chenazah Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Hi guys, thanks for reading, my girlfriend has asked me to take a step back (we have been together for 3 months, although was a couple 7 years ago for 1 1/2 years). During this period of separation ie 7 years, she got married and moved to Spain. We got back together over this xmas whereby she was totally straight with me regarding being married and wanting to get a divorce (been split from husband for 1 year, although not gone through divorce) Considering that while we were apart i really (if im honest) never truly got over her and to some degree it took over my life, obviously she did as she got married. So having her back in my life has been great, she tells me that she hasnt been happy in her marriage and that im a totally different person and is enjoying being with me (she moved back from Spain as well). So i get caught up in all this ie making plans for the future, basically being there for her in whatever she wants to do. She goes along with all this and whatever nice things i am saying to her she says the exact same thing back. She has asked me to take a step back, which after a couple of days i understand is the best thing for me to do, give her some time to think. We obviously got excited, me with having her back and her having someone that she can trust. She is probably confused (because she has not closed off her past) and now im back and showed her that her life means so much more doesnt know what to do. Am i right? Hear are my problems: 1) Its damn hard to take a step back (only been two days and im a mess) 2) Is she trying to see if she can forgot about her past and move on with me? 3) Is she trying to see if she can get her past back and try it out again? Some other problems as well: I know that if i contact her i will be putting pressure on her, so i dont want to do that BUT we have a holiday booked up (3 weeks time) and i need to know pretty soon if i need to cancel it (i would lose £4700 if i do) I also do not want to be treated as a option for her, so its being really unfair on me as i have done nothing wrong and she holds all the cards. So i am also very confused because if i do one thing its wrong, if i do another its also wrong. To me, her family and her friends i am the best thing thats happened in her life for years so i just dont understand why she cannot let go of her past and look into the future with me? she achieved nothing in 7 years and all ive done is open her eyes up to what she could really achieve. Its just making me so sad that everyone knows this except her and that if she does make the wrong decision its going to be bad for her all over again. Everybody that i talk to has different takes on this (which is good), some of my friends say "tell her to do one, you have helped her so much and if she cannot see that your hear for the better then she must be mad, move on" My brothers say "give her time to have a think", but then how long? i want answers about whats going on, i dont want to be left in limbo again having my feelings messed around all over again. At the moment im putting a brave face on it, preparing myself if it does go the wrong way, which was something that i never done 7 years ago. BUT i know that if we do split again im going to feel utterly devastated because i know that theres not going to be a 3rd chance. Im just stuck in a real bad place at the moment. Any advice would be much appreciated, thanks
carhill Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 What caused the breakup 7 years ago? Observations: Too fast... Achieved nothing? Living is an achievement. I hope (sincerely) that those words never reach her ears or those who care about her. I could not imagine uttering them about someone I loved, regardless of their choices. She's still married (legally). Slow down. The answer to the question will be telling, IMO.
Author chenazah Posted February 22, 2008 Author Posted February 22, 2008 we was young and immature, she was into drugs and i wasnt, i was being frustrated by the way she acted. I agree living is an achievement, but i mean "things in life that you can achieve" ie driving license, good job, being academic and having goals" that type of thing. She has never done any of these and shes 27? To me its a waste of a life without these achievements but everyones different. I am just trying to show her that these can be done, being positive and supportive as it looks like to me nobody has before.
carhill Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Yes, I understand that but you're seeing her through the eyes of your experiences. I've been a victim of this (seeing "so much more" for someone I've loved). We all have our own path. How does she feel about her path? If the two of you are truly intimate, she will share this with you. It's important to really listen to her words. I did this, but often added a "but" in my mind, which was wrong. Acceptance is part of love. Thanks for the info about the past breakup. The history gives more meaning to current events. Does she feel that she's "worthy" of you? This is important, IMO.
Author chenazah Posted February 22, 2008 Author Posted February 22, 2008 I never looked at it that way and i think it probably goes back to being caught up in trying to impress her in a way, showing her that ive changed as well. The thing is that i cannot understand/get it into my head why she would want to go back to her past life? I understand that we all have our own paths but to me and others and her its been going the wrong way for a while. She has worked this out for herself and has also been committed in changing it for herself ie splitting up from the husband in the first place, moving back to London, getting away from that lifestyle. So to me if she has done these things then why go back? Ive done allot of listening over the last couple of months and really believe that she wants to change things, but why stop now? Does us planning and working together not show that she was moving on? ie she was revising to complete her driving test (i helped her by asking her questions), looking at cars that she could buy, updating her CV, looking for jobs on notice boards, booking up evening classes so she could get qualifications. Or maybe doing all of this has made her scared, like oh **** can i really do all this, ive never done it before so can i now. But then i was always there to help her out. I havent made her ever feel that im better than her or that she should be lucky to be with me, ive just been there for her whether things have been good or bad. I havent told her to do something and i havent got in the way of her dreams (she has allot). I know in the past and with her husband that she was (and i probably shouldnt let everyone know this) Mixed up in drugs ie husband quite a bit in spain, he was overpowering her, wouldnt let her do the things she wanted to do ie see friends, model, work. So knowing this and trying to get away seems to be the right move, right?? to me i think so.
carhill Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Again, sounds familiar and I can only say things will happen in their own time. Listening to you, my first instinct is that she may be a bit overwhelmed and some self-doubt might be creeping in. Asking open-ended questions like "how do you feel about this?" or "where do you see us in a year?" might be telling. Be sure to listen without the "but" I hope you get some other perspectives here.
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