Cruel and Nasty dumpees

[casey001]

Hey all

 

I have recently been dumped (well 2 months ago).

My x who I was with for 2 years made some mistakes (such as compromising emails and constant txts to other girls) which I found out about. When i confronted him he was VERY angry and me and managed to blame me all the time. He was very cold and nasty about it.

 

Anyway we moved past that (well I decided to patch things up) Then he dumped me, and had a new gf the following day. I now have reason to believe she came along before hand. Anyway since dumping me he has been unbelievebly COLD, MEAN, RUDE, NASTY, CRUEL and blamed me. He refuses to talk to me anymore and rubs this new girl in my face even tho he knows I was devestated about it. He told others I cheated on him and I wasn't going to let the realtionship work and that I treated him like dirt and thats why he dumped me. (which is 100% untrue)

 

I have never been treated so poorly and I seriously did not do anything wrong. (By that i mean im not the perfect girlfriend but i NEVER cheated or bad mouthed him and I put up with alot and always tried to make it work)

 

So my main question is why do they act so nasty and cruel and blame us?

My ex partner always had an annoying habbit of blaming me for things (or not setting stories straight) just so he wouldn't look bad.

He not only did this to me but to the other ex gfnd aswell.

 

I have noticed some stories on here where the dumpee is extremelly nasty and cruel about it and I was hoping you could share your stories with me or offer some insite into why they do this?!

 

Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!

[eagle5]

I think it's simple, they do it to aleviate their own guilt. It's a cowardly way to blame someone else for their bad/sh*t behaviour.

 

BTW you sound far better off without someone like that...

[miami45uconn]

Eagle is exactly right. My ex had basically been lying to me that she still loved me and wanted to be together and when i told her my friends thought she was wrong and a bi**h she got upset. However since it was my first love and first break up i did the no no's and called her alot contacted her so that gave her EASY access to telling everyone i was crazy and that is why she broke up with me and turnd it all around on me when she was the one who broke my heart and basically tied me up to then cut me off. Just like someone told me though, EVERY DOG HAS THERE DAY. He will get whats coming for him.

[EllaDerSpin]

Definitely guilt.

[casey001]

WOW!

Thanks you have no idea how much better that makes me feel!!!! I keep blaming myself becasue of the things he said but I can realise now hes just doing it to cover up his crap treatment of me!

He was my first love and break up to so I made all the classic mistakes by contacting him and going crazy so now he tells everyone im screwed in the head aswell!!

Thanks heaps for your replies so far and please keep them coming

[casey001]

Eagle is exactly right. My ex had basically been lying to me that she still loved me and wanted to be together and when i told her my friends thought she was wrong and a bi**h she got upset. However since it was my first love and first break up i did the no no's and called her alot contacted her so that gave her EASY access to telling everyone i was crazy and that is why she broke up with me and turnd it all around on me when she was the one who broke my heart and basically tied me up to then cut me off. Just like someone told me though, EVERY DOG HAS THERE DAY. He will get whats coming for him.

 

This is great!! He tied me and up and broke my heart and then cut me off also! Thanks I dont feel so stupid now! And i love "EVERY DOG HAS THERE DAY. He will get whats coming for him" Honestly cant wait!!!!!!

[miami45uconn]

Yeah if you did things that maybe were definate no no's for break ups or said things you shouldn't have dont worry either you didnt know or you did and said what you felt. I guess more to my sotry if you liked hearing it...We were together for 2.5 years and i was always a guy who didnt trust girls alot just from friends experiences and kind of personal experience. However, one night we got into a huge fight and i felt like we should break up. So i told her i wantd to end it, this was around 1 year. I didn't love her like i did or do or whatever then, but that night she called my cell constantly over and over hoping id answer. Called my house over and over until i turned my cell off and left the house of the hook.

 

Then she proceeded to my house opened the garage door with the keypad and tried to get into my house, luckily the door inside the garage was locked. So then, she threw a tennis ball at my window for about 2 hours until i went nuts. Ha i guess either she was obsessed with me or she actually did love me. She must have been really hurt upset or didn't know what to do. So i never blamed her for it i knew everyone does crazy things when they are in love. And the point to my story is when i called her a bunch and maybe emailed her a few times, she made me look psycho. Even though i only did the same things she did. When we would have fights she'd come by my house to see if a light was on or i was awake when i wouldnt answer my phone.

 

So yes for about 2 weeks to a month i had occasiional break down nights mostly when i had been drinking and drinking when she was on my mind and i called alot. I never went to her house or anything like that. But she learned to hate me for doing the exact same things she did. Its really hard to understand things like that. They SEARCH for anything that can get them off the hook. Yeah it hurts but realize it really IS THEM and they really are jerks. I know its sooooo much easier said because im still blaming myself. And hope is always lurking in my dreams and in my mind when in realiy there is none. Good Luck if you really do love this guy and he really isnt coming back, your probobly in for one hell of a moth** fuc*ing ride.

[Taramere]

I have never been treated so poorly and I seriously did not do anything wrong. (By that i mean im not the perfect girlfriend but i NEVER cheated or bad mouthed him and I put up with alot and always tried to make it work)

 

So my main question is why do they act so nasty and cruel and blame us?

My ex partner always had an annoying habbit of blaming me for things (or not setting stories straight) just so he wouldn't look bad.

He not only did this to me but to the other ex gfnd aswell.

 

Your ex boyfriend must be terribly caught up in what other people think of him if he's prepared to tell lies (eg about you and the relationship) in an effort to keep their approval/avoid their criticism. That suggests he's weak, but being abusive to you during the break up maybe gave him a temporary sensation of power.

 

Personal experiences - my most dramatic break up. In the last few days, lots of very cold, abusive talk and behaviour from someone I'd never have expected it from (the stereotypical Sensitive New Age Guy).

 

One pattern I noticed while this extended break up discussion was going on was that the moment I started detaching from something particularly hurtful that he was saying (eg by picking up a book and reading) he'd become very apologetic and switch on the soft lovetalk. The first time he did it, I softened up immediately - and he immediately went back into cold, "nasty" mode. That happened a few times. Enough to convince me that he regarded himself as being in a power-struggle with me, and that winning that was infinitely more important to him than my feelings were.

 

If you're on the receiving end of someone behaving like that, and you find yourself thinking "I don't understand this, and I'm pretty sure I don't deserve it. Why's it happening?" then you should be pleased. Unless you've got a particular interest in human behavioural theories which would give you an additional insight into strange looking behaviour, experiencing that absolute bewilderment suggests that you're a normal, healthy individual.

[PinkRibbon]

It has been 5 months for me and my husband and I have talked to him 4 times and each time he has been mean, hateful, ugly, calling me names and putting me down. Rubbing how happy he is in my face basically making me feel like sh**. And he also says stuff that he is telling his friends about me. I don't understand the hatefulness either since he is the one that left me and threw me and daughter out of the house. I didn't cheat, look, steal or lie to him. So I am at a loss also and right now I am also really afraid to contact him anymore because I don't think I can take another barrage of hate from him.

 

You can stop loving me....that I understand...cruelty to someone I don't.

 

I just wish I knew if he was being mean because he has realized that maybe he made a mistake and has to justify himself.

[joybean72]

Got this off of another website it seems to make a lot of sense.

 

[FONT=arial]Nothing cranks a woman up more than going thru a drama-filled ending of her dysfunctional, pathological, abusive, addicted and/or sick relationship ONLY to find he rapidly moved on and now seems 'so happy.' Women tend to conclude it must have been 'her' and if he can be happy with someone else and not her, well then... it was some shortcoming in her and she needs to study up to figure out just what 'went wrong.'[/FONT]

 

[FONT=arial]Ladies, ladies, ladies... by now you have been reading enough of these newletters to be able to 'chant' the ABC's of Pathology I have been teaching you

 

[COLOR=#CC0000]Pathology Is [/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=arial][COLOR=#CC0000]The Inability To:

[/COLOR][/FONT]

• [FONT=arial]change and sustain a change[/FONT]
  
• [FONT=arial]grow to any emotional depth and[/FONT]
  
• [FONT=arial]develop meaningful insight about one's own behavior and how it effects others.[/FONT]

[FONT=arial][COLOR=#FFCC66]THE BEST PREDICTOR OF FUTURE BEHAVIOR IS PAST BEHAVIOR when it comes to a pathological. [/COLOR]

 

So what you have to ask yourself is how were his previous relationships? I don't mean what he TOLD you they were (all her fault, she was a psycho, sleaze, stalker or whack job) but what REALLLLYYY happened in them. If you developed a Relationship Time Line and wrote out all his relationships from his teen years forward AND the'quality' of them and why they ended, what would you conclude? How successful IS this man in maintaining healthy relationships?

 

Yup... that's what I thought.[/FONT]

 

[FONT=arial]How was his relationship with you? No, I'm not talking about the honeymoon cycle when both of you are living off of endorphins. I'm talking about the guts of the thing... the meat and bones of it. So, he has a history of his own 'Trail of Tears' -- a path littered with the lives of wounded women and children? Your relationship has left you as one more statistic of his pathological heart breaks.

 

[/FONT][FONT=arial]Now, there's 'HER' -- appearing all happy, snuggly and 'in love'! You see her as getting all the good parts of him you always loved and NONE OF THE BAD parts! After all, the reason you left him was all that BAD STUFF! Doesn't it make you want to call her up and tell her what's just around the corner in the relationship? Doesn't it make you want to curl up in a fetal position and cry that he has 'found happiness in the arms of another?' Doesn't it make you sick in the pit of your stomach or consume you with intrusive and obsessive thoughts about how wonderfully 'in love' he is?

 

[/FONT]

[COLOR=#CC0000][FONT=arial]STOP THE DRAMA! [/FONT][/COLOR]

 

[FONT=arial][COLOR=#00CCCC]Repeat after me:[/COLOR]

[COLOR=#00CCCC]"Pathology is the inability to change"[/COLOR]

[COLOR=#00CCCC]"the best predictor of HIS future behavior is his past behavior"[/COLOR]

 

So just what does THAT mean? There are honeymoon phases of every relationship. Lovers live on the high of the 'falling in love stage.' We already know that pathologicals don't 'technically' fall in love but they do hang around and experience some level of attachment. But, YOU experienced the whole endorphin falling in love sensation. Well, so is SHE!

 

[/FONT][FONT=arial]How long did yours last? A few weeks, months or maybe a year or two of ok-ness? What happened next? Oh yeah, you found out his lies or noticed his inconsistency, or asked him to work, or caught him cheating... once you confronted him then you got the narcissistic rage, then maybe the aloofness, or maybe he even packed up and left.[/FONT]

 

[FONT=arial]Guess what's gonna happen AGAIN? There will be the honeymoon for her, then she will notice his lies, inconsistency, ask him to work or catch him cheating, then she'll eventually confront him (or live forever with the miserable-ness of knowing what he's doing and not having the ovaries to confront him) and then he'll rage, punish her, reject her, ignore her and/or leave.[/FONT]

 

[FONT=arial] ~VIOLA~ she is now on his 'Stepford Wives List of Rejects'. She's one more tear on his 'Trail of Tears.' You haven't seen behind their closed doors to know what SHE's dealing with... he hasn't changed -- he's hardwired so she's going to be dealing with the same thing you did. It's just a matter of WHEN.

 

[/FONT][FONT=arial]If I were a gambling girl, I'd put my money every stinking time on the consistency of pathology and his inability to ever change in ANY relationship -- the previous one, yours, or the future ones. She's not getting the best of ANYTHING. She's you. And in a short time, she'll be another statistic. If pathology doesn't change, this relationship is wired for destruction.There are NO happy endings in relationships with pathologicals.There are no pumpkin drawn carriages, no sweet little house with three children... scratch that record! Stop attributing normal characteristics to a profoundly abnormal person.[/FONT]

 

[FONT=arial]Women spend all their precious emotional energy on obsessing about the quality of his relationship with the next victim instead of working on themselves -- using that energy for their own healing. They live in a fantasy world where they are deprived of this wonderful relationship and he is off living the life of a normal person.This fantasy does not end with "And they lived happily ever after." [/FONT]

 

[FONT=arial]Remember the last two weeks newsletters when I wrote that positive memories stay up front and are easily accessed and bad memories are put in the back and harder to access? This is the same thing... you put the positive fantasy thoughts of him being happy with someone up front and totally forgethow this horror flick is going to end. [/FONT][FONT=arial]

 

[/FONT][FONT=arial]Take a deep breath and snap back to reality... she hasn't got anything you haven't already gotten from him -- MISERY. If she doesn't have it right now, she will have it shortly.

 

Once you really 'get it' about the permanence of pathology you'll understand that his ability to be different in the relationship doesn't exist. If he was capable, he would have done the changing with you. But he didn't -- and he won't. Whatever exists right now is that honeymoon cycle until she realizes what he is and ISN'T -- and what he can NEVER be. Don't bother picking up the phone and telling her what he is and isn't. Just worry about your own recovery ... from this moment on, it's all about you!

 

 

 

 

 

Something else from that website:

 

[/FONT][FONT=arial]Last week we discussed 'Am I Who He Says I Am?' and looked at the ways that pathologicals project their traits and behaviors on everyone else and say it's 'them' instead of 'him.' That IS part of pathology...many different personality disorders DO that in relationships because it is a feature and a trait of pathology.[/FONT]

 

[FONT=arial]A lot of you wrote saying how that SO hit home for you and how you totally saw your pathological guy in that description. It stirred up a curiosity in you that just MAYBE those are HIS traits and not yours! I'm glad it opened a new window from which to see his pathological self view and world view and how he thrusts that upon others and labels them with his own disorder.[/FONT]

 

[FONT=arial]Many of you wondered if what you DO feel in the relationship is the'correct' or 'normal' way to react. SHOULD you have certain reactions to certain disorders or behaviors? The answer is a resounding 'YES.'[/FONT]

 

[FONT=arial]Normal people have very strong reactions when exposed short OR long term to pathological persons. In fact, it is normal to have these kinds of reactions and un-pathological persons SHOULD have strong reactions to abnormal behavior. That means you aren't pathological! I have the same types of reactions to pathologicals -- I have just had to learn over the years to containmy reactions for professional reasons (but still had some slips in which I totally would lose it with one!).[/FONT]

 

[FONT=arial]These types of reactions in you can be: confusion, frustration, anxiety, wanting to hurt them (slap them, verbally assault them and fantasies of REALLY hurting them). Some women have reactions of 'trying to help him understand himself better so she can alter his behaviors.'

 

Others believe what he says about her and start to judge her own behavior, character and history -- she truly begins to think SHE is the one who is sick and not him. She begins to doubt her own perceptions (well I guess black IS white and bad IS good). Her whole world view becomes distorted like looking into a carnival mirror where the world becomes wavy and crazy looking. [/FONT]

 

[FONT=arial]Others shut down completely and stop communicating because every word is turned back on her by the pathological. Some become paranoid KNOWING he is doing something and not able to prove it.[/FONT]

 

[FONT=arial]Long term effects are a complete emotional shut down, physical exhaustion with resulting medical issues, chronic depression and/or anxiety and an altered sense of self worth. Much like the elephant who only needs to bec hained for a short time before it thinks it can never escape and it never tries to -- women do the same thing. The emotional-operational conditioning by pathologicals renders normally strong and independent women into lobotimized rag dolls that don't move or respond as they have been trained 'not to.'[/FONT]

 

[FONT=arial]Outsiders who are around the pathological also have their own normal reactionsto his abnormal behavior. If he has children, they too have adversive reactions as does his boss, any normal family members he might have, the neighbors or anyone he has to deal with. It is normal to have BIG reactions to pathologicals. Even animals often don't like them! Come on now --- if a dog avoids him --- we should too![/FONT]

 

[FONT=arial]Then there are those of you who not only have had your training at the hands of intimate pathological relationships, but you have been trained in your youth by pathological parents. By now abnormal behavior must look and feel totally normal to you. The effects of pathological parenting are huge and set up reactions, behaviorsand world views that need intense treatment in order to set straight. (Luckily we now are offering treatment cycles for Adult Children of Pathological Parents --- next one isNov 6!). Either way you were effected -- by childhood or adulthood -- your reactions to pathology mean you are having NORMAL human reactions to something so abnormal that even the animal planet knows it![/FONT]

[carhill]

So my main question is why do they act so nasty and cruel and blame us?

My ex partner always had an annoying habbit of blaming me for things (or not setting stories straight) just so he wouldn't look bad.

He not only did this to me but to the other ex gfnd aswell.

 

Narcissist.

 

NC.

 

Sorry for your pain

[joybean72]

Sorry about that last post, I tried to edit the crap out of it, but it wouldn't lat me. lol:confused:

[carhill]

Yeah, with this site, if someone adds a post before you finish editing, the system locks you out. Sorry about that

[casey001]

:mad:Thanks Taramere,

 

In the last few months of our relationship it always became about who won and who didn't.

And yes he did used to tell lies to others or not set things straight just so he wouldn't look bad. There was a long phase of all his friends hating me because un resolved rumours and he never did a thing about it. It was always a competition to get people to like him better than me! He almost seemed to enjoy people hating me!?

But then he could also be really sweet if he wanted to! He would always tell me how much he loved me and give me little compliments all the time. (this was mainly during the 1st year, then he changed)

I just don't understand who he really is

The break up was so unbelievebly cruel and he did and said things that will scar me for life!

Its stupid but even after he treated me so bad I really still love and miss him Tho I wish I didn't He hates me now and wont talk to me and constantly goes on about how happy he is with his new gf over his internet pages. He reeeeeeeally ripped my heart out when he did this and he knew it yet felt no remorse or guilt, he couldn't have cared less.

 

Im glad to hear im normal and healthy for not understanding all this!

I kinda wish I did tho! Im totally heartbroken!

 

PinkRibbon: My heart REALLY goes out to you Ive been following your story and im so sorry :mad: I dont really know if I can say anything to make it better, but im always reading ur posts and crying tears with you

[casey001]

Sorry about that last post, I tried to edit the crap out of it, but it wouldn't lat me. lol:confused:

 

 

Hey Joybean that was awesome!

Whst is the link to the website? I really liked that stuff! Made me feel alot better!!

Ya i have done the NC thing but theres not much point as he hates me and wont talk to me anyway! Cant wait till this new gf finds out who he really is!!

Thanks again, and send the link to the website if you can!!

[casey001]

By the way , what is a Narcissist?

[joybean72]

This might give you some info into narcissistic personality:

http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER

 

Also the website I got that other info in my last post is called DangerousLiasons.com

 

Hope it helps you! Sorry you are dealing with that.

[joybean72]

This might work better:

 

http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2007/11/other-woman-now-hes-happy-with-her.html

[xpaperxcutx]

By the way , what is a Narcissist?

 

Basically someone who loves themselves and put themselves above all others.

[joybean72]

I posted this in another thread, but I think you might need to read this for yourself.

 

The Awakening

 

A time comes in your life when you finally get it... When in the midst of all your

fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your

head cries out - ENOUGH!! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And,

like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you

shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes

you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

 

This is your awakening.

 

You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change

or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You

come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella

and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings

for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin

with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

 

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always

love, appreciate, or approve of who or what you are...and that's OK. (They are

entitled to their own views and opinions). And you learn the importance of loving

and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born

of self-approval.

 

You stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't

do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say

and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always

about you. So you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in

the process a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

 

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are

and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense

of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.

 

You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is

as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your

psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how

you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you should

wear and where you should shop and what you should drive, how and where you should

live and what you should do for a living, who you should marry and what you should

expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children of what you

owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view.

And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the

doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin

with and in the process you learn to go with your instincts.

 

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and

glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely

as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

 

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals

of a by gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you

must build a life. You learn that you don't know everything: it's not your

job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish

between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning

to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry

and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

 

Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much

to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project

your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be

more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on

your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as

they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people,

situations and outcomes.

 

You learn that just as people grow and change so it is with love... and you learn

that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms...just to make you

happy.

 

And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely...And you look in the mirror and

come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and

you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how

you "stack up". You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings

aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of

entitlement are perfectly OK...and that it is your right to want things and to ask

for the things that you want... and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

 

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness,

sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. And, you allow only the

hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his touch...and in the process

you internalize the meaning of self-respect. And you learn that your body really

is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin

eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You

learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take

more time to rest.

 

And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time

to laugh and to play.

 

You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve...and

that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth

achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different

from working toward making it happen.

 

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction,

discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and

that it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn that the only thing you must

truly fear is the great robber baron of all time. FEAR itself. You learn to step

right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can

handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your

terms.

 

And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud

of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always

get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting,

good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that

God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life

happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state - the ego. You

learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood

and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe

that surrounds you.

 

You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You

learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for

granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full

refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you

begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise

to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's

desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.

And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every

wonderful possibility.

 

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand,

you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best

as you can.

[amaysngrace]

Basically someone who loves themselves and put themselves above all others.

 

I believe it's someone who does not love themselves and is incapable of loving others as a result of their own self-loathing.

 

They also lack a sense of self.

[carhill]

Echo, the hypervigilant becomes the mirror image of the oblivious Narcissus. He is untouchable; she eternally longs to be in his arms. He thinks only of himself and is ruthlessly selfish; she can only think of him and her self-esteem is fragile even unto her death. He cannot identify with others and so make their voices his own and thereby enlarge the range of his personality; she has no voice of her own, and is condemned to pale imitation. In attachment terms, both are anxiously attached: she clings insufferably to her object, he for ever keeps his at a distance.

Many others fall unrequitedly in love with Narcissus. Eventually one, in a crucial therapeutic move, has the courage to confront his tormentor (It is a 'his' - there is a suggestion of bisexuality throughout the myth, typical of some narcissists who in their grandiosity cannot be content with the love of only one sex):

'Let Narcissus love and suffer

As he has made us suffer

Let him, like us, love and know it is hopeless...'

 

 

 

http://www.freud.org.uk/narcissism.html

[casey001]

O wow I totally fell in love with a narcissist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And i mean REALLY in love! He walked all over me and smashed my heart! He did this to his previous gf and then made up lies that she cheated on him so he could look better for being such a cruel person!! (i know she didnt as I was friends with her at the time)

I got really sucked in didn't I!!!!

Like he really destroyed myself esteem with some of the things he said!

 

And just like other narcissistis he was absolutly wonderful at the beginning and I thought I had found the worlds most perfect man!!

But then all these traits came creeping in ...

When he dumped me and went straight for the next girl he said it was becasue I wasn't affectioate enough (along with many other reasons)

He thinks he absolutly great and has a mega ego onthe surface. yet very deep down I know hes very self concious! Sometimes I even worried he was depressed but then he would snap back to being the greatest thing in the world!

 

He also gets very angy when he does wrong or is critized for something and after about 6 months he didn't care about my feelings AT ALL. It was allllllllllllways about him and what he wanted to be happy. He never looked at ANYTHING from my point of view! even when he knew he was wrong!

And he tries to get everyone to like him best! All my friends HAD to like him best and he even made up lies about me to get them to like him better! He put me down alot also!

And if something did go wrong there was allllllllllllllways an excuse!!! It was never his fault!

 

So ive been ripping my hair out trying to understand why he changed! But i guess he never was that perfect man I once knew. He was this unstable narcissist the whole time!

 

Would you agree?

 

So why would I still love him?!

He moved on less than 24 hours after he broke up with me with no consideration for my feelings at all. Was very nasty and hasn't spoken to me since! Ive been utterly devastated, unable to eat or sleep and crying everysingle day!

Ive been in real physical pain and ive become really really depressed.

I dont understand why I would still feel this way even tho I know what hes like.

 

Im still sitting here thinking that maybe he is a great guy and IM just trying to find an excuse so I dont feel like everything is all my fault!!!

[joybean72]

I know it IS very difficult to bring yourself back up after they've beaten you down so far....but ONLY you can do it! I know, I'm trying to do the same getting over what my stbx husband has and is doing. Everything takes time. I had to apply the NC rule and that has helped a lot although it was hard in the beginning...it gets easier. Just remember this and say it over and over...everyday if you have to: "I was a whole, complete, confident person before him...I will be that again!" Be kind to yourself.

[mistie03]

Narcissist.

 

NC.

 

Sorry for your pain

Yes, I agree. That is narcissistic behavior.

 

My bf treated me like crap and turned very cold and blamed me when I confronted him. The relationship is now over, and I have been reading about narcissists. He has many of the traits.