Ebeleptik38 Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 So I won't get into details too much since I already did that in prevous postings about other matters.... But I have been dating this girl for about 3 months now. Its long distance about 45 minutes apart ( Im in San Jose, she's in S.F.) and she works graveyard shifts. I work normal work hours M-F (9-5) and so we spend time when our schedules allow us to. In the beginning of us dating she told me that she had just got out of a 3 year relationship (keep this in mind, because the answer slightly changes as you read on...) The last month or so I'vebeen noticing that I have been putting in more effort to see her and what not and to my dismay I felt like something was up prior to Valentine's Day. (Please read my "Is it too soon to want to know where this is going" thread for more details) Well I finally decided that I was going to ask her where we stand, are we on the same page? Are we dating exclusively? and more importantly am I wasting my time? I also told her that I have been putting more effort in and I dont want to sell myself short if she is really losing interest. She told me that she knows that she has been holding back a little and said that she felt bad and felt that i do deserve better. She said she would understand if I wanted to stop seeing her. She said she does want to be my girlfriend but that she wasn't ready to just jump into something new because she didn't want to be hurt again. Here's where the answer changes....apparently from the moment we had this talk she said that it had really only been 4 months total since she got out of the relaionship . I told her that i really like her and I would be patient and would date her for as long as it takes, just as long as I wasn't wasting my time. She assured my that I wasn't wasting my time with her and that she was not dating anyone else. Another thing was that her schedule has been pretty crazy and she said she is just trying to keep a balance of seeing her friends and me along with her hectic schedule. I really do try to keep these things in mind, I am not a selfish dude, I just am in need of some light on this situation especially if I feel neglected. I felt alot better after hearing this and finally got some kind of common ground, so it definately makes me worry alot less. So anyways I just wanted to hear how the best way to go about this. She seems to be reacting very well to this already and is really acknowledging how I feel. So do I just continue acting like how I've been? I know I'm not being needy/clingy and I dont ever blow up her phone. Im really good about pretty much everything. Would it be a bad thing to kind of hold back my feelings a little more? Be a little more reserved? Before having this discussion I felt like I wanted to kind of back off. Lemme know how you feel about this ladies...and of course anyone else who wants to put in their 2-cents Thanks for reading guys!
AriaIncognito Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 My first reaction to your post, and you probably won't like it, is that you're obsessing over this relationship WAY too much considering you've been dating only a few months, and long distance to boot. The beginning times of relationships are supposed to be the most fun and happy and blah blah blah yet you're seemingly tearing yourself apart at every chance because you're analyzing every minute of every day. I say you should stop thinking about what to say or do or how to act and just be yourself. After all, she doesn't want a relationship with some watered down version of you, she'd want it with you, because why waste time getting to know only a version of a person that will eventually end up being different because they were holding back? Just my 2 cents.
Author Ebeleptik38 Posted February 21, 2008 Author Posted February 21, 2008 Maybe you took my very thorough approach to this post a little too far. I guess you kinda have a point, but I'm not obsessing about it. I just really like her, the last few years I've dated plenty of women and they really don't even come close to this one. So obsessing...not really, hanging on to something good...yes. Plus I don't normally do LDR's and I'm used to seeing people within a more convienient distance.Maybe I should stop posting on here then for starters...I never thought I would be doing this in the first place for relationship advice. But thanks for your 2-cents...
carhill Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 To me it sounds like she's clearly communicating to you. Does the vibe from her match what your ears are hearing? My instinct would be to ease back and focus on enjoying her company when you get together. Her willingness to talk about the issue maturely tells me that she respects you. Are you saying in your OP that she started dating you one month after ending a 3 year relationship but didn't tell you that at the time, but later? I was a bit confused about that. If yes, that also might be pertinent. Perhaps she's seeing you as a serious prospect and is slowing things down a bit. Hey, I'm always the optimist
Author Ebeleptik38 Posted February 22, 2008 Author Posted February 22, 2008 To me it sounds like she's clearly communicating to you. Does the vibe from her match what your ears are hearing? My instinct would be to ease back and focus on enjoying her company when you get together. Her willingness to talk about the issue maturely tells me that she respects you. Are you saying in your OP that she started dating you one month after ending a 3 year relationship but didn't tell you that at the time, but later? I was a bit confused about that. If yes, that also might be pertinent. Perhaps she's seeing you as a serious prospect and is slowing things down a bit. Hey, I'm always the optimist Yes the vibe matches what my ears are hearing . I'm really not worried about this anymore since talking to her, I just wanted to share this on LS because I have been getting such great advice and responses, and just thought I'd like to hear what others would do in a similar situation, or that can relate. I think you have hit it right on the dot with her seeing me as a serious prospect, and yes is slowing things down a bit. Oh and to clear up your confusion...when we first started dating she said she had been out of the relationship for 4 months. But when I had "the talk" with her only a few days ago (after already dating for 3 months) she said that it had only been 4 months! So really it should have been like 7 months now..but apparently not. Confusing ain't it? Anyways i like your reponse not because its what I want to hear, but more so of how YOU are interpreting it. Just more reassurance for me . Thanks
carhill Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Hey, therapy works wonders. Hope my wife is as impressed with my insight My best wishes to you. Finding a compatible mate is hard to do...
Author Ebeleptik38 Posted February 23, 2008 Author Posted February 23, 2008 (edited) wow so check this out. After that response that seemed to settle my nerves a little, I talked to her today. She said that since her ex-bf wanted to spend V-day with her but couldn't since I did, (she has told me before that they are still good friends) that she promised she would hang out with him a different night...that being tonight. She had called me at work to give me her schedule next week for us to hang out and go to a comedy club, she was very upfront about her and her ex hanging out and told me to call her later to confirm our plans for next Friday. I asked when she would be done with their plans tonight and she said that she would just call me instead. The fact that he is taking her out for a post-valentines day kinda bothered me, but i thought nothing of it since she was so upfront, and also sent me an email about how she has really thinking about us and how she really wants to start putting more effort into seeing me and wanting to see where our relationship goes. I wasn't worried until she never even called me back tonight. Am I just over-analyzing now? I feel as though I should really reconsider this whole thing, I am definitely bothered by the fact that she didn't call me back tonight (especially after saying how she was going to put more effort into it!) I don't want to end up getting hurt if I continue sticking this out because its already bugging me. I almost want to just flee from the whole thing and tell her to figure out what she wants with all this! Would I be wrong for doing this? Or am I just jumping the gun now? Should I just play it cool and not even acknowledge any of this? WTF! Edited February 23, 2008 by Ebeleptik38
carhill Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 I'd play it cool and not let any other opportunities which came my way pass me by. Call her and ask her out again. See what happens. If a pattern emerges, then you'll have your answer. As another poster said, try not to "obsess" over this too much. I know I had this problem when I was younger and it was likely a big turn-off to the ladies I was interested in. It's the curse of an analytical mind
Author Ebeleptik38 Posted February 23, 2008 Author Posted February 23, 2008 So you don't think her Ex is a threat in any way? I mean if its been 4 months... there has to be something still there. I'm gonna take your advice and play it cool, but I really don't want to be some kind of re-bound or the guy thats going to make her realize that she should get back together with her Ex. I mean a 3 yr. relationship is long enough to still have feelings. Bah...I know your right Carhill... my mind is just going ****ing nuts, I can't stand it. Any effective ways to really get the "analytical mind to just stop dwelling?!!! It almost be nicer to just give-up and not even have to worry about it :/ Well thanks again man
AriaIncognito Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 wow so check this out. After that response that seemed to settle my nerves a little, I talked to her today. She said that since her ex-bf wanted to spend V-day with her but couldn't since I did, (she has told me before that they are still good friends) that she promised she would hang out with him a different night...that being tonight. She had called me at work to give me her schedule next week for us to hang out and go to a comedy club, she was very upfront about her and her ex hanging out and told me to call her later to confirm our plans for next Friday. I asked when she would be done with their plans tonight and she said that she would just call me instead. The fact that he is taking her out for a post-valentines day kinda bothered me, but i thought nothing of it since she was so upfront, and also sent me an email about how she has really thinking about us and how she really wants to start putting more effort into seeing me and wanting to see where our relationship goes. I wasn't worried until she never even called me back tonight. Am I just over-analyzing now? I feel as though I should really reconsider this whole thing, I am definitely bothered by the fact that she didn't call me back tonight (especially after saying how she was going to put more effort into it!) I don't want to end up getting hurt if I continue sticking this out because its already bugging me. I almost want to just flee from the whole thing and tell her to figure out what she wants with all this! Would I be wrong for doing this? Or am I just jumping the gun now? Should I just play it cool and not even acknowledge any of this? WTF! You write all of this and still are gonna sit there and tell me you aren't obsessing and/or overanalyzing? I think my original post that you didn't like, moreso hit it on the head than anything else, it's just not the one you want to believe... If this chick is spending time with her EX then she's NOT THAT INTO YOU!!!!
Author Ebeleptik38 Posted February 23, 2008 Author Posted February 23, 2008 So then I'm just being strung along?? Everything that she has been telling me is just her nicest way of cutting me loose? Thanks for the harsh reality check...christ!
AriaIncognito Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 So then I'm just being strung along?? Everything that she has been telling me is just her nicest way of cutting me loose? Thanks for the harsh reality check...christ! Ok, let's be frank here. If you were really into someone, would you contemplate going out with your ex? The answer should be NO. They are exes for a reason and going back to them as "friends" within a few months of the breakup means you're not over them and that you want them back. Do you really want to be her consolation prize? Because right now, that's what you're setting yourself up to be by being so accepting of her seeing him. Sure, I understand you guys aren't in a long term commited thing, but still, if she was over him, well, she'd not be seeing him. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I'm a woman and I know how we think. If we are into you, we are going to be with you, not be with you AND our ex, not if we have anyone elses feelings in mind but our own. Clearly her mind is not on how you are feeling, only on what she might want or need at the moment. You dont want something like that, unless you like being walked all over, in which case, keep letting her do it.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 Ok, let's be frank here. If you were really into someone, would you contemplate going out with your ex? The answer should be NO. They are exes for a reason and going back to them as "friends" within a few months of the breakup means you're not over them and that you want them back. Do you really want to be her consolation prize? Because right now, that's what you're setting yourself up to be by being so accepting of her seeing him. Sure, I understand you guys aren't in a long term commited thing, but still, if she was over him, well, she'd not be seeing him. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I'm a woman and I know how we think. If we are into you, we are going to be with you, not be with you AND our ex, not if we have anyone elses feelings in mind but our own. Clearly her mind is not on how you are feeling, only on what she might want or need at the moment. You dont want something like that, unless you like being walked all over, in which case, keep letting her do it. Aria's hit on a few blunt points. I think she might be using you as a sort of backup, considering she just recently broke up. Usually for a girl, the time after a breakup measures to the tune of either NC, coping, or rebound. I don't think you are her rebound per se, but you might fall into that category very soon. That is when she realizes it of cours
AriaIncognito Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 Aria's hit on a few blunt points. I think she might be using you as a sort of backup, considering she just recently broke up. Usually for a girl, the time after a breakup measures to the tune of either NC, coping, or rebound. I don't think you are her rebound per se, but you might fall into that category very soon. That is when she realizes it of cours I realize my comments are usually pretty blunt, and I dont mean them to be hurtful but well, in my last relationship, *I* was the consolation prize, and I know full well how much of a roller coaster ride it was (18 months worth!) and how it plays with your mind so badly. When I post about it, it's because I understand the hurt and am trying to keep others out of harms way. I thought he was the best thing since sliced bread and I couldnt imagine life without him. Well, my life has been without him since May of 2007 now, because he finally found someone he wanted to be with more than me. And it hurt like a son of b. I'm finally moving on, after months and months of pain, both in the relationship and after it. I really don't want that for others.
Author Ebeleptik38 Posted February 23, 2008 Author Posted February 23, 2008 .....ok well I just talked to her...and we talked about everything...and she gave me all honest the answers I needed to hear about her ex, her night, and us....and now I'm going to see her... women...and my stupid racing mind....
StarLily17 Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 Hi Ebel... It's funny what a similar situation we are in, although I'm a woman and the guy I am seeing just got out of a long relationship...about that long ago. We've been dating for nearly a month now. What confuses me is that he probably does the majority of the chasing, not me...though that's probably a guy thing. I like him a lot, but I am very hesitant to "dive all in", knowing the possibility may be thatI am a rebound for his ex. We haven't really touched on that subject yet, but he's told me more than a few times that he really likes me...a lot. So, not really sure what to think there... The best advice I can give is sort of to just meet her where she's at. Not everyone who talks to their ex wants to get back together with them...I am still very good friends with my ex whom I was seeing on-and-off for 7 years, which is a long time when you're 23 years old, as I am. I actually only got over him fairly recently, but I think I had known for the past year or so that he wasn't really "the one" for me...and in that past year I was able to date other people, whilst not really wanting to get back with him per se (meaning, I still had romantic feelings, but no desire to pursue the relationship with him). Now, the feelings are purely platonic, although, of course, I do care about him quite a bit. So, there's just a female's perspective on that... I have to admit I am very worried to that I'm just a rebound, but thankfully his ex lives very far away, in another state. It helps that, from what I can tell, I am extremely different from her in many ways...so I'm not really feeling like a replacement. I'm just seeing where things go and not diving in too soon- though I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't falling for this guy. Like I said, I was surprised at how similar our situations are. Good luck!
Author Ebeleptik38 Posted February 24, 2008 Author Posted February 24, 2008 Thanks Star Lily... I really like reading about you very similar situation but in a flip-flop kinda way. All in all very good to hear, I mean with how dynamic a relationship can get I'm surprised to hear that ours are very similar. I really appreciate Ariawoman's very "real" advice - i just don't think she knew just how retarded and complicated how this relationship is going. For the most part I after today I really think I have gotten the things that have been bothering me out of the way, especially how things went today! Thanks so much for sharing your own personal relationship because it really helps me relate to my situation! All I can say is communicate with your guy and be as upfront with him and yourself as you can be, and you will feel alot better with things. Thanks again for your input!
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