bostonstraightedge Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 My girlfriend of over 2 years who I love with all my heart broke up with me 6 days ago. We broke up after a fight over something insignificant, but she says she's been planning it for a while, the argument just made for a good situation. Rather than breaking up out of nowhere without warning. She said she doesn't know whether this is going to last. But she doesn't feel "it" anymore. She doesn't think she's in love with me like she used to be, but she wants time to figure it out. We've been talking a fair amount. Last night we went out to dinner with a big group of people for a b-day party. I thought this would be a good situation because it's not just us alone so she should feel comfortable. Prior to the dinner, she wouldn't step foot in my house. I assume she didn't want to bring back memories of our relationship too early. I also gave her flowers when I picked her up. She was very touched. But after dinner, she didn't want to go to the party. She specifically wanted to come back to my house. She ended up staying until 3:30 in the morning. She wasn't comfortable spending the night. We kissed and fooled around a little. No sex, but further than kissing. But today, she wouldn't talk to me on the phone for more than 5 minutes. She didn't want to text or communicate much at all. I eventually told her I wouldn't talk anymore until she's ready to talk to me and she can come directly to me when she's ready. We've broken up before for the same reason but it only lasted for about a day and a half. Then she called me up and told me what a mistake she had made and how much she loved me. This time she seems a little more serious. It's killing me because I keep getting my hopes up, then I get let down. So I go all through the emotions again. That and it's SO hard not to talk to her. I've been trying but it's hard to distract myself. I feel like I need to know her mood and I need to know what she's up to but I don't want to piss her off. What are your thoughts? Think there's any hope for us? Or should I just forget about her and try to move on? I really love her more than anything.
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 The most likely thing is that she has her eye on someone else, and if it doesn't work out with him she always has you as the backup plan. That is the thing with breaks and 'needing space'. Nine times out of ten they need them to accommodate someone new. When someone hands you a break, hand them a break up. You will save yourself a lot of trouble and heartbreak in the end.
Reckless Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 Women rarely do things like this on impulse. Your girl has been thinking about this for some time. If a girl says she wants "a break" she wants to "break up" with you but because she understands how devastating it will, be tries to sugar the pill by saying its so she can 'think' or 'work things out'. The only thing she wants to work out is how to never see you again. Now, wives maybe try and send a 'pull your sock up' (British for 'get your act together) message by walking out for a few days, but this method of getting your attention is rarely employed by girlfriends and lovers. The "we need a break" method is used as I said, to hinder the shock the result however, is that the dumpee is left in limbo and suffers longer. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but you are probably now officially a dumpee and the dumper just didn't have the heart to tell you straight. That's where we at LS come in. Sorry for your pain, Reckless
Author bostonstraightedge Posted February 24, 2008 Author Posted February 24, 2008 Thanks for the advice so far. I'm still confused though. We talk and she says she "really doesn't know." She doesn't know how she'll feel in the future. And she truly wants to remain very good friends. I know this is always a bad idea, but I just feel like there's something there. And I feel like if I stop talking to her, I'll give up any chance of us getting back together. Recently she's gotten some new friends (girls) that she loves hanging out with. I got along with them, but she just really likes hanging out with them alone. No guys. Before this she had no friends at all. I feel like she's just reacting to the shock of finally having friends for the first time in like 2 years and wants to be totally independent and not tied down to one person. But I don't know if that will last (if that even is the real issue). I don't really know what I'm getting at or what kind of advice I'm looking for anymore. But if anyone has any insight, please...
atc2410 Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 A 'break' delivers enough space for the requestor to explore what it is that is attracting them away from the relationship without the guilt of being in a relationship. It is entirely selfish albeit understandable that someone would impose this on an unwilling partner. With the benefit of experience and hindsight as soon as such a circumstance is proposed the other party should ideally end it there and then thus demonstrating to the requestor that he/she does not have their partner on a string. If you remain civil and present all you'll do is allow them to ween themselves off you at their own pace. Of course having been there I absolutely understand how reasonable, rational and noble it is to simply take what they say at face value and continue to offer support at great cost to your own comfort. You love and trust them after all.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 A 'break' delivers enough space for the requestor to explore what it is that is attracting them away from the relationship without the guilt of being in a relationship. It is entirely selfish albeit understandable that someone would impose this on an unwilling partner. With the benefit of experience and hindsight as soon as such a circumstance is proposed the other party should ideally end it there and then thus demonstrating to the requestor that he/she does not have their partner on a string. If you remain civil and present all you'll do is allow them to ween themselves off you at their own pace. Of course having been there I absolutely understand how reasonable, rational and noble it is to simply take what they say at face value and continue to offer support at great cost to your own comfort. You love and trust them after all. True. Your ex ( pretty much says it all) is indecisive as to where your relationship is going. She wants a relationship, but she's having doubts as whether she wants one with you. It's hard to swallow that someone you care about would even think that, but these things occurs in almost every relationship. Do take it at face value, and stop letting her use you as a doormat and string you along. Until you learn to just let go, she will drag you through an emotional rollercoaster ride.
miami45uconn Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 Yeah I had the same thing happen to me. She definatley had been planning it and as i look back the passion and just everything seemed to slow down. She wanted a break as she called it. I didnt reacte to it well. She blamed me and how i reacted to the break poorly for the reasoning for her making it permanent. I think that was only to give reasoning and not let her look like the jerk who broke my heart when i did nothing wrong. I dont know if she had her eye on someone or just wanted to be single and have fun without me or whatever. Yeah it kills. Just remember one thingg, dont be her back burner. I dont know how you or anyone would do it. If she wants you back, you need to find out if its for real or her devious plan didnt work out. Im telling you these girls who are gorgeous have ALL THE POWER. In all honesty if my girl came back and said she made a mistake. Id use all the will power of mine and say no. She let it go so easily and then after being so cold and cruel to me i wouldnt want that person in my life. Good luck bro. Hopefully this wont ruin us.
sedona Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 If she says that she wants time to think things over and you love her and want this relationship to work, then give her time. Others here have said that's an easy way for her to dump you, and yes, of course that's a possibility. But you know her. We don't. Do you believe in your heart of hearts that she's just trying to let you down easy? Do you think that she's interested in someone else? Do you think she's lying to you? Or is she genuinely confused about her feelings for you? It seems to me that you have 2 choices: 1) break up with her or 2) give her the breathing space she says she needs. Do the No Contact thing, let her think about what it's like not having you in her life and what you mean to her. Don't allow herself to get in touch with her. First tell her about this decision (calmly) and ask her to please call you when she knows more, no matter what she decides. Do you trust her enough to know that she actually will call, even if she decides to break up? You could also give yourself a deadline -- if she doesn't call by X day, then it's over... I was always cynical about these "time-outs." After all, how can we work on our relationship if we're not together? But now I'm learning through hard experience that sometimes life isn't so black and white. Again, you know her best and must have some idea whether her "break" really translates into a break-up. If you decide to do a NC break, then you have to use the chance to get on with your life, as hard as that is! Also, about being just friends with your ex. Could you really do that? It would just kill me to see my BF together with someone else (well, we're on a break -- can I still call him my BF???). Why would I want to voluntarily put myself through that?
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