Will this "rebound" really last??

[AngDre02]

I'm dating a guy who is going through a divorce. God help me; I'm not proud of the things I've done...but is it possible for us to make it through this and be together??

 

When we first met, he was a vendor for my company. I was recently engaged and questioning it and he was going through a really tough time with his wife (as he has been for the last 15 years). We really be-friended another and gave each other advice to pull through and give everyone second chances. As hard as we both tried, neither one of us was happy. We started having dinner whenever he was in town, and chatted on the phone a few times a month. Ok, so a year goes by and we're dating, he's moved out, my engagement's off, I was offered a promotion, (that happened to be closer to him) and we're building a life together.

 

Although he travels a lot and our time is limited, I plan on staying in my current job for at least another year or two and when his divorce is final at the end of the year, we hope to move into the same city together.

 

Our relationship, although maybe classified as a rebound, has been a rollarcoaster of ups and downs, but in the end it's each other's company that we truly enjoy. He'll drive 4 hours to see me on a Tuesday, only to turn around and drive right back to where he came from on Wednesday morning; and it's not like he's driving for a weekday "treat." We get in our sweats, open a bottle of wine and curl up on the couch and fall asleep in each other's arms. Always private and looking out for myself, I've learned to trust him let him show me that I can put my heart in his hand and trust that he won't break it.

 

Of course I know it's going to be hard because he has a 12 year old and his ex will always have to be involved. But she had no idea how to be a mother and a wife in their relationship, which is what drove him away after giving her many second chances. I get jealous and upset sometimes...and he's not a fighter...he'd rather walk away from the situation and I want to shout it out and then smooth it over. We've talked about that fact that sometimes he feels like I fight with him because deep down this isn't what I want. What I really want is to fast forward to Feb 2009 and put the mess behind us.

 

My whole reason for writing this...do relationships like this really work out?? With us, when it's good, it's good..but when it's bad, it's bad. Can we bypass all the bull**** in between?

[nadiaj2727]

I

My whole reason for writing this...do relationships like this really work out?? With us, when it's good, it's good..but when it's bad, it's bad. Can we bypass all the bull**** in between?

 

I was in a very similar situation (I broke it off with my fiance after I met xMM; xMM said he was getting divorced after 15 years of a bad marriage, etc.) and I know exactly what you mean about the ups and downs. I think that that kind of a relationship is fueled by secrecy, excitement, confusion, and the rush of doing something "forbidden." I don't know how it can compare with a real, long-term, steady relationship. I really feel it needs that kind of environment to survive.

 

I'm not saying that will be your case, but it was for me. I realized that love is not about "falling" for someone or loving how exciting and passionate they make you feel. At that early stage and under those circumstances, there is a lot about it that is all about each of YOU -- and that also leads to a lot of jealousy, insecurity and other traits that are associated with "immature" love. After time those intense feelings fade in a real relationship, and then some of them last because they have a good foundation and some of them don't. "Mature" love is about putting the other person's interests ahead of one's own and seeking the very best for that person even if it requires personal sacrifice. Real love is "standing there" for someone else in commitment, not just "falling into" it. I am not sure what stage/ level your relationship is at, but in my own opinion I think it's hard to have "mature" love during an affair... there are just too many extenuating circumstances.

 

In my case it didn't work out, I realized it was all a fantasy land facade and I had to break it off. But I had feelings for xMM that felt very real (although, looking back, I realize a lot of them were because he was my "escape" and it was me running away from my confusing engagement and stressful job, etc... so I can see how I confused some other feelings with feelings for him, and also got caught up in the excitement and the flattery of having someone who only wanted and desired me so badly). So it was hard and I don't envy you no matter which way this goes. Best wishes.

 

How sure are you that he is getting divorced? What steps has he taken?

[bentnotbroken]

Why would you say she doesn't know how to be a mother? Is this something you have witnessed or something that you are being told? And what is your definition of a bad/good mother?

[whichwayisup]

Has he ended his marriage or is this what he's telling you he's "going" to do by Feb 2009?

 

Yes, his ex will ALWAYS be in your lives because of their daughter.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Of course it can work. If both of you are dedicated to your relationship, if you can communicate openly and honestly (even the jealousy) and if you respect that he has a child and the wife and his children will always be in your lives...yes it can work.

 

It's difficult. I know because I'm going through it myself. Make sure you have a good level of trust and open your mind when it comes to his M. Try not to blame his wife - I think that is where problems start for you. If you can start to re-learn everything he has told you under the premise that they just weren't right together and BOTH parties were at fault for their marriage problems, then you're on a winning streak.

[AngDre02]

Why would you say she doesn't know how to be a mother? Is this something you have witnessed or something that you are being told? And what is your definition of a bad/good mother?

 

Let me re-phrase that. She didn't know how to be a mother and a wife at the same time. She's truly a very nice and kind person and has spent the last 12 years as a very dedicated mother. She relied more on her family to raise their son than she did on her husband. Her family had a very loose outlook on how to raise children. She was so busy complying with how they felt that she really didn't take the time to be a partner with her husband. She's a great mom, but she didn't know how to be the mother and the wife at the same time. And yes, this is something I have witnessed for the last few years...even before he and I started dating.

[bentnotbroken]

I sounds like he is jealous of the child. He can't handle being second fiddle to a child for what, a few years. Sounds like his problem, not hers.

[AngDre02]

I sounds like he is jealous of the child. He can't handle being second fiddle to a child for what, a few years. Sounds like his problem, not hers.

 

I don't really think it's a problem. Don't you think that if there are 2 people in a marriage, then both of them should share the responsibility of raising a child together?

 

Their son was born after she had preeclampsia and he spent 3 months in ICU on oxygen. He has some brain damage due to all the trauma and like most people in that situation, they require some structure in their lives to ensure that they lead the most normal life they can. His mother, the MM's ex, has been subjected to a live filled with a sister, mother and father who all have some kind of depression or bipolar issue in and around them or their family member. As far as raising a child, bedtimes, chores, being disciplined, and manners were never enforced in her family. And I've seen that first hand.

 

I don't think jealously of the child is an issue...I think it's more of wanting to be apart of a family who instills the same values is more of the issue. Parents should work together to raise their child and have the same values of discipline and love.

[AngDre02]

Of course it can work. If both of you are dedicated to your relationship, if you can communicate openly and honestly (even the jealousy) and if you respect that he has a child and the wife and his children will always be in your lives...yes it can work.

 

It's difficult. I know because I'm going through it myself. Make sure you have a good level of trust and open your mind when it comes to his M. Try not to blame his wife - I think that is where problems start for you. If you can start to re-learn everything he has told you under the premise that they just weren't right together and BOTH parties were at fault for their marriage problems, then you're on a winning streak.

 

 

Thanks for the advice. God knows I communicate the jealousy! I love his son dearly and will always welcome him into my life.

 

I think both parties are almost always at fault in a relationship when it's reached the end. It takes two people to build a relationship and if both aren't willing to fix it, then the blame can't be placed on one another.

 

I really hope it works out...and I wish you the best in yours!

[AngDre02]

I was in a very similar situation (I broke it off with my fiance after I met xMM; xMM said he was getting divorced after 15 years of a bad marriage, etc.) and I know exactly what you mean about the ups and downs. I think that that kind of a relationship is fueled by secrecy, excitement, confusion, and the rush of doing something "forbidden." I don't know how it can compare with a real, long-term, steady relationship. I really feel it needs that kind of environment to survive.

 

I'm not saying that will be your case, but it was for me. I realized that love is not about "falling" for someone or loving how exciting and passionate they make you feel. At that early stage and under those circumstances, there is a lot about it that is all about each of YOU -- and that also leads to a lot of jealousy, insecurity and other traits that are associated with "immature" love. After time those intense feelings fade in a real relationship, and then some of them last because they have a good foundation and some of them don't. "Mature" love is about putting the other person's interests ahead of one's own and seeking the very best for that person even if it requires personal sacrifice. Real love is "standing there" for someone else in commitment, not just "falling into" it. I am not sure what stage/ level your relationship is at, but in my own opinion I think it's hard to have "mature" love during an affair... there are just too many extenuating circumstances.

 

In my case it didn't work out, I realized it was all a fantasy land facade and I had to break it off. But I had feelings for xMM that felt very real (although, looking back, I realize a lot of them were because he was my "escape" and it was me running away from my confusing engagement and stressful job, etc... so I can see how I confused some other feelings with feelings for him, and also got caught up in the excitement and the flattery of having someone who only wanted and desired me so badly). So it was hard and I don't envy you no matter which way this goes. Best wishes.

 

How sure are you that he is getting divorced? What steps has he taken?

 

He been moved out for 6 months and they're working out their divorce agreement. It's tough because in Florida, it's a 50/50 state. She's never worked and he has a lot to divide up. Funny thing is, he doesn't want any of it. He says he's had the money and the lifestyle and it didn't bring them any real happiness. So if she wants it, he says she can have it all. She's used to going on cruises for Easter, Disney World for birthdays, and Europe for months in the summer. For me, I feel like he should fight for more of it, since it's his blood, sweat, and tears in that business. But he just wants to give her what she wants and put it to rest.

 

She has a masters in education and can teach, but doesn't feel like she should have to because he's the one who's leaving. I feel for her because her lifestyle will change...but she gets to keep the 4 bedroom house in the gated community and still drive the Lexus. I'm certainly not with him for the money, I have my own. But her reasons for wanting him not to leave are the wrong ones.

 

Anyway, I have no doubt this will see the end...it''s just frustrating getting there. And I often wonder if we'll kill each other in the process!

[bentnotbroken]

I don't really think it's a problem. Don't you think that if there are 2 people in a marriage, then both of them should share the responsibility of raising a child together?

 

Their son was born after she had preeclampsia and he spent 3 months in ICU on oxygen. He has some brain damage due to all the trauma and like most people in that situation, they require some structure in their lives to ensure that they lead the most normal life they can. His mother, the MM's ex, has been subjected to a live filled with a sister, mother and father who all have some kind of depression or bipolar issue in and around them or their family member. As far as raising a child, bedtimes, chores, being disciplined, and manners were never enforced in her family. And I've seen that first hand.

 

I don't think jealously of the child is an issue...I think it's more of wanting to be apart of a family who instills the same values is more of the issue. Parents should work together to raise their child and have the same values of discipline and love.

 

 

 

Yes, they should have the same values, about everything, including cheating.

[AngDre02]

Yes, they should have the same values, about everything, including cheating.

 

True, and for that I'm not proud. I'm not sure what your situation is, or was, and I apologize in advance if my posts fuel your fire. Like everyone else on here, I'm just trying to talk out my situation. I don't mean any disrespect to you and I'm certainly not justifying that what I did was right. I just want to be happy.

Edited February 23, 2008 by AngDre02

[bentnotbroken]

True, and for that I'm not proud. I'm not sure what your situation is, or was, and I apologize in advance if my posts fuel your fire. Like everyone else on here, I'm just trying to talk out my situation. I don't mean any disrespect to you and I'm certainly not justifying that what I did was right. I just want to be happy.

 

You haven't fueled any fire, and this is public board. You shouldn't apologize to me, you haven't done anything to me. I appreciate how you feel,but I am not the bs in your situation. And I think we all just want to be happy, I just can't do it at the expense of someone else. You have to live your life as you see fit, and you have to live with the consequences of your choices, just like we all do.

[nadiaj2727]

He been moved out for 6 months and they're working out their divorce agreement. It's tough because in Florida, it's a 50/50 state. She's never worked and he has a lot to divide up. Funny thing is, he doesn't want any of it. He says he's had the money and the lifestyle and it didn't bring them any real happiness. So if she wants it, he says she can have it all. She's used to going on cruises for Easter, Disney World for birthdays, and Europe for months in the summer. For me, I feel like he should fight for more of it, since it's his blood, sweat, and tears in that business. But he just wants to give her what she wants and put it to rest.

 

Okay I have some more questions for you.

 

Does she know he is dating you? Do his other family members and friends know? Do you two have a public or secret relationship?

 

If he doesn't want the money, why is it taking them 6 months and counting to work out the divorce agreement? Have they actually filed for divorce? (It doesn't sound like it but I want to make sure). If he really doesn't care and wants to give her what she wants, then what is there to work out?

 

I ask those questions for your sake, to make sure he is really getting divorced. I do have a bias because my xMM moved out and 6 months later had not filed for divorce. He claimed she was dragging her feet, but when I said, "Okay then, why don't you file?" his excuses came flying out and I realized that he was actually dragging his feet too

 

He finally told me he was waiting for her to accept the fact that they were getting divorced and to be okay with filing -- he even wanted her to file, which I thought was plain wrong since he was the one who had left for another woman (me) (which he hadn't told her about, of course). He didn't want to look like the bad guy so he was waiting for her to come around... which never would have happened. Plus he was not man enough to act on what he (said he) wanted. I was not about to continue wasting months of my precious time not just waiting on my love to file for divorce so he could be with me the right way, but actually waiting for his wife to accept this and file and not let him look like the bad guy. Uggggh it was an awful situation, totally frustrating.

 

Of course your MM isn't my xMM but I have read about how in general men are less inclined to get divorced because they feel a social obligation to their wife and they don't want to look like the bad guy, running off with a new/ younger/ prettier woman etc. Whereas for women, we are much more inclined to get divorced if we find a new partner (or otherwise realize we are unhappily married), and feel freedom and independence because of it! (I really think the reason behind this is that we women always look like the bad guys [gals] no matter what we do, ever since Eve we have been getting blamed for everything and there is just no winning-- we are either prude virgins or scandelous whores, so why not do what makes us happy? But men are always worried about what other people (i.e., men, LOL) think and they never want to be the bad guys).

 

Sorry to go off on my theoretical tangent!!! I'm just saying, be careful and make sure he is giving you the full story and don't let him drag his feet. If things don't add up (he just wants to give her everything she wants, but it's taking 6 months to agree), stop and trust your gut instinct.

[AngDre02]

Okay I have some more questions for you.

 

Does she know he is dating you? Do his other family members and friends know? Do you two have a public or secret relationship?

 

If he doesn't want the money, why is it taking them 6 months and counting to work out the divorce agreement? Have they actually filed for divorce? (It doesn't sound like it but I want to make sure). If he really doesn't care and wants to give her what she wants, then what is there to work out?

 

I ask those questions for your sake, to make sure he is really getting divorced. I do have a bias because my xMM moved out and 6 months later had not filed for divorce. He claimed she was dragging her feet, but when I said, "Okay then, why don't you file?" his excuses came flying out and I realized that he was actually dragging his feet too

 

He finally told me he was waiting for her to accept the fact that they were getting divorced and to be okay with filing -- he even wanted her to file, which I thought was plain wrong since he was the one who had left for another woman (me) (which he hadn't told her about, of course). He didn't want to look like the bad guy so he was waiting for her to come around... which never would have happened. Plus he was not man enough to act on what he (said he) wanted. I was not about to continue wasting months of my precious time not just waiting on my love to file for divorce so he could be with me the right way, but actually waiting for his wife to accept this and file and not let him look like the bad guy. Uggggh it was an awful situation, totally frustrating.

 

Of course your MM isn't my xMM but I have read about how in general men are less inclined to get divorced because they feel a social obligation to their wife and they don't want to look like the bad guy, running off with a new/ younger/ prettier woman etc. Whereas for women, we are much more inclined to get divorced if we find a new partner (or otherwise realize we are unhappily married), and feel freedom and independence because of it! (I really think the reason behind this is that we women always look like the bad guys [gals] no matter what we do, ever since Eve we have been getting blamed for everything and there is just no winning-- we are either prude virgins or scandelous whores, so why not do what makes us happy? But men are always worried about what other people (i.e., men, LOL) think and they never want to be the bad guys).

 

Sorry to go off on my theoretical tangent!!! I'm just saying, be careful and make sure he is giving you the full story and don't let him drag his feet. If things don't add up (he just wants to give her everything she wants, but it's taking 6 months to agree), stop and trust your gut instinct.

 

 

She does not know about me...we've been very careful so I'm not scrutinized as the "other woman." However, his friends and brothers, mother too, know he is dating me. His mom did the same thing to his dad when he was 4, so she's very understanding and knows the sometimes things happen. Since he's been moved out for 6 months, it's completely acceptable now for his wife to know that he's dating...but, I have no interest in getting comfy with her until it's final. I'm careful around work because his company is a vendor that my company deals with. Although, I know they have some ideas about us, we try not to make it public when he's in town to see my company. So in answer to your question it's a public relationship within his family and friends...and although I'm sure his wife supects he's dating, she does't know who I am.

 

The wife's family is absolutely involved in EVERYTHING that goes on. He's never really had a say in anything, from vacations, to parenting, to even what house they buy... Her parents and sister all live within a 1/2 mile radius of her and are treated for being bipolar or depressed. They're a little nutty...and her dad is the one who makes all of the decisions for his daughters.

 

 

 

My MM is on the road nearly 3-4 days a week for work. His busy time for being on the road is November through March. He's cautious because he knows as soon as the fire starts, it will only grow bigger. The father-in-law will be the ring leader for the divorce on the other side and right now he doesn't have the time to stop what he's doing. I can understand this because I'm familiar with his job duties and I respect this. He's in his office 24/7, weekends and holidays included. And I trust that when he slows down, he will dedicate some time to this divorce. I think he had the same outlook of obligation to the wife and family...but after marrying her AND her family, he realizes that he will never be able to make her happy. And as far as running off with the younger/prettier woman...this is why I don't want to become public with the wife yet.

 

 

I don't want to defend him and I don't want to sound blinded by all of this. Sometimes I am so fed up with this...I just want to throw in the town and leave. But we've come so very far and I see how he looks at me...I see how we aretogether and sometimes I just think that this is truly worth fighting for...at least for a little while longer. He knows my timeline and I have hope that he'll respect it. We'll see!