shoegal5683 Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 I met this man who is significantly older than I am. We fell in love and started having a relationship. I have never met anyone who has been so kind and supportive of me. He truly is the most amazing person I have ever known. My mother suspected our relationship and told me if I ever started dating him she would disown me. I didn't know what else to do but lie to her about the relationship. About 4 months ago my parents discovered my lies. She and my father told me to get out of their house. I am 25 and still in college. They were providing a place to stay and financial support for me. My mother and I were best friends. I left my house with my father waving his fists at me and my mother crying. I managed to find an apartment and get myself a car. My mother sent me an email saying she put my things on the lawn and I could come get them. I got them but she only allowed me to get some of my things. All of my furniture, books, dvds and some clothes are still in her possession. It has been 4 months now and the only contact I have with my family is through email. My mother sends me emails saying if I ever change my mind she will always be there. I have tried talking to her and apologizing for the lies but she wants nothing but for me to leave this man. The emails I get from her and my father are hurtful and mean. They call me names and tell me what an awful person I am. I choose not to respond anymore because I am so hurt by their behavior. I honestly love him. We are talking about marriage. I am not naive or starry eyed. I love him. We have been together a year now. I know that is not a long time but every day just gets better. He has been wonderful through all of this. He would do anything to change the situation. I can't imagine not having this wonderful man in my life. Why do I have to choose? How do I repair my relationship with my family without losing the man I love. Any advice would be great or even stories of other people in similar situations might make things seem less bleak. Thank you.
Enema Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 How old is he? Is the age the only thing your parents don't like?
Author shoegal5683 Posted February 22, 2008 Author Posted February 22, 2008 He is 47. They have never met him and know nothing of him. As far as I know, it is only the age difference that is the issue. Believe me, I am aware of the age difference between us, but like I said I have never met such an extraordinary person before. I never believed in soul mates until now.
mental_traveller Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Time is the only thing that will solve it IMO. Your parents are being extremely rude to judge this man without even meeting him - talk about prejudice. I think after a few years pass, they will see you are serious about this guy. Then they will either have to soften their attitude, or lose their daughter for good. IMO you hold all the cards here. Few parents can cut a daughter out of their life and not feel bad about it. I'm certain they have both conspired to do this simply to pressure you to conform to their demands. They probably think by doing this, they'll make you leave your man and come back to them with your tail between your legs. Well, you can turn the tables on them - they will not be able to cut you off forever, and eventually they'll regret their actions. What you have to do is not contact them, no emails, nothing - until they acknowledge they were wrong, and accept this guy is part of your life. Make them apologize and deal with you on your terms, as an equal. You are in the strong position here, not them, so act accordingly.
Author shoegal5683 Posted February 22, 2008 Author Posted February 22, 2008 Thank you Mental Traveller. My guy says the same thing. That they are lucky to have a daughter like me and they are losing out. My mentor says the same thing (I'm a nursing student). Somehow I just don't feel it though. My heart breaks every day. I haven't slept more than 4 hours a night since this all happened. I miss them both so much. I guess time will tell. I hope they change their minds but it doesn't seem likely. I just don't get why they don't trust my judgement. This man is truly one of a kind. How could they cut off their only child over the guy she is dating? It seems so ridiculous to me and frankly everyone else I know. Thank you again.
Laptop2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Has he been married? Any kids? How did you meet? What does he do for living? You have to understand when you're in your prime (30s), he will be a senior citizen. Ten year differnce may be okay, but over 20 years is a little too much.
Author shoegal5683 Posted February 22, 2008 Author Posted February 22, 2008 He has been married before. He is divorced. He has 2 really wonderful sons. We met at a lecture. He is an attorney. He also is a nurse. I understand the vast age difference. We have discussed it at great lengths. But in the end we come back to one thing. Neither one of us has ever been so happy with another person. Neither of us has been with someone who complimented them so well. It causes me great sadness to think he will die before I will and I will have to live without him. Thinking of him as old.. no, I don't. We share the same passions, hopes and dreams.
Laptop2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 He has been married before. He is divorced. He has 2 really wonderful sons. We met at a lecture. He is an attorney. He also is a nurse. I understand the vast age difference. We have discussed it at great lengths. But in the end we come back to one thing. Neither one of us has ever been so happy with another person. Neither of us has been with someone who complimented them so well. It causes me great sadness to think he will die before I will and I will have to live without him. Thinking of him as old.. no, I don't. We share the same passions, hopes and dreams. How old are his sons? You met at "a" lecture? Did he asked for your number during that one lecture? How long has he been divorced? Did he ever asked you to move in with him? There's just lots of ? about him...it's just human nature to have those questions.
curiousnycgirl Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 I am so sorry you are going through this, I've been there and done that. This is a very harsh, manipulative thing parents do to control their kids - frankly it is wrong. The worst part of it, at least to me, was that for years my mother would try to use the time we did not speak against ME - to cause guilt! Me who barely had enough money for food or a roof over my head for several years - while they continued to claim me as a tax deduction, etc. You need to accept both emotionally as well as intellectually (I'm sure you've already recognized it intellectually) that this is their choice, and it is a very poor one. Parents are supposed to be there for us through thick and thin. They are entitled to express their opinions, but they should never completely turn their backs on us. If you do end up marryng your b/f - I can assure you the moment you are pregnant, they will want to come running. At that point the power will be all yours - how you use it up to you. I would strongly urge you not to welcome them with open arms. They have hurt you beyond belief, and when they want to be back in touch is when you need to lay ground rules. If you don't marry your b/f - I suggest the same thing. Continue doing what you are doing, living on your own, etc. It sucks, and I'm sure you are doing without a lot of stuff you are used to - but trust me it will make you stronger in the end. The most important things for you to recognize is that this is NOT your fault; they are unbelievably and unacceptably manipulative; when they choose to speak to you again you NEED to redefine the relaitonship. Best of luck to you.
mental_traveller Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Thank you Mental Traveller. My guy says the same thing. That they are lucky to have a daughter like me and they are losing out. My mentor says the same thing (I'm a nursing student). Somehow I just don't feel it though. My heart breaks every day. I haven't slept more than 4 hours a night since this all happened. I miss them both so much. I guess time will tell. I hope they change their minds but it doesn't seem likely. I just don't get why they don't trust my judgement. This man is truly one of a kind. How could they cut off their only child over the guy she is dating? It seems so ridiculous to me and frankly everyone else I know. Thank you again. Yeah, it will feel bad now. But if you stay strong on the outside (even though inside you might feel weak), I think that is more likely to make them respect you and your decision. If you cave in, then they'll still think of you as their little girl i.e. not your own person. You're an adult now and they have to learn that. Maybe in their eyes you are making a mistake, but if so then you have to learn through your own experience, not because Mom & Pop say so.
Laptop2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 (edited) The most important things for you to recognize is that this is NOT your fault; they are unbelievably and unacceptably manipulative; when they choose to speak to you again you NEED to redefine the relaitonship. Best of luck to you. You can't blame it all on her parents for caring. Do you think they enjoy disowning her? Do you think they have having fun cutting off their blood, their daughter? Do you think they are having a blast not having her around. It's hard on them too; they have good intentions. She needs to recognize that. Her parents believe that there are certain lines you just don't cross and they believe their own daughter crossed that line. Do I agree with what they are doing? No. Can she really blame them for feeling the way they do? That's up to her to find out based on how she was raised. Edited February 22, 2008 by Laptop2008
curiousnycgirl Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 You can't blame it all on her parents for caring. Do you think they enjoy disowning her? Do you think they have having fun cutting off their blood, their daughter? Do you think they are having a blast not having her around. It's hard on them too; they have good intentions. She needs to recognize that. Her parents believe that there are certain lines you just don't cross and they believe their own daughter crossed that line. Do I agree with what they are doing? No. Can she really blame them for feeling the way they do? That's up to her to find out based on how she was raised. Sorry to disagree but I do very strongly. Of course they have a choice here - they have CHOSEN to kick her out. They could just as easily let her continue to live at home and harp on it night and day. No I do not think they are enjoying it - however I am certain they are pounding their chests and saying whoa is me where did I go wrong, and saying she is evil. Frankly it's all BS. If you love someone your love and support should be unconditional. You may disagree with what they are doing, but cutting them off should simply never be an option. As I said earlier I lived hand to mouth for 3 years when my parents did this to me (they were furious because I was not easily able to resume normal life after my fiance died unexpectedly, so they kicked me out and cut me off). I worked 3 different jobs to try to support myself while going to school full time + (18 credits a semester in the hope to finish sooner, which I did) - and often could not afford groceries. My parents spent those 3 years telling my much younger sibings that I was the personificaiton of all things bad in life, etc. They told anyone who would listen that I had gone insane - and that I was evil. 20 years later I have somewhat found balance with them. And when they needed support I was and continue to be there for them (I give them a monthly support check) - despite the fact that I 100% disagree with how they live based on their income, etc. Sorry but I feel very strongly on this subject and disagree with you
Laptop2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 (edited) If you love someone your love and support should be unconditional. Love is conditional. You can't "love" your spouse who continues to cheat on you and gives you say HIV. You can't "love" your child who murders your spouse and your other children intentionally. Do you still love your husband unconditionally if he sleeps with your best friend and then murders your baby because the baby is making too much noise during the night? Do unconditional love really exists? As I said earlier I lived hand to mouth for 3 years when my parents did this to me (they were furious because I was not easily able to resume normal life after my fiance died unexpectedly, so they kicked me out and cut me off). We are only hearing (reading) your side of the story. What exactly did you do? Can you completely put the blame on them if they see it (meaning putting you out of the house) as the only way to help you or as their perceived way of waking you up to see the reality? Can you say that their intentions were completely evil and malicious? Edited February 22, 2008 by Laptop2008
curiousnycgirl Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 We are only hearing (reading) your side of the story. What exactly did you do? Can you completely put the blame on them if they see it (meaning putting you out of the house) as the only way to help you or as their perceived way of waking you up to see the reality? Can you say that their intentions were completely evil and malicious? Yup you are only reading my side of the story - and I agree my parents' version would be entirely different, because they are revisionist historians. However my siblings who were around at the time (although only my brother remembers it all - my sister was too young). There were also others around at the time, contemporaries of my parents, who corroborate my version. My parents were vehemently opposed to my engagement and wanted to throw me out - but my uncle (who pays a good portion of my parents' bills) was supportive of me. After my fiance passed away unexpectedly - my parents would not allow me to sit shiva or mourn the loss - they demanded that I return to school immediately after the funeral and resume a normal life. I was not able to and ended up moving home, going to a local college and working. When I could not stop "moping" they each individually called me at work and told me not to bother coming home. I had a whopping $23 in my pocket, but I left. 2 weeks later I had earned enough to rent a car to pick up my stuff, whatever they allowed me to take, and my cat. During those years I could not get financial aid, because my parents claimed me on their tax return. I also found out, many years later, that my uncle continued to give them money for my support and tuition - but I never saw a dime of that. So no I don't believe my parents' actions were malicious - but I certainly believe they were evil. And I do not agree - parental love should be unconditional. I don't personally know for a fact, but I believe murderers mothers will even say the love their children. What the OP is doing is not illegal or even immoral - I do understand the concept of tough love - but generally that is reserved for people who are either breaking the law or killing themselves with addiction. I think in it's place it is completely valid - but come on this is not the place!
Walk Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Your parents are not treating you as an adult. They are treating you like the child they see you as, therefore they punish you like a child. It doesn't make it right, but its something to recognize. My mother suspected our relationship and told me if I ever started dating him she would disown me. I didn't know what else to do but lie to her about the relationship. About 4 months ago my parents discovered my lies. She and my father told me to get out of their house. I am 25 and still in college. They were providing a place to stay and financial support for me. Rather then move out of your parents house you lied to them. Why is that? Your reaction to their demand was child-like. Instead of making a decision regarding your life, you covered it up to avoid consequences from your parents. Kind of like lying about breaking the lamp because your parents will ground you. It was the behavior of a child toward a parent, not a 25 year old adult. Your parents are acting like they have always acted. Punish you for your choices in order to teach you a lesson. (I have a point.. so please don't get upset just yet) The parent/child dynamic hasn't been broken yet, and each of you are still playing out the roles you've always played. Your parents had every right to kick you out of their house. You had every right to decide who you date or don't date. The problem stems from the fact that you were living with your parents who were supporting you as their child. You have to change the dynamics of your relationship with your parents. Have you asked them why the age difference is so important to them? Really listened to their arguments? Attempted to discuss with them the validity of their concerns for you, and allowed them to express themselves openly? It might take time for that to happen, but your parents have left the lines of communication ajar. They didn't completely shut you out, and they don't want to. But I don't think they feel as though you are capable of respecting them as wise adults, so they treat you like a child. You are reacting as you would've as a child. Hurt, confused, resentful that they kicked you out. Treat them like adults who have valued thoughts and advice, and insist that they treat you as an adult who has learned well from them. You have to implement this. Your parents won't. It might take years to get to that level, but keep you eye on the big goal... not the petty little drama that's happening now. I'm not sure how to explain it without getting really indepth, but treat them like you would a treat a mentor at your college. Listen, attempt to understand, but don't take it as law. And don't allow them to treat you as anything other then an intelligent adult who is capable of making good decisions. I'm telling you this because I went through something similiar a long time ago. My parents disowned me for dropping out of college. They kicked me out. I lost everything I owned. The only time I heard from my parents was when they wanted to berrate me for my choices in life. I was petulant, I was hurt, and I felt betrayed. I acted like a little kid. It took years before I figured out the only way to have a good relationship with my parents was to treat them with respect. I had numerous frank conversations with them about how we communicated with each other. When they crossed the line by not treating me with the same respect I spoke to them about it. I expressed my position, backed it up, and stuck to my guns. It took a long time to break that parent/child interaction... but I now have a really wonderful relationship with my parents. They may not like my choices now, but they know they can express it and I'll listen. Most of the reason they reacted so strongly when I was younger is because they didn't feel as though I was hearing them at all. They took stronger and stronger measures to convey the message. They knew it wasn't working but they didin't know how to change it, and I wasn't helping them find a different way. It takes time, and a lot of work. How do you want to handle it? And what kind of relationship do you want with your parents? Figure that out, and then work to make it happen. Change is slow, but if your consistent with your actions to reach your goal, then change will occur.
Author shoegal5683 Posted February 22, 2008 Author Posted February 22, 2008 I am so sorry you are going through this, I've been there and done that. This is a very harsh, manipulative thing parents do to control their kids - frankly it is wrong. The worst part of it, at least to me, was that for years my mother would try to use the time we did not speak against ME - to cause guilt! Me who barely had enough money for food or a roof over my head for several years - while they continued to claim me as a tax deduction, etc. You need to accept both emotionally as well as intellectually (I'm sure you've already recognized it intellectually) that this is their choice, and it is a very poor one. Parents are supposed to be there for us through thick and thin. They are entitled to express their opinions, but they should never completely turn their backs on us. If you do end up marryng your b/f - I can assure you the moment you are pregnant, they will want to come running. At that point the power will be all yours - how you use it up to you. I would strongly urge you not to welcome them with open arms. They have hurt you beyond belief, and when they want to be back in touch is when you need to lay ground rules. If you don't marry your b/f - I suggest the same thing. Continue doing what you are doing, living on your own, etc. It sucks, and I'm sure you are doing without a lot of stuff you are used to - but trust me it will make you stronger in the end. The most important things for you to recognize is that this is NOT your fault; they are unbelievably and unacceptably manipulative; when they choose to speak to you again you NEED to redefine the relaitonship. Best of luck to you. Thank you so much for your advice and for sharing your experiences. I also am holding 2 jobs and in school full time. Its hard but I am glad to be making my own money and not having my parents have a financial hold over me. They often threatened to cut me off financially when I wanted to do something they did not approve of. I agree that if we do have a relationship the terms have to be worked out. They don't know how to deal with me as an adult. Its their way or nothing at all, unfortunately. Thanks again.
Author shoegal5683 Posted February 22, 2008 Author Posted February 22, 2008 Your parents are not treating you as an adult. They are treating you like the child they see you as, therefore they punish you like a child. It doesn't make it right, but its something to recognize. Rather then move out of your parents house you lied to them. Why is that? Your reaction to their demand was child-like. Instead of making a decision regarding your life, you covered it up to avoid consequences from your parents. Kind of like lying about breaking the lamp because your parents will ground you. It was the behavior of a child toward a parent, not a 25 year old adult. Your parents are acting like they have always acted. Punish you for your choices in order to teach you a lesson. (I have a point.. so please don't get upset just yet) The parent/child dynamic hasn't been broken yet, and each of you are still playing out the roles you've always played. Your parents had every right to kick you out of their house. You had every right to decide who you date or don't date. The problem stems from the fact that you were living with your parents who were supporting you as their child. You have to change the dynamics of your relationship with your parents. Have you asked them why the age difference is so important to them? Really listened to their arguments? Attempted to discuss with them the validity of their concerns for you, and allowed them to express themselves openly? It might take time for that to happen, but your parents have left the lines of communication ajar. They didn't completely shut you out, and they don't want to. But I don't think they feel as though you are capable of respecting them as wise adults, so they treat you like a child. You are reacting as you would've as a child. Hurt, confused, resentful that they kicked you out. Treat them like adults who have valued thoughts and advice, and insist that they treat you as an adult who has learned well from them. You have to implement this. Your parents won't. It might take years to get to that level, but keep you eye on the big goal... not the petty little drama that's happening now. I'm not sure how to explain it without getting really indepth, but treat them like you would a treat a mentor at your college. Listen, attempt to understand, but don't take it as law. And don't allow them to treat you as anything other then an intelligent adult who is capable of making good decisions. I'm telling you this because I went through something similiar a long time ago. My parents disowned me for dropping out of college. They kicked me out. I lost everything I owned. The only time I heard from my parents was when they wanted to berrate me for my choices in life. I was petulant, I was hurt, and I felt betrayed. I acted like a little kid. It took years before I figured out the only way to have a good relationship with my parents was to treat them with respect. I had numerous frank conversations with them about how we communicated with each other. When they crossed the line by not treating me with the same respect I spoke to them about it. I expressed my position, backed it up, and stuck to my guns. It took a long time to break that parent/child interaction... but I now have a really wonderful relationship with my parents. They may not like my choices now, but they know they can express it and I'll listen. Most of the reason they reacted so strongly when I was younger is because they didn't feel as though I was hearing them at all. They took stronger and stronger measures to convey the message. They knew it wasn't working but they didin't know how to change it, and I wasn't helping them find a different way. It takes time, and a lot of work. How do you want to handle it? And what kind of relationship do you want with your parents? Figure that out, and then work to make it happen. Change is slow, but if your consistent with your actions to reach your goal, then change will occur. You are right, I always did act like a child. Everytime I tried to act like an adult I was threatened with emotional and financial abandonment. I always hoped someday that would change. I have grown up a great deal in these past 4 months. I went from spoiled only child who never had to work to holding 2 jobs and going to school full time. After finishing a BS in Biology, I wanted to change careers. My parents offered to house me while I pursued a nursing degree. This I am paying for myself. I found a safe apartment, got it all set up with the help of great friends and bought myself a car. Everytime I get back on my feet I will get an email from my parents demanding money or things to pay them back for all the "wasted time" they spent on me. Thank you for sharing your experience. Your story has given me lots of things to think about. I think you are right about communication though. Thanks again.
Angelina Nisse Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 Why do I have to choose? How do I repair my relationship with my family without losing the man I love. Any advice would be great or even stories of other people in similar situations might make things seem less bleak. Thank you. You don't have to choose; your parents have already turned their backs on you. I can't think of a quicker way to send you packing than to disown you and tell you that you'll have to give him up. Quite frankly, if I were you, I wouldn't try to repair the relationship with your mother. It sounds horrible. Block their emails and if you love him, marry him and have a great life. Their loss!
iSmiley Posted February 24, 2008 Posted February 24, 2008 Cant imagine how painful it is for u. please be strong and hope ur bf is supporting u well ^^. If ur family Love u..they will want u to be happy and not stop u from getting the happiness. Good LUck!
Author shoegal5683 Posted February 24, 2008 Author Posted February 24, 2008 Cant imagine how painful it is for u. please be strong and hope ur bf is supporting u well ^^. If ur family Love u..they will want u to be happy and not stop u from getting the happiness. Good LUck! Thank you. It means a lot to me that other people think I am not making the wrong decision here. My bf has been the most supportive person I have ever had in my life. Not only in this matter but all other things as well.
Jilly Bean Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 Shoegal - I went through the SAME thing at your age. My ex and I were deeply and passionately in love. True soulmates. However, my parents didn't like him because of his past (divorce, illegitimate child...). My folks finally write me a letter and told me that they were writing me out of their lives if I continued living with him. They were so distraught over our union, they saw no other choice. I caved, and months later, I left him and reunited with my family. TO THIS DAY, it is the ONE regret of my life. I was too young to see how manipulative they were being, and too afraid of losing them in my life. Now, as I am a few years older, I wish I had never made that choice. I know in my heart of hearts that I will NEVER again experience a love like I had with him and I also know that eventually my parents would have come around. And if not, then so be it. Stay strong, and stay with your man...
stillafool Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 I think at age 25 you should be on your own anyway. Even if that means getting a roommate to help with expenses. Now that your parents have kicked you out (for no good reason) I would go complete "no contact" with them. Enjoy your new man just make sure you do not replace your parents with him!
Author shoegal5683 Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 Shoegal - I went through the SAME thing at your age. My ex and I were deeply and passionately in love. True soulmates. However, my parents didn't like him because of his past (divorce, illegitimate child...). My folks finally write me a letter and told me that they were writing me out of their lives if I continued living with him. They were so distraught over our union, they saw no other choice. I caved, and months later, I left him and reunited with my family. TO THIS DAY, it is the ONE regret of my life. I was too young to see how manipulative they were being, and too afraid of losing them in my life. Now, as I am a few years older, I wish I had never made that choice. I know in my heart of hearts that I will NEVER again experience a love like I had with him and I also know that eventually my parents would have come around. And if not, then so be it. Stay strong, and stay with your man... Thank you Jilly Bean. I know if I leave my bf I will resent my parents for the rest of my life. I have made up my mind that I am not leaving him just to make my parents happy. I know if I return they will hold this "indiscretion" against me. They will think I have seen the light and I would have to lie everyday to them to keep peace in our family and not get kicked out again. I am so sorry that you gave up your guy. Have you found someone since then? Do you still speak with the guy? Thanks again. It really does make things a lot clearer hearing other people's stories and the choices they have made and how they feel about them now.
Author shoegal5683 Posted February 25, 2008 Author Posted February 25, 2008 I think at age 25 you should be on your own anyway. Even if that means getting a roommate to help with expenses. Now that your parents have kicked you out (for no good reason) I would go complete "no contact" with them. Enjoy your new man just make sure you do not replace your parents with him! Thank you for the encouragement. I just received an email from my mother telling me if I do not respond today our relationship will be over for good. She said she is appalled by my involvement with this man and will never condone it or want to be apart of it. Yet she still wants a relationship with me. I am rather confused by this. I don't want to have a relationship with her where I just talk about the weather. My bf is a huge part of my life. If I can't talk about what is really going on with me (which involves my bf most of the time) then I don't think I want one. I never thought that was enough for her either. I haven't replaced my parents with this man. Surprisingly, I have found many mother figures. My mentor has been the biggest replacement. She has always been a great support with school stuff but now she is more than that. We have dinner together once a week and she has been the parent I have always dreamed of. She tells me she would be proud and honored to have a daughter like me. She encourages me to do well in school while keeping my three jobs and tries to help at every step. Should I really cut my parents for dead and form my own family so to speak? Should I agree to a cordial relationship with my mother where we talk about the weather? I need to make this decision soon. I don't want to be hasty or regret this later on....
Touche Posted February 25, 2008 Posted February 25, 2008 I hope you have better luck than I did with my ex who was 19 years older than I. My mom wouldn't speak to me either and didn't come to the wedding. Mom's usually know best. Wished I had listened to her. I'm now happily married over 12 years to my second husband. She approved of him immediately and came to my wedding. Anyway, I wish you the best of luck.
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