Unacceptable to discuss relationship problems w/ family & friends?

[WorriedOne]

Last night my fiancee was going through my email and found evidence of my earlier conversations with my parents and friend about how to deal with my disagreement over having children (I want them, she did not). She read my entire conversation, including the part where my friend states that she really likes my fiancee, but thinks she is not the one for me to marry since we disagree on having children.

 

Now my fiancee is incensed and has threatened to kick me out. She feels that I have violated her trust and that I acted selfishly in my own interest and that now she, my fiancee, will feel very uncomfortable around my family. I have reassured her that my parents still ADORE her but she insists that it doesn't matter and that I should not talk about our private lives with others.

 

I am trying to defend myself by stating that the soonest I could see a professional therapist was next week (truth) and that I was in a state of extreme distress and that I just need to talk to someone. She says that doesn't matter and that I can't violate our privacy like that.

 

How badly did I screw up? I feel horrible for her, I know she will feel a little awkward but my family is very understanding and can't wait to hang out with her again.

[carhill]

Sounds familiar. My wife's girlfriends likely know the size of my johnson but oh how I have to be careful about confiding in anyone.

 

My last and best faux paux was telling her mother that we were in therapy (she asked where I was going after I finished fixing her oven). My wife handled it well in therapy, but I could see she was displeased. I was actually surprised, since she was the one who suggested MC.

 

Unfortnuately, my mom's demented so I can't talk to her and my male friends don't like to talk about emotional subjects like relationship problems. Female friends have the risk for emotional attachment, so it's sometimes a lonely road if you're a man.

 

I don't think the OP screwed up. It's a serious issue and he sought outside counsel. Perhaps the issue, as I outlined above, was that the "friend" was female, so her opinion might be considered tainted due to perceived competition.

 

Definitely get some joint counseling. Much better now before you get married. Delay the wedding if you have to. Better to be clear and unified.

[corazoncito]

Well, I hope your fiancee learned her lesson about why people deserve a degree of personal privacy, even when they're in a committed relationship. She shouldn't have been snooping in your mail.

 

I don't think you should feel badly or guilty about what happened.

 

I think it's ok to seek advice from your family and close friends when you are making a huge decision like whether to spend the rest of your life with someone. It sounds like you were discrete, were coming to them for help on a specific issue, and didn't blab to your fiancee afterward that your family/friends don't like her. And it doesn't sound like your friend said your fiancee was a horrible person or that she disliked her. She just made the important point that two people getting married need to have compatible long-term goals. Having children or not is one of these issues where you both need to agree.

 

I think it becomes a problem when you run to your family/friends EVERY time a problem comes up. And if there is a major issue that is bothering you, you need to discuss it thoroughly with your partner first, before you consider going for outside help. But it sounds like you did talk to her first, and just needed some outside perspectives about your situation.

 

Hopefully your fiancee will think it over a bit and calm down.

[WorriedOne]

Just for the record, the female friend I talked to is someone who is dating my best friend and clearly not someone that I would be physically attracted to, even my fiancee would agree.

[WorriedOne]

 

Hopefully your fiancee will think it over a bit and calm down.

 

I hope so.

 

Right now she is screaming at me over instant messenger and insisting that I betrayed her trust and that I have "made her insignificant".

 

The tone of the email exchange between my friend and I was very complimentary of my fiancee, nothing was mean-spirited, and it simply concluded that we are two people in love who have very different life goals.

[Trialbyfire]

Your fiancée is out of line. Everyone should rely on their support network of friends and family. Do be careful about emotional attachments, as outlined by carhill, in reference to opposite gender friendships. Some people are capable of remaining a friend, while others can be quite predatory and selfish.

[blind_otter]

Your fiancée is out of line. Everyone should rely on their support network of friends and family. Do be careful about emotional attachments, as outlined by carhill, in reference to opposite gender friendships. Some people are capable of remaining a friend, while others can be quite predatory and selfish.

 

Agreed. People need support networks, period. What are you supposed to do, be completely isolated from friends and family?

 

TBH, this reminds me of an exBF I had. He always tried to isolate me from my family, especially. He was physically and emotionally abusive.

[WorriedOne]

She is prepared to end this relationship over this event.

 

This is the 5th or 6th time I've caught her reading my emails. I deliberately do not set passwords on my computer in order to build trust with her. But she still does not trust me apparently.

 

I love her so much but I think I might need to move on.

[Trialbyfire]

I would suggest the two of you also get some relationship therapy, so you learn to communicate effectively with each other.

[amaysngrace]

I know this really doesn't have much to do with anything but I agree with your friend's GF, the one you emailed your troubles to.

 

Your girl doesn't sound right for you. You should both be on the same page when it comes to starting a family together.

 

I think the right girl would maybe say "okay honey, just one though" or "can we adopt" or "can't we just get a puppy instead"

 

Marriage is compromise. If you really want kids you two should find a middle ground that you both agree to.

 

Her saying "no kids~end of discussion" is a bad sign. And so is snooping through your stuff.

[corazoncito]

She is prepared to end this relationship over this event.

 

This is the 5th or 6th time I've caught her reading my emails. I deliberately do not set passwords on my computer in order to build trust with her. But she still does not trust me apparently.

 

I love her so much but I think I might need to move on.

 

She sounds very insecure and controlling. These are traits that she may be able to work through with time, but she first needs to acknowledge this is a problem.

 

You need to think about whether this is something you are willing to put up with in the long-term.

[carhill]

Just for the record, the female friend I talked to is someone who is dating my best friend and clearly not someone that I would be physically attracted to, even my fiancee would agree.

 

She sounds very insecure and controlling These are traits that she may be able to work through with time, but she first needs to acknowledge this is a problem.

 

You need to think about whether this is something you are willing to put up with in the long-term.

 

The issue is not with the OP (this post is directed to him), but his fiance'. His physical attraction to the friend (or not, in this case) is irrelevant. It's the fiance's perception of the dynamic, even if innocent, which can conjure up all kinds of scenarios.

 

Personally I would not proceed without couple's therapy. Too many red flags here. I think, with adequate therapy, a plan of action or decision will become apparent.

 

Not being able to have children, I can understand the OP's concern with this topic. I wish him well

[amaysngrace]

Another thing too...does she expect to never come clean on not wanting kids? People are going to ask you if you are married. That's the way people are.

 

Even if it's something as simple as a comment "you two are going to make beatiful children" or something like that.

 

The topic will come up. Does she want you to lie?

 

Honestly it sounds like a double-standard. She expects you to respect her privacy but she can invade yours all she wants.

 

You sound like a very nice guy. There are some who prey on the kindness of others. She may be one of them.

[WorriedOne]

She has completely changed her mind on the kids issue. After 5 months of "maybe, if the time is right, but not now" she switched to "ok, let's try now" without much explanation. She seemed more loving and relaxed after reaching this decision but was annoyed when I asked what changed her mind.

[Ms. Red]

I hope so.

 

Right now she is screaming at me over instant messenger and insisting that I betrayed her trust and that I have "made her insignificant".

 

The tone of the email exchange between my friend and I was very complimentary of my fiancee, nothing was mean-spirited, and it simply concluded that we are two people in love who have very different life goals.

 

It's broads like this that will have a spaz fit if you keep something from them & call you a liar & complain about not being able to trust you coz you lied when you didn't tell them something...blah blah blah when it's just a defense mechanism for men to avoid the above tantrum.

 

(Yes, I meant to make that a run-on sentence to express my exasperation at chicks like her!)

[amaysngrace]

"ok, let's try now"

 

So are you trying to have a baby?

 

It seems like so much information is missing. Is she on the pill? Did she go off of it? How do you know for sure?

 

And why if she waited this long to have a baby is she willing to have one before the wedding...that doesn't make much sense. No girl wants to be pregnant and showing on their wedding day. Or maybe they do...I didn't like it much.

 

How do you know she doesn't just sense you are having doubts and now wants to use the baby card to "seal the deal"??

[WorriedOne]

So are you trying to have a baby?

 

It seems like so much information is missing. Is she on the pill? Did she go off of it? How do you know for sure?

 

And why if she waited this long to have a baby is she willing to have one before the wedding...that doesn't make much sense. No girl wants to be pregnant and showing on their wedding day. Or maybe they do...I didn't like it much.

 

How do you know she doesn't just sense you are having doubts and now wants to use the baby card to "seal the deal"??

 

She was on the pill until last week when her doctor advised her to get off the pill due to high blood pressure. I'm not 100% certain she threw them away, but it would be unlike her to be deceitful and say she did when she did not.

 

Until the events of late last night, we had planned on pushing up the wedding date to a few months out. We both thought our chances of conceiving between now and then was low.

 

How do I know she isn't using the baby card to seal the deal? I don't know. In fact, it was an unlikely, but possible move on her part.

 

For months she has insisted on not committing to having kids. Then, as our breakup becomes imminent, she flip-flops 180 degrees. It is not like her to use a kid to keep me around, but I can't think of any other possible explanations?

[corazoncito]

Please don't even consider having a child with her right now. Your whole relationship is up in the air right now.

 

Whatever she tells you she is or isn't doing, don't leave birth control up to her right now. Take charge of that for yourself.

[Trialbyfire]

I think both your behaviours need to be reviewed, which is why I suggested couples counseling. You shouldn't be pressuring her to have a baby and she needs to learn trust and respect.

 

I also suggest you not have a child or get married soon. Get communicating first or you're in for a rough ride.

[amaysngrace]

For months she has insisted on not committing to having kids. Then, as our breakup becomes imminent, she flip-flops 180 degrees. It is not like her to use a kid to keep me around, but I can't think of any other possible explanations?

 

Yes please be responsible for using birth control. When women go off of the pill many become very fertile very quickly.

 

She sounds like a major biotch. And she also sounds like she has an agenda. When you questioned her about changing her mind on kids she became annoyed.

 

How long have you two been together and was it always this way or has she changed from wonderful to creepy and back to wonderful again?

 

I think you should do yourself a favor and google either domestic violence or abuse in relationships and see if anything rings a bell. Please.