Dog lovers, any thoughts?

[Loli241]

I am feeling really bad about something and not sure if I should or not.

 

Years ago, I got a dog which I raised by myself and took care of for four years. When I decided to go on for an advanced degree out of state, I had to find housing that was affordable and which, unfortunately, did not take dogs.

 

My mother loved my dog and always used to say she wanted to keep her, so she offered to take her and was really happy having her! She used to say I wasn't going to get my dog back because she loved her so much and felt the dog became more hers than mine. So, my mom has had her for about four years now while I have worked on my advanced degree and then gained other work experience that required me to live in different living situations, temporarily, where I could not take a dog. This never was a problem as she loved having the dog and knew once I was done with everything I have been working on and can go back to working and having my own place, I will take the dog again.

 

Last winter, I got a wonderful opportunity to go even further in my education by attending a great school abroad which is very well respected in my field. As I did not have the money to attend, I applied for financial aid which I got to cover tuition, and my mother offered to help me with the rest. She knew that it would be EXTREMELY expensive, as the school is in London, and with the pound the way it is...But she still really wanted me to go and so she offered to help.

 

I got to London and found the most inexpensive, decent housing I could, which even then was about 150 dollars (after conversion) per week plus 45 dollars for transport costs. I hardly do anything other than study because I cannot afford it. I rarely ever go out with anyone to do anything, never go shopping for clothing or other stuff, and all I buy is food and essentials.

 

It is still extremely expensive, and all she has done since I have been here is yell at me about money, even though she KNEW London would be EXTREMELY expensive.

 

But now, my dog has begun to go blind. She cannot see and bumps into things and at night she is confused and stands on the bed, staring blankly into space, or wanders about restlessly. She also has begun to develop incontinence, and cannot always make it to the bathroom.

 

My mother lives alone and does not work or have any responsibilities other than taking care of herself and her house and the dog. Yet now she has been calling me in the last few months, yelling about the dog. She yells that she cannot handle my dog anymore and wants to know "which one of my friends loves me enough to take care of my dog that she has taken care of all these years for me?" She yells that she has too much to handle taking care of her house and her lawn and she cannot take dealing with the dog as well.

 

She has resorted to making my dog live locked in the garage, which is really upsetting to me. She tells me that my dogs personality has changed and she has become nippy. This dog was ALWAYS so sweet and gentle...I think she does not like the way my mother is treating her and thats why she has gotten nippy.

 

I tell her just to get doggie diapers for my dog, but she carries on that that is too much hassle and she is talking about putting my dog to sleep!!!!!!

 

I do not understand how my mother could love this dog for four years, and now when the dog has a simple problem, she is screaming about putting her to sleep and leaves her locked in the garage! She took her to the vet, and found out the blindness is from a tumor on her eye which I think can be removed, and now she is screaming about the money this is costing her!

 

The last time she called was a week or so ago, and as soon as I answered she started screaming about the dog and all the money it is costing her and all the money I am costing her and how her garage smells like a w*^re house because my dog cannot hold it and I just could not take it. I told her, without screaming, that I thought it was really wrong of her to keep acting this way. I told her that she knew London was expensive, I don't do anything, the dog is just blind and needs some doggie diapers and I can pay her back for the vet bills when I graduate and am working. But for her to carry on like she is (especially with talking about putting my dog to sleep!!!) is just putting a lot of stress on me when I am already trying to get through enough of my own troubles over here (another long story that she knows has been extremely difficult, and I am not just talking blind dogs and yard problems.)

 

She got so mad and said I was a selfish person and that everything is always all about me and then she hung up on me. I didn't call her back because I just couldn't deal with it anymore.

 

Well, now she is ignoring my calls and I just feel so bad. On the one hand, I feel like a mature adult would not carry on about something like this, and especially would not want to stress me out by talking about putting my dog to sleep when they know I have been going through a lot worse in my own personal life. I feel like a mature person would calmly discuss the situation, maybe ask for me to pay them back later, but would never go as far as to talk about getting rid of my dog or killing it!

 

On the other hand, she still makes me feel SO BAD!!! All the screaming and yelling...and then if I try to tell her she is screaming, she says "thats just the way I talk. its just the way I am and you need to get used to it." But even my best friend cannot take it when my mom "talks" that way - it is very disturbing.

 

I do not know what to do. Am I wrong? It seems to me that none of this is the big deal she is making it out to be. What do I do?

Edited February 23, 2008 by Loli241

[Ssheena]

Wow. As much as you probably don't want to hear this, the dog's quality of life is pretty much non-exsistant (blind, incontinent and with a tumor). That's a lot to take care of for your mom. I feel so sorry for the dog because it is getting old and is getting locked in the garage and not getting treated the way you would want it to be or I would want my old dog to get treated.

 

When does your school have break? I would suggest you go home and spend some time with your mom and your dog and maybe before you go back to school, revisit it's health.

You can try and find someone else to take the dog but at 8 years, being blind, tumor, peeing all over the place, you probably aren't going to find someone. It might be best for the dog to be in peace. You need to go see what it is like to have to take care of a pet that is suffering like that. It takes a LOT of time and vet's are super expensive.

 

It doesn't sound like you really have any set time frame as to when you could get the dog and what if another job/schooling opportunity comes up?

 

I don't like the way your mother is dealing with this by yelling at you and always bringing up the money thing, that is not the "correct" way to do this. Doubtless she feels bad about the dog as well. Try and put yourself in her position. She has to watch the dog all the time to make sure it doesn't bump into something, pee on something and clean up after it does.

 

Soooo... you can either find somewhere/somebody else to take the dog - you don't want it to live like it is do you? If she is the one taking care of it and taking it to the vet and faced with huge vet bills, it really is her decision what to do with the dog. You can't take care of it can you? No place to live there that would take a dog, right? No extra money for vet bills, dog food. Talk to your vet. Talk with your mother. Go home and stay for a week or so on your break and see what it is like for her. She's probably not too young herself. That's really a lot to ask of her.

 

I know you love your dog but living in doggie diapers (they have those? I thought they were just for girl dogs in heat) being in the garage, being blind and living with someone who resents it, is just no life for your pet.

[Geishawhelk]

You ask for compassionate leave from your university. You beg borrow or cadge whetever money you can. You go back to the USA and rescue your dog.

She's old, she's blind and she's incontinent and very, very confused.

The affection and comfortble home she once had has been taken away from her, and it's not her fault. Getting old and going blind is going to make her tetchy. But she does not deserve to be abandoned in this way at a time when she needs a bit of extra consideration.

 

On top of this, you do not blame your mother for the way she is feeling.

She has done everything possible to make it a reality for you to go off ot another country and study.

She's distressed, lonely, confused, pressured and she misses you.

She's acting like the dog. Blind, confused and tetchy.

She needs extra money to provide the dog with what she requires. The older the dog gets, the more care she will need.

 

But you do blame your Mother for taking it out on the dog. if I were her neighbour, and I knew this was happening, I would have reported her to the local Animal rescue society, or whatever you have in the USA.

 

It makes me sick how people treat dogs like they're a convenient commodity, then the moment plans change the dog suffers, because people assume it will get used to whatever situation presents itself, and that the dog will adapt.

Everything we put a dog through, without understanding its perspective, merely adds to the stress and confusion the dog experiences.

Your mother you can reason with on equal twerms. your dog will never understand in a million years, why this has happened.

 

By the way:

I am a dog behaviourist, and I deal with this kind of thing all the time.

Your duty was always to your dog, first and foremost. Your duty is still to your dog. You owe it to your dog, first and foremost, to make sure that the rest of her life is comfortable and pain-free.

 

Whatever it takes.

[swansong519]

Whatever it takes.

 

Exactly......

[Loli241]

Thank you both for the replies. I really appreciate them.

 

The problem that I am dealing with is that I think the way my mother is handling the situation is just making everything worse than it is or than it needs to be and I am so disappointed in the way she handles things (not just this.)

 

I am not saying it is easy for her. I was home at Christmas and saw the situation first hand for two weeks. I know it can be difficult at night when she will not lay down and just sleep, and she does wonder around the house a lot and bump into things here and there, and the incontinence is definitely a problem. But my dog is also really happy and still able to function normally in many ways - we took her out in public and she ran all over town just as happy as could be. She can still see enough to do things, and she can still hold it to a decent degree when she is not alone (we took her for long trips in the car and she never went in it once) the problem comes more when she is left alone for hours at a time, but she has been that way all her life, even when I had her, its just getting more so now. (She was always the type to do a "get back at you" potty when left alone which she never could be cured of and which I had to handle when I had her constantly.)

 

I just do not think the situation, while certainly difficult, is so terrible that it is worth screaming and carrying on over, (or leaving the dog in the garage which she has just started to do) and that is what is so frustrating. I told her I am coming home in March for several weeks, and we could assess the situation together then, and in the summer I am done with my program and moving back for good to start working again and have told her I will take the dog then and pay her back. But all of this goes in one ear and out the other, and instead of having an intelligent, mature conversation, all I get is screaming and yelling and being made to feel terrible, which I think is just so frustrating and pointless and only makes a bad situation so much worse.

 

It just the way it is handled that really bothers me. And even if it was not my dog, she would still be screaming about something, probably her house, which she is always screaming is so difficult to take care of, when she has nothing else to do. She has never held down a job in her life. If she has to do anything, it is always this blown-out-of-proportion nightmare.

 

I think it also really bothers me because I think this is a sign of a side of my mother that really upsets me, and it is the side of her that cannot care for others when they need caring for. When my grandmother was old and incontinent, my mother would lock herself in the bedroom and I always had to clean everything up because she would run in to her bedroom and lock the door and not want to have anything to do with it. She once told me when I was young that if she had had a child who had had something wrong with it, she would not have loved the child or really wanted it, which I just thought was horrible.

 

It just that whole side that only cares when she is getting something, but when she has to give back and there is effort involved, the person/animal that made her so happy gets shoved aside and it really makes me feel disappointed in her as a mother, like I cannot look up to her as a a great person.

 

Sorry, just needed to rant. I think it is just a long line of disappointment in the way she handles so many things in life...I want her so much to handle things with greatness and not smallness.

Edited February 24, 2008 by Loli241

[Arch]

Your mother is a b***h, I suggest you not give her anything of value to you ever again.

[Ssheena]

Wow. That puts a whole different spin on things. I would hope you can find someone else to take care of the dog until you get home. I have a guy come over and walk mine when I am not going to be home for along time and he's not too expensive (it does add up though). I think he is $12 for a half hour walk.

 

Yes, your mom sounds like she is being childish.

 

I'm sorry you are in this situation. If it's any consolation, you aren't the only one with a crappy azz mother.

[Geishawhelk]

Is there a possibility your mother is clinically depressed? It sounds as if she might even be bi-polar....

It's all very well being critical, and condemning her and judging her harshly. She may be many of these things, but you make it sound as if there's a possibility she's also mentally ill.

 

people with chronic and clinical depression are impossible to reason with. It doesn't matter what you say to them, it's all taken the wrong way, thrown back in your face and they can be pretty mean at times. (Yes, that was an understatement.....)

 

They're also not responsible for the things they say and do. They can't cope. In a crisis, they go to pieces and make all sorts of excuses, making sure it's always someone else's fault.

She sounds like she needs help.

Really, she does.

 

First and foremost, you really do need to get your dog out of there.

I really do mean that she is your first priority.

By the way, this 'peeing to get back at you' is nothing of the kind. Dogs don;'t practise revenge, or getting back at you.

It's fear and anxiety.

You can't 'cure' a dog of it.

It's all to do with the fact that much as you might have believed she was your dog, she on the other hand was convinced you were her puppy.

She's the mom of you.

And when you disappear for hours on end, and she has no idea where you are, what you're doing, whether you're safe, in danger...all the rest of it.... She pees herself with fear. Terror, actually.

Bet she was all over you like a rash when you got back... jumping, barking whining... so excited....

 

Classic mother-dog...?

 

Anyway.

Forget your mother for now. Focus on trying to get the dog out of there.

Then deal with your mother when you get back home.

[Ocean-Blue]

I feel for your poor dog. She must be very scared and confused at the moment.

 

Until you get back to your hometown, you need to make amends with your mother. Yes, she is being unreasonable and cruel to your beloved pet...but you have to do what it takes to make nice with her. Your mother is in control at the moment, the happiness of your dog lies in her hands.

 

So, do what you have to do to make her happy. Try to assuage her fears. Try not to get angry (I'm sure it's difficult, given everything you've written)...but TRY! The more you anger her, the more likely she is to take it out on your poor dog.

 

However, if it seems that she won't listen to reason and isn't willing to make nice, then perhaps you should contact local animal shelters and ask them if there is a program in place that takes care of sick pets on a short term basis. Some families adopt sick animals while the shelter looks for a permanent home for them.

 

I'm really sad to hear that your dog is going through this. To be locked in the garage and treated like that, especially by someone that took care of you for years, is heartbreaking. I hate how people treat animals sometimes...as if they were disposable...a mere inconvenience.

[Aoife]

Oh my goodness....cruelty to animals is one thing I just despise!! Go back, no matter what, and do the right thing for your poor, poor dog!! Take it to a vet and follow the advice, if it is to put the poor mite down or to find a loving home where he can spend the rest of his days!! Locked in a garage is cruel!! You know this - you CAN'T allow it to continue!!!!

[Loli241]

I am going back in March to see what can be done about my dog. I really miss her!

 

On the other hand, I cannot take my mother!

 

She keeps calling me and all she has to say is to COMPLAIN about MONEY! She says to me that she is upset 24-7 because of the money she is spending on me and the money she has spent on the dog. She is so ANGRY and says "you think your going to get away with doing this to me?" Even though I have TOLD her I will PAY HER BACK! (She is always thinking that people are "sc$#wing her" over when it comes to money though.)

 

The thing that is so infuriating is this: she spent over 7,000 dollars in the fall to put plantation shutters on her windows because she "needed a change" in her house! Then, she replaced perfectly good tile in her dining room with new tile, because "she needed a change" and also repainted the whole interior of her home, which did NOT need repainted at all! She did not have ANY complaints about that and said she really "needed it." (She didn't. Her home looks like something out of a magazine, and everyone tells her that who sees it!) And at Christmas, she bought another Christmas tree, even though we already have TWO, one in the living room and one in the family room!

 

Now, it seems to me that all of the things she bought were quite pointless, but she never complained at all about that. The dogs bills are nowhere near that much money, and she is upset and miserable?

 

I try to tell her to please act mature and talk maturely, and all I get is, in this childish and condescending voice, "Byeeeeeeeeeeee!" <<click>>

 

I cannot deal with her. I really think she needs to GROW UP. She is such a miserable, resentful person who is obsessed with money! She has never worked in her life and inherited everything she has from people who left her large amounts of money in their wills. When my grandmother was alive, she took ALL of my grandmothers monthly income from the government, claiming she "needed" it for rent money (she didn't - her house was payed for from the day she built it!) That used to really upset my grandmother because then she had nothing at all left!

 

Before I EVER even came to Europe, she said she WANTED to do this for me. What is wrong with her? Are most parents this way? Am I expecting too much from her to act mature? Its not like she didn't KNOW how expensive Europe would be, and I am not going out partying! Why is she acting this way? Not like anyone can know for sure, but any ideas?

[quankanne]

loli, in light of what you shared about your mom, and about your dog, it's obvious to me that your mom – bless her heart – cannot cope with illness of any kind, even in a beloved pet.

 

that doesn't make her rotten or mean or evil or vindictive, it's just the way she's wired. She yells about the money because she's scared; because she doesn't know how to cope with your dog's failing eyesight. And I imagine the incontinence problem on top of that doesn't make things any easier to deal with. Some people handle crises beautifully, some don't.

 

so rather than continuing to harp about your mother, try to understand that you are forcing her to cope with a situation she's not emotionally equipped to handle. And then line up a new caretaker for your dog. It's not that your mom is truly angry with you or the dog, but at the situation she's having to confront that makes her uncomfortable.

[billboo]

Hi there,

 

As sad as it seems your dog is suffering and maybe your mum doesn't want to be the one to put him down and is wanting you to say it so she doesn't feel as bad.

 

You need to face that it is the best thing for the dog and with your relationship with your mum.

 

Your mum has done alot for you and you have to appreciate it and stop and think about her. Send her the money for the vets to put the dog down and apologise. It's not all about ourselves in life.

 

Love to you

 

Billboo

Billy and Boo (My 2 West Highland Terriers)

[Nevermind]

My 03. cents

 

1) You have seen the dog for 2 weeks. When my family took care of my grandfather for his last years, and somebody came to visit, they always thought how nice he was, how calm, relaxed, how easy-going. He was nice, but all the other things he wasn't. It was a 24-hour job taking care of him. He could not be left alone for 10 minutes, he needed supervision in the bathroom, he was walking around at night, not knowing what he was looking for.

 

You cannot estimate what it means to be responsible for your dog months and months without end, without help. Your mom's angry behaviour might well be a call for help, too.

 

2) Please consider giving your dog peace. With all she has, there is no silver lightening. It is not going to be better. She is suffering. And this makes your mom suffer, too.

 

3) What your mother does with her money is none of your business.

Your saying "she bought this and I think it's useless etc" makes it look as if you think you're entitled to something. You live a frugal life right now and it is hard not to feel resentment when your mom buys things you can't even dream of affording. But it's none of your business. I am just saying this because if you told your mom "you're spending lots of money on stupid things" I could understand why she gets angry.

 

Sorry for all the bad stuff in your life!

[mscaprine]

So, your mom has had the dog in her life for at least as long as you did? Four years is an awfully long time to expect anyone to look after your dog, particularly when it starts having special needs. I know it's your mom but still. Four years! Are you holding onto the dog because you love it or just because you feel indebted to do so? From what I can gather, you are not going to be taking this dog into your own home anytime soon, so why hold onto it? Particularly when it is old, unhappy, and suffering?

 

A dog needs companionship, love, and care. It is not getting it while being banished in a garage. That is worse than prison; a dog cannot understand why it is alone, in the dark, and unloved. In light of the alternative, it would be better to have the dog put down. IMO it is more cruel to allow it to continue as it is. It would be very difficult to get someone who will take in such a dog under those circumstances. You understand that this person would have to deal with taking the dog out, changing "diapers", etc. Who would do that for free, and why would they?

 

Dogs should be part of the family. This one is not. It is suffering, and is alone. The most horrible life a dog can have. I would give more thought to what is best for the dog, not for yourself, or your mom, or whoever. Give the dog a peaceful end. It's the compassionate thing to do.

 

And like billboo said, it is YOUR dog. YOU should be the one to take care of that, not your mom. Don't pawn it off on someone else. As a dog owner, you have to take the full responsibility for it, even in bad times.

Edited March 21, 2008 by mscaprine

[shanny]

This post really struck me. My dog and cats are my children and it makes me sooo sad to think that your poor little baby is living in a garage! She is a mother... she has dealt with kids... this dog cannot be any worse. Does she have any sympathy for the dog? Does she understand that what she is going through taking care of the dog is not nearly as bad as what the dog is going through itself? How would your mom like to be blind and incontinent and stuck in a garage? Your dog is an individual and has a soul and deserves to be loved. If you can't go home to take care of the doggie, do you have a caring friend that may do better than your mom? Your mom is one of those people that loves cuddly, sweet animals, as long as they don't cause any problems. No offense, but she is the type of person I can't stand, the type that thinks animals are disposable. Ok... enough ranting and raving from PETA girl here.

 

But seriously, you have to do something about this. In the right home, a blind, incontinent dog can happily live out the rest of his days. You have to find that home. Good luck and I will pray for your doggie.