atc2410 Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 I'm curious to know who is on good terms be they the initiater or the passenger. If on good terms are you in contact? I understand NC is primarily for personal benefit rather than any kind of gesture to the other party but it's an absolute quandary to care for someone, be on good terms, know they are happy to be friendly and yet NC is maintained. It's all about distance understandably and of course friendship is not possible when one party carries emotions over from the previous relationship. I do miss my previous partner as much for the company as anything else. It's a shame to have to wait until any previous attachment is no longer a factor. By the time that occurs it would be weird to proactively seek friendship, if we even care to do so. I am on good terms by the way. Our last contact was friendly and cheerful. I wonder if I could just commence light contact and see where it goes. Has anyone gone down this path?
spookie Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 I'm curious to know who is on good terms be they the initiater or the passenger. If on good terms are you in contact? I understand NC is primarily for personal benefit rather than any kind of gesture to the other party but it's an absolute quandary to care for someone, be on good terms, know they are happy to be friendly and yet NC is maintained. It's all about distance understandably and of course friendship is not possible when one party carries emotions over from the previous relationship. I do miss my previous partner as much for the company as anything else. It's a shame to have to wait until any previous attachment is no longer a factor. By the time that occurs it would be weird to proactively seek friendship, if we even care to do so. I am on good terms by the way. Our last contact was friendly and cheerful. I wonder if I could just commence light contact and see where it goes. Has anyone gone down this path? I tried, for a while. It drove me insane. Whether conscously or not, I know I was constnatly seeking his approval. Only until I broke away did I start to see the world through my own eyes. However, I don't think what was right for me is right for evryone. And I do have regrets about having let him go. There are many what-ifs. I wish we could be friends.
BklynGuy Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 I've tried to be friends with several ex'es. It seems to me that one party always cares more than the other and prior issues always seem to arise. The last ex kept on seeking me out but didn't want to be with me, then did, then didn't. I was devastated by this breakup and it took me a good while to move on. When she came back, she slowly began making me feel miserable like I did when I was with her. I just decided the best thing for me to do was to close the door for good.
blind_otter Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 I had a bad break with my last ex. We were engaged and I basically told him to go back to the UK. Eventually we we able to be civil, even friendly, to one another...but I don't stay friends with ex's. It interferes too much with my current relationship and I don't feel the need to stay in contact with someone that I decided I didn't want in my life.
ibitealil Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 I dont stay friends with him but we r friendly if we talk and he answers friendly things if i text...but it always make my heart bumpy afterwards eventhough i dont wanna be with him..i always end up over doing the contact..such as trying too hard to look good in order to see if that affects him ...so for me better not to contact...his last words were..."im glad that u dont hate me...i dont hate u either...i m sorry for ur problems" (i had some problems at that time that was caused by him).. he obviously dont care if im doing well cuz it hurts him or he feels indifferent...so do i...
woodthorpe Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Yes, we are on good terms, but if we meet too often I start to want more and that spoils everything, and we drift apart again. If I could stop loving him we would probably be good friends. I'm getting there but it's been a long rocky road and at the moment NC is the best way forward.
s_n_d Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 I wouldnt say my ex and I are on good terms..We were initially after the breakup and eventually (I dunno when exactly it happened), we stopped talking to eachother. When we were on good terms, it was REALLY hard for me and I think it all happened for the best. Its been 23 days NC for me now. Not a long time but it has helped me alot.
ANGUISHEDandBROKEN Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Did you just see how vague everybodys response was? The only one that said it for real was Blind Otter. Everybody wishes to be good friends with their ex after the breakup... I DO TOO..... But lets face it, we´re probably looking for more right now, and any contact with them will only make us look needy and clingy and stupid.... We will be giving them exactly what they need....EGO BOOSTS... Forget the ex, move on, NC and one day you might be able to be friends with him when there are no more romantic feelings between the two. And remember, this will also only happen if you maintain your dignity and self-respect right now wich is by doing NO CONTACT....
Nomad1 Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Why out of the millions of people you could have meaningful friendships would you choose your ex. They are history that is why they are called Ex. In my case I have children with her, so I have to keep some kind of contact, but I will continue to keep it absolutely minimal. Better to leave the past in the past. There are so many people out there to fulfill that function! Take care Nomad
sedgwick Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Mine took off and stopped speaking to me. Oh how I wish we were in touch, but I couldn't handle a friendship with him. I'm still way too much in love with him.
dfreeman Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 (edited) This is a very sore subject for me right now - I can't even decide on whether or not I want my current ex as a future friend. Time will tell I guess, but cutting cords between us right now (including the almost unrealistic friend cord) is the only thing that seems to be helping me heal. In essence, I am using the notion that I don't even want her as a future friend to help me separate myself from this crappy feeling I have about this whole crappy thing. I would like to think that I am a good enough person to be a good friend to her, if for no other reason than to keep a good relationship with her daughter, but there are too many stumbling blocks that I see ahead. The biggest of these is the fact that she has a guy in waiting (a mutual friend, but not my friend anymore made a backhanded attempt to let her know that he would like to be with her again about 8 months ago)...if she goes back with him, I never see myself being friends with them. The second thing getting in our way is too obvious to overlook...she wasn't a very good friend to me while we were together. This obviously sucked because we were such good friends before we dated. This is going to sound totally selfish, but we're being honest and anonymous here, so I'll just say it...the only way I see myself wanting to be her friend is if I get 100% over her, move on to somebody better BEFORE she does AND achieve total indifference (almost to the point of pity) for her. Then, she might get the kind of unconditional love that I gave her before (and during the first 3 years of) our relationship. Edited February 22, 2008 by dfreeman
stepheine Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 I am on good terms with my ex. I really cared for him during our 2 year relationship and everything I did during our relationship I thought was for the best of our future. He just kept hurting me and telling me he didn't know if he loved me. I was so hurt, an emotional mess!! I loved him so much!! After being hurt over and over again I finally gave up on the idea of us but I still cared about him and wished him the best. So I cont. to put my feelings aside and maintain contact. its been almost a year now and I can say I have been his friend and he calls me his best friend. I have moved on and am in love with someone else and now he wants me back but once again we keep the boundaries of only friends b/c it can never work between us he hurt me to much to ever go back!!
Lizzie60 Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Yes I am still in contact with my last ex.. after over 18 months of NC.. We've been seeing each other for over 3.5 years now.. He's a sweetheart.. my best friend now.. With my first ex.. we are in good terms because of our son.. I'm in good terms with all my past bf's as well.. I have no enemies.. My very first bf, when I first separated called me last week.. he wants to see me sometimes soon.. it's been almost 12 years now... we kept in contact... I have never had a fight or finished a relationship on bad terms... never..
e.clipse Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 i only have one ex-bf. he and i are friends in theory, but i do not think we are in reality. the last time we broke up (it was an on-ff type of relationship), he was pretty upset and told me that i had been a lousy GF (), and that because of that, he did not want to be my "friend" or have any sort of communication with me. he inclusively went as far as to tell me that if he ever bumped into me while out, he would ignore and pretend to not know me. () all in all, he said he wanted nothing to do with me, no friendship, no anything. he came around on Valentine's Day, though, to bring me a new iPod; he bought one for me a while back, during a time we were together, but it was broken so he took it back . . . and decided to bring the new one on Valentine's. sigh. he also gave me a hand-made card that said that i would always remain his friend, even if the love had been taken away. so, i suppose that was his way of "taking back" what he said prior, about not wanting to be friends, even though the truth is that we are not "friends" at all. after all, a friend is someone you can talk to whenever, and out chats are limited to non-existent. thus, in theory we are friends. but the reality of it is that we are not. and i suppose i understand that; we can't work that way. so yes, but really, no. besides, i honestly don't want to hear about what he is up to these days. oh god no.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Before I've ever gotten into a serious relationship with my ex, I honestly don't believe in the fact that you can be friends with your exes. I still can't believe it now. But I guess I am working on it. I think the whole problem is that there are too much memories to overcome. I've gotten over it, but the fact remains, is how do you go about being friendly to a person you've been intimate with in the past? that's the hardest to get over with.
Author atc2410 Posted February 23, 2008 Author Posted February 23, 2008 So much comes down to how the breakup went down too. I'm actually close to my ex previous to my current ex. That breakup was arrived at calmly and mutually. Still painful but there was a meeting of the minds. When a breakup is one sided and you essentially have someone dumping the other it's a long road back to friendship, perhaps too long.
Trialbyfire Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 I'm still on decent terms with all my exes, even the ex-H. Time goes by and you stop caring, to the point of disinterest.
PrincessBOT Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 So much comes down to how the breakup went down too. I'm actually close to my ex previous to my current ex. That breakup was arrived at calmly and mutually. Still painful but there was a meeting of the minds. When a breakup is one sided and you essentially have someone dumping the other it's a long road back to friendship, perhaps too long. I definitely agree...
so_sad Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 I've made a conscious decision that I will never be friends with my ex. Not out of spite, but because I have seen his true colours and I don't want someone like that in my life. It's not the fact that he broke up with me, it's how he did it (breaking our engagement, staying in our house while I went to my parents, and generally being verbally abusive and awful much of the time since the breakup). He was the person who was supposed to love me and care for me better than anyone else, and instead he treated me worse than anyone has ever done. Why would I want to be friends with someone like that? I don't. I have a cordial relationship with my ex before the current one. As someone said, it comes down to how the breakup happened. In that situation, the breakup was much more low-key and less acrimonious. Still, we're hardly "friends". If we run into each other we quite happily chat, but that's about it.
flosslight Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 That was something I was doing now and I just recently came to the conclusion that I do not want to remain close to him. I told myself that if he wanted to be friends with me then he would have to be the one that made it happen. But nope, I messed that up. I called him up because I found his checkbooks that I thought he needed. Why he did not call me to get them I do not know. We ended up chatting on the phone though and it was nice. We are in the same club and the meetings were easier when we were being friendly. We end up bonding a week later because the kitten we got together was killed by a dog. I had already said goodbye when I moved out but it was sad. I told him that if he actually wanted to be friends he would need to make an effort. I meant that he would have to talk to me if we saw each other in person. Instead he randomly calls to chat and does not even realize that it is Valentine's day. I realized after a few interactions that I cannot be a close friend. After talking to him about it which turned into a very awkward conversation, it hit me that I do not want to be friends with him at all. I agree with Nomad1. There are lots of people out there who will be your friend who have not previously hurt you. I want to be friends with them. I also believe you can be on good terms with your ex without being a close friend. I also think it depends on the relationship and how it ended.
crystalapixy Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 hi. i was with my ex for nearly four years. we had a great bond, but he had a major secret he was desperately trying to hide and it was alcoholism. i didn't know about it until a year later and it tore him apart to remain sober in silence. we went through our ups and downs. i thought i was being a good girlfriend by trying to understand his issues, but it only made things worse. he took me being there for him for granted. he started seeing his ex behind my back and i could no longer tolerate being lied to about his drinking and his ex, so we broke up several times and got back together. when i finally ended for the last time, he didn't believe it was over because we would keep getting back together, so about a month later, i told him that i was seeing someone else (one of his co-workers)...he broke down and asked me to marry him and vowed he'd never drink or see his ex again. but i knew that was a lie and chose not to go back. as f*cked up as everything sounds, we are actually good friends now. he is living with someone else, and i am still seeing the same guy. we both talk once in a while. he claims he still has feelings for me, (which hurts to hear sometimes) but i cannot say i feel the same. all those years of lying and fighting, have caused me to not feel anything for him anymore. i have a love for him, but i am not in love with him. so yea, the point of this is that no matter how messed up things can get, people get can through it, you will be okay, and time does heal some wounds. it may take lots of time, but eventually everything will be alright. i wish you the best.
joybean72 Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 I'm not friends with lying, cheating, verbally abusive @ssholes...so no, I will NEVER be friends with my soon to be ex-husband!
smoochie Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 Mine took off and stopped speaking to me. Oh how I wish we were in touch, but I couldn't handle a friendship with him. I'm still way too much in love with him. Yeah, I am kind of in the same boat. Although I had an extremely horrible relationship ending conversation, I still wish we could have still been friends. I think one day we will though.
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