Her love is gone?

[Tantedluv]

I need some advice and I think just to get it all out.

I have been with my wife for 5 years now (married for the last 2) She has a 7 year old son from her first marriage and I have done most of the raising sense before he turned 3. His real father and I got along very well but then about two years ago he died of leukemia, leaving me as my boys only father figure. I have relished in this roll and we are very, very close. In a lot of ways he is closer to me than his mom.

But as much as I love my son the love for my wife is as deep as I can imagine it could be. I have never felt as in love with any person in my life (I can honestly say my first wife of 9 years didn’t come close).

She is 10 yeas my jr. but it has never been an issue for either of us.

The problem all started about a year ago. I lost my job and decided to peruse photography full time. Then she quit her job and started modeling full time. My job as a photog never really took off and I didn’t make a lot of money for a few months. During that time I had received a modest amount of inheritance so we were able to make ends meet for a while. Then it ran out. I tried and tried to get my business to be more prosperous but it just didn’t take. All that time my wife’s new career was up and down as well. So I decided to look for a job. This took a lot longer than I thought it would and my wife assumed I was just sitting on my ass while she was travailing around the country. Then she met a guy in the industry that wanted to take her to a modeling event in Jamaica. I have always trusted my wife so it wasn’t going to cost her anything so why not. Well this one week trip turned in to three weeks away from home (she flew to San Fran the week before and home the week after all the while staying with this new friend). She still blames me for her being gone so long.

When she finally came home she told me she wanted to cut her losses, take her son and go to a bigger city. This devastated me. And as luck would have it I got a job with in two weeks. And it was luck, the job was better than I had hoped. It is with a very good company, I’m good at it and the pay is more that I have ever made in my life. Then came X-mass. Things went from cold as ice to worm and loving the more she did things with the family. (Family being us, my parents and siblings. She has nothing to do with any of her family…long story)

Then I take the kid-o to his real dads parents to spend the rest of x-mass vacation (4 hours away) on the 25th. Then she flies out on the 26th for another almost three week trip…..(longest week of my life, all by my self) And when she comes back we have to start all over again as she is right back to cold as ice. This time she stays home for almost 4 weeks and about two week in I tell her I can’t obsess over her any more and with in an 3 hours she tells me she wants us to be happy again….yea right……Things seem to get better she warms up a lot and makes comments like she is going to stay……..well then she goes on a new trip that was first suppose to be 4 to 5 days and then it turned out to be 14 to 15 days. This is where we are now on day 12. Yesterday we got in to a fight over a trip next month and she told me her love for me died when I let her down with no job and she and the boy would be gone in a month. I blow up and say “BY” and hang up on her…..what can I say I was pissed. I called back after I cooled down and apologized for hanging up on her….but she was just very cold of which I commented on. (I haven’t had a lot of practice fighting as we almost never fight) She them emails me and says she was sorry she was so cold to me and it would probably be better on the boy if she waits till summer to take him and move to a new city and that we’ll talk more……So here I am, I feel like I can’t push her to stay any more but I sure don’t want them to go. Oh and to top it all off at the end of the month will make it 5 months with out sex and we are both very sexual people. And no I do not think she is having an affair with this friend but he may be pushing her to get rid of me….

 

If your still here…. wow thanks for sticking with me. I do fill a little better having typed it all out and any input will be greatly appreciated.

[planeweird]

That's very sticky and I feel for you greatly.

 

I honestly hate to say this because you never really know, but my gut would tell me it's an affair. It may not have reached the physical level and then again it may have. Regardless, it appears that she is in fact getting some outside pressure.

The only suggestion I could make is to put your foot down. If she is saying to wait til Summer to move away, you have to sak yourself what her motivations are. If she making the statement that she is leaving soon, then you have to evaluate why she is delaying. What are her real motives for this. Don't let her use you for a more convenient solution. If she says she is gonna go and you truly believe she means it, then make her do it NOW. Don't let her have the control of going at her own pace.

Sometimes, a show of strength and self respect can do wonders for a problem. And if nothing else, you can feel better about yourself for making the first move and not letting yourself become the "victim." It's always easier to initiate a change rahter than having one forced upon you.

 

Good luck. I hate these scenarios. Act....don't react.

[Tantedluv]

Thank you very much for the reply. I don't think it has become physical but he is her best friend. And it used to be me...And I have told her that is the problem I have with him.

[Archer36]

I'm going through ups and downs with my wife as well my friend and I feel for you.

 

I'll tell you this even though I'm pretty much past wanting to try to patch things up with my wife, she never responded to me in a positive way when I tried to be too- nice/needy/sad/- acting.

 

She seemed to always want to be nicer to me when I just had fun doing my own thing, playing my guitar, dancing ddr (yes I dance ddr at 36 for some exercise) and just having fun with my kids. Act happy, make her aware that you would prefer to make a life together, but make her understand that you are not some needy dependant husband.

 

Disclaimer- Consider that you are taking advice from a guy who is barely speaking to his own wife right now!

[Tantedluv]

I think your right I get a better reaction when I'm not being needy but confident.

 

I'm thinking of telling her to go now and leave the boy with me till school lets out. This would let us say good by over time and he gets some money every month because of his father... this would also help me get everything in order so I can keep my house.

 

The down side is it would completely untether my wife to do as she pleases with no responsibilities.....What do you guys think?

[planeweird]

Truthfully, she will do what she likes no matter what. At least by making a choice for yourself now, you will get to retain some control over your own future and show her that you ARE indeed a strong and desirable man that won't put up with crap.

[Tantedluv]

Well she is coming home today..... and for the first time I'm not looking forward to it. she is still saying she is moving out. I know it's going to be painful and it's going to be hard to keep my cool. I have been the one that has taken care of the boy for the last 3 years.... I think I'm going to stop as soon as she's back....I'm tired of doing all the work and not have it appreciated at all by her.

 

Also this is the first time in my life I find myself thinking of suicide....Not enough to actually do anything but it's just a little disturbing I'm this down....

[jmargel]

Tanted.. she has you on a roller coaster and that is usually the case when an affair is going on. It doesn't matter if the affair is physical or not, an emotional is just as bad if not worse.

 

That being said, you have to push yourself from not allowing her to affect your own self-worth over this. Her immaturity plays a big role in why these things are happening. Until she accepts responsibility, shows empathy towards you and your son (yes he is yours), then things won't change.

 

Get the book 'Love must be tough'. You need to show tough love, not only show but live confidence. You have assumed the parent role in this parent-child marriage. She needs to take a notch up to an adult, so you can take one down to that.. That's the only way a marriage works.

 

When she comes home, let her know that you are going to counseling. That she is more than welcome to come but that you will no longer allow yourself to be dragged through the mud. That if she decides to leave, it must be now and it must be for good. Tell her in a calm voice, be distant, but show that you will welcome her back under strict conditions. These conditions mean that she is no longer to go on trips like this without you and contact with this OM must stop.

 

The issues are not with this OM, it's with her attitude and personality. If it wasn't this man, it would be with someone else. And she would have done this no matter who she married.

 

We wish you the best, and post here as much as you want. If you are having plans of suicide, talk to a doctor. Alot of us have been where you were at and made it through. We have confidence that you will as well!

[Tantedluv]

Thank you jmargel,

 

That was very helpful.

[Tantedluv]

I feel like such a loser....I know I'm not but damn! I have decided making her take the boy and leave would be using him to get to her and I'm above that. So she has another trip come Friday and will be gone for 12 days. Once back she will be home for 3 or 4 weeks then we will make a decision then if she stays or goes,,,She's pretty set on going though. But the boy will get to stay here till the rest of the school year.

[jmargel]

IMO you need to act now. Waiting is just going to cause more problems. You need to 'live' in confidence, put the ball in her court! Make her face the consequences for her actions.

 

She doesn't hold any value with you or the marriage because she is getting away with everything. You also have a right to your boy and I would consult an attorney. Her leaving for such long periods of time might be looked at as neglect by the courts.

 

Things won't change until you put things into motion.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Get everything in writing, dont trust a damn word out her damn mouth, she's a liar and a cheap ass no good woman, dont waste your time with reconciliation.

[Tantedluv]

Ok I have been reading The Devoice Remedy and it has really helped me see what I have been doing wrong in all this. So the wife is gone till the 26th and with the stand of we will see where we are when she gets back....

So I sent her an email today and at first I got a very good sign from her as she called me after getting it and thanked me for it:) And I'm walking on a cloud....

 

Here it is....

 

[FONT=times new roman,new york,times,serif] Hey baby,

 

 

 

I know how much you hate talking on the phone and how bad your connection sucks where you are, so I’m putting all this in an Email.

 

I have come to realize a few things as of late.

One is I have apologized over and over again for not keeping up my end of our financial obligations but after thinking about it I have realized the worse thing I did was that I did not listening to your warnings. You told me in no uncertain terms your worries and fears. And I chose to keep doing what I was doing with only minimal effort to change the situation. For this I am truly sorry. From now on I will work very hard to try and see your side more that I have in the past.

 

 

 

That being said I think I am starting to under stand your need to travel for your job. It is your job, and the nature of said job you need to hit the iron while it’s hot (and baby you are HOT). Also I have not seen your desire to get ahead and I have let my insecurities with you being away effect my judgment and this has caused me to nag and pester you not to do your job. This will now stop.

 

 

Now I would like to ask you for a favor… I would really like it if we could talk more than we are now. Be it by email or what ever. I would love to hear about your day etc.. How did the shoot with xxxxxx go?

 

But I know you get really busy when you’re traveling so I do understand that your spare time is minimal. So I won’t nag you if you can’t drop me a note as often as I would like.

 

Love,

 

My name

 

 

[/FONT]

 

 

 

But before the call is over she tells me she has signed up to shoot for a web sight and it is boy and girl and it's to late to cancel it..... This brought me right back down to earth. She tells me my email is just bad timing (which I see as it got to her) I tell her to please cancel as our marriage is worth it not to do it.... She then had to go and promised to call me tonight to talk further.... All in all I am happy with her reaction and if I can talk her in to not going in to porn I think we can make it.

 

 

Tanted

[Tantedluv]

Well still no call from her to talk more. I know she worked late last night so I'm just waiting on her to call me today.....I will not call her first but I'm going a little nuts waiting. I know I need to calm down but I feel like the clock is ticking.

 

Tant

[s_n_d]

I know how you feel. My ex used the same line... "My love for you died"

 

I still dont know what to make of it still. Sometimes I wonder if everything he ever said to me was a lie.

 

My cousin and I were talking yesterday (about our exs), and she brought it up that maybe writing a letter to my ex would bring me some closure (even if I didnt actually send it to him). She (like everyone else) was very shocked about the breakup since a week or so before we broke up was our anniversary and he wrote me this heartfelt card about how he felt about me and how i changed his life for the better.

I find myself wondering how someone can just lose their love for you in a span of a week or two.

 

Dont bottle your feelings up inside..Trust me, itll eat you alive.

Stay strong

[jmargel]

I'm sorry.. but unless you take my suggestion, those are the answers you are going to get from her. You are tolerating her behavior and giving her the green light to continue to do it more.

 

She has no value in her marriage to you because she does not respect you. The only way she can respect you is for you to start respecting yourself.

[Tantedluv]

Well my tactics seem to be working. I know not to look for giant steps but I know progress when I see it albeit small.....

Here is the email I got yesterday.

 

 

I have a few more shoots this weekend and also on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday of next week. Then after that I'm not shooting again until the 7th. My car is in Tampa but I'd like to come and visit at least for the weekend of the 29th and 30th. I miss Schuyler, I miss home, I miss my family and the longer I'm gone the more depressed I become. I'm in a whir of emotions, settling into my determination to leave forever then being pulled from it by my longing for what once was.

 

Would you be willing to pick me up from the airport and take me back?

 

 

 

 

Of course I told her I would but still waited a few hours to email her back.

[jmargel]

I keep saying, tough love. What I mean by that, is of course spend time with her that weekend, but now is the time to move on this. It's either she starts taking steps to change her life with you or that you are moving on. Otherwise this vicious circle will keep going.

 

It's advice I had to take myself, which is always hard to do. You are playing your cards, however you need to find resolution in this. Words are meaningless, what you need from her is action.

[Tantedluv]

Yes I know I have to put my foot down and say stay or go but that's a scary thing to do.

[jmargel]

If you don't, it's a guarantee that you will eventually lose her.