soulseeker Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 At least once everytime we hang out. Why would he do this? Perhaps it should not bother me, but it does. I have told him this bothers me, yet he still does it. He also tells me he loves me and after I commented on his comments, has started telling me that I am hot and beautiful as well. I know he is somewhat insecure, and perhaps this is a way of dealing with that, but it is truly damaging the way I view him and our relationship. When we first started dating, he commented that I get "checked out all the time."
redsoxfan84 Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 It doesn't sound like he is insecure, it sounds like you are. My SO will make comments about other women being attractive. Sometimes it bothers me, sometimes it doesn't, it all depends on the circumstances and the mood I'm in. But, I've never really taken it to mean that he is saying they are better than me or anything. I think it's natural to find other people attractive, it doesn't mean you care less about your SO. The only thing that bothers me about your post is that you tell him you don't like when he makes comments like that and he continues to do it anyway. You need to keep telling him that, but at the same time I wouldn't take it personal.
carhill Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 He's trying really hard not to get laid? Seriously, reading your backstory, I think you might benefit from some IC to deal with past emotional issues. IMO, for a 32 yo male, he sounds a bit immature. I thought I was immature at that age but would never even think of saying some of the things you've posted to a lady I liked, much less loved. Talk too much and act stupid, sure Personally, in your shoes, I'd work on myself (less fear) and keep my options open.
Author soulseeker Posted February 22, 2008 Author Posted February 22, 2008 Thanks for your reply. Not sure what IC is, but if that is counseling, then yes, I am doing that. Just started last week, and I know I have some work to do. I know I am insecure about my looks. I pretty much always have been, but seemed to get over it a bit at 23 when I started to get hit on. I really let my last bf do a number on my self-esteem, and have been working hard to get over it. Current bf has said some pretty damn insensitive stuff (about past gf) that I cant bring myself to say here. I dont think my he is trying to be a jerk, but I dont have a really solid mechanism to gauge this with. Now I am over-sensitve to any comment he makes about another woman.
carhill Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 IC = Individual counseling MC = Marital counseling CT = Couple's Therapy I got the sense, from reading past posts, that current BF has a history of unloading zingers on you, without regard to your feelings, regardless of any emotional insecurities you might have. A gentleman just doesn't do that, especially if he knows you're vulnerable. Part of love is caring and empathizing, even if the love isn't "forever baby" at this juncture. Personally, I'd take a break and let the counseling do its job. Such probably wouldn't hurt BF, either.
Lizzie60 Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 At least once everytime we hang out. Why would he do this? Perhaps it should not bother me, but it does. I have told him this bothers me, yet he still does it. He also tells me he loves me and after I commented on his comments, has started telling me that I am hot and beautiful as well. I know he is somewhat insecure, and perhaps this is a way of dealing with that, but it is truly damaging the way I view him and our relationship. When we first started dating, he commented that I get "checked out all the time." I think that, sometimes, men have to be treated like a child.. they have to see the consequences of their actions.. If I were you, I would give him a taste of his own medicine.. Start commenting on other guys.. and see how he likes it.. sometimes it's the only way they understand.. they're not all 'intelligent'..
xpaperxcutx Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Your situation brought up some common relations on a book I'm currently reading, What Men Dont Want Women to Know. There's a section where relays how every men has a "secret garden". What it pertains to is that every man has secret fantasies, because it's in their basic instinct. So if your boyfriend is checking someone out, you can't expect him to turn a blind eye to it, unless he's gay. It's just harmless looking no need to get worked up about it. But it is very inconsiderate of him to actually tell you that he was checking someone out. He may just be trying to gauge a reaction from you. If anything you can always tell him that the guy that just walked past was pretty hot.
Trialbyfire Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 I haven't read your backstory so my opinion is strictly from your OP and comments on this thread. Do you ever look at other men and think they're attractive, while walking down the street?
Author soulseeker Posted February 22, 2008 Author Posted February 22, 2008 I dont expect him to not find anyone else attractive. Hell, I most certainly find other guys attractive. I just need him to cut way back on it for a bit. After his one comment about his exgf, at this point, when he makes a comment about another woman, I feel compared. My last bf told me, two years into our relationship, that he would never love anyone more than he loved his college gf. Current bf said something in a similar vain, or at least that's how I took it. Wasnt about love, though. Anyway, I felt like I was again in the situation where I wasnt good enough for a man in some way. It's hard to just let that go and chalk it up as my bf just being insensitive and not meaning it the way I took it. That's what he wants me to do. And now I feel like I cant talk to him about it because to make him understand exactly where I am coming from involves talking about my last relationship, and he wants me to be completely over anything negative about that relationship. He's convinced he is not bringing any residue into our relationship.
Author soulseeker Posted February 22, 2008 Author Posted February 22, 2008 I haven't read your backstory so my opinion is strictly from your OP and comments on this thread. Do you ever look at other men and think they're attractive, while walking down the street? Of course, but I dont point out to my bf that I think so. I dont expect him to be inhuman. I know some of his insecurities, but I dont point out other people on the street who arent, for lack of a better word, lacking in those areas.
Trialbyfire Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Of course, but I dont point out to my bf that I think so. I dont expect him to be inhuman. I know some of his insecurities, but I dont point out other people on the street who arent, for lack of a better word, lacking in those areas. Then get assertive. Tell him you don't want to hear about it. That you have no interest in other women's assets...unless he wants to hear comments from you about how well hung or not, you think strange men are, based on their front bulge.
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