ahah2322 Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 (edited) Dear readers, I am in an emotional shamble right now. I walked out on my now-ex bf three weeks ago. I was sick and tired of not having both our emotional needs met in the relationship. In essence, we started arguing alot and we did not communicate in a positive manner. The breakdown in relationship can be ascribed to a shared responsibility and blame. We did not speak for the next three weeks (NC) following the walk-out until last night when he called. I was so happy he called. i truly miss him still. He called to see how i am and whether i have any hard feelings about us... it was a nice and cordial conversation. i do not feel resentment of any sort. I enjoyed us and our three year old relationship and was happy with the shared memories. I am also self-assured and definitely a very positive person. I only want the best for him and us. The thing is i want him back and i sincerely believe that with better communication, we can succeed. I never meant to break-up with him. I miss him. Should i just forget about everything and move on? Or should i tell him that i want to give us another shot if he would allow it... Edited February 23, 2008 by ahah2322
carhill Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 My observations: 3 years is a pretty serious relationship You sound like an intelligent and articulate person. That's really cool. You've identified an important relationship issue My advice: Ask him if he'd consider couple's therapy to improve your communication. Even if your relationship doesn't work out, the skills you learn will benefit you for life. I see upside here. Anyone else?
xpaperxcutx Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 My observations: 3 years is a pretty serious relationship You sound like an intelligent and articulate person. That's really cool. You've identified an important relationship issue My advice: Ask him if he'd consider couple's therapy to improve your communication. Even if your relationship doesn't work out, the skills you learn will benefit you for life. I see upside here. Anyone else? Couple's therapy seem too drastic. Maybe the first step would be to reconcile your feelings for each other as you've been together for 3 years up til this point. Usually getting back together requires both persons willingness to put in the effort. Good luck.
carhill Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 How do you propose they learn to communicate better? Read a book? OP, was this a live-in situation or we're you just dating exclusively and sexually monogamous? Did you see marriage down the road for this relationship?
xpaperxcutx Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 How do you propose they learn to communicate better? Read a book? OP, was this a live-in situation or we're you just dating exclusively and sexually monogamous? Did you see marriage down the road for this relationship? That's why I wrote that it requires the willingness of both parties. If he agrees with you to give it another try, you can always consider the option of couples therapy to open up to each other.
carhill Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 n essence, we started arguing alot and we did not communicate in a positive manner. The breakdown in relationship can be ascribed to a shared responsibility and blame. Would the OP not benefit from IC regardless, as she appears to identify a deficiency in communication skills in herself? I submit, that way, regardless of the outcome of the relationship, she would be in a better and more confident place for its resumption or beginning a new relationship with someone else. I went way too long ascribing many things to being unsaid and realize now how I could have better communicated my perspective. That was my responsibility and error. MC for us has opened my eyes to that now.
Author ahah2322 Posted February 24, 2008 Author Posted February 24, 2008 hey guys, thank you for your responses. I suppose a little background is needed on the situation. I am at a tender age of 18 and him, 19. We are both young and have wonderful things going for us in life. In essence, subjects like marriage will be the furthest thing from our minds. IMO, i just think it's deplorable and sad that a relationship has to end because of poor communication because that could be fixed if endeavored. Hence, i feel it in my bones to give us another shot if he wants to. My question is should i follow my heart and do so? If yes, how should i go about doing it? If no, i am fully self-assured and comfortable with my myself to lead my own life. Also, the phone call while amiable and respectful (and also maybe we're both prideful people) brought about closure especially since the walk-out three weeks ago was abrupt. I have no clue as to how he is feeling about us. Perhaps it is in his best interest to remain friends with me or to seek closure and i definitely don't want to be pulling him down.
carhill Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 OK, let's say you follow your heart and give it "another shot". What do you propose to do the same and/or differently if you get that shot? How is pretty easy. Contact him and express your feelings about the last three weeks. Ask for his thoughts. Trust your instincts about what you hear. Is saving face important here (culturally)? You mentioned "prideful".
Author ahah2322 Posted February 24, 2008 Author Posted February 24, 2008 (edited) if i gave it another shot, i'd want him to do the same too. i'd want us to sit down and discuss where we had gone wrong. I would want us to make a conscious effort to communicate in a more effective manner. We are both very prideful and argumentative people and this is why even trivial quarrels are hard to resolve. Nothing big happened and i would ascribe it to both a 'down' in a three year relationship trajectory as well as inept communication techniques. Pride is definitely getting the better of me and will be my greatest obstacle if i were to go about resuming contact. I take pride in being independent and strong. And even if i do falter, i would not show it but instead strengthen my resolve to be mentally-positive and healthy. My bf is extremely prideful and independent in that way too. Perhaps we are both better off single for a bit to enjoy life and where it takes us. Three weeks is a pretty short period of time. We are both young and i would want nothing but the best for him and i know that he would want the best for me too. That said, i'm also torn with the option of being together with him and overcoming the challenges ahead. i am rather confused about it all (i definitely don't want to close the door on us) but if the best for us means not getting back together, i'd willingly accept that and this will not make life any less meaningful for me. what was meaningful was the three years worth of learning experiences and love that i'd never trade for the world. I am sure that i have failed to put my emotions across succintly and explicitly (in part due to me having mixed emotions that i'm not able to proficiently qualify) so i'm going to have to depend on you readers to feel me out. Am i immature for being torn apart? I know that you guys have lived through life longer than i have and with more experiences at hand, will be thus able to guide me through this teenage quandary of mine. Thank you so much carhill for being inquisitive and for 'feeling me out'. I hope this post does give a better insight on how i am feeling. Edited February 24, 2008 by ahah2322
Author ahah2322 Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 do you guys have any advice for me? any help will be greatly appreciated.
carhill Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 In the middle of my work day but my instinct is that you and he should come together as friends and/or lovers on a mutually agreeable timeline. Keep each other as emotional and spiritual "home base" for your seperate adventures in experiencing life. Be honest about any other relationships which may develop and keep an eye on how you feel about each other. I think time and experience will send you a clear message. Do you feel spiritually connected to him in a special way, as perhaps compared to others you do or have loved? I call it the "third" dimension of an otherwise flat spritual world. You immediately and completely see beyond the surfaces of him and he is transparent to you. If you do and it's mutual, my instinct is he could be a life partner if you are compatible in other ways, which you likely know already. Hope that helps!
JimMorrison Posted February 27, 2008 Posted February 27, 2008 Hey, question: If he didn't call you back after the 3 weeks, or didn't call you at all, would you still be thinking that you want him back? Would you of taken the initiative to call him and tell him that you miss him and want him back?
Author ahah2322 Posted February 28, 2008 Author Posted February 28, 2008 If he didn't call you back after the 3 weeks, or didn't call you at all, would you still be thinking that you want him back? The thing is, i've always wanted him back despite whether he called or didn't. I've never stopped loving him, even when i left him. Would you of taken the initiative to call him and tell him that you miss him and want him back? The thought of that would consume me but i don't think i have the courage to do so. shame on me. I have absolutely no clue as to whether he still loves me; I have absolutely no clue as to whether the feeling of me wanting us to get back together is mutual. If he is successfully moving on, i do not want to detract his progress. Thank you JimMorrison. Do you have any advice for me?
JimMorrison Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 (edited) Well, do what you feel in your heart is right. Make sure you are sure though! If you have been together for awhile and really really care for him, then I'd say you'd care more if he is successfuly moving on. If you don't really mind that he is successfully moving on then let him go. If you DO though, you should call him up and see how he feels. Tell him you made a horrible mistake, and if he is human, he will realize we all make mistakes. If he loves you, he'll be back! If he doesn't come back, then you have your answer. If you want to find out, then what do you have to lose in asking? In 20 years from now you will be more dissapointed by the things that you did not do as opposed to the things you did! This is all just my opinion though, you do what your heart & brain tell you to do -- the only one you can listen to is yourself. Edited February 29, 2008 by JimMorrison
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