Tracey111 Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 SO, here is the scoop....B/f and I break up in November because he can't committ...relationship has been going on for 6 years but has been a rollar-coaster ride for 3 of those years due to committment issues on his part. We decide to finally buy a house and then I get the same old song and dance in November that 'he just can't do it'. I end it. He doesn't believe me, waits a couple of weeks and calls me before Christmas with a non -descript conversation as I sit with baited breath hoping he'll say that he'll go for counselling or something but it is just a 'check in' call and that was it. I spend the next day having a 'Sob-a-thon' and then leave him a message the following day saying that he has nothing to offer me, has no intentions on offering me anything and that I didn't think he needed to call me anymore. I said that he obviously had some big problems he needed to work out with someone other than me and that if he ever wanted to be in my life again in any capacity, he knew what he needed to do but not to call me anymore. Harsh, eh, for someone trying to resolve an issue that is basically unresolvable. So that was before Christmas. Now he has a new girlfriend. Yeah. new girlfriend. We have a lot of the same friends as we are both musicians and last week-end, people were a litle 'different' with me....you know what I mean? you know that something is going on but not sure what. Well, I had this dream on Wednesday night that the relationship would be over by the end of February with 2 snips....snip, snip! No-one has told me he has another girlfriend but he had a gig last Saturday night and everyone was weird with me on Sunday and now, I know why. To cut to the chase, I feel humiliated....no-one wants to pick sides. I know that. But, I feel that he walking around with a whole lot of moxie and I was really hoping that my absence would make a huge impact on him and I guess it did! He went out and got another girlfriend. I shouldn't be surprised...he was a cheater and liar and that was the beginning of the end 3 years ago. I just couldn't get over it and who the Hell would? So why do I feel like an idiot? Cast aside and left adrift. that's how I feel. Why would I even think that he would commit to me? He never has committed to anyone before and as soon as the flush of new love passes, it's real life. That is when committment phobes begin to distance through cheating etc. I know all this so why do I feel so bad? I even said to him when I ended it that he will move on quickly, because that is what he does and everything will be fine until the new chick wants a committment and then the same crap will start over. I know all this. So why do I feel like s ***? And, how do I handle it in public when I want to alternate between ruining his life and begging him to come back. I would never do either, but that is what I entertain doing. I have too much pride. Oh and did I mention that he gave me Herpes with one of his escapades? He denies it though....he doesn't ahve herpes but I never was with anyone else in 6 years and never had it beofre him..Go Figure. How do I get rid of this sick feeling and move on with my life?
Roller EastCoaster Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 Sounds somewhat similar to my recent situation, we were together for several years, noticed a distance in the relationship, then we split. Then she quickly started dating someone else... it makes you wonder how people can just jump so quick from something long-term to casual dating? I pondered that for a while and realized that its really a neediness and vulnerability on their part AND immaturity. Though you described him as not caring, trust me he is probably feelin it pretty hard... and actually if you broke it off he could be doing this to put it in your face. But here is the real issue. You have to distance yourself from the situation as in what we all talk about on here...NC (No Contact). You need to remove yourself so that you can figure out some things for yourself. trust me that is the only way. Especially after such a long relationship where you get so used to being with someone. It takes a toll on our everyday emotional and mental patterns. My ex and I have been apart now for about 4 months although due to some drama in that time period, it feels like 1 or 2 months. Anyways, slowly things (as in some realizations) are starting to manifest themselves to me very slowly. And its kinda weird. I never thought that I would be able to start taking things in stride as I am learning to now, although trust me it hurts and grips me still. But the reason I have got to this point with it is y removing myself from her space and creating and accepting my own. Otherwise what you find yourself dealing with is a vicious cycle of ups and downs which all relate back to your attachment with them. In this case your attachment to them dictates the majority of what you feel/think. Progress comes but only when you have created your own trajectory, that is just for you and your thoughts/goals/emotions.
Author Tracey111 Posted February 23, 2008 Author Posted February 23, 2008 Thanks for that....I just feel so bloody lost....I feel like I can't stop thinking about him and what we had and every time that happens, I remind myself of all the bad things that happened.....it helps somewhat. I just don't understand how someone can spend 6 years with someone and want to keep the status-quo....doesn't make sense to me. I am hurting like Hell like most people on this board and I really appreciate the feedback. I am sorry your ex did what she did. You sound like a nice person. I guess we all are.
EllaDerSpin Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 I have a bit of commitment phobia (but have never cheated) and my opinion is that even if he is not regretting it now, he probably will be at some point. I wouldnt hold your breath though, it could take ages. He probably will not be any different with the new girlfriend, he hasn't even taken a breather to work on his issues. Stick to some NC, maybe even take some time away from mutual friends and things will get clearer. You might even realise you are better off freeing yourself up for the kind of relationship you really want.
sedona Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 Roller EastCoaster gave you your answer: "Progress comes but only when you have created your own trajectory, that is just for you and your thoughts/goals/emotions." This is how you move on. This is how we all move on. Easier said than done, however! It requires time and effort. Baby steps. Try to concentate on the present, not on the past or the future. One thing that helps me is yoga- where I have to think about NOW. When I've finished a yoga class, then I've been able to look back and think that for a few minutes, I was able to leave my problems behind and feel fine again. A feeling of freedom and relief. This feeling doesn't last, but it's just the beginning stages of healing for me. I'm hoping that I'll slowly feel more of these "free" moments and fewer times when I torture myself over something that never was and never will be.
Roller EastCoaster Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 Actually, the fact that he wanted to remain status quo is practically commendable in the sense that he knew himself enough to know that he is not ready. So that should raise some questions for you as in.. that if someone is not ready or able to make the next level of commitment, then am I better off alone rather waiting around for someone who may be wasting my time?
dfreeman Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 But the reason I have got to this point with it is y removing myself from her space and creating and accepting my own. Otherwise what you find yourself dealing with is a vicious cycle of ups and downs which all relate back to your attachment with them. In this case your attachment to them dictates the majority of what you feel/think. Progress comes but only when you have created your own trajectory, that is just for you and your thoughts/goals/emotions. That last sentence is soooo darn true...people working on dictating their own trajectory are actually trying to heal themselves. People that are just wandering around with their life still pointing back toward the ex are really just f#{kin about! I have been forced to see or hear from my ex at least once per week over the seven since we broke up - each time not going anything like I would want and each time sending me through that vicious cycle.
sedgwick Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 Wait, do you know FOR SURE he has a new gf, or do you just think he does because your friends acted weird? My musician ex dumped me because I'm not a musician. (I'm a bellydancer in a dance company and a published author.) Interesting to know that musicians also treat other musicians badly sometimes. He really treated me like being a musician was the be-all, end-all of human achievement and like I didn't do anything worthwhile.
Author Tracey111 Posted February 24, 2008 Author Posted February 24, 2008 No, I don't know forsure but everyone sure is acting weird.....Musicians seem to think that they belong to this 'special group' and the women who are with musicians, are "Band Wives"....that is a club all unto itself. After 6 years and him not being able to committ makes me think that he never will. I am going out to a Jam tonight and will pay attention to the vibes.....I just feel sick about him and all...I guess the musician friends maybe feel stuck between the two of us...
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