whatcanisay Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 I was with my girlfriend through the second half of college and past that. We are both 25. Things were going well until Friday when she came over and broke up with me. It was painful for both of us because there was nothing wrong and she said she saw me as a friend and felt that our relationship was heading towards a friendship. After 5 great years she ended it when she did because she didn't want things to get worse. I was her first boyfriend but that was never a problem before. I'm not sure how to proceed as I'm crushed. I want her back and am not sure what to do. She wants to be best friends even if we need space now. We decided to give each other some room and reevaluate our friendship then. We were friends for a while before we got together, so I'm sure if we don't get back together, one day we'll be friends again. For me this was very very very unexpected and sudden. I'm having a hard time and would like advice on how to proceed?
realgone Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 first of all, sorry. it's a tough break and you're in for some hurt. you have to be strong right now, though. you have to be extremely vigilant about how you behave, listening to your mind and ignoring your emotions. if you can get together the strengh, and it's gonna take a lot, DO NOT contact her at all. NOTHING. leave her alone. avoid her like the plague. neither of you are in a position to discuss any of this effectively, and you need to take time to figure out exactly how you feel. read through LS. take as much time as you can. there's lots of good advice from people at all ends of what you're going through right now.
Author whatcanisay Posted February 21, 2008 Author Posted February 21, 2008 thanks for the reply. i'm already feeling pain. why not contact her? i have some thoughts on that. first of all, i don't want her to reap the benefits of having me around after she broke up with me. it'll make it easier for her and she'll forever let go. at the same time, we did talk once and it went really well. i don't want to forever lose her if we have a chance of continuing. the rough part is we never fought and things were always going well. yeah we go complacent after 5 years, but aside from that, we were strong. at what point should we get into contact again, and why should i disappear? it might make it easier one day for me to move on, but she might as well.
Arch Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 lol, when she decides she doesn't like you, you can't change that - its tough. So don't talk to her, don't be friends with her, if she wants to retry the relationship then she can prove it to you. Don't try to be her "friend" because its not going to work. Completely and totally ignore her, it was her choice to break up you owe her nothing.
realgone Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 at what point should we get into contact again, and why should i disappear? it might make it easier one day for me to move on, but she might as well. if she's gonna move on, you talking to her, telling her you'll change, apologizing, trying to get her back, trying to be her friend, etc, etc, is NOT gonna change anything. if she made a rash decision that she'll end up doubting and wanting you back, she'll let you know. it doesn't follow your logic, but it's just the way it is. if you're available to her, she'll perceive you as weak, unchallenging and boring, which might be the reason she's bouncing right now. 5 years and people start getting complacent and lazy, things get old, the spark dies out, and the hunt's over. your ex girl just spent the first half of her twenties with you and she's probably wondering what else is out there, wanting to find some new excitement. that doesn't mean she won't come running back to you at some point - nobody can say one way or the other - but you'll essentially nulify ALL chances of that happening if you let her have control. NO CONTACT is your only mechanism of control right now, and i suggest you use it for all its worth. if it's meant to be, she'll figure it out and come back. if it's not - and right now is the time to prepare for that reality - you'll have a much easier time getting through all of this without her stringing you along or making you feel worse. it's the last thing you want to do. believe me, i know. but avoid this girl like the plague for at least a month. if during that month she's putting in real effort to get you back, cross that bridge then.
BrianG Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 My exgf broke up with me a few months back after 5 yrs together as well so I know what your going thru. Take it from me, its gonna be a tough road ahead. I disagree with one of the previous posters. Don't ignore your feelings, because you don't want to bottle them up. Be angry when you need to, be sad or cry when you feel it, scream when you feel the need to. You are going through a grieving process and you will be experiencing many emotions for awhile because 5 yrs is a long time together. The reason other posters have told you to ignore contact with her because there is nothing that you can do that will change her mind. Only she can change her mind and anything you do will only validate her feelings and push her away further. You can look throughout this site on the benefits of NC (no contact). It helps you move on with your life and contact with her will only hurt you more, trust me! She made the decision to end the relationship, so you need to let her see the consequences of her decision, i.e. you not being a part of her life. Now if she contacts you, I would keep it short and sweet and DONT talk about the relationship. Let her bring it up. Look on this site about NC from a poster No Foolin anytime you have doubts contacting her. If you told her how you felt about her and that you were willing to work things out, then there is nothing else you can do, but leave the ball in her court. Stay busy whether its hobbies, sports, exercise, reading, etc. Take it from me your gonna have a few rough months ahead where you will doubt yourself, blame yourself, etc. Try to keep a positive attitude and realize that its her loss. If you get frustratd, sad, depressed, etc. with NC post here. There are a lot of great people on this site that are going through exactly what you are and we are all here to help.
realgone Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 yeah, don't ignore your emotions, just don't give into the emotional compulsion to call, beg, etc, cause if you think hard about it you'll know it won't do you any good. but definitely, you're gonna be experiencing a massive surplus of emotion right now, and you need to feel all of it. you just need to do it without her.
ANGUISHEDandBROKEN Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 I agree with what has been said by the other posters... Everybody goes through the same basically.....you will see for yourself if you dont take this advice.... Go NC, do not try and be friends with her, she will read you like a book and it will only make her stronger and you weaker... Forget her for now (this is nearly impossible), its the best thing to do. She needs space, and time......she might never come back, but if you keep up any type of contact you can be sure she will pull away from you even quicker and forever... Its done, your time together has passed and it was certainly a good life experience... take it for what it is. You will meet other beautiful and interesting people in your life, you will break heart, and have yours broken again......thats life, and thats why its worth living.... without emotions we are nothing but robots. This is not a good feeling at all (believe me I know, my 9year relationship ended in November), but it will make you stronger as a person. You will grow with this experience and take what you learned into your next relationship....and remember, by doing this you are bringing her with you because what you then know, was because she gave you some knowledge, and the same goes for her....you will always be a part of her, and she will bring you into other relationships....ALL IN ALL IS ALL WE ARE. Its not good to hear, but this is the truth.... Give yourself time to grieve, but be good to yourself.... AND REMEMBER......NO CONTACT PLEASE!!! YOU WILL ONLY DIG YOUR HOLE DEEPER AND HURT YOURSELF MORE!!!
dfreeman Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 But REALLY damned if ya DO! That's what you are looking at if you want anything good to come from your current situation. If you don't contact her, you will feel like she is slipping away forever and you have some magic conversation up your sleeve that will bring her back. You will (if you haven't already) convince yourself that there is something you can change in yourself that will fix whatever it is that broke you up. Because you can't see her and be a part of her life, you will sincerely think that she has forgotten about you and, if you are not careful, will start to have dark and painful imaginations of what she is doing with her time. If you do contact her, you get all of the benefits listed above PLUS... That magic conversation is a giant log in the water - any attempt you make to climb on and save the relationship will just spin it around and push it further away. When a woman leaves you, any suggestion you make to fix things usually breaks the two of you further apart, because she feels that her reasons for ending the relationship are not being validated by you. If she is constantly pestered with unwanted reminders of you and your pain right now, she will be forced to try to forget you for her own sanity. A lot of new posters on here like to follow their "gut" and try to explain themselves (especially while it is fresh) to get closure - I did it a couple of days after our break up and I accepted her answers as closure and respected our break as final. My advice to you is that if you give in to this desire to talk with her, make sure that she knows three things ahead of time... You come seeking acceptance and closure ... not reconciliation and denial. Request that she reserve enough time so that the talk can be thorough (not the kind of conversation you want to have twice - trust me!) You will respect whatever thoughts and feelings that she wishes to share (or not share). And, make sure you know a few things up-front... As much as you want to spill your guts out, you should shoot for about 70% listening, 20% talking (leaving 10% for awkward pauses of course).Bounce some things that you want to say to her off us first - we will certainly reject anything that resembles begging, or any other form of needy, clingy or even sappy messages.Be ready to feel like she didn't get much from this talk - it is your chance to get answers, but more importantly, your chance to show her that you have the stones to take whatever she has to say like a man. Personally though, I just wish I woulda read [No Foolin] before I had this talk with my ex - I woulda skipped the talk and called U-haul to reserve a truck instead My recovery really only started after I read this thread and sold myself on NC... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/ I hope you feel better soon and ask for help anytime!
paladin1 Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Trust me... I know exactly how you feel. My girlfriend; who I was very good friends with before we dated for 5 years... left as well; leaving me with feelings of loss of both a lover and a good friend. I, too, would love to at least be friends with her some day, though may not get past the things she did at the end of our relationship. Perhaps I'm seeing myself in you; but I have to say it would be impossible for me (or you) to truly be a friend to her right now. I would...someday perhaps...want my friend back as well, but it is something that would be extremely difficult for anyone to do until the feelings fade a bit. Could you really sit there with her over coffee and listen to her talk about the new guy she's seeing and interested in, because she wants your opinion as a friend?? I know no way in hell I could right now. No contact; for now.... perhaps someday we both will be able to get our friendships back with these people, but for now removing yourself from the situation makes it possible that you will both be ABLE to be friends in the future.
mental_traveller Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 She said she saw you as more of a friend - how often were you having sex in the last months of the relationship?
Tony T Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 I was with my girlfriend through the second half of college and past that. We are both 25. Things were going well until Friday when she came over and broke up with me. It was painful for both of us because there was nothing wrong and she said she saw me as a friend and felt that our relationship was heading towards a friendship. Uh, DUH? You girl is some kind of dumb. After five years, a friendship is the greatest thing for a relationship to become. Yes, of course, you have to work on the sex part. However, after a five years sex is NOTHING like it was in the beginning. If this girl couldn't come to you and discuss her feelings ahead of time and the two of you couldn't communicate to come to some sort of resolution, she's not worth having. Anybody who would spring something like this on you all of a sudden without giving you some information along the way is a rotten piece of xxxx. Was there something you were or weren't doing that you didn't mention is your original post? Friendship is great to have but to have a relationship it's certainly got to have a romantic component. There are MANY couples who have difficulty with this. Once all the glitter and newness has worn off, it's seldom like it was in the beginning so you have to work on the romance part. You might want to inform your ex about this....DUH!
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