He's my boss and I fell in love

[Aoife]

Ella it's funny but the thrills ARE fun, but afterwards I get incredibly down...so much so I wonder if my mental health is suffering at times. Which - I've often thought about this!! I really do believe his job is the one thing he would want to hold on to more than anything, even above his gf and children in a way!! He's known in our org for being extremely ambitious, and he would happily sail me down the river to protect himself!! Yet....he's risking it to be with me!! My head tells me he is egotistical and even gets a thrill from the risk, but it is so easy to twist his actions round to make me believe he loves me!!

[Aoife]

I doubt his wife, mother of his children would feel that way. What he is doing is just as bad, he's in a more or less happy marriage and still cheating. That isn't honest, it's SELFISH. He isn't "decent", if he was he wouldn't be cheating in the first place.

 

What is it that you want out of this affair? Do you want him to leave his family for you? Or are you happy enough playing second fiddle, settling for less?

 

He asked me once what I would do if he left her and arrived at my door. I told him I'd give him a slap and tell him to go back to his family where he belongs. I really think I would, not because I don't want him, but because I couldn't live with myself if I broke up a family. Yet I act like this?? I seem to be careering wildly down a road I don't want to be on but haven't the courage to get off!!

[whichwayisup]

You have control over your life and choices. If you don't want to hurt his wife and kids, and don't want to mess yourself up in the process, be strong, get counselling and end it. Detach yourself from him, distance yourself from his life, from being "there" and being a friend to him. Do it for you, otherwise the rollercoaster ride you're on will continue.

[sb129]

He tells me he loves his gf and his kids, so I think if he's honest about that and not spinning the usual yarns that MM often do, then he is honest in wanting to be with me

 

How on earth can that be honest when it is a complete contradiction? If he really wanted to be with you, he would have done something by now, i mean its been THREE years..He isn't going to want to be with you exclusively now that he knows he can have his cake, eat it, and get away with it.

 

Ella it's funny but the thrills ARE fun, but afterwards I get incredibly down...so much so I wonder if my mental health is suffering at times. My head tells me he is egotistical and even gets a thrill from the risk, but it is so easy to twist his actions round to make me believe he loves me!!

 

Your mental health probably is suffering. Mine did. I ended up having a mental breakdown, and that was after the b*stard left his W for me. Waaaaay too much drama in the end. He ended up being terribly damaged goods. I'll take the easy life over that again any day.

[EllaDerSpin]

He's known in our org for being extremely ambitious, and he would happily sail me down the river to protect himself!! Yet....he's risking it to be with me!! My head tells me he is egotistical and even gets a thrill from the risk, but it is so easy to twist his actions round to make me believe he loves me!!

Its been three years. He has probably built up confidence that this is fairly safe, so long as it keeps going the way it is. Also, its as you said, an addiction. It doesn't mean that if push came to shove he would choose you.

All these things are tiny pieces of evidence to you that he cares. I'm telling you, it would be more obvious than that.

It's just my opinion.

[JamesM]

You talk so much sense James...I always wonder how this man who can be so great in so many ways can behave like this to his gf and the daughters he says mean more to him than anything!!!

 

You are his addiction as you have said. You provide the thrill and excitement in his life. Has he ever said that life is boring without you? That is because you make him feel excited inside. It is not just you but the FANTASY of you. Fact is...if the two of you lived together, then it is quite likely that you would never last. Both of you love the thrill, IMO.

 

....so I can't understand why I have such little respect for myself and other people's relationships when I have only had strong, loving role models!! My parents would be so let down by me if they knew.

 

Good question. What makes you stay with him? Have you had lots of men or very few? Are you afraid of an honest relationship where there is the possibility that you will need to commit as in marriage? Are you afraid of not making it?

 

I don't think I will ever love a man the way I love him.

 

BS! What the two of you have is not true love that will last for 47 years. You have an addictive infatuation. It is the thrill that consumes you both. I know the feeling well, and it is not love. Love is relaxing and enjoyable. Infatuation consumes every moment. Love is trust. Infatuation is insecure. Love means fidelity. Infatuation worries that the other will not remain faithful. Love is forever (hopefully), while infatuation is all for how we feel now. Love is giving, while infatuation is selfish.

 

I just can't bear the lies and deceit. Sometimes he can't...he calls it Catholic guilt.

 

I am guessing HE is afraid of getting caught more than anything. This has nothing to do with actual guilt.

 

Plus there is that fear in me that most men might be like this - if my wonderful guy can be like this, perhaps anyone can!! It's rubbish - my head tells me so, but having this affair has changed how I see people.

 

 

First, your guy is not wonderful when it comes to relationships. While he makes you feel wonderful, he does not really know what love is. He makes you feel wonderful for selfish reasons. I know he thinks not, but since has a GF and family that he is supposed to be with, his feelings for you are purely selfish. If he loved you, then he would not want to put you through this hurt and possible devastating loss. He loves himself.

 

I met a guy last autumn whom my pal set me up with - he was lovely, but it was over before it began as he just couldn't compare to my boss.

 

Another thing to consider...authority breeds infatuation. For ten years I managed a factory with about 200 people. During that time, a number of girls showed that they were interested. Why? Mainly because of my position. Fortunately, I was clueless as to those feelings. I was told that is because I was a guy. I never forget after one such girl left. One department manager told me that this girl said," How can such a good looking guy be so religious?" What an intelligent woman...why did we let her go? I guess she figured that I wouldn't start anything with her, so she didn't try. I asked this manager why she didn't tell me when the girl was still there. Her response? "I did not want you to be tempted, and I like your wife." She was truly a great friend. To this day I am thankful that I did not have a clue on most of these women, because I AM a guy.

 

My point...another reason why I do not like this "wonderful" guy. Like me, he has a position of authority. I understand where he is coming from, but he is not only forsaking his commitment to his GF, but he is abusing the authority that he has. People with authority know that it also carries responsibility. And one of those is not to take advantage of the position. He did. This is why he is so afraid of losing his position.

 

To you, part of his attraction is his authority. He appears so capable and confident. He is able to leap high buildings and tall mountains. Well, at least he commands respect. People look up to him. This attracts you more (IMO) than who he really is. It is incredible that such a man "loves" you, isn't it?

 

BUT...he should also be worried about a sexual harassment lawsuit. I know you don't plan on suing, but he doesn't really know that. And fact is...a woman scorned is capable of anything. We in authority are warned of that possibility. It can happen. You do not date subordinates...ever. This not only ruins our personal life, but it can ruin the company. This not only causes him to lose his job, but it can cause others to lose theirs, and the service provided by the charitable organization can be gone due to lack of funds.

 

Was his last affair a person who worked for him?

 

IMO, you should move on.

 

I am going to quote sb19. Good questions here to think about...

 

He is lying to his GF, the mother of his kids, his family, your workmates, practically everyone- what makes you so special that he wouldn't lie to you too? After all, how would you know? And what would you really do if you found out that he lied to you?

[sb129]

Right back atcha JamesM.

 

This:

 

What the two of you have is not true love that will last for 47 years. You have an addictive infatuation. It is the thrill that consumes you both. I know the feeling well, and it is not love. Love is relaxing and enjoyable. Infatuation consumes every moment. Love is trust. Infatuation is insecure. Love means fidelity. Infatuation worries that the other will not remain faithful. Love is forever (hopefully), while infatuation is all for how we feel now. Love is giving, while infatuation is selfish.

 

is bang on the money and describes my R with my exMM perfectly. It was horrrible. Dramatic, exciting, tumultuous, all-consuming, obsessive...... AND

selfish, dishonest, damaging, exhausting, terrifying, soul destroying, nasty...... and thankfully... OVER!

 

I now have the kind of love that James describes- relaxing, trusting, secure, faithful and giving. Its bliss! Sure its not 100mph edge of your seat thrills and spills very often, but my goodness its lovely in comparison.

 

And its so nice to be able to introduce your BF (fiance now) to your friends and family and it all be honest and open and everyone likes him and sees that he won't hurt me and his intentions are genuine.

 

Honestly Aoife- you may think this is love, but when you can make the comparison like I can (and I hope one day you can) you will wonder WTF WAS I THINKING???????

[Aoife]

James - when I first started at this org. I had just been horribly bullied in my last job (iI had been a teacher) by three men I worked with, including the Headmaster, so I thought all bosses were ruthless and evil when I met MM! That's why I despised him so much when I met him...but he spent sooo much time rebuilding my confidence as my line manager and you're right - I looked at him as if he was Superman!!! He totally changed my opinion of people in authority and built my confidence like no one had ever done before!! Plus, I have only had short term flings before I met him and I think I am terrified of commitment (and failing in living the kind of life that seems to come so easily to other women..marriage, children, paying bills, family holidays and so on...) so possibly I do want someone who is safe whom I can never really be with!! No one has ever told me they love me - no man I mean. I think I'd run a mile if they did, yet of course I long to hear it too. One day I think I MIGHT have the strength to walk away..I've applied for another position in my hometown - it feels like running away, or escaping to what I know, but also getting away from all this madness to something that's calmer and better for me.

SB - I would love to have a relationship like that, where he can take me to a restaurant or the movies and meet my family!! All I have at the mo is sneaky gropes, loaded looks across the boardroom and quick calls and texts in the middle of the night!! He never takes me out in case we're spotted by someone. I would love that.

[LakesideDream]

This one is very tough for me to comment on. Love is a powerful emotion, more powerful than any other save loyalty IMO. As of late I have learned that I am not competent to give advice or comment on Infidelity in general.

 

I do still feel I can comment when Children are involved. I could not disrupt or distroy a household where minor children are involved and at risk. It's to late in my life to hold my personal value or needs that high.

 

Please walk carefully.

[sb129]

One day I think I MIGHT have the strength to walk away..I've applied for another position in my hometown - it feels like running away, or escaping to what I know, but also getting away from all this madness to something that's calmer and better for me.

SB - I would love to have a relationship like that, where he can take me to a restaurant or the movies and meet my family!! All I have at the mo is sneaky gropes, loaded looks across the boardroom and quick calls and texts in the middle of the night!! He never takes me out in case we're spotted by someone. I would love that.

It is still possible you know. You CAN have all those things- its within your power.

 

Take care and good luck with applying for the new position.

[nadiaj2727]

Another thing to consider...authority breeds infatuation. For ten years I managed a factory with about 200 people. During that time, a number of girls showed that they were interested. Why? Mainly because of my position. Fortunately, I was clueless as to those feelings. I was told that is because I was a guy. I never forget after one such girl left. One department manager told me that this girl said," How can such a good looking guy be so religious?" What an intelligent woman...why did we let her go? I guess she figured that I wouldn't start anything with her, so she didn't try. I asked this manager why she didn't tell me when the girl was still there. Her response? "I did not want you to be tempted, and I like your wife." She was truly a great friend. To this day I am thankful that I did not have a clue on most of these women, because I AM a guy.

 

This is kind of a t/j, sorry, but I am really wondering, JamesM... you said you are glad the manager didn't tell you about the woman who wanted you back then because you were a guy after all. What would happen if you get a clue about a woman that wants you now? Since you're still a guy, does that mean that you would give in? I'm not accusing of course, just wondering what that comment meant, "because I AM a guy".

[carhill]

Since you're still a guy, does that mean that you would give in?

 

I took it to mean his ego and moral code wouldn't have to fight it out, causing stress and attention away from the job at hand, managing his department. He sounds like he takes his responsibilities very seriously.

 

I'll be interested to see what HE meant

 

I know I have had to deal with this and it can be distracting. Better off not knowing IMO.

 

Also, some of we males do pick up on those signals, even if well-hidden. Emotional energy

[EllaDerSpin]

Well I think he meant he didnt realise they were interested, because he is a man, and men dont recognise these things. Lets see whose right.

[nadiaj2727]

Ha ha, it's interesting that we all had different interpretations. I thought he meant that guys naturally want to cheat, and not that he would, but that he might want to. I was going to say that that could be the same for women too so I'm not sure what being a guy has to do with it. But I won't say that until I figure out and we all figure out what he meant LOL.

[JamesM]

I love it! Three people attempting to read my mind.

 

In a way, you are all right.

 

JamesM... you said you are glad the manager didn't tell you about the woman who wanted you back then because you were a guy after all. What would happen if you get a clue about a woman that wants you now? Since you're still a guy, does that mean that you would give in? I'm not accusing of course, just wondering what that comment meant, "because I AM a guy".

 

It does mean that the possibility is there. It would make it uncomfortable to be an impartial boss. I might want to make the woman like me more. I might want to encourage her admiration. Does it mean that I would start an affair? I would do everything to prevent that, but knowing that she is willing, it would make it harder. As a guy, I know my weaknesses which IMO does make it better. So, while I think I could start an affair, I believe that the reality of losing everything would stop me.

 

I took it to mean his ego and moral code wouldn't have to fight it out, causing stress and attention away from the job at hand, managing his department. He sounds like he takes his responsibilities very seriously.

 

I'll be interested to see what HE meant

 

I know I have had to deal with this and it can be distracting. Better off not knowing IMO.

 

Truthfully, this is better than I can say it. The opposite is true as well. Knowing that someone despises you as a boss makes it as difficult to be impartial.

 

It is an incredible distraction if a subordinate flirts. Even if a boss ignores it, he is going to be accused of favoritism if everyone knows that this woman is "in love."

 

Well I think he meant he didnt realise they were interested, because he is a man, and men dont recognise these things. Lets see whose right.

 

Agree. Some men do recognize these vibes, but I know I am not one of them.

 

So, in a sense all are correct. Knowing that a woman is after me even if she knows I am married makes me "worried" that I may be tempted, and then I cannot be normal with that woman. Knowing that she is "in love" with me means that I feel I cannot be impartial. And I do not recognize these flirtations very often..which is good for all of the above reasons.

 

Ha ha, it's interesting that we all had different interpretations. I thought he meant that guys naturally want to cheat, and not that he would, but that he might want to. I was going to say that that could be the same for women too so I'm not sure what being a guy has to do with it. But I won't say that until I figure out and we all figure out what he meant LOL.

 

It is not that all guys naturally want to cheat, but when the temptation is there and the desire is also, then it does make it a possibility. IMO it is better to prevent that opportunity. This manager helped me do my job by keeping information from me that would have made my job more difficult.

 

As I am not a woman, I cannot comment on whether women have the same temptations.

 

 

 

But the point of this thread comes back to the fact that this boss took advantage of a woman who finally had a man who treated her decent. He took advantage of her when he should have simply been kind and made her life better.

[JamesM]

I thought all bosses were ruthless and evil when I met MM! That's why I despised him so much when I met him...but he spent sooo much time rebuilding my confidence as my line manager and you're right - I looked at him as if he was Superman!!! He totally changed my opinion of people in authority and built my confidence like no one had ever done before!!

 

This kind of admiration I can detect in women. I am guessing that your boss took this to mean he could have you, and he took advantage of his position. I doubt if he was a fellow employee on level with you that you would have dated him.

 

This is a similar thing that can happen when counselors fall for patients.

 

Plus, I have only had short term flings before I met him and I think I am terrified of commitment (and failing in living the kind of life that seems to come so easily to other women..marriage, children, paying bills, family holidays and so on...) so possibly I do want someone who is safe whom I can never really be with!!

 

Okay, so have you ever considered counseling?

 

No one has ever told me they love me - no man I mean.

 

And he cannot do it either. He loves the admiration you give him. He loves the fact that you look at him like he is Superman. He loves the fact that you idolize him. I do not detect that he loves you as you deserve a man to love you.

 

One day I think I MIGHT have the strength to walk away..I've applied for another position in my hometown - it feels like running away, or escaping to what I know, but also getting away from all this madness to something that's calmer and better for me.

 

I don't think it is running away when you are in a toxic situation. My fear is that now you think there are two kinds of bosses....those that bully you and those that take advantage of you. Yet there are other kinds. There are bosses that treat you kindly as a friend and fellow worker.

 

One of my mottos was...so many people have troubled lives at home that it is our goal to provide them with a secure workplace with as little stress as possible. As a boss, I never wanted to be the one who made them afraid to come to work. I think I was and have been successful based on feedback. Perfect? No. But fairly consistent. And I know that I am not unique.

 

Move on, and find that special man who can love you and whom you can love.

[BettyBoop]

I barely know myself these days..I wonder how I am going to find the strength to leave though Betty - he tells me I'm his 'bad addiction'. He's mine too!!!

 

Aoife, you sound like a really sweet girl and, in spite of me having dealt with infidelity in my family, I feel for you.

 

I do know too what it is like to feel like a man is my addiction, to the point where your love for him makes you wonder what kind of person he turned you into - and how to ever get back into finding yourself. A part of me will always wonder how I could disrespect myself so much that I let him (an ex) hurt me.

 

You need to do what anybody on an addiction does...go cold turkey. Avoid him at work, change your cellphone number, if he suggests a date - go on a date with a female friend or go work out or go shopping! Do anything in your power to stay away from him. Start working on YOU, get to know yourself better. Perhaps some IC would help you figure out yourself better. It is tough...but like a fading addiction..it will become easier.

 

You're NOT running away by changing jobs - you're standing up for yourself and saying "No, I will not be the OW and #2. I deserve better and I deserve a single man who has morals."

 

Best of luck - you *can* let go. Just believe in yourself.

[Aoife]

First of all, thank you everyone for helping me - you have given me a lot to think about...not least maybe seeing a counsellor (I'm in Ireland in case you're wondering about the spelling lol) to talk through my fears and all that is holding me back, and to help me get past this. I was texting him again last night - he always texts me first, really late at night, just to pay me compliments really. I was sick yesterday and he wanted to know how I was. If I ever hope to go cold turkey, and not respond, I think I will need all the help I can get, especially when he is being kind like that!!

James, I think you are right - I do see bosses as either ruthless or, if they are men, maybe just waiting to take advantage!! Isn't that awful?? I hadn't even realised that!!

Betty, you were so kind to me thank you...I feel disgusted with myself for not stopping what I'm doing and seeing what I have turned into (deceitful and secretive and selfish) and I was a bit worried how people would react to me. I used to be a good person I think, until I started all this!! I haven't heard anything yet about the job I applied for - if I get offered an interview I'm going all out to get it!!

[BettyBoop]

If I ever hope to go cold turkey, and not respond, I think I will need all the help I can get, especially when he is being kind like that!!

 

I feel disgusted with myself for not stopping what I'm doing and seeing what I have turned into (deceitful and secretive and selfish) and I was a bit worried how people would react to me. I used to be a good person I think, until I started all this!! I haven't heard anything yet about the job I applied for - if I get offered an interview I'm going all out to get it!!

 

Well, I'll keep my fingers crossed you'll get to go on an interview! I think that would help boost your confidence. It doesn't make you a bad person to fall in love with a MM...but it makes you a *better* person to stay away from other women's men.

 

Something that seems to work with the cold-turkey part is to swap your MMs number in the cell phone for a friend's number. So whenever you feel like txting or calling MM - you'll call your friends instead. And delete his txt msgs if he sends any - don't even read them!

 

Or you can post here to keep getting feedback. We're all here to help!

[sb129]

First of all, thank you everyone for helping me - you have given me a lot to think about...not least maybe seeing a counsellor (I'm in Ireland in case you're wondering about the spelling lol) to talk through my fears and all that is holding me back, and to help me get past this. I was texting him again last night - he always texts me first, really late at night, just to pay me compliments really. I was sick yesterday and he wanted to know how I was. If I ever hope to go cold turkey, and not respond, I think I will need all the help I can get, especially when he is being kind like that!!

James, I think you are right - I do see bosses as either ruthless or, if they are men, maybe just waiting to take advantage!! Isn't that awful?? I hadn't even realised that!!

Betty, you were so kind to me thank you...I feel disgusted with myself for not stopping what I'm doing and seeing what I have turned into (deceitful and secretive and selfish) and I was a bit worried how people would react to me. I used to be a good person I think, until I started all this!! I haven't heard anything yet about the job I applied for - if I get offered an interview I'm going all out to get it!!

 

I kinda picked you were Irish- the name gives it away!!!

 

Don't beat yourself up completely- it takes two to tango, and your boss took advantage of your vulnerability too.

 

I am in NO position to judge you- I have been in a similar situation in the past, but I know that its possible to move on and find happiness, so good luck and I hope you do.

[Aoife]

Betty that's a great idea...I have friends I love who are always sooo supportive of me. Most of them have met MM, and they like him (they don't know about our affair...at least I don't think so) but they have all picked up on the 'chemistry' and I think our friendships have suffered a little bit...I hate that I can't be honest with them but he would kill me!! And I am soooo thankful I was sick yesterday and found this site...I feel like I am thinking a little bit more clearly than I have in a long time!! It has helped just to talk about it and everyone's advice has given me food for thought!!

SB - the more I read people's stories here and listen to what they say (like you) the more hope I have!! Maybe one day it will be ME giving advice here!!

[JamesM]

SB - the more I read people's stories here and listen to what they say (like you) the more hope I have!! Maybe one day it will be ME giving advice here!!

 

Hope is what keeps us all going.

 

And I do not doubt that you could give advice here. The experiences that teach you can be passed on to others who are or who will go through the same situations.

 

Stick around here, and become addicted like the rest of us. But we think THIS is a good addiction.

[Aoife]

yip I will!!!! lol maybe not so good when I start slacking off work to come here!!!

[nadiaj2727]

I love it! Three people attempting to read my mind.

 

In a way, you are all right.

 

 

 

It does mean that the possibility is there. It would make it uncomfortable to be an impartial boss. I might want to make the woman like me more. I might want to encourage her admiration. Does it mean that I would start an affair? I would do everything to prevent that, but knowing that she is willing, it would make it harder. As a guy, I know my weaknesses which IMO does make it better. So, while I think I could start an affair, I believe that the reality of losing everything would stop me.

 

 

 

Truthfully, this is better than I can say it. The opposite is true as well. Knowing that someone despises you as a boss makes it as difficult to be impartial.

 

It is an incredible distraction if a subordinate flirts. Even if a boss ignores it, he is going to be accused of favoritism if everyone knows that this woman is "in love."

 

 

 

Agree. Some men do recognize these vibes, but I know I am not one of them.

 

So, in a sense all are correct. Knowing that a woman is after me even if she knows I am married makes me "worried" that I may be tempted, and then I cannot be normal with that woman. Knowing that she is "in love" with me means that I feel I cannot be impartial. And I do not recognize these flirtations very often..which is good for all of the above reasons.

 

 

 

It is not that all guys naturally want to cheat, but when the temptation is there and the desire is also, then it does make it a possibility. IMO it is better to prevent that opportunity. This manager helped me do my job by keeping information from me that would have made my job more difficult.

 

As I am not a woman, I cannot comment on whether women have the same temptations.

 

 

 

But the point of this thread comes back to the fact that this boss took advantage of a woman who finally had a man who treated her decent. He took advantage of her when he should have simply been kind and made her life better.

 

JamesM, thanks for answering my question with such detail! You help me understand a man's mind (or at least your mind ha ha) better. I would say that temptation is *always* there for both committed women and men to have an affair. Each gets swept up into the attraction and ego stroking and attention. I'm really not sure how much gender has to do with it, as I completely related to a lot of the things you just said, and I'm female. But I think the most important thing to do -- which is exactly what you're doing -- is to recognize that the temptation is there but to remember that our commitments and our real love for our partners are much stronger and more important than any desire to seek gratification from a third party. Thanks for the time and honesty you spent in answering all of us.

[nadiaj2727]

Betty that's a great idea...I have friends I love who are always sooo supportive of me. Most of them have met MM, and they like him (they don't know about our affair...at least I don't think so) but they have all picked up on the 'chemistry' and I think our friendships have suffered a little bit...I hate that I can't be honest with them but he would kill me!! And I am soooo thankful I was sick yesterday and found this site...I feel like I am thinking a little bit more clearly than I have in a long time!! It has helped just to talk about it and everyone's advice has given me food for thought!!

SB - the more I read people's stories here and listen to what they say (like you) the more hope I have!! Maybe one day it will be ME giving advice here!!

 

You sound really strong and intelligent. I'm so glad you're ready to start living for yourself and what is best for you. I hope that you go NC and get him out of your life for good, and then that you will start giving advice here as a former OW who has learned a lot.