LosingMyDreamGirl Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 I have been separated from my ex-wife now for almost 7 months and divorced for a month now. The emotional part of our relationship pretty much dissolved 8 1/2 months ago and a year ago is when she cheated on me. I feel like I have had time. I feel like I am ready to move on. People tell me I will know WHEN I have moved on, the thing is, for the most part, I feel like I have. My biggest question is HOW do I move on? HOW do I make it to where it doesn't hurt? There are days I can think of a particular thing and it rolls off my back. It makes no difference to how I feel and does not change my mood, but other days (much like this week), those things just tear me up inside. It makes me angry and vindictive. It makes me want to yell and scream at her for what she has done and how she has changed my son's (and my) life forever. HOW do I let go of this? I do not care what happens to her anymore. I only want her physical well-being for my son's sake. I do not care if she is successful or happy. I do not care if she finds true love or is alone on her couch with her (our) dog. I do not care. All I want is to know HOW the thought of her will never effect me again? HOW?
dgiirl Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 All I want is to know HOW the thought of her will never effect me again? HOW? Seems like you've successfully achieved indifference towards her, which is a great first step. The few signs of anger still mean that her actions hurt you, and you are still wanting compensation. You want validation that you've been wronged. You want her to be punished or hurt the way she hurt you. But holding on to that anger is not punishing her! Here she is, probably completely unaware of your angry thoughts towards her, at least not thinking of it anywhere near as much as you are while you are angry. So she could be having a really great day while you are stewing over your angry thoughts, all tense and upset. By holding onto the anger, you are only punishing yourself. Seems pretty illogical to me. The next step, and soooo much harder, is working towards forgiveness. Remember, forgiveness is not condoning her actions and saying what she did to you is all right. In fact, you do not need to TELL her you forgive her. It's also not trying to make sense of the situation in order for you to forgive her. Forgiveness is for your own peace of mind. It's for those times when the anger seems to pop up again, you can forgive her for the pain she's caused (knowingly or not), so you can move on, so you can let go of the anger. It's very difficult at first, but will definitely bring you a sense of peace for those moments where you slip. Just say to yourself "I forgive her". "I forgive her for the pain she caused me. We're all humans and we all make mistakes. And whether she'll admit it or not, I know she made a mistake, and I forgive her".
Reckless Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 (edited) I was told by a good friend, when I was going through a period of feeling incredibly bitter and anger, and I worried that this would be the person I would "become", to accept that this was how I was feeling and to "embrase my anger". This freed me to feel and express my anger and have confidence that I would not be defined by it. Anger, like any other emotion is just that, an emotion, you have to consciously work to make any given emotion who you are. So I would say One: Accept that you have justifiably, a fair amount of anger left. (Remember that anger is simply a reflexive reaction to hurt and a self defense mechanism do dealing with pain). Two: Find a friend. Women cope so much better with anger because we express the pain that it sheilds, we are naturally more expressive and often have a network of close friends to whom we can express our feelings and thus gain a degree of relief. Men suffer in silence, get stomach ulcers and die early. Find someone (or pay someone. I meant a councellor not a prostitute .. although...) to listen to you. Verbalizing the anger and hurt - even here at LS will help the healing period. Three: Have faith. Believe honestly that you will not be defined by this period in your life. To illustrate, someone that breaks their leg and limps around with a crutch for a couple of months has no reason to feel guilty. If when he is healed he continues to use the crutch, there he has a problem because he is allowing a single incident to define who he is - he becomes the limping man, or 'the man with the crutch'. Use the crutch (anger) as long as you need to. When you no longer need it, let it go. Accept that what your wife did, she did; that the damage will have to managed but that you will not allow her actions to define how you see the world. Your love of your son should motivate you (you can become "the angry man that is his father" or a balanced, positive force in his life. Your call) to let go of the anger as soon as your healed. So breathe and talk through the bad days, don't deny how your feeling be angry, be hurt but remeber what kind of survivor you want to be in the end. Peace to you and Yours, Reckless Edited February 23, 2008 by Reckless
carhill Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 The hurt (and resultant anger) is valuable. It lets you know you're alive. It lets you know that you cared, care, and will care again. It's part of a process. Men do want to share their feelings. My experiences with other men who recognized my abilities to empathize with them have never failed to disappoint me. I personally think "keeping it inside" is socialized behavior. Men who express emotion are viewed as weak, and females don't desire them for mating. I know this from personal experience as a HSP. OP, if you're feeling anger and hurt, talk about it with friends or family. Be open. If they're uncomfortable, that's their issue and perhaps they're really not the relation that you thought they were. I've found, by cleaning emotional house, a true support system can emerge, one often very different than you thought it would be. If you find it hard to do it for yourself, do it for your son. He needs to see a man is a complete being, not some robot sent off to do society's bidding. I was lucky that my father understood that, not for him, but for me. Lastly, if you have had religion in your life and found it meaningful, it might be a good time to continue or renew your faith. The community which surrounds it can often be of assistance. IMO, after being in love for 10+ years (backstory here) and being married for 5+ years, this being your first true love, and given your age, I would expect it to take you 1-2 years to "get over it". It's like a part of you died. I empathize and wish you well
carhill Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 Forgot to add the HOW... How you will know is when you look into you son's eyes and only see the joy he brings into your life, joy that you are so lucky to have. You won't see the pain and hurt of the marriage/affair/divorce any more. It'll be a quiet place in your life history that you accept. Well, that's how it would be for me anyway
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