First love gone wrong

[prideandcourage]

It's been a month since my ex broke up with me, after a relationship of three months. Although I'm 25, she was my first relationship and she is 20. We met at school when I started a club, and everything just seemed to click. I was so happy to be in a relationship and I couldn't believe that she had chosen me, as I'm shy and probably wouldn't have started anything otherwise. She is and was one of the best people I've ever met, and even now I can only think of a few flaws that she had. Near the end we were spending a lot of time together, seeing each other almost every day. I'm naturally pretty cautious, and it took a few weeks to be convinced that the relationship was going where I thought it was. I never got any sense that she was any less than absolutely crazy about me, and I was completely head over heels in love. We were apart for a few weeks over the new year in different cities, but when I came back she prepared me a surprise dinner to welcome me home and we spent the whole weekend together.

 

Over the next week I sensed that something was wrong. She was acting a bit distant, and for a four day period seemed to be ignoring me. I became worried very quickly, but decided to give her a little space in case that's what she wanted, as she was having some minor school issues. After the four days I broke down and asked her what was going on, on MSN since I couldn't find her. She broke up with me stating that she thought our relationship was moving too fast (probably in the physical sense, although we'd never had sex). She didn't seem completely sure that the breakup was the best choice, but said that there was no discussion on the matter. I had partly convinced myself over the previous days to expect the worst, but was still devastated.

 

After a week of complete shock and contemplation, I asked her to go on a walk with me to clarify some of the reasons for the breakup, and to talk face to face (MSN breakups are wholly unsatisfying). She was a completely different person to me. I couldn't sense any of the feelings that I thought she had ever felt for me. She still didn't elaborate much, but summarized her reasons as simply that she had fallen out of love and that we were spending too much time together. I spelled out my feelings, and I thought that I had the information that I needed.

 

Another week passed and I couldn't stop thinking about the things that she said. I was particularly hurt that she didn't seem to miss me at all, and that she didn't appreciate the things I did for her. Throughout our relationship I was as accommodating as possible, and everything I did was to please her. I felt like I went out of my way to make her life better. I came to realize that her reasons didn't add up in my mind, so I asked her for the truth. What she told me has completely torn me up inside. She said that she was more in love with the idea of being loved, rather than loving the person she was with, and had tricked herself into thinking she loved me. She said that she didn't ever really love me at all, and that had she not been in love with the idea of being loved, we would never been together in the first place. I don't think there's any reason to doubt that this is anything but the truth, I don't think she hates me and wouldn't want to hurt me. I can't even think of what could have been worse for her to have told me.

 

I need help coping with all the feelings I have. I'm not unattractive, but I'm a fairly simple and boring individual with very low self-esteem. I had thought that even after the relationship ended that at least I could be loved, but how am I supposed to deal with the fact that I wasn't? Am I still looking for my first real relationship? I had not even considered the possibility that she didn't love me. I haven't had other relationships, and I'd always told myself that someone would love me for me. I'd thought that I'd found exactly that.

 

And what can I do with the memories? Everything seems so fake now knowing that she didn't love me. I can't even look at the photos I've taken in those three months, without breaking into tears. I've lost three months of my life and I can't shake the feeling that I've regressed somehow. I'm a fiercely logical person, and even now everything doesn't add up. I can't believe that she acted the way she did if she didn't truly love me. I wish I could just stop trying to rationalize everything. I thought I was doing better in the last few weeks, but now I realize that I was simply just still relying on her coming back to me. I need help to move on, continuing to hope she'll change her mind isn't healthy for me.

 

I realize it's three months, and that in the grand scheme of things that it's nothing, but it seems like the worst way that my first 'relationship' could have ended. I'm finding it quite hard to move on, and don't have any experience to draw on. I've gone NC for two weeks, which has been hard enough, but it doesn't seem like enough. NC isn't easy when you're at university and are liable to see each other just walking around. I hope someone can give me some advice, and make my life more bearable. I truly hope that no-one else goes through something like this. Thanks in advance for anything anyone can help me with.

[prideandcourage]

I guess the coping part of the forum was the wrong place for this...

[carhill]

No, sometimes stuff just gets buried and people miss it.

 

Hmm...

 

You sound like a very sensitive individual. I say that with respect as I've dealt with that my entire life (near 50 now). It can be a real strength if you learn how to use it right.

 

Sadly, you will run into a lot of people who start relationships for reasons other than sharing their lives and love with another person. Everyone has their own experience, perspective and stressors.

 

A combination of logic and sensitivity can be a real handful. My best advice would be to use your strengths to raise your self-esteem so you can naturally attract someone who appreciates your sensitivity and other positive features. Be aware it may be difficult and you'll have to go slow.

 

Best thing to do is hook up with some friends you enjoy being with and have some positive fun. College is a great place to do that. If you're shy, try an interest you love. You'll likely find other people who share it and this will lessen shyness. For me, during that period of my life (post college), I took up auto racing and toured; just me, my race car, truck and camper. What fun Didn't miss not having a girlfriend at all.

 

Good luck!

[spookie]

Observations:

 

1. Three months is too short a time for most people to love someone. So, it's unproductive to feel bad about the fact that she didn't.

 

2. She likely broke up with you BECAUSE you were doing "everything" to please her. The truth is, everyone wants someone with some backbone, a good sense of who they are and what they want. I learned this the hard way: I too bent myself into a pretzel to please my ex, and the further with that I went, the less he loved me. Only after I got into a relaitonship with a "nice guy" did I realize how much of a turn-off that is. Most healthy people IMO are already independent and don't "need" anything from anyone. What they are looking for in a relationship is magic. And you don't inspire that by being someone's doormat.

 

3. You sound like you have very low self esteem, and that the demise of this R plummeted it even further. That you're the kind of person that places a high stock on love - maybe it's because you are lonely, or have always wanted an extension of yourself because you felt small - but until you realize that YOU have to complete yourself before anyone will love you, you won't find love. You need to become a stronger person. You need to not care how others perceive you, go after what you want, stop being so shy (shyness - which is not the same thing as quietness - is rooted in fear), develop confidence in who you are. THAT'S attractive.

 

I'm sorry if this is harsh, but I've been on both sides of the "nice guy" fence. My first bf broke up with me because I was clingy and loved him too much (far more than myself). I'm in the process of breaking up with my second bf because the roles are reversed and I've realized I cannot be vulnerable with someone so weak - so although he makes my life better by tending to my needs, it's all things I can do for myself, and what I'm really looking for is someone to punch the air out of me.

[carhill]

I'm in the process of breaking up with my second bf because the roles are reversed and I've realized I cannot be vulnerable with someone so weak - so although he makes my life better by tending to my needs, it's all things I can do for myself, and what I'm really looking for is someone to punch the air out of me.

 

This is important for the OP. I've fought this battle. Maybe you can help clarify.

 

Right now I'm regaining my "manhood", so to speak, even though I've always had high self esteem and believe in myself, I have a naturally sensitive nervous system and pick up on things around me much more than the average person does. Hence I tend to "anticipate" my wife's needs because I sense them, and, as part of being this way, it's hard to ignore those signals, because I feel like I'm being distant or uncaring.

 

I'll be curious to see how much the OP identifies with this.

 

I'll be honest with you. "Punching the air" out of my wife, even with MC, seems to be getting us to D. She says she needs a man who stands up for himself (which I always have, in my own way), but doesn't like the new, more assertive, me, very much.

[prideandcourage]

Thanks carhill and spookie,

I'd come to some rough conclusions like you've both outlined. I've accepted that it's over, and I'm much wiser because of it. A lot of what I have to do is get my whole life on track before I can give another relationship a try. The dangerous combination of low self esteem, logical thinking and over-sensitivity hasn't done me much good. How can I make this work to my advantage? In some aspects I have very high self esteem, mostly relating to my intellectual abilities. However, socially I'm at times awkward and generally shy away from personal relationships.

 

I wouldn't say that I was a pushover, or that I always went out of my way to please her, but it was extremely high on my priority list. I did try to be everything I thought was necessary for a healthy relationship, like honesty, loyalty and trying to be as communicative as possible. I guess she didn't feel the same way.

 

For me it wasn't so much that the relationship ended, although that was certainly devastating, but because in the end I got the impression that she didn't feel anything at all, and it was just a charade. Any help with dealing with the emotions that would cause?

 

carhill: I'm certainly far too sensitive to the feelings of others. And since I overanalyze them, I tend to get buried in an avalanche of thought, thinking of reasons and scenarios. As for your suggestion, I'd certainly like to get out and have some fun, but my main avenues for social contact are gone. Not only am I new to this city, and don't know many people, but I'm one of a handful of graduate students among a sea of undergraduates. To the end of doing something related to my main interests, I started a photography club to get to know people and joined the environmental club as well, but my ex is an active member of both of those. I left the club I started and removed myself from the other. With one fell swoop, most of my social interactions are gone. I've never been any good at making friends, although many people find me quite personable. I don't have any other significant interests, and I've been trying hard to think of anything, but haven't settled on anything yet.

 

I posted this in the coping section, since I'm not looking to depress anyone with my situation, or seek ways in which to attempt to reach out and start the relationship anew. I just thought I would be able to get some advice that wasn't obvious to me. You two have done that, thanks!

[BalancenLuv20]

prideandcourage, you are just being too hard on yourself. Just put yourself out there and see what happens you are single now, you're starting in a new place what have you got to lose? it's time to live up to your screename bud . Don't worry about what your ex thinks, you need to worry about what's most important and that's getting your life cycle cycling in the right direction...i dont have a lot of friends and I'm not the most sociable for sure, but I just started college and it's been about a month and I'm starting to find a few people here and there who I can have a good conversation with whether it be strictly school or about more intricate topics...i just let myself go and didn't care what people thought eventhough I love to overanalyze situations like you and usually observe the situation before I dip my feet in it...

 

In these new situations lets face it unless you get your face out there, no one is going to notice you and no one is going to care. it's a bitter fact of reality...these new environments aren't easy, but it sounds like you are highly intellectual and you say people think you are personable so it sounds like a combination that's bound to get you somewhere if you can put it to use...

[ibitealil]

Thanks carhill and spookie,

I'd come to some rough conclusions like you've both outlined. I've accepted

 

PandC,

 

dont be so critical on urself...not everything is your fault and there is nothing wrong with being sensitive and shy. Not everyone has to be the same and there are many women out there who are attracted to sensitive intelligent men...in fact to me you sound like quite a catch as such men are pretty rare to find who have a combination of personality like u do...move on and live ur life without being worried...men like u become wiser stronger and more attractive as they age..just work a little bit on being needy...there s nothing wrong in trying to please ur woman but it just should not be your priority :-)

You are a man!

[prideandcourage]

Thanks. I'm feeling a quite a bit better. My main problem is losing someone I considered one of my best friends. Someone who had almost identical values and ideals as me. I've never found someone anywhere near as close to me in that regard. Things move on though, and I'll be fine. Thanks for the advice all.

[carhill]

OP, google "highly sensitive person" and take Dr. Aaron's online test....I'm curious as to how you score yourself. Be sure to turn off any social/intellectual filters and give honest responses. I scored 19 with filters off and 12 with them on.

 

FWIW, my wife and I have very similar ideals and values. It is the one thing we agreed on in MC. However, we have disparate temperaments and perspectives, one major component being vastly different emotional wiring. Such is at the heart of our relationship issues, along with communication issues/styles.

 

Just passing on some life experience here. Wish someone had said this to me at 20.

[prideandcourage]

I took the test and being completely honest scored an 18. While I don't put much stock in the test, I know I'm highly sensitive so it's probably somewhat valid. It sucks that I had a relationship with this woman, I'd much rather have not had it at all, and had her as a friend instead. Unfortunately now, at least for the near future, I can't be her friend without making my life worse.

 

carhill, best of luck with MC, I hope everything works out for you. Relationships are obviously complex, but at least you both want to work on yours to make it work.

[carhill]

Now, the process is reconciling what society considers "normal" for males is not your dynamic and will affect your relationships and choices that will be available to you.

 

Had I known the complete dynamic the way I do now, I would have been able to better assess the chances for my relationship (my wife scored a 4 and her real-life attitudes reflect it) and likely would not have gotten married. Compatibility is important and I now understand that disparate emotional "style" is an important factor to consider.

 

But, then again, maybe I'm just old

[prideandcourage]

Well so much for NC. She came by my office at the university today unexpectedly, just to 'check to see whether I was still alive'. Anyone who's gone through this knows how awkward it was. Our talk was brief, but it has screwed up the rest of my day. She should have observed that I was quite sombre and depressed while talking. I went to teach a tutorial and could barely concentrate. And the logical part of me is thinking up reasons why she'd come by. I doubt she wants me back. Should I just tell her that I need to sever contact completely? Just see if I can resume NC without telling her? While it's nice to know she cares a little, seeing her intermittently is going to make my transition process a lot harder. Any help?

[BalancenLuv20]

Well so much for NC. She came by my office at the university today unexpectedly, just to 'check to see whether I was still alive'. Anyone who's gone through this knows how awkward it was. Our talk was brief, but it has screwed up the rest of my day. She should have observed that I was quite sombre and depressed while talking. I went to teach a tutorial and could barely concentrate. And the logical part of me is thinking up reasons why she'd come by. I doubt she wants me back. Should I just tell her that I need to sever contact completely? Just see if I can resume NC without telling her? While it's nice to know she cares a little, seeing her intermittently is going to make my transition process a lot harder. Any help?

 

I know deep down you know the answer, but you just don't want to admit it...i went through the same thing...she is now beginning to keep you on a leash man and this is where you need to recognize the situation NOW I can't emphasize this enough... don't give into her crap and let it bog you down...

 

She doesn't want you in her life she just wants to check in on you and she knows that she still has control over your thoughts and emotions... it seems in this case that she's on a power trip and she is well aware of your fragile personality and knows that she can exploit it...men do this to women as well so it happens from both sides of the spectrum it's often really a matter of which party is more vulnerable... I guess in the case with my ex I missed her so bad that I enjoyed every bit of attention I could get from her so I gave into all that crap despite the fact she had a bf and treated me terribly... it took me 3 months to realize what a BAD idea it was and after all the pain and anxiety and the mixed thoughts constantly racing through my head, I finally couldn't take it anymore and I ignored her and let go...now you have to do the same and if she continually tries to peek in on your life tell her you need your space, that she needs to back off and that you need time to heal and move on...