aggressive women as you say he does (ie tells them to go away, and doesn't take them up on their offers) then he is clearly not interested in these women. From what you describe below, he has opportunities, but doesn't ever take them. It sounds like he finds them more of a pain than flattering. There is one woman who constantly offers to leave her significant other for him even though he doesn't lead her on at all. There was another who would not leave his house but insists she sleep over and he had to kick her out, she REFUSED to leave and just laid there and refused to go home after everyone else did, he had to tell her 10x to please leave and then she was offended because he didn't want sex with her. . BUT I do have a female friend who is similar to me and she was going to support her ex too. We both have similar (negative) outlook on men and I guess that's why we stick together, but she is also always telling me not to go for good looking guys etc because it's too hard to keep a guy like that down. She says all it takes is one fight between a guy like that and his gf and he will be tempted because he gets too much attention from aggressive women who want him. Ever considered that your friend might not know everything about men? Or that her negative outlook might just perpetuate yours? There is probably a degree of competitiveness between you too, even if its not that obvious- she might be telling you not to go for good looking men because she is JEALOUS, or she doesn't want you to have one. Her comments are quite insulting to the guy in question. She doesn't know everything. I wouldn't take her word as the absolute truth Cutegirl- why don't you learn some of these things for yourself? I know you are terrified of getting hurt, but if you don't take risks you risk never being happy either.
carhill Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 Not a girl here, but my obvious thought is, if I were, if I met a guy whom I found to be "extremely good looking but also seems to be extremely mature and have a good character", and he was interested in me too, I wouldn't be pondering the philosophies of dating good looking men. I'd just treat it like any other situation where there was mutual interest. See what happens. Don't project. Heck, I wouldn't mind having him for a male friend. Lots of scenery
Leia Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 I wouldn't take her word as the absolute truth Cutegirl- why don't you learn some of these things for yourself? I know you are terrified of getting hurt, but if you don't take risks you risk never being happy either. It's all about taking risks! If I still think the way I did few months back... I wouldn't be as happy now. I went out of my way to say no to guys cos I didn't want to get hurt but heck... if I continued with that.... I'd be single for life... not to mention lonely... with no sex..... no fun....
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