richardcruz Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Okay so alot of you are familiar with my story. for those who aren't http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t141...t=dying+inside This weekend will be a month of NC for me. Basically my ex left me around Dec. and we continued to communicate and see each other for the next two months. I kept insisting (caling, texting etc.) and asking why she was doing this and things got progressively worse until last month when she told me she wanted nothing to do with me. She said alot of very hurtful things and was just really heartless. I haven't heard from her since. The last day we talked she hung up on me and I sent her a long text that ended in good bye forever. you are truly cold hearted. Well its gonna be a month now.. I obviously still have feelings for her and long for my lost relationship. I was thinking about sending her an email just saying hello and saying sorry for the way I acted in the end and for not giving her the space she wanted..I also wanted to tell her that I still l_ve her (which Im sure she knows how I still feel about her). So I composed this one page email but I saved it to my drafts folder. Just writing down all my thoughts kind of felt good. But my question is this. Will it be more beneficial for me to remain silent in NC or for me to send it. I figure if I send it, at least my memory will still be there with her and it will make her think, I don't want the whole out of sight, out of mind thing to happen. Its also has been a month now so maybe she isn't as upset as she was and she will actually take in what I'm saying and not just reject it out of annoyance. Now on the flip side, if I send it.. it could very well still annoy her. Maybe she will think to herself "Damn this guy is still trying even though I treated him like crap. Whats wrong with him?" Also they say that time builds attraction and if thats the case, I don't want to ruin it by sending an email showing that I'm still in the same place I was a month ago. She hasn't heard from me in a month so there's no telling what she's thinking. In other words would my chances truly improve of getting her back one day by remaining silent versus sending her this heart-felt email. I really can't imagine her ever contacting me again. The things she said were just too cruel and I can't even see how. For her to contact me would definitely be nothing short of a miracle. But is it better for someone to stew in their guilty conscious. In my last relationship, my ex cheated on me and blamed alot of it on me. I sent her a long email apologizing for all the things I had done wrong and when she responded, I felt as maybe I had just let her off the hook for what she had done to me, thus allowing her to move on without the guilt. I do not want to do that again. I know these things work ass-backwards and staying quiet just seems like the wrong thing to do. Then again I haven't exactly made the best decisions in the past with these things so I didn't want to make any sudden moves. Your opinions please...
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 ...Stay NC. Trust me. It shows your moving on. She'll find a way to contact you. But if anything why would you want a woman back who deserted you. Id I was you I'd be pissed.
realgone Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 stay NC. it's hard. it's driving me insane at the moment, but seriously, step back and think about it: YOU feel guilty?! you have nothing to feel guilty about. i don't know anything about your relationship, but anything you might've done wrong is old news 'cause she's gone. i'm sure you apologized when you were still in contact. i'm sure you validated whatever complaints she had. it's done. your guilt is just something you're manufacturing to hold onto the outside chance that MAYBE she'll come running back. and who knows? maybe she will, but it's not gonna happen because you call her and apologize some more. she'll find you if she needs to. right now you've just gotta suffer, but you don't need her to know about it. it'll only make it worse.
Belkin Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Don't send it. You'll regret having sent it, if she doesn't answer you'll want to know why not, if she does answer you'll want to continue the conversation.
Art_Critic Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Think of this: I obviously still have feelings for her and long for my lost relationship. and you want to contact her... She hasn't contacted you..Sooooooo you can conclude that she doesn't want a relationship with you.. Keep NC and you keep your self respect..
ANGUISHEDandBROKEN Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF???? You already know that the best policy is NC.... Get over it! Dammit!, you have read so much on here and written posts. Why the hell do you keep torturing yourself? She doesnt want you back! In the begining she was friendly, you kept calling, texting and sending E-mails till she got sick of you not letting go and now she doesnt want anything to do with you! Isnt that enough to not even think of sending her another E-mail.... Shes just gonna look at it, read it and pity your stupidness some more. Please, please, please stop torturing yourself, get a grip, and try and move on.....the more you contact the more you push her away.... You know all this already, im just reminding you, so.......whatever you had written, and saved in a folder.....I say just throw the whole folder out and dont even open that again.... You know what? Keep it and read it in 2-3 months and see what a fool you would have made yourself if you would have sent it.... Move on my friend, its really, really hard but thats what we all gotta do! LIVE AND LEARN
norajane Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 would my chances truly improve of getting her back one day This is where you're stuck. You still think you have a chance of getting her back. That's why you won't let it go and move on. She's not coming back. Once you accept that, you can start healing. Otherwise, you will keep hoping there is something you can do to get her back. There isn't. One thing for sure, though, she will have very little respect for you if you contact her now, again. And loss of respect kills desire faster than anything, if she has any desire for you left.
Author richardcruz Posted February 21, 2008 Author Posted February 21, 2008 WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF???? You already know that the best policy is NC.... Get over it! Dammit!, you have read so much on here and written posts. Why the hell do you keep torturing yourself? She doesnt want you back! In the begining she was friendly, you kept calling, texting and sending E-mails till she got sick of you not letting go and now she doesnt want anything to do with you! Isnt that enough to not even think of sending her another E-mail.... Shes just gonna look at it, read it and pity your stupidness some more. Please, please, please stop torturing yourself, get a grip, and try and move on.....the more you contact the more you push her away.... You know all this already, im just reminding you, so.......whatever you had written, and saved in a folder.....I say just throw the whole folder out and dont even open that again.... You know what? Keep it and read it in 2-3 months and see what a fool you would have made yourself if you would have sent it.... Move on my friend, its really, really hard but thats what we all gotta do! LIVE AND LEARN That one really hurt. Maybe thats what i needed to set me straight. Thanks.
dfreeman Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Please, please, please stop torturing yourself, get a grip, and try and move on.....the more you contact the more you push her away.... Richard - listen to a&b on this one - I am holding together much stronger than you are and I still have to remind myself of this about 200 times a day! We are happy to tell you the same things over and over, but even if you still need to hear it just once more - In your case more so than most even, NC is a MUST until she contacts you!
miami45uconn Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Yeah, i was just like you. I pushed my ex away and made myself unnattractive and weak. In my own mind i felt like i was laying it on the line and showing her how i really felt. To her i must have ben the most hopeless male on this earth and she definatley didn't want anything to do with me. One day you may find out it wasn't really love. Im hoping i will find that is the case for me or otherwise ill feel like ill be in this SH** hole for alonggggggggg time.
Lee725 Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Sending the email would definately be a bad idea. You will be sitting there waiting for a response and Not getting one is going to put you backwards. Stay in NC. Good Luck.
Joebo Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Basically my ex left me around Dec. and we continued to communicate and see each other for the next two months. I kept insisting (caling, texting etc.) and asking why she was doing this and things got progressively worse until last month when she told me she wanted nothing to do with me. Richard, I have done this recently and it does not work. Trust me. In some ways I am beginning to realise that I made a total ass of myself. I make no apologies for that. I was all over the place, it happens. I'm still pretty raw. However, I've now realised that I was torturing myself. It became an obsession. On Saturday we had a chance meeting after 3 weeks of no contact. We ended up having coffee but nothing has changed. I let her know that I still want her back (What was I thinking?!) and I really wish I hadn't now. I got the usual 'I'm still all over the place' response. She knows I'll be in town this weekend and that she can call me. No call has been forthcoming and I'm now feeling fairly sure that there will not be one. However, here's the thing, I sort of think that if I hadn't been in touch then she would have been. Therefore, I have hurt my own cause. And if she didn't get in touch? Well, it would now be 4 weeks NC and I'd be that bit further down the road. This has set me back a great deal. Although I did let her know in no uncertain terms that I will not be contacting her, and I wont! Don't do it, she knows how you feel, where you are and how to get in touch. Stay strong. Good luck. JB.
Author richardcruz Posted February 21, 2008 Author Posted February 21, 2008 We are happy to tell you the same things over and over, but even if you still need to hear it just once more - In your case more so than most even, NC is a MUST until she contacts you! I want to thank everyone for being really patient with my posts. I couldn't have made it this far in NC without every single one of your posts. I know my posts maybe repetitive. Obviously this isn't the first time I've posted with a question regarding my contemplation in breaking NC. Its a daily struggle for me really. Hell, yesterday seemed to be an hourly struggle. I'm sure I am one of the worst cases of having trouble letting go. But one day when this is all over and I'm healed up I will come back on here and be the inspiration to many that were in my situation that no matter how bad things are, no matter how stuck you are on a specific person, no matter how low you stooped yourself in pleading, begging, and crying; you will get over this. Now all this seems so distant from my current standing, but I know its attainable and I'll move towards that one step (post) at a time. I hope nobody feels they're post are going "in one ear and out the other" because thats truly not the case. Many times I post to reinforce the tiny voice inside my head with all of your feedback. Although, there are times when I feel that I'm just going to give in to my feelings and do something stupid. Regardless, everyones feedback has proven to be instrumental in my recuperation and I know that I would've never gotten to where I am at now approaching the 1 month NC mark without everyone here...Thanks again.
Belkin Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 (edited) I just love it how all LSers screams "GO NC" whenever someone asks whether or not they should contact their ex! That's the one most important thing I will have learned on this forum: NO CONTACT!!! And you should have learned it too Richardcruz! You're soon at the one month NC checkpoint! Hold on to that, and pretty soon you'll see the 2 months checkpoint coming up. You're so much stronger than you think, and that tiny voice in you needs to grow and ROAR. Oh, btw, I was wondering if I should txt my ex to wish her a happy winter vacation skiing? Edited February 22, 2008 by Belkin
Crestfallen_KH Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 I don't know where I read this, but its simplicity just rings so true: No contact means no new hurts. You're already hurt. Why add to the pile? There is only one way you would want her to respond and she will not respond that way. I just hit day 90 of NC with my now ex-husband. It does get easier. It still goes in and out, but it does get easier. And the self-respect you feel is priceless.
LOVE DAISIES Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Hi Richard, I would recommend a book for you to read, where they also strongly recommend at least a two month period of NC with an ex. It's "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken". It's written by a guy...a comedian..but he offers a LOT of "what NOT to do" advice. It's pretty funny too. I think you should check it out. It's a good read..and a lot of good advice.
ANGUISHEDandBROKEN Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 I want to thank everyone for being really patient with my posts. I couldn't have made it this far in NC without every single one of your posts. I know my posts maybe repetitive. Obviously this isn't the first time I've posted with a question regarding my contemplation in breaking NC. Its a daily struggle for me really. Hell, yesterday seemed to be an hourly struggle. I'm sure I am one of the worst cases of having trouble letting go. But one day when this is all over and I'm healed up I will come back on here and be the inspiration to many that were in my situation that no matter how bad things are, no matter how stuck you are on a specific person, no matter how low you stooped yourself in pleading, begging, and crying; you will get over this. Now all this seems so distant from my current standing, but I know its attainable and I'll move towards that one step (post) at a time. I hope nobody feels they're post are going "in one ear and out the other" because thats truly not the case. Many times I post to reinforce the tiny voice inside my head with all of your feedback. Although, there are times when I feel that I'm just going to give in to my feelings and do something stupid. Regardless, everyones feedback has proven to be instrumental in my recuperation and I know that I would've never gotten to where I am at now approaching the 1 month NC mark without everyone here...Thanks again. You dont have to thank anyone but yourself for listening to what we say... My 9 year relationship also ended in end/oct beg./nov..... It hurt like a bitch, it still does....I tried the friends thing for 6 weeks until I realized it was killing me just being there whenever she wanted... So... I went and said basically that I couldnt do it like that... see you around.... I have only seen her for important things that need to be taken care of because of the house... Otherwise, its just plain NC, and not because I hate her and she hates me...Its because I need to respect myself, and in order to have a future "friends" relationship with her I also have to respect her space. This is how life is, like I said before..... we´re human....we have emotions, some feel good and some feel bad.....but they feel like something, and thats what makes us special....feeling...its life experiences, and they just make us grow......its great!!!! If we didnt feel we would be robots. Just one more thing I would like to add... NC is not hard at all... and dont count the days, its not worth it....just plain and simple.......NO CONTACT.... Be strong my friend, you will feel better soon.... This is all so fresh for us!
dfreeman Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 My 9 year relationship also ended in end/oct beg./nov..... It hurt like a bitch, it still does....I tried the friends thing for 6 weeks until I realized it was killing me just being there whenever she wanted... So... I went and said basically that I couldnt do it like that... see you around.... I have only seen her for important things that need to be taken care of because of the house... Otherwise, its just plain NC, and not because I hate her and she hates me...Its because I need to respect myself, and in order to have a future "friends" relationship with her I also have to respect her space. Hey a&d, This post was so similar to what I am going through right now that it gives me chills. My break up of a 5-year relationship (total of 8 years counting close friendship) is just over 6 weeks past and there are parts of it that still hurt like hell. My desire to stay close to her daughter (I kinda had the role of stepfather to her) has caused me to put WAAAAY too much effort into the "friends" relationship. It is killing me for the same reason - I can't get any personal satisfaction out of this situation, but I still have to be courteous and friendly when she contacts me about the house (she is buying me out). It has finally been reduced to brief e-mail exchanges, but she still cutes them up when she wants that interaction from me and chills them down when she wants to continue to deliver the message that she is mad as hell about my behavior towards the end of our relationship. I am doing my best to deliver what I call "Respectful Forced Contact" - by this I mean, quick and succinct responses to her e-mails only. I never initiate contact - if I have anything to bring up about the house, I wait until I can squeeze it into a response to her message. This arrangement sucks bung, because if I start getting witty and funny with her (way more of a strength for me than her), then I would look clingy and needy. On the other hand, she gets to poke around and feel me out as she wishes, then slam me with the F'ing anger just to periodically remind me of how done we are. I think this is total BS because I am basically being robbed of my chance to let her miss me and more importantly, it breaks my NC every three or four days. Luckily for me, I am more concerned with getting over the break up than I am with her missing me and wanting to go back to work on a relationship with me. When we get the house stuff out of the way, I am going strict NC on her and plan on telling her that our friendship is officially on hold until we decide whether or not to pick it up in the future. That will leave me with only seeing her at her daughter's events (I'm pretty sure that sheer joy of seeing her daughter will make seeing the ex bearable). I know this post isn't adding much, but I just wanted to echo your thoughts about self-respect in this situation and reenforce how the effort to be friends with the ex can rob you of it if you are not careful.
Author richardcruz Posted February 22, 2008 Author Posted February 22, 2008 but they feel like something, and thats what makes us special....feeling...its life experiences, and they just make us grow......its great!!!! If we didnt feel we would be robots. I wish I could be a robot right about now lol. Like you said it hurts like bitch and i'm tired of feeling it.
dfreeman Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 I hope this is a reenforcement of Richard's thread and not a hijack! I've got my own little "e-mail her -vs- stay NC" debate going on with myself and I was hoping to get a few cock-punches and kicks to the teeth so that NC wins. In limited forced dealings with my ex, I have to put up with her awful anger towards me in regards to handling money and other neglect I pulled on her down the stretch of our relationship. She claims that I just have to deal with it because she is very angry about what I did and that is that. Of course, if it weren't for my deep affection for her daughter, I'd be telling her to F-OFF, talk to my lawyer and leave it at that, but I don't want to go that route unless I have to. This is totally unfair to me because I don't get to vent my anger/resentment centered around losing my family AND the house I spent two years fixing-up every F'ing weekend! The reason I haven't thrown this back at her, is because it is such an emotional topic between us and I am not convinced that I could pull it off without it sounding like a pitiful guilt-trip. This brings me to the e-mail... I am extremely confident that I can deliver said message in writing without the pity and guilt. Plus, I was going to piggyback the letter to restate my desire to have no personal contact between us for a few months. I find myself building up rationale for breaking NC by sending a letter to explain my feelings and request future NC??? So, by all means - slap me, kick me or just haul off and throw a brick at my head, but tell me why or why not I should send the e-mail. thx, dfree
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