Sadcakesleo Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 long post Today my ex gf broke it off completely with me. We have been going out for 3 and a half years. we lived together for almost two years. We have been on a break for almost a month but we recently have been doing better.It wasn't a matter if we would get back but when. Last night I was frustrated because I felt I was being pulled through a loop. I wanted to talk about some things but she was just ignoring me and telling me to leave her alone. I finally snapped and said "what are you doing here, If you are not going to communicate with me then you need to leave." I pay 75% of rent and all utilities so I figured I can say that.she replied that she will leave tommorow I said no if you are going to leave then you leave right now. She wasn't listening and still ignoring me. I finally had it and grabbed some of her stuff and started putting them together in a pile. She went berserk and started yelling and crying and saying mean things like I hate you and why can't you leave me alone. I got scared and I tried to calm her down, she just slapped me and said I hate you, your trying to kick me out in the middle of the night. You have to understand that she lives 5 min away from her parents and she still has a room there so I wasn't kicking her out. I was simply saying that if you were going to leave them don't wait and make it worse. Anyways, after seeing her breakdown like that I broke down too and could no longer fight. my intentions werent to fight but just talk. She went into the living room to sleep and I cried myself to sleep in the bathroom. A little background on me real quick, since the break I have fallen into depression and I am seeing a therapist and was planning to get meds next week for it. I am co dependant and I have moodiness issues, I always let my emotions get the best of me and snap. In the morning I tried to apologize but she says shes sick of me and my **** she hates me and she doesn't love me anymore and its my fault and there is no chance for us to get back together. I told her that we let are emotions get the best of us and I am trying to get help to control that.she tells me she doest care anymore. I asked to give me a small chance to make things better, cried pleaded and begged and she said no more chances. She says that she will help with rent untill are lease ends in july and that maybe she will be civil to me later. So I lost her for good and don't know what to do, I have to live with her untill july. How am I supposed to move on if I live with her.I can't afford rent by myself and she doesn't want to go back to her parents.Does anybody have advice or words of encouragement. I feel like dying, I am so afraid to be by myself because I never have been. I want to take back what happened last night. I blew it at least I had a chance yesterday now I have no chance and I can't move on from her untill july.
carhill Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Any options about getting a roommate and her going back to parents?
Author Sadcakesleo Posted February 22, 2008 Author Posted February 22, 2008 no options, its one bedroom apartment.we are on the lease together. I don't know what to do. I want to get better but I can't seem to act upon it and with her being around occasionally nc cant happen.
carhill Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 I think there's a way, if you want it bad enough. Do you want it bad enough? It's not like you're kicking her out on the street. She might not like mommy and daddy (going home to them), but sometimes part of being an adult is doing something we don't like to get somewhere we do like. I've only recently found out how weird I am/was for not living with my wife until we were married (about 18 months after we met). Of course, I didn't face your problem I'm sure plenty of others have and will have excellent advice.
LoveLace Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Yea, someone has to move, because moving on can't truly begin until there's NC, otherwise there will be continuous issues. She has the choice to either move in with mom and dad or make life harder for the both of ya. If she can't understand that staying is bad idea, then just really lay low and try to avoid her as much as possible, sleep on the couch, spend time out with buddies, whatever, and pay no attention to her. As far as rent, YOU have the choice to let her stay just to rely on her portion of finances, or talk her into leaving, and figure out the rest on your own...whether it means borrowing or working more, whatever. Actually, I can't think of a better way to make yourself feel stronger and more independent as a person. It'll be harder for you to get there with her around, not saying impossible, just a lot harder. By staying, she's holding off your ability to get better, all the while she's only still there because she's too baby to crash mom and dad's for a minute.
dfreeman Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 cried pleaded and begged One good turn deserves another - you should go cry, plead and beg your landlord to let you out of that lease (I've done it under dire circumstances and she let me move out the following morning. She even offered to arrange to have a police officer witness the move for me). If this girl already had you begging and is still treating you like $#1t, you won't last two weeks, let alone 5 months. If you think the rejection you felt yesterday was bad for your bouts with depression, consider the 5 weeks of anger and rejection I took before I finally moved out onto my brother's couch two weeks ago. So, read this forum until your eyes pop out, get some exercise, grab a big cup of coffee then come back and read some more. Some of us walk and talk a little tougher than others, but we are all on here helping ourselves and others through the same crappy pain you have in your gut right now. Welcome to your recovery - I hope peace finds you fast, dfree
Author Sadcakesleo Posted February 23, 2008 Author Posted February 23, 2008 thnx for the replies. Its funny because I know the best answer but I am to scared to follow through with it. I should tell her to go back to her parents but am afraid of being alone. Does anybody else feel my fear and what have you guys done about it? I kind of don't know where to start. Everytime I had a breakup I moved on to another girl in the wings, this time I have to be alone for awhile but I really don't know how to go about it.
carhill Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 You'll never truly learn the tools to be in a LTR until you work on yourself by being alone, assuming relationships are an issue for you. Most people have difficulty with this. Being an only child, I lived alone (in a big house) for a good 10 years before getting married without any significant loneliness at all. I'm home alone right now and we're hashing out marital issues. Do I feel lonely? Perhaps, just a little, but we have been married over 7 years. Not to mention I'm sick Once you push through the initial emotions of loss and "what do I do", it gets easier. What I've found with friends who have serial relationships is that they seem to make the same mistakes in each one, regardless of whether they "see it" or not. They just can't help it because they don't take the time to work on themselves. Likely, your GF could use a similar dosage of solo. My female friends seem to have a harder time, simply because male attention is more pervasive and less specific (they could be "any girl"; it doesn't matter to the guy pursuing them). Hard to stay alone when that's always coming at you. Same for a universally attractive male. It's just easy to never take the time out.
paladin1 Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 Being alone is hard; I'll agree. When I lost my GF 14 days ago, I lost my best friend of years as well. In the past, I'd tend to go from relationship to relationship...even when dumped I'd find someone else quickly. Looking back; I wonder how right carhill could be...same mistakes over and over. I agree; go solo for a while. I am, and it is a hard thing to face...but I plan to take the time to reflect on what went wrong and work on myself as a person to avoid making the mistakes in the future. Think of it this way; there is absolutely no downside to taking time alone to work on yourself. Either 1) In the future you have a relationship with her, but now you've worked on what went wrong this time (as you see it) and can approach the relationship in a healthy and different way or 2) You have a new relationship in the future and understand and won't repeat the depression and moodiness you say is an issue. Either way, you are improving yourself...for her or for others! You had the strength to seek help and realize that you had problems to work through; you can do the rest...I guarantee it!
Author Sadcakesleo Posted February 23, 2008 Author Posted February 23, 2008 tonight was the first night since my break up so i am posting on how it went. I went to my parents for awhile and then played poker with my buddies. It was actually fun.Seeing a couple of my buddies with there gf made me kinda sad but I know that will come eventually.I was sad on the way home but I have to be strong. I got home and of course shes there.We didn't say one word, I'm sleeping on the couch and her in the bedroom. I hope I can stay strong and thnx everyone for listening and being supportive.
Author Sadcakesleo Posted February 23, 2008 Author Posted February 23, 2008 I hate the mornings, they are the worst. I have this anxiety that makes me not want to do anything.I hate this its making me depressed.Anybody have words of encouragement.I feel like crawling in a hole and dying
Roller EastCoaster Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 (edited) Sadcakes I feel ya man. But trust me you are at a point where you have to be. Its somewhere where most of us have been and maybe even once/twice/three times before.... that is the lowest point. But its ok, cuz sometimes we have to bottom out before we can start rising up again. For many of us there is just no other way. You cannot really strategize yourself out of your emotional and chaotic attachment you are feeling right now. Some people can to a degree, but its rare and I doubt those people who do were that emotionally attached. Anyways, what I am really saying is you are right where you are supposed to be. I was in your same position, we broke up (she made the final call), had a 1 bdrm apt together, and I decided to move out. But financially things were very tight as I was supporting both of us for a few months. So I decided that I would move out and find my own place, BUT it too me about two months to find something! So I had to live with her for that period, but we both were very transient and hardly ever saw her. But I do remember how much I wished and prayed that I didnt have to be stuck in that world with her. I remember how much I used to enjoy just stepping out of the house and takin a breath of fresh air... there was so much tension built up in that living space. So I would hang with my buddies and get out as much as possible. But I knew that I would not make any progress on my co-dependency and my emotional attachment until I separated myself from interacting with her. So you have to figure out a way my friend to separate yourself from her in terms of your living space. I know for you right now it seems impossible and probably seems like something you do not want to do, but that is your emotions and co-dependency playing with your head. Take it easy, try to figure out what the best situation is for the both of you. Lovelace is right, its YOUR choice now. Sometimes you have to look back and remember when you were not together and think of how happy you were then, that can give you some momentum to start dealing with things and be resilient, we are all resilient. Trust me... Edited February 23, 2008 by Roller EastCoaster
Author Sadcakesleo Posted February 24, 2008 Author Posted February 24, 2008 I'm glad that somebody went through what I'm going through because most people I talk to really don't have any advice because the situation is uncommon. normally when you break up for good somebody goes.since nether of us can go it makes it rather hard to move forward.I'm trying, its tough making an effort to reach out for my friends especially after so long but I have to. Today was an up and down day with the morning being the worst. I felt ok enough to clean the kitchen after work which is a big step. She is here in the bedroom sleeping and I am on the couch, its just so wierd because I want to hold her or ask how her day is but I don't because it will only make things and me worse. I might have plans with my buddies 2night so hopefully that goes through but for now Im going to go rent a movie and go to the bookstore and just hang out there for awhile because I like reading, just to get away. It's strange because at night I don't seem to really feel depressed its only when I wake up untill the afternoon that I feel hopeless. What I hate the most is the dreams, I wake up thinking they are real and get sad because they are not. anyways venting on ls makes me feel better so I hope nobody gets tired of my posts.
Author Sadcakesleo Posted February 24, 2008 Author Posted February 24, 2008 Last night I blew it, I left the apartment to go out with friends but there was a storm so all my friends kind of did nothing. I ended up just going to my parents house and tried to watch some movies I rented with my brother and sister. I was feeling pretty good about myself because I was getting away from her. Anyways she ended up calling me and asking me where I was and I told her (mistake number one)she asked me if I was coming home soon and I said I don't know why you asking. She then said that she was going out and she didn't want to leave the dogs there. I said don't worry about the dogs just go out and do what you have to do. She then asked me if I was hungry and wanted to go get something to eat I said yes(mistake number 2).We went out to eat and she wanted to rent a movie and we did. While we were watching she got a phone call from a coworker saying they were all sitting down ready to eat. It was her coworkers bday and she had asked my ex to come earlier but my ex pretended to fall asleep so she would miss the dinner, but when her coworker called a couple hours later they just barely had sat down for dinner. She had no way out anymore because she said she would go and her coworker went to my ex's bday dinner. Anyways to make a long story short she went to the bday dinner after we already ate and was watching a movie. I feel so played and used. I felt I was doing ok but now I feel like crap. To anyone out there its a mistake to get a place with a spouse if your not married and cant afford rent by yourself. This is the end result, I can't move on becuse she is still there!!!!! God I am so sick of feeling this way, it's affecting my whole life!!
AriaIncognito Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 I understand your situation as well. I lived with a guy for a few years (about 3 I guess) of our 4 year relationship. We broke up and well, I had to move out. So I did. I was 26 and I moved back in with my parents. I had no choice. Did I want to move in with my parents? Hell no! Did I do it because we were broken up and we needed to move on? Hell yeah. You need to get her out. I'm sure you can find someone willing to pick up the 1/4 of the rent she's paying even to live in the living room on a couch. Not like 1/4 is that much. You are not going to get out of this hell until you and she have distance from one another and that's not going to happen until one of you moves out. So who is it going to be?
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