Ashbash Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 First off, I want to introduce myself...I am new to this board and my name is Ashley! I'm going through some relationship problems at the moment and I could really use some advice..So thanks in advance if you reply to this and take the time to read it. So my boyfriend and I have been dating on and off for two years. We've been through a lot, but we have learned from it all. Well he broke up with my last November because our relationship was just going downhill. It was a horrible experience and we were both miserable the whole time. We finally reached a point where we talked and realized that things should have been handled differently. Anyways, through a lot of talking, decision making, and time apart, we decided to get back in a relationship at the beginning of this month. However, we both knew that things could not be the exact same and it was going to be harder. We used to spend a lot of time together and we both lost control of our lives. For one, he is in college and I'm in high school. I'm almost 18 and he's almost 20. His college is only thirty minutes away, but it is very hard to find time to spend together. He told me before we got back together that he wouldn't have much time, maybe once or twice a week if that, and I agreed, but I didn't realize how hard it was going to be. He knew that I wouldn't really be able to handle only seeing him that much, but we both were so excited to get back together and were just caught in the moment. Our relationship was going great, until this past week when it really hit us that finding time is just not easy. Yes, we can make time, but our lives are so different and our schedules don't match at all. However, that is not the only issue. I mean I love him with my whole heart and I'm willing to sacrifice not seeing him like I used to, but I feel like I'm losing him since I don't see him. I used to be dependent on him, because I grew up without a dad and he has been my only boyfriend. But now I've started to drift from him...like I know I can't depend on him like I want to, so I'm just slowly letting go. Since we have been back together, he has done everything to fix all his mistakes and he is just amazing. He calls and texts me everyday, he does all he can, we don't fight at all like we used to, and he is much more understanding. He is giving it all he has and sometimes I feel like it will never be enough, and that's not his fault. However, I don't want to lose him. He is everything I want in a guy and he makes me so happy. But there is another problem...so last night we were going to a party, and we were talking about our issues a little bit before because we had been putting it off since we hadn't seen each other. Well he said something like "If we hadn't had sex the other day, I don't think we would still be together" He kind of meant it as a joke, but I know it wasn't. I instantly became upset because I agree with what he said. We were both virgins when we met and we've only had sex about 6 times. Now I do feel like when we have problems, we will just have sex and things do seem better, but we don't talk about it after that. That's just recently though. Now I'm starting to believe that without sex, our relationship would be nothing...I mean we talk all the time and we enjoy each others company, but since we don't see each other that much now, we don't have time to be as close as we are when we have sex. Before we left the car, I said "I don't want to stop having sex because that's the only way I feel close to you." I felt horrible after I said that, but it's true. He didn't say a word and we went inside and the whole night was just horrible. We both put on a act so no one would know, but I was dying on the inside. He told me we should stop having sex and I completely agree, but then also I feel like our relationship will just crumble right away. I feel like I'm being selfish for saying that, but I want to be close to him like we used to be. But when we were so close we hadn't even had sex then, so we can do without it. I don't want sex to be the main focus of our relationship, we both are still so young and I don't want to be pregnant anytime soon. Also, he told me that he feels like I'm losing interest and I'm truly not, but I just don't depend on him like I used to because I know he can't give me all I need right now. He said that the past five times he has called me, I hung up first, and believe me, over the two years, I never hung up first, I would always beg him to stay or stall for him to stay. I couldn't believe he noticed either, because I didn't. He always calls me first now and it used to be the other way around. My boyfriend was devastated last night, and it's usually very hard for him to show his feelings. I know this is really hard on him, it is me too, and we don't want to lose each other at all. I don't want to break up since we did just get back together, but maybe I should have thought about it more before we got back together. I don't want to hurt him, I know he loves me, we have our differences, but through it all he has always been there. I just feel like I need him all or I just won't be happy. I'm just stuck and not sure where to go from here...I've been miserable all day and I don't want to keep going through this, I know we could make it work, but I'm just not sure if I would be happy in the long run. If anyone has been in a similar situation or has any advice, I would appreciate it so much. Sorry it was so long.
Author Ashbash Posted February 24, 2008 Author Posted February 24, 2008 Can anyone help or offer advice? I can't get any sleep...
jc Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 I'm sorry you're going through this hard time with your boyfriend. I think that you need to follow your intuition right now though and really consider ending this relationship. I say this because: 1) You've said yourself that you're not sure that you could be happy in the long run with him. 2) You say you depend on him a lot. It's scary (believe me, I know), but if you had to just depend on yourself, at least for a bit, you would probably become stronger in this aspect and then wouldn't bring this need to be dependent into future relationships. 3) You're so young! You should give yourself a chance to be on your own for a while, date, figure out what you really want. I am only in my late 20s now, but I am a very different person from who I was 10 years ago. I had to figure out who I was on my own, what I wanted to do with my life, etc. And when you are still dating your high school sweetheart, it's often difficult not to draw apart as you start to go in different directions. It sounds to me as though you are both starting to experience this. You are going in two different directions already. Our instinct is often to hang on for dear life when something we are attached to may part from us. But it often doesn't change the outcome, it just makes the process of letting go so much more difficult. Just my two cents of course, I hope you feel better:o
Author Ashbash Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 I'm sorry you're going through this hard time with your boyfriend. I think that you need to follow your intuition right now though and really consider ending this relationship. I say this because: 1) You've said yourself that you're not sure that you could be happy in the long run with him. 2) You say you depend on him a lot. It's scary (believe me, I know), but if you had to just depend on yourself, at least for a bit, you would probably become stronger in this aspect and then wouldn't bring this need to be dependent into future relationships. 3) You're so young! You should give yourself a chance to be on your own for a while, date, figure out what you really want. I am only in my late 20s now, but I am a very different person from who I was 10 years ago. I had to figure out who I was on my own, what I wanted to do with my life, etc. And when you are still dating your high school sweetheart, it's often difficult not to draw apart as you start to go in different directions. It sounds to me as though you are both starting to experience this. You are going in two different directions already. Our instinct is often to hang on for dear life when something we are attached to may part from us. But it often doesn't change the outcome, it just makes the process of letting go so much more difficult. Just my two cents of course, I hope you feel better:o Thank you for your response! I agree with a lot of what you said...of course, it's easier said then done. Everyone keeps telling me that I will have several other boyfriends, but I've never met anyone like him. He's everything I want and I know I should listen to my instinct, but it just seems wrong to let go of everything we've worked so hard for. He is trying so hard to save this relationship and I just feel so distant. It's not fair to him...I'm not dependent on him anymore, I used to be, but I learned to put myself first from our break up last year, and know he's become dependent on me and he wasn't that way before. I feel so hurt from this relationship, but I want to make things work...I know we are making this harder on ourselves, but I've lost too many guys in my life, that I can't handle losing him for good. Last year, my grandpa, dad, and brother all died in the same month so my boyfriend has been the only guy there for since then. I know their deaths play a huge role in me not letting him go, but he has always been there for me when I needed him. Once again, thank you! I apperciate it so much!
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