whichwayisup Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 Your parents have issues, some real serious issues...To threaten you and cut you off if you don't contact her back? WTF is that? I am sorry that you have to go through this.. What they don't understand is, it's YOUR life. At 25 years old, (crappy reason why though) maybe it's a good thing you're not going to live at home anymore. This will make you independant and self efficient, reguardless of what happens between you and your boyfriend. Age shouldn't be an issue, you're an adult now! If you love this guy and feel he is the one, go for it. Live your life..Just know that your parents have their hangup's and beliefs have nothing to do with you or their love for you. They are judgemental and live life by the book, no going outside the lines. If you go against them, they turn the other way..Instead of being happy for you, supporting you, meeting your new guy, being involved and part of your life, they've chosen to let ego and being right rule them. THEIR choice and one day they'll regret that. Sadly, there isn't anything you can do to make it better right now unless you give up the man you love...(And don't you do that!) Time is on your side...Eventually they will come around, they have to.
silktricks Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 Should I really cut my parents for dead and form my own family so to speak? Should I agree to a cordial relationship with my mother where we talk about the weather? I need to make this decision soon. I don't want to be hasty or regret this later on.... Your parents seem to be out of line, however, they are still your parents. If at all possible I hope you choose to keep as many lines of communication open as you can, while still choosing to be your own person. We all need to live our own lives, make our own choices and sometimes recover from our own mistakes. Best of luck to you.
curiousnycgirl Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 Should I really cut my parents for dead and form my own family so to speak? Should I agree to a cordial relationship with my mother where we talk about the weather? I need to make this decision soon. I don't want to be hasty or regret this later on.... Not sure what you ended up doing, but you need to recognize something - YOU did not choose this rift between you and your parents, THEY did. You most certainly can choose to be cordial, and that could be a start. It would also make you the bigger person. However based on the limitations that THEY are putting on the relationship, I would suggest you not be the one to initiate contact. Let them reach out to you, they are the ones that set the parameters of the relationship - let them understand that while you will never directly disrespect them, you are hurt by their actions. Also should they initiate contact and then begin to harp on your b/f - tell them very politely that their opinion is noted, but they lost the right to comment when they through you out on the streets. Please let us know how you are doing, I know how lonely it can be.
blind_otter Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 You can't blame it all on her parents for caring. Do you think they enjoy disowning her? Do you think they have having fun cutting off their blood, their daughter? Do you think they are having a blast not having her around. It's hard on them too; they have good intentions. She needs to recognize that. Her parents believe that there are certain lines you just don't cross and they believe their own daughter crossed that line. Do I agree with what they are doing? No. Can she really blame them for feeling the way they do? That's up to her to find out based on how she was raised. I don't think parents always have their child's best interests at heart. Sometimes they are speaking from a position influenced only by their own prejudice. My brother in law was disowned by his parents for marrying my sister. They are fundamentalist Baptists. My sister (and me) are of mixed race. They declared that "if God intended for the races to mix, he would have made them that way." They called my sister a "handmaiden of satan" and at family get togethers they would pray that my sister and BIL would get divorced and BIL would see the light and come back to his white family and marry a white girl. They threatened to show up at the wedding with guns. It was crazy. 10 years later my sister had her first child - a boy. He was born with blue eyes and blond hair. Suddenly my BIL's family wanted to be a part of the child's life, and decided to tolerate the existence of my sister. It still pisses me off to this day. My sister is a class act, and she deals with them gracefully and with kindness. She has never said a nasty thing about BIL's family, and allows them to have supervised access to her children. She even celebrates holidays with them. All you can do is hold your head high and live your life and do what's right.
nittygritty Posted March 1, 2008 Posted March 1, 2008 This is your life and you are legally responsible for the choices you make. But...Surely, you can see why any parent would be concerned when their 25 year old daughter lies about her relationship with a 47 year old divorced attorney with two sons and then proclaims to be truly in love with a great guy. Your parents have said that they will always be there for you but that doesn't mean that they can watch you make a potentially huge mistake. Its understandable that you would want your parent's approval but they don't approve. Unfortunately, your parents are trying to manipulate and control your behavior which may have caused you to react in a defensive manner towards the relationship, your adult freedom of choice, etc. Just don't make the mistake of rushing into marriage or living with a 47 year old man because your trying to get out from under your parents control. Be realistic about all of the issues involved because it is your life.
Author shoegal5683 Posted March 2, 2008 Author Posted March 2, 2008 Not sure what you ended up doing, but you need to recognize something - YOU did not choose this rift between you and your parents, THEY did. You most certainly can choose to be cordial, and that could be a start. It would also make you the bigger person. However based on the limitations that THEY are putting on the relationship, I would suggest you not be the one to initiate contact. Let them reach out to you, they are the ones that set the parameters of the relationship - let them understand that while you will never directly disrespect them, you are hurt by their actions. Also should they initiate contact and then begin to harp on your b/f - tell them very politely that their opinion is noted, but they lost the right to comment when they through you out on the streets. Please let us know how you are doing, I know how lonely it can be. I emailed my mother back and told her that I have always wanted a relationship with her. I also told her that just discussing the weather wasn't going to be enough for me. We have always had such a close connection before this. She wrote back saying she is sorry I feel this way and our relationship was obviously never close. Then basically she said have a nice life. Bye. Right now I am trying not to think about it. I have 2 more months left of nursing school and I don't want to screw up now. I have been immersing myself in school, work and having a good time with my bf and friends. Thank you for checking in. I hope someday my mother will change her mind. She knows my door is always open. For now, I can't keep pushing for something she doesn't want to see or hear. I just get myself upset and everything else in my life suffers.
Author shoegal5683 Posted March 2, 2008 Author Posted March 2, 2008 This is your life and you are legally responsible for the choices you make. But...Surely, you can see why any parent would be concerned when their 25 year old daughter lies about her relationship with a 47 year old divorced attorney with two sons and then proclaims to be truly in love with a great guy. Your parents have said that they will always be there for you but that doesn't mean that they can watch you make a potentially huge mistake. Its understandable that you would want your parent's approval but they don't approve. Unfortunately, your parents are trying to manipulate and control your behavior which may have caused you to react in a defensive manner towards the relationship, your adult freedom of choice, etc. Just don't make the mistake of rushing into marriage or living with a 47 year old man because your trying to get out from under your parents control. Be realistic about all of the issues involved because it is your life. Hi Nitty, You are right I did lie. I continue to feel that I had no other choice. Yes it was cowardly of me. If I had it to do all over again, I would not have lied. The end result was the same. I just hoped at the time that she was not serious or would at least change her mind. I was wrong. My bf is good man. Yes, he is divorced. Honestly, I would be more concerned if he was 47 and never married! My parents do not have to like the choices I make, but it would have been nice to not have to choose. As long as I follow their rules and plans I can continue to have a relationship with them. If I make a decision that they view as wrong then I am no longer their daughter? That seems more childish to me than anything I have done. I am 25, not 18. I have been independent before this very moment. The difference is that before I had their help (when needed) and emotional support. Being with my bf is not about rebelling. It is not about getting out from under my parents control. If that were the case, I just would have moved out and said see ya later. I never needed their money or emotional support. I just wanted to have my parents in my life. I love them both dearly. Also my bf and I are not about to rush into marriage. All I said was it had been discussed. Meaning, we care for each other so much that we wanted to be on the same page. We see this relationship as a long term thing and if things keep going as well as they have been marriage is in our future. Yes I can surely see my wrong doing in this whole debacle. Surely you can see my parents part in this as well. Tell me, would you have handled the situation differently? If you had fallen in love with someone that was not socially "acceptable", what would you have done?
pricillia Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 This is all about conttrol... The scene that you described reminds me of something out of a movie.. I am sorry that you are going through this right now, it stinks that you do not have the blessing of your family, thats when friends come into play... I would not worry about the age and where he will be when you are so old... This love may not even last that long, however it seems that no matter who you meet your parents will have a problem with. If this man is treating you well supportive loving kind passionate, non smothering non abusive then your parents should be happy that you are with someone that is a good influence in your life. Good for you in getting out and trying to make it on your own... It sounds like your parents are emotional backmailers and they are pulling out all the stops... I read a book that helped me it was not this one, I have to go find it... but there are other books out there like this one Toxic Parents Overcoming thier hurtful legacy by Susan Foward I hope that this helps!
OTgirl Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 Hi Shoegal! I just want to let you know that I have a taste of what you are going through! I'm 24 and my boyfriend of 2.5 years is 40! He is also a nurse! I have been through hell with them accepting the age difference. However, you out beat me! Since your situation is mostly about the age gap, I encourage you to come to www.mindtheagegap.com where you will find tons of support. Some members haven't talked to their folks in years because of the age gap. Members of LS are offering you great support too!
Jilly Bean Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 Thank you Jilly Bean. I know if I leave my bf I will resent my parents for the rest of my life. I have made up my mind that I am not leaving him just to make my parents happy. I know if I return they will hold this "indiscretion" against me. They will think I have seen the light and I would have to lie everyday to them to keep peace in our family and not get kicked out again. I am so sorry that you gave up your guy. Have you found someone since then? Do you still speak with the guy? Thanks again. It really does make things a lot clearer hearing other people's stories and the choices they have made and how they feel about them now. I have NEVER found anyone even remotely like him. He truly was that once in a lifetime, soulmate connection, deep, all-consuming passionate love that you only dream about. To put it bluntly - he was THE ONE. To this day, it is the ONLY regret of my entire life, and yes, I do harbor underlying resentment towards my parents, but moreso to myself for letting myself be manipulated and being too afraid of not having them in my life. No, we don't talk anymore - every time we got on the phone, he would tell me how much he missed me, how no one has ever been like me, how he still thinks of me constantly...but so much has happened, we have just moved on. Though I know he still feels the same pull...but, in this lifetime, it's just not going to happen again. I still consider myself VERY blessed that I had that type of love in my life, even though I know it will never be repeated... BUT, given a do-over? No way, no how would I have ever let him go... Stay strong...
nittygritty Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 (edited) Hi Nitty, You are right I did lie. I continue to feel that I had no other choice. Yes it was cowardly of me. If I had it to do all over again, I would not have lied. The end result was the same. I just hoped at the time that she was not serious or would at least change her mind. I was wrong. My bf is good man. Yes, he is divorced. Honestly, I would be more concerned if he was 47 and never married! My parents do not have to like the choices I make, but it would have been nice to not have to choose. As long as I follow their rules and plans I can continue to have a relationship with them. If I make a decision that they view as wrong then I am no longer their daughter? That seems more childish to me than anything I have done. I am 25, not 18. I have been independent before this very moment. The difference is that before I had their help (when needed) and emotional support. Being with my bf is not about rebelling. It is not about getting out from under my parents control. If that were the case, I just would have moved out and said see ya later. I never needed their money or emotional support. I just wanted to have my parents in my life. I love them both dearly. Also my bf and I are not about to rush into marriage. All I said was it had been discussed. Meaning, we care for each other so much that we wanted to be on the same page. We see this relationship as a long term thing and if things keep going as well as they have been marriage is in our future. Yes I can surely see my wrong doing in this whole see debacle. Surely you can my parents part in this as well. Tell me, would you have handled the situation differently? If you had fallen in love with someone that was not socially "acceptable", what would you have done? I don't think it was cowardly that you lied. I think that you lied to please your mom because she was already letting you know that she wouldn't approve. Your mom and dad were treating you as if you were bought and paid for because you were living in their home and still financially dependent on them. The fact that your 25 years old is being disregarded by your parents and it doesn't help them to see you as the adult that you are when you lied like a little kid would do when they're afraid of what their parents would do if they were truthful. Perhaps if you had been honest from the beginning their fears of you not knowing what your doing would have lessened. Perhaps not. It also sounds like your parents may feel somewhat threatened by your relationship with an older, financially independent man. If your no longer financially dependent on them then how will they control what you do? Which your parents are wrong to use manipulation to control your behavior because you are an adult. The parent/child relationship has not evolved into a parent of an adult which is why the boundaries that you are setting with your parents are necessary. Other than the significant age difference there is nothing wrong with your BF being a 47 year old divorced attorney with two sons. But when you are aware that your relationship with your parents is not what it should be and have been raised by somewhat controlling types of parents then its likely that you may also have some issues that need to be resolved to insure that your choosing healthy relationships and able to be a good partner. To answer your question, No, I would not have handled the situation any differently but I've also been divorced twice. My parents didn't threaten to disown me or anything but they were right about the type of guy my second husband was and I refused to listen or see it at the time but I have no regrets. I had to make my own mistakes and learn my own life lessons. You are the only one who should be choosing your BF or spouse. I don't think the age difference between you and your BF is socially unacceptable. I was just questioning whether or not you had considered all of the issues involved. Is there more to your attraction to a man who is significantly older and his attraction to a woman who is significantly younger? How does your BF feel about your parents and what they're doing? Other than being supportive of you what has he said about your parents? Have you ever asked him how he would feel about his 25 year old daughter having a sexual, love relationship with a 47 year old man? How long have the two of you been in a relationship? Do you know him well enough to know if he is controlling or has any other negative characteristics? Is there any way that your parents are aware of something about this man that your not? You did not mention your relationship with your Dad very much. What was your parents relationship with each other like? Does your Bf's personality in any way remind you of either of your parent's personalities? Just questions for you to think about, you don't have to respond. I think its good that your not rushing into marriage or anything and I agree with the other posters that you'll know more in time. Your mom's emails are kind of sad and funny if you think about it. For whatever reason she is frightened of losing you. She keeps telling you that she's not going to talk to you anymore? If that were true she wouldn't keep doing everything she can to try to communicate with you. Perhaps you should write her a letter and tell her how you feel about all of this. Edited March 2, 2008 by nittygritty
Green Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 look I'm younger then you and I don't live at home depending on my parents money and suport. You were a little old to be living at home, and I have know idea how they even found out all about this guy if you weren't telling them anything. 47 is a little old, but what ever enjoy.
Author shoegal5683 Posted March 3, 2008 Author Posted March 3, 2008 look I'm younger then you and I don't live at home depending on my parents money and suport. You were a little old to be living at home, and I have know idea how they even found out all about this guy if you weren't telling them anything. 47 is a little old, but what ever enjoy. I had my own house in DE at the age of 22. I sold it last year and moved in with my parents to save some money while finishing a second college degree (which I paid for). The plan was to graduate and move away again. My issue here is not the money or the living situation. It is about not having parents in my life anymore. I was very close to my mother. We told each other almost everything. It was always more like a friendship, until I did something she didnt like.
Green Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 well like people have said, you lied to them. They have a right to feel hurt, I'm sure things will cool down in a few months
TheSilentType Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 I think your parents have your best interest at heart, even if it doesn't seem like that. Of course an older 47 year old man will treat you well. Its not everyday that they have the attention of a younger person. Plus this guy has two kids!!! He's getting such a good deal - a woman able to accept his age and his kids. I don't mean to sound mean and make light of your relationship, but I can totally understand your parents view. 100%. You sound a little naive, and desperate for positive attention.
Author shoegal5683 Posted March 3, 2008 Author Posted March 3, 2008 I don't think the age difference between you and your BF is socially unacceptable. I was just questioning whether or not you had considered all of the issues involved. Is there more to your attraction to a man who is significantly older and his attraction to a woman who is significantly younger? How does your BF feel about your parents and what they're doing? Other than being supportive of you what has he said about your parents? Have you ever asked him how he would feel about his 25 year old daughter having a sexual, love relationship with a 47 year old man? How long have the two of you been in a relationship? Do you know him well enough to know if he is controlling or has any other negative characteristics? Is there any way that your parents are aware of something about this man that your not? You did not mention your relationship with your Dad very much. What was your parents relationship with each other like? Does your Bf's personality in any way remind you of either of your parent's personalities? Just questions for you to think about, you don't have to respond. I think its good that your not rushing into marriage or anything and I agree with the other posters that you'll know more in time. Your mom's emails are kind of sad and funny if you think about it. For whatever reason she is frightened of losing you. She keeps telling you that she's not going to talk to you anymore? If that were true she wouldn't keep doing everything she can to try to communicate with you. Perhaps you should write her a letter and tell her how you feel about all of this. Thank you Nitty for your reply. You certainly gave me lots to think about. My bf and I have answered all of these questions and had many discussion regarding everything you have said. Neither of us planned for this to happen. We just fell in love. The age difference is a huge inconvience. We have talked about how he would feel is he had a daughter and she was dating someone his age. He said he would not like it, but he would at least give the guy a chance. He says if his daughter loved him there had to be something there. Even if he hated the guy after meeting him and getting to know him, he would never cut his child off. We have been together a year. We have lived together for 4 months. We spend every single day together. We know each other better than anyone. My only complaint is that he leaves dirty laundry lying around. He is the farthest thing from controlling. There is nothing my parents know that I do not. They have never met him. They dont live in the same area. They know no one in common. My father is a workaholic. He wasnt a very big part of my life because he worked so much. My bf is nothing like either of my parents. Believe me, I have thought of all these things before. I didnt want to fall in love with an older man. I dont want a complicated life. This was not my idea of a perfect life. Now that I have fallen in love I cannot imagine my life without my bf. He is the best thing to ever happen to me. Early on, I thought of every possible reason why what I was feeling was a lie. I considered daddy issues, rebellion issues, everything. I just love him for who he is. Plain and simple. Thanks again for your reply.
Author shoegal5683 Posted March 3, 2008 Author Posted March 3, 2008 I think your parents have your best interest at heart, even if it doesn't seem like that. Of course an older 47 year old man will treat you well. Its not everyday that they have the attention of a younger person. Plus this guy has two kids!!! He's getting such a good deal - a woman able to accept his age and his kids. I don't mean to sound mean and make light of your relationship, but I can totally understand your parents view. 100%. You sound a little naive, and desperate for positive attention. I understand my parents concern as well. I think I have addressed all of those concerns though. Surprisingly, men of his age never have a problem finding female attention. May I ask in what way I seem naive? Positive attention has never seemed to be an issue before. So I am unsure of what makes you think so.
TheSilentType Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 You seem passive-aggressive rebellious. You're dating this older guy - who you seem to "like" - to really get at your parents and show them who's boss. It's soooooooooooooooooooooo common, and there's so many defence mechanisms people use to deny it. I hardly believe that men this dinosaurs age really have women throwing themselves at them. Women looking for security, but not young women in high demand. They are usually women with unresolved issues from childhood. Anways, I'm done psychoanalyzing It's your life. But your mother is making the right decision.
nittygritty Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 Thank you Nitty for your reply. You certainly gave me lots to think about. My bf and I have answered all of these questions and had many discussion regarding everything you have said. Neither of us planned for this to happen. We just fell in love. The age difference is a huge inconvience. We have talked about how he would feel is he had a daughter and she was dating someone his age. He said he would not like it, but he would at least give the guy a chance. He says if his daughter loved him there had to be something there. Even if he hated the guy after meeting him and getting to know him, he would never cut his child off. We have been together a year. We have lived together for 4 months. We spend every single day together. We know each other better than anyone. My only complaint is that he leaves dirty laundry lying around. He is the farthest thing from controlling. There is nothing my parents know that I do not. They have never met him. They dont live in the same area. They know no one in common. My father is a workaholic. He wasnt a very big part of my life because he worked so much. My bf is nothing like either of my parents. Believe me, I have thought of all these things before. I didnt want to fall in love with an older man. I dont want a complicated life. This was not my idea of a perfect life. Now that I have fallen in love I cannot imagine my life without my bf. He is the best thing to ever happen to me. Early on, I thought of every possible reason why what I was feeling was a lie.I considered daddy issues, rebellion issues, everything. I just love him for who he is. Plain and simple. Thanks again for your reply. Your welcome Shoegirl. I noticed that in your first post you mentioned that when your parents kicked you out of their house and financially cut you off 4 months ago that you found an apartment and that your going to school full time and working two jobs now. Did you and your BF move into the apartment together at that time? I only ask because it seems kind of unusual that your BF would want to move into an apartment together right after the falling out with your parents when the dispute was over your relationship with him. Has he ever made any attempts to try to talk to or write your parents about the problem that they are having with your relationship with him?
Author shoegal5683 Posted March 3, 2008 Author Posted March 3, 2008 Your welcome Shoegirl. I noticed that in your first post you mentioned that when your parents kicked you out of their house and financially cut you off 4 months ago that you found an apartment and that your going to school full time and working two jobs now. Did you and your BF move into the apartment together at that time? I only ask because it seems kind of unusual that your BF would want to move into an apartment together right after the falling out with your parents when the dispute was over your relationship with him. Has he ever made any attempts to try to talk to or write your parents about the problem that they are having with your relationship with him? No my bf did not move into my apartment at the time. Even now he still has his place, but since we spend every night together now we call it living together. He has wanted to write or contact my parents some way, but has always asked me first. I don't think it would help matters so I have always just told him thanks but please dont.
Els Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 I too don't think you were 'wrong' to lie to your parents, shoegal. It appears that you only had 3 choices: to break up with him, to enstrange your relationship with them... or to lie. The world and the choices you face are not all black and white as we were taught when we were young; sometimes the supposedly wrong choice really is the best choice. I can see a lot of similarities between my parents and yours... and I'm willing to bet that there would be hardly any difference in the outcome had you told the truth from the beginning. It would just have started sooner. This way you at least had a chance. To those defending the parents... regardless of intentions (few parents actually INTEND to harm their child, I'll agree to that. Similarly doctors don't intend to let their patients die through ignorance/carelessness -- that doesn't mean that they aren't the ones to blame) they are evidently the ones at fault here. Their reaction was in no way reasonable. They could have chosen a medium of compromise -- state that they strongly felt against the man, and asked to see him. But disowning your daughter? Shoegal, I lie to my parents too. Perhaps it's easier for me because my mother was never and never will be my best friend. Unless she does a 100% personality turn. Our mindsets and attitudes are too far apart, and they cannot accept that they are anything but right. Should I not lie to them, I would be living a ridiculously enclosed and sheltered existence. I would never have met the people I met, experienced the things I have, grown and matured and learnt the lessons I know today. Yes, some of the things they disapproved of and I did, really did turn out to be mistakes. But had I not had the chance to make them, I would have never LEARNT. I would just have made them much later, and most likely suffered far worse as the consequence. I would have never survived in the real world once I actually had to go into it. Now, I think I've a long way to go (I almost never went out or met people without them by my side til I turned 21), but I'm a lot more prepared. I feel for you, shoegal. I hope this somehow resolves itself -- just know that you're not alone, and that many of us support you.
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