onmyownagain Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 If you and your wife/husband split recently for whatever reason and it seems to be a done deal. If they started to get seriously ill and started texting you about it and then said perhaps you should try again, would you go back?
blind_otter Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 If you and your wife/husband split recently for whatever reason and it seems to be a done deal. If they started to get seriously ill and started texting you about it and then said perhaps you should try again, would you go back? Nope. Not me. I would express my concern but that's about it. What's done is done, regardless of external circumstances.
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 I dont know, If she treated me like absolute garbage and dumped me. I would just laugh and stay laughing because she left me! But I would feel conflicted to feel empathy because as much as I would dislike her I wouldnt like to see her die. I mean if we ended things on good terms then I could help out but if she absolutely just destroyed me. It be real hard to even be around her again. You ever see Diary of a tired black woman??? Man that whole scenario was sick. It's a story about a scorned black woman who get's kicked out by her cheating ass husband and she finds out the mistress had his bab all on the same day. But get this after she gets on her feet, he gets shot and paralyzed and his mistress left him and took his bastard son and took all the money she could find. She goes back and help him but let's just say, that kathy bates in misery was nicer than she was. lol. But she didnt kil him, she had compassion for him. Go and see it.
Trimmer Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 Is this happening to you? Do you have kids? How serious is the illness? At a minimum, I think the possibility of helping an ex with/through the illness should be a completely separate issue from trying again with the relationship. Somebody take issue with me if you've got a counterpoint, but I don't see any connection between the two.
Nomad1 Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 Why would she want to try again now? Not out of genuine love for you, surely! She has probably realised how hard life can be as a single mother. Very few men with want to live with a woman and someone else's kid. When they do it seldom lasts very long. Clearly, you want her to be healthy to be able to look after your kid, so I would help her but with complete detatchment. There are lots of women out there with no baggage. You just need to focus your energy on finding one rather than your Ex. She made her bed, let her lie in it. Take care Nomad1
Author onmyownagain Posted February 23, 2008 Author Posted February 23, 2008 It isn't happening as such, she is ill and has texted me about it. She hasn't asked me to come back yet but I can see this happening in soon. She has texted a couple of times randomly about her health I think to make me worry. But in reality it has made me think perhaps I've had a lucky escape because I wouldn't have been able to leave her now. I left in January because I just couldn't go on, it was hell and sooner or later she would have asked me to leave anyway. Was feeling quite bad before but this has given me focus.
sb129 Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 Is this happening to you? Do you have kids? How serious is the illness? At a minimum, I think the possibility of helping an ex with/through the illness should be a completely separate issue from trying again with the relationship. Somebody take issue with me if you've got a counterpoint, but I don't see any connection between the two. I agree absolutely. You can be concerned and compassionate without getting back together.
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 I agree absolutely. You can be concerned and compassionate without getting back together. True, very much so. My exH is my primary caretaker. We are undeniably closer now than we have been in a long time, but there hasn't been any talk of getting back together. I guess the type of love that we share is more of a family bond than a romantic one - one that would allow this to work as well as it had. I guess it comes down to motivation. I didn't use my illness to try to get back with my exH and he isn't helping me in order to get me back. Some people do that, though.
sb129 Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 True, very much so. My exH is my primary caretaker. We are undeniably closer now than we have been in a long time, but there hasn't been any talk of getting back together. I guess the type of love that we share is more of a family bond than a romantic one - one that would allow this to work as well as it had. I guess it comes down to motivation. I didn't use my illness to try to get back with my exH and he isn't helping me in order to get me back. Some people do that, though. I am glad you posted here LB, I knew that you would have some good things to say on this subject.
Curmudgeon Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 IfIf they started to get seriously ill and started texting you about it and then said perhaps you should try again, would you go back? I saw her through innumerable major surgeries and medical problems over the course of 25 years but that wasn't good enough for her. I care about her because she's the mother of my five children (all adults -- four of whom have little if any relationship with her) but I certainly don't care for her. If she was at death's door and tried to get me back, even if I was still single, I'd offer heart-felt condolences, but she'd just have to die without me!
Author onmyownagain Posted February 23, 2008 Author Posted February 23, 2008 I saw her through innumerable major surgeries and medical problems over the course of 25 years but that wasn't good enough for her. I care about her because she's the mother of my five children (all adults -- four of whom have little if any relationship with her) but I certainly don't care for her. If she was at death's door and tried to get me back, even if I was still single, I'd offer heart-felt condolences, but she'd just have to die without me! I did the same for her over the years, but she has been iokay for the last few years when all the trouble we have had seemed to start. Only now we have been apart for a couple of months is she having trouble. Really bad timing on her part.
Curmudgeon Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 I did the same for her over the years, but she has been iokay for the last few years when all the trouble we have had seemed to start. Only now we have been apart for a couple of months is she having trouble. Really bad timing on her part. The ex was run over by a car while walking several months ago. I'm sure I was the last person she thought of for support which is as it should be. If I entered into her thoughts at all it was only for mercenary purposes. She used to have outstanding medical coverage through me and she would certainly like and benefit from my earnings, savings and investments that she can no longer tap into. Oh well!
Reckless Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 Periods of chronic sickness would not be a suitable time to repair the marriage as the emphasis would be on the health issue. H o w e v e r I think that friendship and/or a shared responsiblity for children as well as the fact that you are still married, would mean that you should do everything that is reasonably possible to help her through the period. Not moving back but taking the kids, helping with medical expences, rides to doctors if possible, even (depending on the relationship) providing moral and emotional support. Some couples eventually manage to be friends after a marriage breakdown and now might be a period to attempt that. No one can tell you where the limit is but I would say that crisis is not a good time to make major decisions.
Zolie Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 I wouldn't go back to him. But, I would definitely help him. If he needed me to care for him, I would. That would be fairly easy for me to do, since we only live about 10 minutes apart. Also, since both of us are still single, there are no SOs who would get upset at our friendship and caring for one another. Which brings me to a related subject. Anytime I see a post from someone who is upset because their SO is still connected in some way to the ex, I want to assure them there is nothing to worry about (usually). If I had a new man in my life, it has occurred to me that he could get upset that I still talk to my ex every week and that he even still calls me by his pet name for me. I can see how this would look to a new SO, but since *I* know for a fact that I have absolutely no romantic feelings for my ex, am actually repulsed by him, and that his calling me by that pet name is more about habit than still having romantic feelings for me, then *I* know there would be nothing to worry about. So, I try to tell people that when they might be upset about the relationship between their SO and the ex. Still, though, it would be hard for me to ignore my ex H's need for help. I'm not in love with the guy anymore, but I would still want to help him should he need it.
Trimmer Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 OnMyOwn... Do you have kids? This is where my philosophy of breaking down my ex into her different characters really helps. My spouse doesn't exist any more. I'm not really sure if I care that much to have her as a friend. But I have no question that I would go a long way to support and ensure the health of my kids' mother, and not just so there's a babysitter around, but for them - so that she can continue to make positive contributions to their lives as they grow up.
Author onmyownagain Posted February 24, 2008 Author Posted February 24, 2008 OnMyOwn... Do you have kids? This is where my philosophy of breaking down my ex into her different characters really helps. My spouse doesn't exist any more. I'm not really sure if I care that much to have her as a friend. But I have no question that I would go a long way to support and ensure the health of my kids' mother, and not just so there's a babysitter around, but for them - so that she can continue to make positive contributions to their lives as they grow up. We do a daughter (11) and she is going to live with me every other week. Would be no problem to have her full time if required.
joybean72 Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 To try and make a long story short...6 months after I got married I found out my husband had cocaine problem....6 months after that, he was diagnosed with Hep C. I stuck by him through the year long treatments...a year after that found out about his first affair, stuck through that...a year after that, found out about second affair. We are now starting the divorce & he has moved in with the home-wrecking-skank whore and has been incredibly cruel & heartless to me in the process. He thinks he's "cured" from the Hep C so he still continues to drink & party. If he gets sick...it's HER problem now. I've already done it once...and for what?! Nothing...
marlena Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 (edited) I would visit her. She is, apart from being an ex-spouse, the mother of your children. I am sure your children would be happy to know that at some level their parents are civil and still care about each other as human beings. It would be a good and healthy example to set for your children. Being sympathetic and helpful does not mean you are working at a reconciliation. Marlena Edited February 24, 2008 by marlena
White Flower Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 Is this happening to you? Do you have kids? How serious is the illness? At a minimum, I think the possibility of helping an ex with/through the illness should be a completely separate issue from trying again with the relationship. Somebody take issue with me if you've got a counterpoint, but I don't see any connection between the two. I agree wholeheartedly. You can always help someone out of compassion but you don't have to reconcile over it. Two separate issues. Now how is the spouse's personality? Is this someone who is so needy that the thought of a reconciliation would foster a speedy recovery? Some people are like this. You could give the impression (not that I would go this route) that you're reconciling until they're better, then end it. But it's hard to say when I don't know either party's personality. If it were the wife of someone I know the latter route would have to be taken. Talk about needy.
White Flower Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 I would visit her. She is, apart from being an ex-spouse, the mother of your children. I am sure your children would be happy to know that at some level their parents are civil and still care about each other as human beings. It would be a good and healthy example to set for your children. Being sympathetic and helpful does not mean you are working at a reconciliation. Marlena Great post. Now, can you have a talk with my H, lol.
White Flower Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 I would help him through any illness he is the father of my children. But would I ever go back to him, Hell no! He decided I wasn't good enough for him, that is a decision you made and I don't see how you can change that opinion since you were so adamant about your dislike of me and the way I think, and act and dress. Those words are burned in my brain and you can't erase the hurt and pain. Plus I will never trust him again. I can take care of you, and not want you back. Hell, if I see the ow injured and in need of medical attention, I would help her. That's what God requires of me. You help people because it is the right thing to do, not because they deserve it. Excellent post! Good to know that BSs or any hurt person can still have compassion for others instead of hatred and indifference.
smileysmile Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 Onmyownagain.. Unconditional kindness and sacrificial love towards your STBXW and mother of your child. There are a few bitter and resentful people on here with ex spouses who may have hurt them. So each and everyone to there own. Go with how you feel. We all have an ex and a reason for parting from them. Many of us have children with them. My opinion is that if YOU hurt your ex and YOU were the cause of this break up where she left YOU and you have regretted the way you behaved and you have been been beating yourself up over the months etc then YOU owe it to them. If YOU broke there heart and there trust then YOU owe it to them even if they never want to reconcile with you because they couldn't chance YOU hurting them again. I say this because if you have read my story I am the the one who broke my STBXW trust. I hurt her to. Today, I picked my daughter up from my exes mothers house as she is temporarily staying there as her dad has been in hospital for 6 weeks and only a few days ago had major heart surgery. When my ex opened the door I was shocked. She is about 5 foot 2 inches tall with a slim body. Long blonde hair and blue eyes. Really attractive. Her hair was tied up and she was covered in cold sores. Her face looking pale and gaunt. She has naturally high cheek bones but her face shows a lot of strain. This is the first time I have saw her like this in all the 3.5 yrs I have known her. She tends to bottle everything up and shows a strong strength to the outside world. This is why I was so worried. She could see I was shocked and said "I know, its stress". I asked briefly about her father. And then took my D to the car, after saying my goodbyes and see you later. I had my D for 8 hrs. It is my STBXW birthday on Tuesday. I bought a card for her from our D and a small gift. I held my 15 mth D hand with a pen and wrote in the card so it looked like it was from her. Then put a hand print of D hand inside the card. Later, it was time to take D back and I briefly told STBXW about the day we had. Gave her D present to her and also gave £80 to her from me just to help her out. She gets a monthly maintenance from me and I can't always afford to give her this kind of money but I had it in my draw for a shower to be fitted in my bathroom. She may not need it. But it was to help her out. Unconditional kindness. She felt awkward taking it off me but I wanted her to have it. I also said if your mum wants me to look after D for a couple of hours this week as she goes to visit her dad then just give me a call. As she looks after D twice a week when ex is in work. That is 10.5 hrs each day and this is a lot for a woman in her mid 60s. I next have my D this coming Saturday. It shocked me to see her this way. It was worrying for her as her father had the operation a few days ago and the next 24 hours were crucial for his recovery. They are a close family and she thinks the world of her dad. If we were still together I would have been by her side through this worrying time. Supporting her. But I am not and I feel sad about that. No matter what happens in the future I will ALWAYS be there for her. She is the one I married and loved but I screwed up. She is the mother of our beautiful daughter. I am no mug. I won't be walked over. I just know if I hadn't hurt her the way I did, then she would have loved and stayed with me forever.
Curmudgeon Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 There are a few bitter and resentful people on here with ex spouses who may have hurt them. So each and everyone to there own. Go with how you feel. She is the one I married and loved but I screwed up. She is the mother of our beautiful daughter. I am no mug. I won't be walked over. I just know if I hadn't hurt her the way I did, then she would have loved and stayed with me forever. Does she know how remorseful you are and how much you want your family back? Clearly you're identified your fault, admitted it and are willing to address and deal with it. Is this soemthing you've spoken with her about? I sincerely hope so. As for those of us who may be bitter and resentful, please don't make the mistake of that leap of faith in all cases. Some of us are indifferent which is not an easy place at which to arrive. Other of us are also realistic in that we know the other person is toxic to us, and/or we to them, and we have no desire to revisit the relationship. Resentment requires caring and that's just not always the case, children or not.
Author onmyownagain Posted February 24, 2008 Author Posted February 24, 2008 Onmyownagain.. Unconditional kindness and sacrificial love towards your STBXW and mother of your child. There are a few bitter and resentful people on here with ex spouses who may have hurt them. So each and everyone to there own. Go with how you feel. We all have an ex and a reason for parting from them. Many of us have children with them. My opinion is that if YOU hurt your ex and YOU were the cause of this break up where she left YOU and you have regretted the way you behaved and you have been been beating yourself up over the months etc then YOU owe it to them. If YOU broke there heart and there trust then YOU owe it to them even if they never want to reconcile with you because they couldn't chance YOU hurting them again. I say this because if you have read my story I am the the one who broke my STBXW trust. I hurt her to. Today, I picked my daughter up from my exes mothers house as she is temporarily staying there as her dad has been in hospital for 6 weeks and only a few days ago had major heart surgery. When my ex opened the door I was shocked. She is about 5 foot 2 inches tall with a slim body. Long blonde hair and blue eyes. Really attractive. Her hair was tied up and she was covered in cold sores. Her face looking pale and gaunt. She has naturally high cheek bones but her face shows a lot of strain. This is the first time I have saw her like this in all the 3.5 yrs I have known her. She tends to bottle everything up and shows a strong strength to the outside world. This is why I was so worried. She could see I was shocked and said "I know, its stress". I asked briefly about her father. And then took my D to the car, after saying my goodbyes and see you later. I had my D for 8 hrs. It is my STBXW birthday on Tuesday. I bought a card for her from our D and a small gift. I held my 15 mth D hand with a pen and wrote in the card so it looked like it was from her. Then put a hand print of D hand inside the card. Later, it was time to take D back and I briefly told STBXW about the day we had. Gave her D present to her and also gave £80 to her from me just to help her out. She gets a monthly maintenance from me and I can't always afford to give her this kind of money but I had it in my draw for a shower to be fitted in my bathroom. She may not need it. But it was to help her out. Unconditional kindness. She felt awkward taking it off me but I wanted her to have it. I also said if your mum wants me to look after D for a couple of hours this week as she goes to visit her dad then just give me a call. As she looks after D twice a week when ex is in work. That is 10.5 hrs each day and this is a lot for a woman in her mid 60s. I next have my D this coming Saturday. It shocked me to see her this way. It was worrying for her as her father had the operation a few days ago and the next 24 hours were crucial for his recovery. They are a close family and she thinks the world of her dad. If we were still together I would have been by her side through this worrying time. Supporting her. But I am not and I feel sad about that. No matter what happens in the future I will ALWAYS be there for her. She is the one I married and loved but I screwed up. She is the mother of our beautiful daughter. I am no mug. I won't be walked over. I just know if I hadn't hurt her the way I did, then she would have loved and stayed with me forever. She texted me a couple of hours ago, obviously spoiling for a fight but I didn't bite at all. Even though sh is poorly she is still trying to cause trouble. She cak stick it up her arse. Would have been our wedding anniversary today so didn't want any contact, but there you go.
Laptop2008 Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 They are a close family and she thinks the world of her dad. If we were still together I would have been by her side through this worrying time. Supporting her. But I am not and I feel sad about that. Would she kick you out if you try to be there for her? Would she cused you out if you be kind to her while she was at the hospital to be there for her dad? Why don't you be there for her and do everything that a decent husband would do for her wife and the mother of his child and at the same time don't expect or demand anything back? After all, you're the one who messed up? Make up for it in other way without any expectation!
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