The hidden perks of being single

[sveltskye]

I think one of the best ways of coping with a "bad" situation is finding the bright side of it- the silving lining. So I've been coming up with a list of things that I enjoy about being newly single, things that aren't immediately obvious but help me reflect and grow. Here's my list:

 

Why Its Good To Be Newly Single

 

1) You get your indepedence back. You're not so wrapped up in the identity of another and the influence of their likes and opinions. I realised how nice this was when I was driving by myself in my car and listening to songs that made me happy and feel good. My ex and I didn't have the same taste in music and we'd tease eachother about it sometimes. But I was just listening to MY music and feeling good and I realised that I could finally totally not care what his opinion of it was. He had no hold over that little space of my mind that was trying to please him anymore.

 

2) You have an excuse to really take it easy and spoil yourself. In a relationship, you let another person spoil you (while you spoil them reciprocally, of course). But its hit and miss, because they can never know you like you know yourself, your own likes and dislikes. So when you break up, you get to do all the things for yourself that they used to do for you- only you can get it just right, buy the present that you *really* want or go to the movie you *really* wanted to see. No compromise necessary. Besides, who doesn't like an excuse to be selfish and do nice things for yourself?

 

3) You appreciate your friends and family more. Being a little needy gives the other loved ones in your life the chance to step up to the plate and remind you of just why you love them so much and that you have a lot more in your life than just that one person. I just had my birthday party and had all my friends and family with me. I felt so loved and special. Of course I wished that he could have been there too, but having all those people gathered just for me reminded me of how many people love me, which means I must have something pretty good going for me!

 

4) You don't have to deal with the annoying little things about the relationship that you put up with because you were generally happy. My ex talked about his cat CONSTANTLY. He made up songs about her, joked about her, spoiled her rotten... Sometimes I felt like telling him to go sleep with her if he was so in love with her! LOL. It was cute, but at the same time annoying. I have to say I felt a little satisfaction when I heard from a mutual friend that she had crapped all over his bed the last time he was over.

 

5) You get to embrace new opportunities, no matter how small and simple at first. That little smile the cute boy gives you at the airport. Making a new friend and cultivating friendships that you didn't before because you were so wrapped up in your partner. You may not be ready to move on and date for a while, but there's something in recognizing, hey, I can enjoy this attention from the other gender a little more now than I could before.

 

6) You can feel proud of yourself for being strong and mature. Every day you go in NC without falling apart, it shows just how strong you are, even without them. And if you do make mistakes, you can be proud of yourself for recognizing that you screwed up, realising you're human and forgiving yourself.

 

 

 

Here's some fitting quotes from my "motivational breakup cd":

 

"It's not as if New York City

Burnt down to the ground

Once you drove away

It's not as if the sun won't shine

When clouds up above

Wash the blues away"

 

"Don't you feel it growin',

Day by day

People

Gettin' ready for the news

Some are happy,

Some are sad

Wo, we got to let the music play

Wo, oh yeah

What the people need

Is a way to make 'em smile

It ain't so hard to do if you know how"

 

"Be kind to me

Or treat me mean

I'll make the most of it

I'm an extraordinary machine"

 

 

 

 

Anybody have any additions to this list?

Edited February 21, 2008 by sveltskye

[PinkRibbon]

Being single is awful. I would much rather have my husband back then some smile from a boy at an airport, or a pampeing session for myself or spending more time with my family. I would trade all those things you mentioned just to have him back so I think being single bites.

[PrincessBOT]

I was in relationship 1 1/2 year and I agree with each thing listed. As I read I felt like I could have wrote the list myself. On other hand, it is scary because it almost makes me not want to deal with compromise and co-dependance anymore.

 

Of course desire for companionship and loneliness creeps in. That's okay because it just makes me take a closure look at the potential candidates and make sure they are worth it.

[CaliGuy]

Being single is awful.

 

Right now I am enjoying my singledom to the max.

 

I would much rather have my husband back then some smile from a boy at an airport, or a pampeing session for myself or spending more time with my family. I would trade all those things you mentioned just to have him back so I think being single bites.

 

Tis better to be single and lonely than married and miserable.

[sveltskye]

I wasn't trying to open a debate on the pros and cons of being single. I don't think its all good or all bad. It is what it is. Being newly single sucks really bad in a lot of ways, that's why I was trying to point out some of the little benefits. Believe me, I've had a really hard time with it recently (especially since I can't seem to peel my eyes away from his myspace). But its always good to look at the bright side of things, and these were a few good things I came up with during an optimistic moment.

 

 

I wasn't asking for anyone's validation. These are things I noticed in my own life.

 

I don't know, though, Cali Guy- single and lonely & married and miserable each have their own kind of suckiness.

Edited February 22, 2008 by sveltskye

[PinkRibbon]

suckiness:laugh::laugh: I haven't heard that in a long time.

[Crestfallen_KH]

1. I have far fewer frustrations in my life. I no longer have to put up with empty promises or rely on someone else to do anything around the house. Now, if the cat litter needs to be changed, I know I just have to do it and I can do it on my own schedule and not be disappointed that he said he would and find out he just blew it off.

 

2. I can have my own schedule. I eat when I want (or don't), I do what I want when I want and I don't have to check in with anyone or coordinate anything with a mate.

 

3. I don't have anyone to give me disapproving looks if I didn't exercise, had that second dessert, or drank too much.

 

4. That extra three feet in my bed. I can stretch out and take up all the room and I don't worry about waking anyone up if I get up early or go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

 

5. Taking responsibility for my emotional well being. If I feel like crap, I have to depend on myself to get me out of it which is what I should have learned long ago.

 

6. I no longer have to pretend to like the horrible gifts his family gave us or eat the awful fruitcake his mother made. I can spend all of the holidays with my family now.

 

But the best thing I have learned is how strong I am. When faced with the knowledge that he was cheating on me, my true character came through. I never had my character tested or faced this much pain in my life and I have so much pride in my behavior and what I've accomplished. I have nothing to be ashamed of and I can always hold my head up high. I also now have a benchmark for how I handle grief and pain, and am confident about my abilities to handle anything else life might throw at me.

[carhill]

The biggest perk for me, during the 23 years of being single prior to marrying at 41, was maintaining a balanced perspective. I think that echoes much of the OP. I was occasionally lonely, but that was only when I was in love with someone (if it didn't work out). Pure singleness wasn't lonely at all, for me, and the majority of those years were spent that way (without a primary relationship).

[Lizzie60]

I have never been so happy since I have learned to tame my 'singleness' .. it was hard the first 18 months or so.. then I discovered a new thing.. called 'freedom'.

 

Now it's all about ME, my children and my friends.. I have no one to account for.. I come and go as I want.. I am my own boss when it comes to finances, relationships, vacations, etc..

 

I have my king size bed all for myself..

 

But like one poster stated.. it is mostly about 'running' my own life and being much stronger, I have to take ALL the decisions about everything.. even the smallest stuff .. I have to take care of everything.. I am independant..

 

I don't need anyone to make me happy.. I like being alone.. I like to do my things alone.. but I'm never lonely.. I keep busy..

 

There are no hidden perks.. they're all out there.. easy to get.

 

Oh I should add.. whenever I want to spend a crazy amount of money, let's say, on sheets.. nice Egyptian cotton.. at $600 a set.. I do.. I don't have to argue that it's a good or bad thing.. I spend my money as I wish.. and we know that money is probably the no. 1 cause for divorce..

Edited February 22, 2008 by Lizzie60

[CaliGuy]

I don't know, though, Cali Guy- single and lonely & married and miserable each have their own kind of suckiness.

 

A bad marriage is 100000 times worse than just being lonely because in essense a bad marriage is like being alone with a ton of negative issues that single people don't have to deal with.

 

(Attorneys, fights, custody battles, infidelity, et al)

[spookie]

Not getting what you need from the person you love is far more lonely than being single.

 

Right now, after a dysfunctional R with someone I loved followed by a functional one with someone I didn't, I'm in the mindset that I NEVER want another relationship. Unless it's completely perfect where you're best friends and have amazing chemistry and are legitimately in love, PLUS on the same page about everything I just don't see the point.

 

When you're single:

 

1. You can do whatever you want.

2. You know not to rely on anyone, so there's never any disappointment.

3. You learn who you are and start enjoying your own company.

[latefragment]

I've been single for a looooooonnnngggg time now and while I take joy in being independent, calling the shots, doing whatever I want, being able to work hard in my work and outside pursuits and see friends whenever I want, etc... that is all wonderful, and character building.

 

It has brought me great joy to be "self-sufficient" and able to enjoy spending time with myself, alone, just being a buddy to myself. I have set personal goals that are only up to me to achieve. I gain joy when I make progress towards the fulfillment of those goals.

 

HOWEVER, how do you come to terms with the almost physical need to be held, kissed, by someone in a boyfriend like role? How do you come to terms with that singular "loneliness" that isn't entirely replaceable by the love and affection of friends & family & hobbies & work? Some people don't feel this desire, but I do - feel the desire to have someone to be "close to" and share my life with.

 

That is what I am struggling with now.

[flosslight]

Another great thing about being single - no more fights that interrupt your fun. I went to a Comic Convention recently with my best friend. His girl and him were fighting and he had fun but it was ruined in some ways when they were fighting on the phone or by text.

 

I got to run around like a crack monkey and just have fun. No lame phone calls or like crestfallen said, no more empty promises! Is my boyfriend coming or will he have fun? Did not think about it at all.

 

I'm struggling though with the physical affection that no one else can replace. There really is not a great solution unless you go out and date people, or do the meaningless make out or sex option. I rather go out and date people.

[ibitealil]

My list:

 

1) i now plan my own life and career that suits my own goal and i dont need to follow any compromise that suits his goals

 

2) I do everything with my own strength without depending on a partner

 

3) i can dress however i want (he didnt like me to dress up so that other guys look at me)

4)i still have opportunity to have some fun and waiting for something good (or may be spontaneous) to happen is also an exciting feeling

5) i dont have to take birth control pills anymore :-D

6) after any other break up u become wiser..im wiser calmer and more experienced cuz u can see now cans and cant dos in a relationship :-)

7) i dont feel guilty when i flirt

8)my parents are happier cuz they didnt like him :-)

9) i m a much better and stronger person cuz i had to deal with the hard times

10) i dont have to pretend that im ok with his stupid habits and other craps he gave me

11)i have much more time for myself and my studies instead of cooking and cleaning his dishes :-)

[Issues & tissues]

The biggest perk of being single is not having to wake up every morning to nose hair in the bathroom sink

[lbj123]

My number 1 is not having to shave my legs every day!!

 

Also, all of the extra time I get to spend with my friends is the best!

[oasis]

Having my bathroom all to myself.

[Reckless]

A friend sent me this the other day:

 

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"

The girl said, " NO!"

And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping,

dancing, camping, drank whole bottles of wine,

always had a clean house, never had to cook,

did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued,

didn't get fat, had a lovely circle of friends, travelled more,

had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself.

She went to the theatre, never watched sports,

never wore fricken lacy lingerie that went up her ar*e, had

high self esteem, never cried or yelled, and felt and looked fabulous

all the time.

THE END

[sb129]

1) You get your indepedence back.

2) You have an excuse to really take it easy and spoil yourself.

3) You appreciate your friends and family more.

4) You don't have to deal with the annoying little things about the relationship that you put up with because you were generally happy.

5) You get to embrace new opportunities, no matter how small and simple at first.

6) You can feel proud of yourself for being strong and mature. Every day you go in NC without falling apart, it shows just how strong you are, even without them. And if you do make mistakes, you can be proud of yourself for recognizing that you screwed up, realising you're human and forgiving yourself.

 

While I think this is a good list, and agree with you, I also think that if you are in a GOOD R, you should be able to do all those things as well.

 

1. I still have my independence. My BF and I are not joined at the hip.

2. I still take it easy and spoil myself- will never stop that!

3. I have always appreciated my friends and family, and I think they appreciate ME now that I am no longer miserable and needy!

4. Fair enough on that one.

5. I still get to embrace new opportunities- but in a R you do have to take someone elses feelings/thoughts into consideration.

 

6. Well done- you should be able to forgive yourself any time!

[Nomad1]

I can stay at work late and get to take on a few extra projects.

 

I don't feel guilty flirting with other women.

 

I can date different women without feeling committed to any of them.

 

I don't have to deal with somebody else's mood swings.

 

I AM FREE!

 

Nomad1

[sveltskye]

I love your poem, Reckless! It reminds me of the Paper Bag Princess: "When you find your prince, make sure he is a real Prince and not a bum!" ^_^

 

And sb129, I agree that in a good relationship you can acheive all these things. However, those are things that come to the forefront when you first get out of a relationship. You're really indepedent, and you make a point to spoil yourself to make yourself feel better. I actually meant this thread to be called "The Hidden Perks of Being Newly Single" which makes more sense for the point I was trying to make, but I wasn't really paying attention.

 

Those are also things I noticed more for me particularily. Which makes sense since it was my first relationship and we were rather attached at the hip. It was a great relationship, IMO, but I had things to learn.