HeatherK08 Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Hi All. I'm a 28 year old divorced mother of two and have recently become involved with a married man. I've known him for over a year and yes, surprise surprise - I used to work for him. Feelings developed over the time I was working for him, but our relationship did not start until after I started a new position in another department within the same firm. He's orthodox jewish, 41, has been married for 15 years and has 3 children, a dog, a nice home, etc. etc. He's been in counseling for 3 years now, of his own accord, and has been going to marriage counseling for 2 years and has been on the verge of divorce for 5 years. I'm not jewish, or even religious. It's one of the 'issues' we would have to work through to be together. I approached him, not really knowing what would happen, but that I needed to talk to him and tell him how I felt about him, I knew somehow that he was very unhappy in his marriage (he never told me that, or indicated that he was). I didn't even know if he was interested in me, but something told me that I needed to just open up (I keep to myself at work and have never 'seen' anyone at work). We had drinks, had a good talk, where he basically told me that he's extremely happy that I have feelings for him because he's had a crush on me since I started working there. But, he said, where could things really go...I'm not even jewish, he doesn't just sleep with people so it couldn't be a casual thing, and on and on until I was convinced that I had made a huge mistake. I got up to leave and he got up and he kissed me MUCH to my surprise, and we have been on an emotional roller coaster ever since. I'm totally and completely in love with this man - I've had my share of relationships and can safely say he's the most quality and loving man I've ever met. When we first started seeing eachother (4 months ago) he was honest with his therapist, his marriage counselor and his wife about seeing me. He rented another apartment and told his wife he wanted a separation. We were together all the time, and even though he was nervous and scared about the whole thing, we talked things over a lot and I gave him a lot of space to figure things out (I've never done the desparate girlfriend, I'm too conceited). His wife is a very naive and sheltered person. But she is also very cold to him and neglects him. He doesn't tell me this, I can piece it together from phone calls I've overhead and facts that I've been able to grab. Well, they had this trip planned for some time to go to Israel to see his family, which they do every year, but this was special because it was his niece's bat mitsvah (sp?). He said that when he got back he would be making some decisions as to how to proceed with his divorce, etc., but gave me no assurances that that would happen. Well while they were away I turned into a complete basket case and got very insecure (for a day or two), during this vulnerable time he calls me up to say that his wife had just tried to have sex with him and that nothing happened but he feels guilty about it etc. It wasn't what happened that upset me; it was the way he did it, which was basically him being drunk, depressed, and angry and relaying it to me as if it were my fault (he said I made everyone else seem so inadequate). I was furious. And I wrote him a scathing email. I was really having seconds doubts about the whole thing (whether I could be that patient and objective). And he thought I was really done with him. He went back to sleeping at home. Eventually we did reconcile, but I told him that I needed more space from the whole thing because it was hurting me too much. So we decided not to talk about his personal issues at home, and I only asked him to tell me if he and his wife reconciled physically so I would know where we stand. So far he says that things have returned to 'normal' and she's just being a bitch as usual because now there is no emergency (he told her he wasn't seeing me anymore), and they've been putting off marriage counseling. In the meantime we do see eachother, it's wonderful when we're together, and he tells me all the time that he wants a life with me, but that I scared him off with my reaction when he was away and 4 months of a relationship compared to 15 years with her and his kids is a little hard to just give up on because he's happy with me right now. Which I agree, I wouldn't want someone that impulsive anyway. I'm so scared. That he will not have the guts to do what he needs to do, he was miserable before I was even in the picture and was dying a slow emotional death. The professionals say that if I want him to make a decision, that I would tell him I can't see him until he's divorced. I don't like ultimatums. I know he's not ready for that. I'm not ready for that. I guess we are just in limbo. I don't pressure him or bring it up, I'm just riding it out for now. I'm also being sociable with other males (NOT sexually) so I can even out those feelings with a sense of reality that he is not available. I don't tell him that I date - with his sheltered upbringing, I don't know that he would understand that I'm trying to protect myself. I mean the odds are that he's not leaving. I just get sick to my stomach thinking of the day that this will be over. I can't imagine my life without him. Reading the threads have been helpful, and I have a therapist who knows the whole situation. She thinks he has been good for me (she said he's changed me, made me more loving and happy) and says that it sounds like there is a possibility it could happen, but more than likely not, because of the religion and history and kids. Looking forward to any helpful comments/advice and getting know you guys on the boards. Hopefully you got through all of that Heather
OldEurope Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Hi Heather, Like you, I am not Jewish, and I cannot say that I know much about the role of religion in your MM's decision making.... However, that he is Orthodox Jewish does most likely mean he is very conservative. Furthermore, as he hinted to you, 4 months compared to a 15 year marriage is not enough to make him leave. The MMs of Loveshack lore are all sort of "dying an emotional death" as you will read here...usually just another way of saying they, the MMs, are bored within a claustrophobic marriage. But....to bring a marriage, one that has children, to the point of upheaval is a whole other matter. In addition to which, there is the "cultural" factor of your not being Jewish which at the moment is not an issue as you are a girlfriend, but should you start "pressing" for "more" it may very well become an issue, real to him or not. Please read these threads carefully because most are not happy stories and you might see yourself here. If you do decide to carry on the affair, give it a one year limit, and no more. If he hasn't "died" his emotional death by then...then he never will. xo OE
Author HeatherK08 Posted February 21, 2008 Author Posted February 21, 2008 That's funny, I was giving myself just 1 year of this (not that he's not a person worthy of more than that, I just can't bear the uncertainty). Either that, or I was going to wait until their anniversary in August and see if they went away together. If they did, I would stop seeing him - you don't celebrate something you're running away from right? I would convert, I've done 'religion' before and I know it means a lot to him, we've shared a few Shabbat's, and he's been thrilled teaching me things, it would be fun. Thanks for responding and for your advice.
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