It_Hurts Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 My MM left his wife last week - I know, I know it is early days. A few things stood out for me from the beginning why he might always do it. I did not influence him in any way, infact, I told him to stay with his wife forever. My MM NEVER told me any reasons why he couldn't leave his wife. Infact, he never gave me one excuse why he couldn't leave but talked about lots of reasons why he shouldn't stay. I read at the beginning of the affair that if a MM does not leave within 3 months (somewhere else said 6 months) he will NEVER leave. He left his wife 3 months to the day of our first kiss. I knew that if he loved me ENOUGH, he would make it happen. I appreciate he could go back at ANYTIME and his wife is fighting for him to go back, I am not prepared to fight for him. He knows that I love him and I would love a future with him but I understand that EVERY DAY he has the choice to stay away or go back. He is having lots of up's and down's but I am secure enough within myself that he will do the best for HIMSELF. I might be back here next week, next month or year saying it is over. On the other hand, it might all work out. Thanks again for all the advice I have received from LS. I changed my attitude, I woke up and really opened my eyes and took control of MY life and gave my MM the FREEDOM to take control of HIS life too.
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 It sounds like he was on the way out anyway. I would have to say that if a MM leaves in that amount of time, he was likely going to divorce with or without an OW in the picture. The only thing I would caution you about is the possibility of an "exit affair". More than a few OW/OM have been victims of that here.
White Flower Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 2nd time trying to post. It is great that you share your early intuition with us and how it later turned out. We can learn so much from that. It also sounds like you know who you are and what you need. You are strong and want what's right for both of you even if that means losing him. I said similar things to my MM and he was floored with my strength, honesty, and desire for what's right for both of us over what I want. Even though I never asked him to leave for me I did hear the reasons he cannot leave and that is his cross to bare. He is living for others and neglecting himself. Best of luck and keep us posted.
Author It_Hurts Posted February 28, 2008 Author Posted February 28, 2008 It sounds like he was on the way out anyway. I would have to say that if a MM leaves in that amount of time, he was likely going to divorce with or without an OW in the picture. The only thing I would caution you about is the possibility of an "exit affair". More than a few OW/OM have been victims of that here. Thanks for your thoughts LB but I don't think I will ever be a victim. Just an update: I really thought I wouldn't get caught up in the drama, how wrong I was. MM's wife arrived on my doorstep this week demanding to know what the hell was going on. He confessed to her about our affair. She has since stopped him from seeing his children, tells him she loves him, then tells him she hates him. She believes nothing was wrong with their marriage even though she had numerous affairs, which she confessed to me. I have fallen in love with this man all over again, now we can be together but I think his wife's emotions are affecting me more than they are him. He tells me, he will NEVER return to his wife but she is trying every trick in the book to win him back. Why was I feeling so strong about us and now I am feeling slightly insecure? Help please.
Owl Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 Because its easy to picture things working out the way you want them to be.... ...but its harder to deal with the reality of things when they actually arrive. I don't know of any sage "advice" I can give you at this point...I know her side of things far better than yours or his. I guess I'd suggest that you always bear in mind that actions are far more true than words. Watch his ACTIONS...and hers...and don't trust the words of either that much. See what happens, not what they say. That'll be the most telling indicator of anything.
whichwayisup Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 Because before she had no face, maybe she didn't feel "real" to you. You only heard about her through MM. Now that you've seen her upclose, spoken to her, you can see her pain. She's a real human being now with feelings so ofcourse it's going to make you stop and think. If you love him, back off and allow him time and space. His life now is a mess and they both (him and his wife) have to figure out a way to co-parent together, in a calm way for the sake of the kids. He can't just end his marriage and poof! Start a new life with you so quickly. There's ALOT of stuff that needs to be settled still. I agree with Owl, actions is what you need to look at here, not his words.
AngDre02 Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 Before your MM leaves and divorces the wife for good, make sure he's never going to have any second thoughts of "what if." My MM moved out 10 years ago (way before me), but moved back to give it another try. After 10 years, it still wasn't working out and on his way back out the door he met me. I never want to be pegged as the person who "made" him leave...or "he left her for me." Don't put that on yourself. Let your MM know that he needs to leave for himself to be truly happy. It sounds like you're the one who makes him happy, but make sure he can never come back and say, "I left her for you." The wife is going to go great lengths to get him back. I promise you...the worst is not over. Maybe because she's losing the lifestyle she once had or the security of having that perfect family. (I'm in that boat right now...she loves his money and her month long trips to Europe, but not him...trust me, I've seen her first hand.) But the fact that your MM made a motion to move out is a huge step. I can COMPLETELY understand how you feel when he says he'll never go back. My MM says the same thing and I want to believe him, but I'm always going to be skeptical until those divorce papers are final. And rightfully so, you need to protect yourself. You want to believe it, but how dedicated is he to his family...and will the wife do any conniving or manipulation to bring him bacK? These are all questions that I ask myself about my situation. All I can say is, keep your chin up...and be patient. God knows patience is NOT one of my strong points, but I've learned to be just to keep sane. I can't tell you how many crying fits I've had because I feel like my MM and I are never going to see the end...but keep pushing through, if your MM finds happiness with you like no other, then it's worth it in the end.
stampdaddy Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 Because before she had no face, maybe she didn't feel "real" to you. You only heard about her through MM. Now that you've seen her upclose, spoken to her, you can see her pain. She's a real human being now with feelings so ofcourse it's going to make you stop and think. If you love him, back off and allow him time and space. His life now is a mess and they both (him and his wife) have to figure out a way to co-parent together, in a calm way for the sake of the kids. He can't just end his marriage and poof! Start a new life with you so quickly. There's ALOT of stuff that needs to be settled still. I agree with Owl, actions is what you need to look at here, not his words. This is exactly what happened to me.. BS became "real".. and although I was "told" she was coming, where is she "today", WITH HIM
whichwayisup Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 make sure he's never going to have any second thoughts of "what if." I think that's impossible. Maybe if enough time passes and he's alone, dealt with the loss of his marriage, all that was supposed to be - and he heals completely, and then if the relationship (non-affair situation) starts up again, then there's a better chance of it working out and less chance of him going back home. Still, that doesn't guarantee the relationship itself will work out.
OWoman Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 Before your MM leaves and divorces the wife for good, make sure he's never going to have any second thoughts of "what if." I think that's impossible. This is true enough. My MM, since leaving his W, has done an enormous amount of "what iffing" both in private reflection and in counselling. And his answers, each time he muses on what things would have been like had he stayed, have been, THANK GOD I LEFT because I'd likely be dead by now. Possibly physically, but certainly emotionally. Comparing the life he left with the life he's moved into has been a source of great affirmation and validation for him - people who see him on the street who don't yet know about the split tell him he's looking so good, and when anyone asks how he's feeling since the split he tells them honestly he has never felt better in his life. His doctors have taken him off his medication because he no longer requires it, his body has healed in the absence of the stress and suffering. Friends and colleagues are congratulating him on walking away and choosing happiness for his kids and himself, and his family are simply thrilled.
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