rockinghorse Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 i have been with "w" for 3 years. of those 3 years, we have lived together for the past year. i learned recently that he posted a listing on a dating website. tonight i learned he has already met someone and is planning to meet for lunch. i work 5 days a week and he works 3 nights a week; so, he has lots of time to "play". if- i did not know what was going on, i would be thinking that we had a wonderful relationship. i had been thinking just that, until valentine's day. that's when i learned he was on the site trying to meet someone. that's when i learned that he was sending roses to 2 other ladies. tonight, i learned, he has shared his email address and several emails with one of those ladies. he has asked her to lunch...while i'm at work!!! he calls her "beautiful" and tells her that he can't wait to see her. i do not blame her because she does not even know about me! (i would like to send her an email and let her know about me but what good would that do? if it wasn't her, it would be someone else, he would be inviting to lunch!!) my first question to all of you several days ago was, "how do i get him out of my house?" now the stakes are even higher. i really want to see with my own eyes, him mucking up what we have. i want him to see me and realize that i know about his games and that he has been caught. i would like to see some kind of "oh my god" expression in his eyes. i feel this would make it harder for me to second guess my decision of breaking up with him. now, i want more than ever him out of my house. i love this man but i can't trust him anymore. my mind is racing with hundreds of "what if's". how many other people have there been in the past 3 years? (has it ever been only me??) would he be foolish enough to bring someone into my house? he is such a good lier to my face while looking in my eyes! there is no way i can continue this "relationship". i think i am more disappointed than i am hurt right now. soooo very disappointed!!! he knows first hand the pain and disappointment that cheating causes. he has been on the receiving end of that pain!!! we both have!!! he promised he would never put me through that!!! what i would like to do is call him at work tonight and just tell him i want him out, but i'm afraid while i'm at work tomorrow he would destroy my house. i am in such a mess. i can't share this with my family or friends because they think he is wonderful. i don't want them to see me as the fool that i am or that i have been. why if he is so unhappy with me, can he not just tell me? why does he feel the need to lie and sneak around? i have got sense enough to know if he lies and cheats on me, then he will do the same no matter who he chooses to be with. i have read articles that suggested monogamy is unnatural. maybe i expected too much! in all of nature, there is only a select few species that practice monogamy. the human race is not one of them!! when we enter into a relationship, we hope that the other person has the same morals and the same ideas about committment as we do. we set boundries. we are open and honest about our hopes and dreams. honest about our fears. after time, we decide that this person is worth the risk to have the chance of lasting love. we give our all. most importantly, we give our hearts. i still believe in lasting love. mine is just not with "w" as i had thought only a few days ago.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Hmmm, most people start cheating after 10 years of marriage (when they become more roommates than lovers). 3 years is kinda early to know that he is advancing his desires to meet other women. I think you have trouble in your relationship and need to re-evaluate or make a break. I believe that monogamy is a dying art. Sad, but it works if you live til 40 but it's hard to think that you will be with someone for 70 or 80 years if we are living past 100.
Lizzie60 Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 why if he is so unhappy with me, can he not just tell me? he's probably comfortable with you.. it doesn't mean he's unhappy.. maybe he is.. but he wants more.. plus he's got a roof over his head.. he thinks you don't know anything.. he's a player.. I say.. take some time off if you can, and tell him that he has to leave the house during that time.. then change the locks.. If you think you're not safe, get a friend or a family member to be with you for the time he moves out. The most important.. DON'T let him know that you are afraid of him..
Lizzie60 Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Hmmm, most people start cheating after 10 years of marriage (when they become more roommates than lovers). 3 years is kinda early to know that he is advancing his desires to meet other women. I think you have trouble in your relationship and need to re-evaluate or make a break. I believe that monogamy is a dying art. Sad, but it works if you live til 40 but it's hard to think that you will be with someone for 70 or 80 years if we are living past 100. Oh wow.. I know men that have been cheating the first year.. or during the first pregnancy.. I even know guys that started cheating before the marriage..
Blue Eyed Brain Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Oh wow.. I know men that have been cheating the first year.. or during the first pregnancy.. I even know guys that started cheating before the marriage.. My bad. I tend to hear of men cheating after children or when they reach the age that they are becoming independent. I need to get out more!
Arch Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Most of society has lost any sense of values, commitment or duty. We will either regain our dignity or we will continue to spiral down into a self destructive path. Those who stay true to there commitments still exist, there are simply much fewer of them.
Lizzie60 Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 My bad. I tend to hear of men cheating after children or when they reach the age that they are becoming independent. I need to get out more! No...no.. you were right.. men do cheat when they get bored.. after so many years with the same woman.. but a lot cheat even during the first few years.. it's crazy.. That's why I do not believe in monogamy anymore.. it's just impossible and not realistic IMO.
Author rockinghorse Posted February 22, 2008 Author Posted February 22, 2008 so maybe i have had my head in the sand?! i am faithful while in a relationship. should i not expect the same? if i could somehow remove my heart from my sleeve, i could continue to be with him, but see other people. have i limited myself to so many other options?? wow!! now i have so much more to consider!
Arch Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Don't settle for someone who goes behind your back to **** some other girls, break up and move on. Also don't get the idea you should start cheating in relationships, just because one person is a liar doesn't mean you should follow suit.
carhill Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Something tells me this isn't new behavior. If house is indeed "yours", find out in your jurisdiction how he and his stuff can be properly removed. I wouldn't count on "oh, sure honey, my bad, I'll be out tomorrow". You're not married and have no kids together, so there's nothing really keeping you from this course of action, and NC, other than your emotions. Bummer I wish you well...
Author rockinghorse Posted February 22, 2008 Author Posted February 22, 2008 i agree...really, i do! revenge sometimes just seems easier then living through the pain and disappointment.
carhill Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Perhaps, but the pain and disappointment are still there and have to be worked through, in addition to any guilt from assumably violating one's moral code by revenge cheating. Easier? In the moment, definitely
sally4sara Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Do reach out to your family and friends. I understand how you will feel made fool of, but you're not the fool here. Your soon to be ex is the fool here. No one is going to admire how your ex behaved or his skill in deceiving you. If they do then they are neither friend or family. Consider any ties that get cut through this "spring cleaning" of your social house. And I would email his duped ladies on the side. They don't know what they're in for and it could burn him if they might have taken him in once he is homeless. This isn't your shame. Its his so don't you dare hide it for him by shutting your support network out.
vcrandom42 Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Oh wow.. I know men that have been cheating the first year.. or during the first pregnancy.. I even know guys that started cheating before the marriage.. My ex-BF was one of these...he cheated the entire way through his 5-year marriage, and also had stepped out on her while they were engaged. I never would have gotten involved with him if I'd known this...the the truth didn't come to light until afterwards. I was with this guy for 5 months, and found out he'd had ads on Craigslist and Yahoo (for NSA "nookie") the entire time we were together, and had been corresponding/texting with various women. Originally, he denied everything, but I had hardcore evidence, and my suspicions had been raised prior to that, when I saw local chicks sending him flirtatious messages on Myspace. I'm fed up with it...you think a guy's trustworthy and reassuring, and it turns out to be all smoke & mirrors. The more stories I hear like this, the more I think we might just have to change our definitions of relationships...I usually don't advocate lowering one's standards, but it seems like we're fighting a losing battle. I'd had several discussions with the ex-BF about whether monogamy was truly possible, etc...and he always played the moral high card, claiming that men who cheated were "cowardly and weak of character." He was so deep in denial it wasn't even funny. I'm really losing faith. I'm trying to remain optimistic...but it's hard.
sandflea Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 I've always believed in the "seven year itch" thing. It seems like after 7 or so years of marriage it's hard to fight off the ruts, the ho-hum every day, "same old" routine. I think that if you can somehow re-vitalize your relationship at that point, and not slide off the wagon, then you've beaten the odds. IMO it's totally fine to be friends, room mates, and buddies. The trouble is when you've become part of that dynamic - and the passion is dead. You gotta keep it real in a relationship. You have to pump up your partner, and yourself, and remain confident, attentive, and loving. Otherwise, why share the road? SF
Pyro Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 i have been with "w" for 3 years. of those 3 years, we have lived together for the past year. i learned recently that he posted a listing on a dating website. tonight i learned he has already met someone and is planning to meet for lunch. i work 5 days a week and he works 3 nights a week; so, he has lots of time to "play". if- i did not know what was going on, i would be thinking that we had a wonderful relationship. i had been thinking just that, until valentine's day. that's when i learned he was on the site trying to meet someone. that's when i learned that he was sending roses to 2 other ladies. tonight, i learned, he has shared his email address and several emails with one of those ladies. he has asked her to lunch...while i'm at work!!! he calls her "beautiful" and tells her that he can't wait to see her. i do not blame her because she does not even know about me! (i would like to send her an email and let her know about me but what good would that do? if it wasn't her, it would be someone else, he would be inviting to lunch!!) my first question to all of you several days ago was, "how do i get him out of my house?" now the stakes are even higher. i really want to see with my own eyes, him mucking up what we have. i want him to see me and realize that i know about his games and that he has been caught. i would like to see some kind of "oh my god" expression in his eyes. i feel this would make it harder for me to second guess my decision of breaking up with him. now, i want more than ever him out of my house. i love this man but i can't trust him anymore. my mind is racing with hundreds of "what if's". how many other people have there been in the past 3 years? (has it ever been only me??) would he be foolish enough to bring someone into my house? he is such a good lier to my face while looking in my eyes! there is no way i can continue this "relationship". i think i am more disappointed than i am hurt right now. soooo very disappointed!!! he knows first hand the pain and disappointment that cheating causes. he has been on the receiving end of that pain!!! we both have!!! he promised he would never put me through that!!! what i would like to do is call him at work tonight and just tell him i want him out, but i'm afraid while i'm at work tomorrow he would destroy my house. i am in such a mess. i can't share this with my family or friends because they think he is wonderful. i don't want them to see me as the fool that i am or that i have been. why if he is so unhappy with me, can he not just tell me? why does he feel the need to lie and sneak around? i have got sense enough to know if he lies and cheats on me, then he will do the same no matter who he chooses to be with. i have read articles that suggested monogamy is unnatural. maybe i expected too much! in all of nature, there is only a select few species that practice monogamy. the human race is not one of them!! when we enter into a relationship, we hope that the other person has the same morals and the same ideas about committment as we do. we set boundries. we are open and honest about our hopes and dreams. honest about our fears. after time, we decide that this person is worth the risk to have the chance of lasting love. we give our all. most importantly, we give our hearts. i still believe in lasting love. mine is just not with "w" as i had thought only a few days ago. First thing you need to do is get all the proof that you can of him doing what he is doing. Next thing to do is take him to court and divorce him. Its a shame that you are going through this with him. Monogamy seems rare in todays age, but it still does exist.
BalancenLuv20 Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Originally, he denied everything, but I had hardcore evidence, and my suspicions had been raised prior to that, when I saw local chicks sending him flirtatious messages on Myspace. Isn't it great how irresponsible people act on Myspace. How they don't stop to think for one second that there are an abundance of security holes and that virtually any1 can be able to have access to the things they say. I've found so many heartwrenching things my ex posted on there towards another guy and it was a major reason that my relationship was torn apart and I'm sure it's the case for countless others. Now I wont touch that site with a 10 foot poll, it makes me so sick to my stomach. Rockinghorse it doesn't sound like this guy is a winner. I would hurry and set the record straight and move on. Best of wishes I know it will be hard, but we're here if you need us.
LakesideDream Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 I was married for 25 years beginning in the mid 70's. Many of my friends married as well. I always believed that my marriage was something special because, whatever the problems in my marriage were during those years I believed that both my now ex and I were faithfull to our marriage vows. I was wrong. Of the many, undoubtedly over 50 married couples we met, and were social with over those 25 years, I knew of 4 that I believed had good faithfull marriages long term. While I might have been wrong (the 4 may have hidden their indescretions) the remainder were not faithful. Many of the men "hit" on my ex, some of the women "hit" on me. Almost all of them were caught in affairs and ended up divorcing. Some even divorced and got back together. It seems to me that the men / women "cheating ration" was about the same. Most men cheated outside home-work, meeting women in bars etc. Most of the women cheated with co-workers, or former lovers. Almost none of the people's marriages lasted more than a decade total. As an aside, my two young children discovered in 5th and 6th grades that out of 65+ classmates only two fellow students lived in their "original" families. All the others were either in "single parent" or "blended" families. And the truth be told, if I had known that my then wife had been cheating for 23 out of 25 years of our marriage, our kids would have been in single parent or blended families as well. BTW, I have lived a middle, upper middle class lifestyle my whole adult life, enjoying an adaquate lifestyle in generally upper middle class surroundings. So do I think "everyone" cheats... maybe not everyone, just the vast majority of the people I have known.
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