Can a relationship get back what it once was?

[lino]

Nicki,

 

I know you feel like your getting ripped up right now and that everyone is against you. Sometimes that "Us against the world" attitude works great for a relationship... it can pull you two together.

 

I want you to know why I counseled you to leave your BF and not go back... even before things blew up.

 

See, your relationship had problems... I saw some fundamental incompatibilities between you two. You saw that too otherwise you would never have chased after the other guy... right?

 

Well once you realized that the other guy was pretty much scum... now your back to the BF, and all of those problems are still there, Plus new ones. However, you feel guilty for what you did, and the other guy was crap, so your more willing to settle. Do you see where I'm going?

 

At some point you will meet someone who you just click with. Someone who would make you happier. Then... you will either cheat again and carry that guilt forever, or pass up real happiness because your afraid to leave a guy that kinda fits.

 

I'm not trying to rip you down... I'm just looking at things from the outside... from the vantage point of someone who isn't emotionally involved in the situation.

 

Whichever way you go... I wish you well.

 

I agree with this

[Replicant]

 

I'm done here trying to argue the fact that many people cheat, they're not scum (if they try to fix it and learn from it) and try to convince you people otherwise. You already have your "opinions" but the only thing I would like to say is that the people that cheated on you weren't special enough to hold on to so in that sense we are so not on the same playing field.

 

Thanks for the "constructive criticism".

 

The problem is you have an absolutely warped introspect into what a cheater is. In this case it is looking into your very self and you cannot come to terms with the most basic element of cheating. People with higher moral values wont use cheating as a solution to solve their problems let alone even consider it. The reason you posted here was to rally support from people on your moral level, using this temporary crutch to support a fractured relationship and hide the fact of what you did does present you as a morally low class person. This entire thread is based on ignorance, selfishness, co-dependency issues and a pure lack of moral values.

 

People whom cheat need the therapy (for themselves) so they can see the reflection in the mirror for what it really is. If they can come out of this with a sense of understanding and strength then there is a high potential it wont effect future relationships.

 

There is no excuse for cheating period. To blame your boyfriend holds zero merit here. For those here whom have been cheated on, some are strong enough to see the cheaters for the very low quality of people they are in comparison to themselves and move past it and onto better relationships, while others may need additional therapy to understand it was not their fault, that their SO's morals are just flawed compared to theirs...Until it is fixed they have zero staying quality in a long term partner. Understanding that they do deserve someone better than that of a cheater, whom has enough moral character to work at long term relationship problems instead of someone whom will resort to cheating or other dirty tactics to gain what it is they feel they have lost through alternate means. This is not an example of showing your SO you care about them or that they are special, entirely the opposite.

 

So if the OP is so delusional to the point in which she thinks she can bury the past and ignore the continual signs of cruelty in which this has effected her boyfriends thinking, trust etc...Then she clearly is a lost cause, and will continue to behave like a human ashtray.

[amor est vitae essen]

First of all, I commend you on your level of maturity and I think you’re more of a man than any man here. Real men don’t give up, that is, if their gut doesn’t tell them to and if your intuition says go ahead.

 

I had to read this twice to see if there was a hidden winky in here, because it's a joke post, right? If not, then oh boy!

 

Not wishing to pick on elij, but he has admitted to having quite a lot of trouble with jealousy. Is that a Real Man trait too? Just for the record, staying with a cheating partner doesn't make you any better or worse than somebody who walks away. You have a very strange moral compass.

 

Coming from her side (me being the cheater) if she’s anything like me, she will not cheat on your again. I strongly recommend that you get the book “Not just friends” (recommended by another poster on this site.

She did lie, yes. But in my opinion now that it has happened she won’t lie again (atleast I wont) because why? She has learned from this whole thing that it would have been a whole lot easier to just tell the truth (sometimes it takes this to realize that).

 

So if your bf decides to cheat now and says he needed to to realise what he had with you, you'd presumably be ok with that, right?

 

But if she were planning to not be honest with you anymore, she would leave. No one likes to lie and she wasn’t trying to protect you, she was trying to protect herself from hurting you. (I’m learning this in the book).

 

No...just, no! I think you'll find that a lot of people are very good at lying, and have absolutely no problem with it. And why would she leave elij when it appears that she has a good deal going there?

 

I’m glad you don’t care what anyone else thinks. Neither does my bf. He is so mature, this is what a REAL MAN is all about. Women are the ones that are supposed to care what other people think, not men.

 

Ah, back to the Real Man thing again. Followed by some blantant sexist rubbish. Since when are men not supposed to care what people think? How old are you again?

 

You will be angry that she has put you in the position yes, she f*cked everything up and trust me, even if she doesn’t show it (like I do sometimes) it is eating her up inside.

 

Well, speculation is all we have, but for her to do what she did, for as long as she did, and with however many people she did, I'd be surprised if it was eating her up too much.

 

And talking about it would be good, probably. Although have you considered she might not want to because she enjoyed every bit of it? Humans are strange beasts, the thrill of doing things we know we shouldn't is quite the adrenaline rush.

 

She might have liked the other guy? Of course, she was blinded. Trust me; the guy that I cheated with is a loser. So far from what I would ever want from a man. Completely the opposite of my bf. I think that’s natural when choosing an affair partner. You think you don’t want what you have so naturally you seek out the opposite. Read the book. Try to do it together. Maybe rent 2 copies so you both can read it nsync. You’ll shed some light.

 

The bit I've bolded is just so sad. To be cheated on is bad enough, but if you believe it was because your partner thought they had something better then at least that could help you deal with it. To know that you were cheated-on with somebody who your partner thinks is a loser? Well, that amplifies what you did to an even greater low.

 

And the going for opposites thing: I'd like to see their evidence for that (probably half-a-dozen anecdotal stories extrapolated and presented as fact).

 

And by claiming you were blinded just makes it sound like you are trying to romanticise the whole-thing to take the nasty edge off it.

 

Trust me; it will not become a serial thing. If you touch the stove, you don’t touch it again. And if you want to touch it, you use a frickin hot mit, so if we find ourselves in the same situation, it would be a whole lot different. I would be honest and tell him something’s up – now knowing, he (you) can handle anything.

 

Based on that interesting analogy it seems you are just saying that you'll still cheat, but use protection. The only way that analogy would work is if you look at the stove, but never touch it again, period.

 

You may want to try couples counseling, suggest it to her, chances are, she’ll love you more for not being a dick and wanting to do whatever it takes to fix it. My bf and I are starting in a couple weeks.

 

This is just fantastic; she cheats on him, repeatedly, and yet *he'd* be a dick for not wanting to put-up with her anymore?

 

I realise you'll take little note of anything I've typed, which is fine, but it just seems you've already absolved yourself of your cheating and are now dressing it up as some uncontrollable thing that just happened (yeah, you were *blinded*).

 

For what it's worth, I don't think cheaters are scum, they are people. And people do stupid things and hurt one another. If there are enough positives in a relationship then I think it can survive infidelity and in that regard I wish you luck.

[amor est vitae essen]

In the case of my girlfriend, the big thing is getting her to talk about her affair. She cringes every time I even mention the name of the guy. She has no interest in continuing with this other guy, and thats a relief.

 

Why do you think she won't talk about it? What good reason is there for her not to? She's the one who had fun, you're the one who was hurt. Why won't she give you the common courtesy of telling you about it? Maybe she loved it but knows you don't want to hear that, so thinks it's better to not talk about it?

 

And how do you know she has no interest in this guy anymore? Maybe he doesn't want her, and that's why she came back? Maybe she's still seeing him. Why would she cringe about it? Isn't that a bit of an immature reaction?

 

The point is, if she won't talk about it, it *will* be a wall between you. You need some form of closure so you can move on, and she needs to be mature enough to be able to tell you why she did it - there *will* have been reasons.

 

I think you're right, Cobra, probably the best way to guard against cheating is to inspire my girlfriend to not go down that path ever again. So, in that vein, I think we need to be happy again. Striking a balance between dealing with the serious betrayal that has occurred, and moving forward, that is the challenge.

 

The problem is that if she wants to cheat, she will, irrespective of what you do. You said that you were happy together before you found out, right? That didn't stop her, did it? It also makes it sound like you will forever be having to do all the work in the relationship to make it 'good'. Is that fair on you? You both need to really talk about not only the affair, but how things are going to be moving forward. You need to not just accede to her just to keep her, you have to be worth more than that.

 

At this time, I have made a decision to continue this relation. I know, I know, you commenter guys have wisdom and compelling reasons to tell me to run -- but its a risk I am willing to take. I might come back here acting like a cynical, bitter, old man who has been twice-cheated by this girl. But I want to believe that she can change. I want to see the positive in this.

 

This is what I've said before about comfort zones; you don't want to leave it, so you'll convince yourself that everything will be ok and she'll now suddenly be a doting gf. Who knows, she may be? But it doesn't even sound like you believe it yourself. And I've not said what you should do; only you can decide that. I just think you should carefully consider both paths ahead of you.

 

I think that, as much as we all despise the fact that Nicki cheated as she did, she ought to be complimented on her mature way of dealing with the aftermath and trying to be a better person because of it.

 

I certainly don't despise Nicki for cheating, the world isn't so black and white; to look-down on people for character flaws would leave many people without anyone to talk to. I don't think what she did was in any way nice, though, and in some ways it is how a person reacts *after* the event that really shows their character, and that is what you should base your decision to stay or go on.

 

I still have a ways to go in setting things straight with my girlfriend, I am not naive (on that note, thanks a lot to all of you for awakening me to the ways of lying, cheats), but I do always have the option to get off the bus if it looks like we are going to crash again. I am going into this phase of our relationship with my eyes open. But I want to also set us up for success, not failure.

 

You have a *lot* to talk to her about. Good luck with it.

[elij]

Thanks, amor est vit. What's your story? Why you hanging out in LoveShack forums?

 

Anyhow, think you seriously misread some of my earlier comments. Don't have time to go into it all your misperceptions. But my girlfriend has not cheated "with many people." I said my girlfriend and I were happy after we got back together, then a month later after the guy she cheated with called me and told on her. This did not mean to imply she had been cheating on me after we got back together (though its possible, of course). In any case, I know she is not into the guy anymore nowadays, because, among a long array of other things, including her apparent love for me again, I sat with her and listened as she angrily told the guy in no uncertain terms that she did not want to see or talk to him ever again (this was about a month ago).

 

As for whether my past jealous mistakes disqualifies me from being a "real man" -- I could care less. Are you saying you don't experience jealousy? I thought everybody does, at some level.

 

The issue of my girlfriend not talking, when I first learned of her affair and confronted her, we talked at length the first few days. She was highly reticent to tell me things. She did not want to tell me many things. Eventually, after much insistence on my part, she gave me a basic explanation, and an overview of her relationship with this other guy, but I just believe there is more that needs to be discussed. I think her and I need to discuss again the whys and whats at some point very soon to clear up some lingering questions I got and to clarify, in my mind, whether things are truly different now with respect to potential infidelity. I also am trying to deal with the facts of this affair, and it would help me move forward to talk this out a bit more. But I think she believes we have done enough talking, just wants to put it behind us and be happy. How do I get her to deal with it? Relationship experts please comment on that one. On the other hand, I think there is something to be said for not wallowing in negativity all the time -- why be together at all if we just gonna talk about how ****ty things are/were. We are together again, she came back to me, and that says a lot and means a lot. Here in Loveshack, we can see there are countless people yearning to get back with their ex's, so this ain't all bad.

[vivrantflo]

Gotta chime in here..

 

Nikiloves, I was in the exact same boat as you just over a year ago. I know that you must feel attacked on here. I joined this site on the same pretense, and let me tell you.. I got beat up BAD by a lot of the members on here.

 

You have to remember.. a lot of members on this site were victims of cheating.. whereas people like you and I were the perpetrators.

 

Also remember this. We were in the wrong, so maybe taking the verbal abuse is deserved.

 

On the other hand, if you or I were such horrible monsters, that have no regret for what we've done.. we wouldn't be bothered to look for a site like this, and seek advice.

 

I got my butt kicked since becoming a member, but let me tell you I've learned ALOT since being here. I've gone from a self-centered arrogant dick, to really understanding the pain I've caused, fully understanding how to treat others and how to respect and cherish the ones that have chosen to have their hearts vulnerable to us. I'm sure my recent posts on this site have displayed my growth..

 

I'm half asleep so my rant may be off topic, but I do wish you and your partner the best. You did hurt him very bad, and you will go through ups and downs. Please be prepared to work very hard at making him feel loved, and LEARN from your choice you made to cheat... NOT mistake.. CHOICE.

 

If things don't work out, then what you have learned will be valuable regardless... A relationship with someone is so precious and beautiful.. the grass is NEVER greener on the other side..

 

Good luck hun

[Phateless]

Personally, if a girl cheated on me, I would be gone so fast she'd be left spinning. I'm guessing you cheated on him because you're not that into him or you don't respect him in the first place. Him taking you back has to lessen your respect for him. How can you guarantee him that it won't happen again? Why should he believe you?

[amor est vitae essen]

Thanks, amor est vit. What's your story? Why you hanging out in LoveShack forums?

 

Believe it or not, I actually enjoy reading about human interactions, and what better subject is there than love and relationships? On a personal level I've had my own woes but they aren't my reason for being here.

 

Anyhow, think you seriously misread some of my earlier comments. Don't have time to go into it all your misperceptions. But my girlfriend has not cheated "with many people." I said my girlfriend and I were happy after we got back together, then a month later after the guy she cheated with called me and told on her. This did not mean to imply she had been cheating on me after we got back together (though its possible, of course).

 

My apologies, I could well have misread something.

 

In any case, I know she is not into the guy anymore nowadays, because, among a long array of other things, including her apparent love for me again, I sat with her and listened as she angrily told the guy in no uncertain terms that she did not want to see or talk to him ever again (this was about a month ago).

 

Fair enough. Although the fact you say 'apparent' love is unfortunate. Are you not sure?

 

As for whether my past jealous mistakes disqualifies me from being a "real man" -- I could care less. Are you saying you don't experience jealousy? I thought everybody does, at some level.

 

I was actually taking umbrage at Nicki's ridiculous 'Real Man'-speech, rather than having a dig at you.

 

The issue of my girlfriend not talking, when I first learned of her affair and confronted her, we talked at length the first few days. She was highly reticent to tell me things. She did not want to tell me many things. Eventually, after much insistence on my part, she gave me a basic explanation, and an overview of her relationship with this other guy, but I just believe there is more that needs to be discussed. I think her and I need to discuss again the whys and whats at some point very soon to clear up some lingering questions I got and to clarify, in my mind, whether things are truly different now with respect to potential infidelity. I also am trying to deal with the facts of this affair, and it would help me move forward to talk this out a bit more. But I think she believes we have done enough talking, just wants to put it behind us and be happy. How do I get her to deal with it? Relationship experts please comment on that one. On the other hand, I think there is something to be said for not wallowing in negativity all the time -- why be together at all if we just gonna talk about how ****ty things are/were. We are together again, she came back to me, and that says a lot and means a lot. Here in Loveshack, we can see there are countless people yearning to get back with their ex's, so this ain't all bad.

 

Whilst there is something to be said for not dwelling on the affair, the problem is that unless you are very mentally strong and can turn a blind-eye, the fact that she is keeping parts of it secret from you will always leave doubt in your mind and will eat you up.

 

You need to tell her that for you to continue your relationship that it is important for you to understand it all, and whilst she may not like talking about it, you need that closure. Be warned, though, that you *will* hear things you don't like.

 

If nothing else, it's about maintaining some respect; if she truly wants to make things work then she needs to respect your need for information.

[amor est vitae essen]

I'm half asleep so my rant may be off topic, but I do wish you and your partner the best. You did hurt him very bad, and you will go through ups and downs. Please be prepared to work very hard at making him feel loved, and LEARN from your choice you made to cheat... NOT mistake.. CHOICE.

 

I think a lot of people are getting on Nicki's back because her language doesn't really express that she made a conscious choice to do what she did, and also seems to be happy to point the blame in part on her bf and by being 'blinded'.

 

I accept that some people do seem to have a very aggressive attitude to cheaters, though (the cheaters=scum brigade).

[realitycheck1111]

YES. I am sure I wouldn't cheat again. This was a huge mistake and even if I found myself at this point of being out of love and wanting to stray - I would handle it soooo much differently. I would tell him. My bf says that if I would have told him before it happened he would have been pissed but he would have respected me more for breaking it off first. Which is always what I've told myself that I would do. My incident occurred on the day that I broke it off. Cheated first (like an idiot - wasn't thinking clearly) then broke it off. I had wanted to end it before cheating occurred but I was too late. The other man that I cheated on my bf with lives out of town so it wasn't as if I could break up and then go meet him. This whole thing sounds disgusting, I am literally sickened with myself for what I've done. I've wrecked the most important and best thing that's ever happened to me and now it's hard to fix it, but I am willing.

 

My bf tells me that some things can be fixed - only if someone is willing. I am definitely willing.

 

It's only been two months since this has all happened. The ONLY reason I did it was for the sex and attention. Slutty I know.

 

If your gf is sorry and tells you that she is and you've had good trust before then yes, you can trust her. That's all you can do at this point, try to trust her or break up. In my case, my bf and I have great history so we want to try to work it out rather than give up.

 

The one problem that i see now since this has happened is sometimes my bf gets defensive at certain points. Like when I was talking about this guy that I went to HS with that we recently saw together out and about, my bf asked if he ever hits on me and I said no (because I was telling him that this guy has slept with all of my friends except me and one other one). Well then after I said no (he never hits on me) I said "do you think I'm cute enough" (implying as a joke, of course I'm cute enough, I know it, I don't know why this guy doesn't hit on me) but rather than a compliment of some sort I got from him "why do you care if you're cute enough for a man whore to hit on you, you should just care what I think". This wasn't what I was expecting but really, I deserve it.

 

Bottom line, anytime I look at another guy now, he's going to wonder. And that hurts.

 

I just hope at some point, months from now, that he can trust me again. at least enough to not wonder my intentions all the time. We're actually going to go to couples counseling in a couple of weeks.

 

Yesterday we were talking and he thinks there's still things out there that I've lied about that he wishes I would tell him bc he doesn't want to find out. What types of things does he mean? Were there more men? how many times I was with this other guy? etc. There was only one guy. What else does he think there would be? What is he wondering?

 

 

Holy s$$t !!!!!!!!!! I would swear this is my other half posting this!! could it be you???? the (talk) sounds just like the talk I had last night, what a coincidence!!!!!!

[nickilovespookie]

Holy s$$t !!!!!!!!!! I would swear this is my other half posting this!! could it be you???? the (talk) sounds just like the talk I had last night, what a coincidence!!!!!!

 

maybe it is me.

[realitycheck1111]

maybe it is me.

 

 

Without the rest of the world knowing, do tell please? (or how to know?) It just sounds to much of a coincidence to me.

[elij]

Believe it or not, I actually enjoy reading about human interactions, and what better subject is there than love and relationships? On a personal level I've had my own woes but they aren't my reason for being here.

 

IF YOU'RE SINCERELY TO HELP PEOPLE, GREAT. SOME PEOPLE HERE THOUGH SEEM TO GET A SICK PLEASURE OF SLICING UP PEOPLE FOR KICKS.

 

 

 

 

Fair enough. Although the fact you say 'apparent' love is unfortunate. Are you not sure?

 

SHE SAYS SHE LOVES ME. WANTS TO MARRY ME.

 

 

I was actually taking umbrage at Nicki's ridiculous 'Real Man'-speech, rather than having a dig at you.

 

OK, THOUGH I THINK SHE WAS JUST TRYING TO SAY IN A ROUNDABOUT WAY THAT AINT UNMANLY TO TAKE A GIRL BACK AND FORGIVE HER AFTER SHE HAS BEEN WITH ANOTHER MAN. I KNOW THIS, IT IS NOT AN EASY THING.

 

Whilst there is something to be said for not dwelling on the affair, the problem is that unless you are very mentally strong and can turn a blind-eye, the fact that she is keeping parts of it secret from you will always leave doubt in your mind and will eat you up.

 

ULTIMATELY, TO HAVE ANY CHANCE OF STAYING IN THIS RELATION, WILL HAVE TO BE MENTALLY STRONG ANYWAY I'D GUESS.

 

You need to tell her that for you to continue your relationship that it is important for you to understand it all, and whilst she may not like talking about it, you need that closure. Be warned, though, that you *will* hear things you don't like.

 

I ALREADY HAVE IMAGINED THE WORST AS BEING TRUE. WOULD BE GREAT TO BE SURPRISED WITH A BETTER REALITY.

 

If nothing else, it's about maintaining some respect; if she truly wants to make things work then she needs to respect your need for information.

 

I HAVE ALWAYS TRIED TO BE A GENTELMAN WITH MY WOMEN. I WILL WAIT TILL SHE IS READY TO TELL ME. THOUGH, I DO NEED TO DETERMINE ONE WAY OR ANOTHER IF SHE WILL BE FAITHFUL TO ME. I THINK THIS ISSUE COMES DOWN TO MATURITY AND VALUES, ANYWAY. SO, WILL TRY TO DECIDE BASED ON THAT.

[nickilovespookie]

Without the rest of the world knowing, do tell please? (or how to know?) It just sounds to much of a coincidence to me.

 

Don't worry about it. It's not "me". If it was "me" then you would be my bf and he would definitely know it's me based on my user name.

[Woggle]

You have severed that trust and even if you tape it back it back together things will never be the same again. I would also not be surprised if you cheated in the future because there will be times when things don't feel like a 24/7 romance novel and you will again succumb to the temptations of another man. I also think that a real men keaves once he is betrayed.

[twice_shy]

Personally, if a girl cheated on me, I would be gone so fast she'd be left spinning.

 

I didn't use to have this attitude. I was the one that wanted to stay and make it work because I thought it was love, i thought it could be worked out, and really, I wanted to stay more for the wrong reasons.

 

But now I agree with you. There are no 2nd chances, no trying to work anything out, cheat once, and you can pack your bags.

 

This is the thing I tell alot of people in the forum because I learned the hard way. And then I get flack for telling people to get a divorce or dump the cheater. That is my opinion, nobody has to follow it.

 

But if I can help someone save themselves from learning the hard way, I'd feel like I helped someone see the light.

[amor est vitae essen]

I HAVE ALWAYS TRIED TO BE A GENTELMAN WITH MY WOMEN. I WILL WAIT TILL SHE IS READY TO TELL ME. THOUGH, I DO NEED TO DETERMINE ONE WAY OR ANOTHER IF SHE WILL BE FAITHFUL TO ME. I THINK THIS ISSUE COMES DOWN TO MATURITY AND VALUES, ANYWAY. SO, WILL TRY TO DECIDE BASED ON THAT.

 

To be fair though, you've already been a gentleman and look where that has gotten you - here.

 

Re: the 'Real Man' stuff, my point was that staying with somebody who has cheated doesn't make you more or less of a man than somebody who leaves, and to hold such an attitude is at best niave, at worst idiotic. But like I say, I wasn't having a dig at you.

 

And imagining the worst and actually having the person you love tell you are two *very* different things. It's far more painful to hear it said than anything your imagination comes up with, even if the reality isn't as lurid as you believe. Hearing a person you've invested time, energy and emotion into talk about things she has done with another man is not fun. And what if she tells you she enjoyed it? It poses a lot more questions and will give you plenty more to turn-over in your mind.

 

Anyway, I hope it works out the best for both of you in the long-term, whatever that may be.

[its only me]

I was the one cheated on a year ago. It hurts and if you think your strong enough to be honest and answer questions and both are willing to hear the truth and be truthful. it can work.

 

Look back to feb 27, 08 I have my updated post to my thread "my husband and my friend"

 

we did alot of crying and alot of talking and LOTS of discussions of divorce.

 

yes I got beat up for being stupid and beliving him.

 

I still have lingering thoughts of his actions that come up. I tell him and he gets angry for me reminding him of what he did. then realizes that that is part of my healing process.

 

We are mending, we still talk about the past when the thoughts come up (or when I see her and want to know WHY!!!) They are less frequent and don't hurt as much now.

 

An as I said in my post...... if you BOTH want it to work out, you will find a way to forgive and go on.

 

Good Luck

[twice_shy]

I was the one cheated on a year ago. It hurts and if you think your strong enough to be honest and answer questions and both are willing to hear the truth and be truthful. it can work.

 

Look back to feb 27, 08 I have my updated post to my thread "my husband and my friend"

 

we did alot of crying and alot of talking and LOTS of discussions of divorce.

 

yes I got beat up for being stupid and beliving him.

 

I still have lingering thoughts of his actions that come up. I tell him and he gets angry for me reminding him of what he did. then realizes that that is part of my healing process.

 

We are mending, we still talk about the past when the thoughts come up (or when I see her and want to know WHY!!!) They are less frequent and don't hurt as much now.

 

An as I said in my post...... if you BOTH want it to work out, you will find a way to forgive and go on.

 

Good Luck

 

Well if you still bring it up, and you can't shake the visions of what he did to you, I really don't see how that is "working". It seems too many people simply settle for a life of always reliving in their mind what the person they have to look at day in and day out did to them. It may get to a point where someone might not think about it all the time, but it will come up.

 

What kind of life is that having to be reminded of that sh#t?

[its only me]

I don't like being reminded of that S*it either!!! but i am human and can't stop what the mind thinks.

 

He is reminded also of the hurt that has been caused. He knows that he does not want to be the cause of ANY hurt in our relationship again.

 

Our talks now are talks. Not fights. I can now tell him "I know you don't want to cheat" but I saw her today and I hate seeing her. But I can now see her with out visions of them together.

 

It will work

[Spectre]

Wow Nicki, I didn't think you could stoop any lower, but you did. You flat out said you were ok with your bf having from time to time to be reminded of your skanky behavior. That is love to you? Is this the friggin Bizarro world? Do you say "goodbye" when you greet someone? I mean what the hell? Sometimes I wish when a person who cheats posts here, the one who got cheated on would be able to read what they write. It is ok if your bf is reminded of you sleeping with another man, as long as you get what you want? Poor sap, I truly feel bad for him and I don't even know him. You wanna prove you love the guy? Leave him the F alone.

 

I'm gonna do a little Jerry Springer final thought here:

 

If you cheat on a person you are dating, you do not love them. If someone you are dating cheats on you, they do not love you. I do not care what they say, I do not care if they pass a polygraph test saying they will never cheat, it does not matter. It is a complete and utter lack of disrespect. There is no good reason to cheat, and the ones who say they did it for attention? No offense, but whores have sex for attention. People who cheat and them come here for advice do not deserve a damn cookie for finally trying to be decent. You don't get brownie points for being honest. No, we don't think you are cruel emotionless monsters, but you damn sure don't care about your s/o as much as you claim. To the guys and girls who wanna take cheaters back? I'm gonna be blunt here, and I mean no offense but: wake the hell up. No girl or guy accidentally takes their clothes off and sleeps with another person. It is NEVER your fault when someone cheats unless you drugged your s/o and forced them to screw another person. People who even think it is their fault have issues and are most likely afraid to be alone.

 

The bottom line is, if you want to have a meaningful relationship with a person who loves you, you should not attempt to get back with cheaters. Not only does it never end well, but you're basically telling them they can get away with whatever the hell they want.

 

This may sound harsh, but if you get cheated on and wanna take the person back? Your definition of love is as twisted as someone who cheats on a person and then claims to love them. I hate to say it, cuz Eli or whomever seems like a nice guy but dude: let her go. You may not want to, but you have to. It is not healthy for you OR her. I can understand loving someone so much it hurts and you still want them back, but to actually take them back is saying : I dont deserve a nice relationship, I want one tainted with lies, disrespect, and skanky behavior. I know plenty of couples who have had MAJOR problems with their relationship, both with people married for decades, or people just dating for months/years, yet they did not resort to cheating when they wanted attention, or were drunk, or were sad, or mad. That is an actual relationship. If you want a lie, then yes, go ahead, take the cheater back, and yes nicki, if you wanna be selfish and get only what you want, and doom your poor bf to a life he doesn't deserve, go right ahead and continue to pursue him.