How would you behave if accused of an affair?

[poinsettia]

How would you behave if your spouse had thought for several years that you had had multiple affairs?

 

Would you be willing to talk about why s/he thought that? The specific incidents that raised suspicion? Would you get angry the first time, third time, tenth time it was brought up? Would you open up your e-mails, various online accounts, bank statements, whatever, to show that you had been above board?

 

Would you bring it up yourself, wanting to clear the air and prove your innocence?

 

How long would you tolerate your spouse's anger if you were truly innocent? What if you were guilty of lying and keeping secrets about people of the opposite sex, but had not actually crossed a physical line-- then how long would you tolerate your spouse's suspicion? Would you insist on marriage counseling? Would you go to independent counseling?

 

Would you be extremely loving to a spouse who falsely believed you'd slept with other people to the point of no longer wanting to sleep with you at all? (Extremely loving= lots of household help, becoming more of the type of person spouse wishes you to be, bringing home gifts and special treats, planning a second honeymoon, all kinds of little kindnesses, while still refusing to talk about the many issues that raised the concerns.)

 

Thanks for any input.

[Leia]

• How would you behave if your spouse had thought for several years that you had had multiple affairs?

I would behave like a mad woman. I would very upset if my partner thought I was having multiple affairs. First of all, that shows he doesn't know me well enough. I don't do affairs!

 

• Would you be willing to talk about why s/he thought that? The specific incidents that raised suspicion? Would you get angry the first time, third time, tenth time it was brought up? Would you open up your e-mails, various online accounts, bank statements, whatever, to show that you had been above board?

I would be willing to talk, of course! I would want to know why he thought I was having an affair. I would get very angry if he keeps bringing it up. I wouldn't show him all my accounts etc cos he should trust me but if it would make him feel more secure and better than yes, I would do that.

 

• Would you bring it up yourself, wanting to clear the air and prove your innocence?

Honestly, I wouldn't cos why should I? I'm innocent. I don't have to prove anything.

 

• How long would you tolerate your spouse's anger if you were truly innocent? What if you were guilty of lying and keeping secrets about people of the opposite sex, but had not actually crossed a physical line-- then how long would you tolerate your spouse's suspicion? Would you insist on marriage counseling? Would you go to independent counseling?

I can't tolerate people for too long especially if they don't trust me. When I was in a relationship, I never kept anything from him. We hang out with the same people. It is probably different from a marriage but I would still think it will have the same effect if you were in a long term relationship. I'd probably tell him to for independent counseling!!

 

• Would you be extremely loving to a spouse who falsely believed you'd slept with other people to the point of no longer wanting to sleep with you at all? (Extremely loving= lots of household help, becoming more of the type of person spouse wishes you to be, bringing home gifts and special treats, planning a second honeymoon, all kinds of little kindnesses, while still refusing to talk about the many issues that raised the concerns.)

I don't know about being extremely loving. I can't tolerate people who do not trust me. I am very open in my relationships and I can't stop people from having suspicious thoughts so what I would do is talk and talk about it but one can only take so much from others. I don't know what I would do come to think of it. If I loved him lots, I would probably make it work. Whatever it takes.

[Curmudgeon]

How would you behave if your spouse had thought for several years that you had had multiple affairs?

 

How I'd behave wouldn't matter because if i was unjustly accused and hadn't gained back my spouses trust and respect over those several years, I'd have been gone.

 

Would you be willing to talk about why s/he thought that? The specific incidents that raised suspicion? Would you get angry the first time, third time, tenth time it was brought up? Would you open up your e-mails, various online accounts, bank statements, whatever, to show that you had been above board?

 

I might do all that once and only once. The same for talking about it. If I wasn't believed then there would be no basis for continuing the marriage.

 

Would you bring it up yourself, wanting to clear the air and prove your innocence?

 

Again, once and only once.

 

How long would you tolerate your spouse's anger if you were truly innocent?

 

For about 72 hours, max! After that they'd better get over it.

 

What if you were guilty of lying and keeping secrets about people of the opposite sex, but had not actually crossed a physical line-- then how long would you tolerate your spouse's suspicion?

 

Under those circumstances my spouse would probably be justified in accusing me of having one or more emotional affairs. I think those can be worse than physical ones. Emotional infidelity is not to be tolerated.

 

Would you insist on marriage counseling? Would you go to independent counseling?

 

If I'd been unjustly accused, probably not. If I had been justly accuised and my spouse wanted to maintain the marriage then I'd go to marriage counseling.

 

Would you be extremely loving to a spouse who falsely believed you'd slept with other people to the point of no longer wanting to sleep with you at all? (Extremely loving= lots of household help, becoming more of the type of person spouse wishes you to be, bringing home gifts and special treats, planning a second honeymoon, all kinds of little kindnesses, while still refusing to talk about the many issues that raised the concerns.).

 

I wouldn't kiss up to someone who didn't trust me without cause. As I started off saying, I'd be gone.

[angie2443]

Poinsettia, could be more specific about the particular incidents that are/were causing the suspicions that the spouse (you?) was having multiple affairs? For me, this would make a differance.

[angie2443]

How would you behave if your spouse had thought for several years that you had had multiple affairs?

 

Would you be willing to talk about why s/he thought that? The specific incidents that raised suspicion? Would you get angry the first time, third time, tenth time it was brought up? Would you open up your e-mails, various online accounts, bank statements, whatever, to show that you had been above board?

 

Would you bring it up yourself, wanting to clear the air and prove your innocence?

 

How long would you tolerate your spouse's anger if you were truly innocent? What if you were guilty of lying and keeping secrets about people of the opposite sex, but had not actually crossed a physical line-- then how long would you tolerate your spouse's suspicion? Would you insist on marriage counseling? Would you go to independent counseling?

 

Would you be extremely loving to a spouse who falsely believed you'd slept with other people to the point of no longer wanting to sleep with you at all? (Extremely loving= lots of household help, becoming more of the type of person spouse wishes you to be, bringing home gifts and special treats, planning a second honeymoon, all kinds of little kindnesses, while still refusing to talk about the many issues that raised the concerns.)

 

Thanks for any input.

 

You know, if you are "lying and keeping secrets about people of the opposite sex" then you are not truly innocent. Maybe you didn't become physical with these people, but lines were crossed that were/are destructive to your primary relationship. To me this is cheating. I've never been cheated on physically, but I've heard many say that EA's are worse than PA's.

 

Could you give some more examples of the incidents that caused the spouse to accuse the one spouse (you?) of having multiple affairs?

 

P.S. I tried posting earliar and my post didn't come up. So if it somehow does come up later, sorry for the double post.

[blind_otter]

How would you behave if your spouse had thought for several years that you had had multiple affairs?

 

I'd probably fall all over myself trying to prove I was innocent. I have been accused of sleeping with certain less than acceptable people in my day (granted I have slept with a lot of losers, but if it's not true I adamantly stand by my innocence)....I remember once yelling "I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH HIM, GODDAMNIT!!! Please believe me!!!!!"

 

Would you be willing to talk about why s/he thought that? The specific incidents that raised suspicion? Would you get angry the first time, third time, tenth time it was brought up? Would you open up your e-mails, various online accounts, bank statements, whatever, to show that you had been above board?

 

Yes. Yes. YES. YES.

 

Would you bring it up yourself, wanting to clear the air and prove your innocence?

 

Well if I was innocent, I probably wouldn't bring it up myself because it would be a total non-issue to me.

 

How long would you tolerate your spouse's anger if you were truly innocent?

 

Only for a certain period of time before I would lash out in self-defense. I've never been accused of being passive aggressive though. Always just plain aggressive.

 

What if you were guilty of lying and keeping secrets about people of the opposite sex, but had not actually crossed a physical line-- then how long would you tolerate your spouse's suspicion? Would you insist on marriage counseling? Would you go to independent counseling?

 

I would probably tolerate the suspicious longer if I had actually dipped my toes in the water, so to speak. I would insist on MC and attend IC, I 'm a big proponent of that stuff.

 

Would you be extremely loving to a spouse who falsely believed you'd slept with other people to the point of no longer wanting to sleep with you at all? (Extremely loving= lots of household help, becoming more of the type of person spouse wishes you to be, bringing home gifts and special treats, planning a second honeymoon, all kinds of little kindnesses, while still refusing to talk about the many issues that raised the concerns.)

 

HAH, hell no. I would be all resentful that they had accused me and likely I would be cold and angry with them for putting me on the spot about the same damn thing day after day.

[poinsettia]

Poinsettia, could be more specific about the particular incidents that are/were causing the suspicions that the spouse (you?) was having multiple affairs? For me, this would make a differance.

 

Hi, Angie,

 

It is not me. It is my spouse who has raised the suspicions, with multiple secret e-mail accounts; secret friendships, e-mails, years of coffee dates with, and venting about me to, other women, absences explained by what turned out to be lies, senseless stories to explain why he lied.... the list goes on. There's much more, some big, some small, but an awful lot of odd coincidences, and things that need explaining.

 

He has admitted ONLY that he 'can see how someone might' think these relationships are emotional affairs. He has said he was wrong to do it... but because it hurt me, not because it's inherently wrong. He cannot bring himself to say that it was wrong of one of these women to encourage him to lie to his wife for years on end.

 

The current situation is that he led me to believe he ended contact with all of them, gave me his e-mail password as 'proof,' and simply moved one of them to his work account (he admitted it when I figured it out). He now swears he's *really* ended contact, but won't let me see his work account inbox as proof. He gets angry if I ask questions about any of these women. There has never been a time when he's just answered the questions without getting angry. (By contrast, he has been suspicious of me once, and I was quite happy to answer anything he asked.) He has avoided talking about it at all costs, and just dismissed me as crazy. He has put the two books about emotional affairs in his work bag, but has not read them. He does not want me anywhere near his work (where one of the ow is).

 

But he is also very kind and loving, helping out, bringing me gifts, taking me out, breakfast in bed.

 

I want to stress he has not even admitted that what he did WAS emotional affairs, although he's admitted to much of the behavior (like the weekly coffee dates that went on for years) that clearly is an affair. I will stress, too, I don't know THAT he slept with any of these women, but with this many women and lies spanning our entire marriage, it seems likely.

 

To me, his behavior is that of a man who is guilty as sin, knows it, wants to hang onto his marriage, and hopes that if he turns himself around, it'll all just go away. But I've been told I'm crazy for so long that I sometimes feel I'm losing my grasp on normal.

 

Thanks for your input.

[Pyro]

If I were accused of having an affair, I would calmly assure her that its not true and then I would ask how she came up with her conclusion and then go from there.

[mental_traveller]

Q. How would you behave if your spouse had thought for several years that you had had multiple affairs? Would you be willing to talk about why s/he thought that? The specific incidents that raised suspicion? Would you get angry the first time, third time, tenth time it was brought up? Would you open up your e-mails, various online accounts, bank statements, whatever, to show that you had been above board?

 

A. I'd be willing to talk about it, but I'd want to know her reasons. I wouldn't open up every part of my records unless there was a clear reason why it looked suspicious, but I'd probably be prepared to show a little in that case, just to prove she was wrong. If she kept going on about it I'd leave after the 3rd or 4th time, unless there were genuine reasons for her to feel that. If she had no reasons and was just being irrational, I'd be pretty cheesed off if she did it more than once or twice.

 

Q. Would you bring it up yourself, wanting to clear the air and prove your innocence?

 

A. If I realised it was a problem, then yeah I'd bring it up.

 

Q. How long would you tolerate your spouse's anger if you were truly innocent?

 

A. It would depend on the apparent evidence she had found. But in most cases I wouldn't tolerate it long.

 

Q. What if you were guilty of lying and keeping secrets about people of the opposite sex, but had not actually crossed a physical line-- then how long would you tolerate your spouse's suspicion? Would you insist on marriage counseling? Would you go to independent counseling?

 

A. In that case it would be entirely understandable on her part. Can't see myself in that situation, but I would have to be unhappy with some aspect of the relationship if I was looking elsewhere for female attention. In that case I'd want to be confident that whatever was missing could be dealt with, and yeah I'd probably encourage counselling if both of us wanted to continue.

 

Q. Would you be extremely loving to a spouse who falsely believed you'd slept with other people to the point of no longer wanting to sleep with you at all? (Extremely loving= lots of household help, becoming more of the type of person spouse wishes you to be, bringing home gifts and special treats, planning a second honeymoon, all kinds of little kindnesses, while still refusing to talk about the many issues that raised the concerns.)

 

A. No, I'd leave and be single rather than put up with that.

[angie2443]

" But I've been told I'm crazy for so long that I sometimes feel I'm losing my grasp on normal."

 

 

You are not crazy. Please, look up the term "gaslighting" on the internet and you might get a better idea of just how bad he's hurting you.

 

Your post disturbed me because some of what your going through is very simular to what I went through. My husband also called me crazy (jealous, insecure, nuts, ect.) for being upset with his "close" friendship to another woman. As in your situation, there were coincidences and big/little things that didn't add up.

 

One of the biggest lessons I learned is that it does not matter if sex is involved in these relationships. EA's can destroy a relationship and destroy the BS sense of sanity. Life is too short to put up with that.

 

I do not know if you have children together, but if you don't, you might want to consider IC and then consider if leaving this relationship might be a good idea. If you want to stay in this relationship, I would insist on MC and set bounderies in place. If your husband still calls you crazy and refuses to work with you on this issue, I would leave.

[D-Lish]

Hey P.

 

After reading your second post I see what is going on.

I think you are married to a man who wants to have his cake and eat it too. I think you know that though.

 

I truly would suggest marriage counselling if YOU want to stay with him.

 

He HAS crossed the line- that is what you are getting at right?

He has.

 

He has crossed the line, you know it, yet want to save your marriage.

Am I right? If that is the case, I do suggest taking your story to a counsellor.

 

It's not cool what he has done.

You don't sound happy.

[Leia]

The current situation is that he led me to believe he ended contact with all of them, gave me his e-mail password as 'proof,' and simply moved one of them to his work account (he admitted it when I figured it out). He now swears he's *really* ended contact, but won't let me see his work account inbox as proof. He gets angry if I ask questions about any of these women. There has never been a time when he's just answered the questions without getting angry. (By contrast, he has been suspicious of me once, and I was quite happy to answer anything he asked.) He has avoided talking about it at all costs, and just dismissed me as crazy. He has put the two books about emotional affairs in his work bag, but has not read them. He does not want me anywhere near his work (where one of the ow is).

 

Way too many red flags!!

 

But he is also very kind and loving, helping out, bringing me gifts, taking me out, breakfast in bed.

 

Could be guilt?

 

You have already tried talking to him but he's still giving you the same answers... which is not much. He thinks what he is doing is ok but in actual fact, IT IS NOT!

 

Have you tried suggesting MC?

[carhill]

What if the intendeds were male?

 

What if hubby were bisexual?

 

You see where this is going? It's the propensity for sex which drives this debate, whether the husband acts on it or not. That and insecurity.

 

What if hubby were honest and upfront about all friendships? Would it matter?

 

My very straight wife has very emotional relationships with her girlfriends and lesser ones with her gay male clients. I'm nearly positive she vents to them about our marriage and tells them intimacies that I likely have never heard. Is that wrong? How many in this thread have done exactly the same thing?

 

I won't speak for all men, but I know the men in my social circle are absolutely useless for the type of emotional friendships I need, which are essentially similar to what women share amongst their circle of friends. Men are by nature solitary, competitive and see such vulnerabilities as weakness. Trust me, I've tried, for decades. I just connect better with women. Does that make me bad? I gave up most of my female friends (all of which were non-sexual) when I got married and it's been very tough for me, especially with a wife who disconnects emotionally.

 

So, I ask the gathered wisdom, what's the difference between two women sharing the same emotional support relationship as a man and a women, as long as everyone is honest and there is no anticipation of physical intimacy outside the primary relationship (e.g. husband/wife)? My opinion is no difference.

 

Oh, and should I be worried when my wife hugs and kisses her girlfriends (or my male ones)?...that's physical intimacy. Oh, right, it's not sexual. But when a man does it, it always is (apparently). You wanted equality; here it is.

 

Time to evolve folks. Dark ages. Get a candle. Cake-eating appears to have more than one plate at the table.

 

No worries...this is just philosophical debate for my next psychologist session. I love yanking his chain

Edited February 25, 2008 by carhill

[Walk]

Poinsettia, I think your questions are valid, but I don't think they're the right questions to ask.

 

You're basically asking how do you tell if your spouse is cheating. And the truth is, it doesn't really matter whether he physically cheated, emotionally cheated, or didn't at all. The ONLY thing that matters is that the trust has been broken in your relationship. All the rest is symantics.

 

Why was the trust broken? Why did he cross the boundaries, and continue to do so for years after you brought up your concerns?

 

I'm assuming your a fairly normal human being with normal reactions. If something he was doing was causing you to feel it was taking away from your relationship, and you approached him about this before, then why hasn't he taken the steps to correct it?

 

The only times I've ever been accused of cheating were times when my actions were disrespectful toward my partner. It didn't matter whether I had actually intended them to be or not. Or whether I cheated or not. I acted inappropriately, which caused problems in my relationship, and I had a choice of either repairing the damage I had caused or not. My response has consistently been to get pissed whether I was innocent or not. The difference comes in how I behaved after my partner voiced his concern. I either stepped up to the plate through actions to prove my innocence. Or I continued lying and cheating even further behind his back.

 

Anyway... your hubby is lying to you. An innocent man doesn't "hide" something just for the heck of hiding it.

 

I think the questions you should be asking yourself now are... what do you want from this relationship? And are those needs being met? I don't think they are, or you wouldn't be posting these questions. And secondly, what do you need to do in order to have those needs met? Maybe that entails leaving your husband and finding a man who's ideas of monogomy are more in line with your own. Maybe that means you need to drag the two of you to counseling. But you need to do something other then ask "is he cheating". It doesn't matter. The damage has been done. Move to step two. Make a decision on whether this is acceptable to you, and act on that.

[Walk]

What if hubby were honest and upfront about all friendships? Would it matter?

what's the difference between two women sharing the same emotional support relationship as a man and a women, as long as everyone is honest and there is no anticipation of physical intimacy outside the primary relationship (e.g. husband/wife)?

There's no difference. The main issue is related to how that friendship affects your relationship with your partner. If its beneficial to your partner to have that friendship, then it benefits both of you. If it is harmful, or causes your partner to act in negative/harmful ways, then its not beneficial to your partner, or to you.

 

In the example above.. this posters husband is lying and hiding things. Which causes stress, and creates conflict in the marriage. The hubby had married this woman because that is what he wanted, and this "friendship" he has threatens the very thing he proclaimed to the world that he wanted. Whether he's cheating or not, the 'friend' isn't a good friend if she's allowing this hubby to do things that will eventually destroy his marriage.

 

The gender doesn't matter. Its how that person influences your partner and whether that influence is beneficial to your relationship, or destructive.

[HisLove]

Oh Poinsettia....fool me once, shame on you.....fool me twice, shame on me.

 

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

 

There are red flags all over the place here.

 

Dump him. Or accept the way he is.

[carhill]

Its how that person influences your partner and whether that influence is beneficial to your relationship, or destructive.

 

Precisely what our psychologist is helping us decide. BTW, I've never had any issues with my wife's male or female friends. I have a secure attachment style and believe she is with me because she wants to be, and needs other emotional outlets besides our primary relationship. I view it as completely normal.

 

That said, I'm not going to sacrifice myself at the alter of what she feels. That's how women kill men. Won't happen to me. I'm too smart for that, and her. A marriage has to be mutually satisfying to work.

 

Thanks for your input!

[georgia girl]

I had to respond to your post because I was accused of having an affair - with a married coworker. I'm single, he isn't and I was absolutely floored. Before it happened, I would have told you we were all friends. Now, I'm afraid someone will think I'm a slu*. Here's what I struggle with in my efforts to prove I did nothing wrong:

1) I'm angry and want to tell everybody involved with off. But, will it make me look guilty or scorned?

2) I'm ashamed and don't want anyone to know because if they do, will they believe it?

3) I want to be overly nice and prove that I never had those thoughts about my friend's husband, but then again, I don't think of her as a friend anymore and I don't think I should have to be nice to someone who hurt me so much.

4) I'm hurt. I lost my friends and maybe they weren't such good friends, but they're gone now (my choice, not theirs). Why did I have to lose something when I did nothing wrong?

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that your husband may not be fooling around. He may be just at a loss of how to prove he's innocent. I've got to say, if I was asked to share all of the emails I sent/received from this person's husband, I wouldn't. Not a single word was inappropriate - they are all business related but do contain sensitive client information, including financials - and it would totally vindicate me. However, I don't have a thing to prove and I don't need my privacy and my professional venue invaded on top of everything else. Not saying that if it were my spouse, I would feel the need to vindicate myself, but sometimes you just don't feel like having to defend yourself and that's being human.

[angie2443]

I had to respond to your post because I was accused of having an affair - with a married coworker. I'm single, he isn't and I was absolutely floored. Before it happened, I would have told you we were all friends. Now, I'm afraid someone will think I'm a slu*. Here's what I struggle with in my efforts to prove I did nothing wrong:

1) I'm angry and want to tell everybody involved with off. But, will it make me look guilty or scorned?

2) I'm ashamed and don't want anyone to know because if they do, will they believe it?

3) I want to be overly nice and prove that I never had those thoughts about my friend's husband, but then again, I don't think of her as a friend anymore and I don't think I should have to be nice to someone who hurt me so much.

4) I'm hurt. I lost my friends and maybe they weren't such good friends, but they're gone now (my choice, not theirs). Why did I have to lose something when I did nothing wrong?

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that your husband may not be fooling around. He may be just at a loss of how to prove he's innocent. I've got to say, if I was asked to share all of the emails I sent/received from this person's husband, I wouldn't. Not a single word was inappropriate - they are all business related but do contain sensitive client information, including financials - and it would totally vindicate me. However, I don't have a thing to prove and I don't need my privacy and my professional venue invaded on top of everything else. Not saying that if it were my spouse, I would feel the need to vindicate myself, but sometimes you just don't feel like having to defend yourself and that's being human.

 

Georgia girl, your situation is very differant from the poster's. Read through all the post and you'll see where she's coming from.

[georgia girl]

Angie,

 

I do agree with you - my situation is totally different. However, the point I was trying to make - and rather badly, I believe - is that when accused of something you didn't do, you DO go through this thought process of "How should I respond so that the accuser knows this just isn't true?" That's why behavior can seem inconsistent and do just the opposite - almost make it seem more likely true.

 

I'm not sure what's up with her H. It does seem a little suspicious, but not overly so to me. That's why I wanted to give her the perspective that his behavior may be odd for a good reason, not a bad one.