Can you love someone but at the same time cheat on them?

[LILA BELL]

What do you think CAN you be in a relationship and love someone,but yet still cheat?

 

If you cheat on your SO does this mean you don't love them?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Yes, cakeeaters do it all the time. How?

 

Analogy time:

 

Picture the CE's heart as a puzzle. Each piece represents a set of needs he/she has for a partner(s). One piece is for the spouse. It represents security, family, stability, parenting partners, occasional and sometimes inspired sex, sometimes uninspired sex. One piece is for the other person. It represents ego gratification, 'new', thus exciting sex, the rush that putting limits on the relationship can provide, lust, friendship, etc.

 

The puzzle is not complete unless both pieces are there, and neither piece can nor will it ever fit the slot other than what it is intended for. If the 'other person' piece does replace the 'spouse' piece, then the 'other person' piece needs to be replaced with a new 'other person'.

 

It isn't about love for these CE types, it is about compartmentalizing needs to such an extent that they find that no one partner can fulfill them. They can and do love their spouses and in most cases find that they don't want to live without them. They just love them in a different way than how they love an 'other person' in their life.

 

I guess it could be said that a CE would say something along the lines of "I love my spouse like a spouse, and I love my OP as an OP". If forced to prioritize, they will choose the status quo: the wife/husband. Then when the coast is clear, they will go out and re-establish the OP relationship (unless the OP is making the affair complicated by insisting on wanting more), or they will go and find a new OP.

 

That is just the cakeeaters though, the ones who choose to stay married no matter what. They stay married because they want and need to. They are happy in their marriage. They just need something to fulfill the parts of them that have nothing to do with the marriage.

 

There are other people who cheat not because they compartmentalize their needs, but because their needs aren't being met, period and they look outside for it because it is easier to stay married than divorce. These types often care for their spouse in some obligational way, but if given the opportunity to leave and leave with a minimum of trouble, will leave. These are the ones who divorce because ultimately they aren't happy with their marriages and do fall out of love with their spouse.

[amaysngrace]

What do you think CAN you be in a relationship and love someone,but yet still cheat?

 

If you cheat on your SO does this mean you don't love them?

 

I think when people cheat it's about the cheater. I don't think it really has very much to do with the person being cheated on at all.

 

Do they love the person they cheated on? Possibly. Although by cheating they aren't treating them very lovingly.

 

A lot of them don't even feel remorse about it until they are found out and realize what they stand to lose. And then they try to convince their betrayed that they love them with all their hearts by telling them that over and over again. They are sorry. They never wanted to hurt you.

 

But actions speak louder than words.

[LILA BELL]

Do you think a CE can change? I've heard the saying once a cheat always a cheat,can that be true.

 

How would you know if you are a CE do you have to cheat numerous times or is it just once.

 

Does it really matter how often you have cheated once or seven times are'nt all cheater's the same and don't we all cheat for pretty much the same reason?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Do you think a CE can change? I've heard the saying once a cheat always a cheat,can that be true.

 

How would you know if you are a CE do you have to cheat numerous times or is it just once.

 

Does it really matter how often you have cheated once or seven times are'nt all cheater's the same and don't we all cheat for pretty much the same reason?

 

1. Yes, but they have to want to. As long as it works for them, why change it? Cakeeaters are the sort for which it can be said "once a cheat always a cheat" because their emotional makeup is designed for cheating. Some can change though and not want to cheat anymore - but they have to want to change, and they have to make an effort to. The person who is not a cakeeater and cheats can be remorseful and never do it again.

 

2. How do you know? I would think it would be clear. If you love your spouse and you are happy and do not want to get divorced, but find that you have needs unrelated to the marriage then you are probably a cakeeater. If you are unhappy in your marriage, do not love your spouse except obligationally and wish you could find a way to divorce then you are likely not a cakeeater. Like everything else, there are exceptions but generally speaking that is how it is.

 

3. Saying all cheaters are the same is like saying all OW are the same. It simply isn't true. People cheat for different reasons, and with different emotional outcomes.

[LILA BELL]

Well obviously I'm a cheater,what I am trying to figure out is why I cheat at times i feel as though i love my H and at times I feel like im no longer in love with him.

 

When i cheat i tell myself well you dont love him because if you did you wouldnt be cheating on him.

 

I then start to find any and every reason do be angry at him.

 

If i'm not have a PA or a EA i'm constantly flirting,i cant help it i like the attention from other men .

 

Which is why i have been struggling with these 2 questions.

 

1. can a person still be in love with SO and cheat ?

 

2. why do i fall in and out of love with my H all the time ?

 

Is this normal do other people feel this way ?

[sandflea]

Well obviously I'm a cheater,what I am trying to figure out is why I cheat at times i feel as though i love my H and at times I feel like im no longer in love with him.

 

When i cheat i tell myself well you dont love him because if you did you wouldnt be cheating on him.

 

I then start to find any and every reason do be angry at him.

 

If i'm not have a PA or a EA i'm constantly flirting,i cant help it i like the attention from other men .

 

Which is why i have been struggling with these 2 questions.

 

1. can a person still be in love with SO and cheat ?

 

2. why do i fall in and out of love with my H all the time ?

 

Is this normal do other people feel this way ?

 

Hon, look around you - EVERYONE wants more. Think I don't wanna shack up with the secretary? WRONG! I'm visualizing her bent over the copier right now.

 

1.) Of course! But it doesn't help.

 

2.) That's the question, isn't it? Why don't you ask him? LOL!

 

Seriously, you're doing some damage. You WILL get caught - it's just a matter of time. He may already know something is up.

 

Figure out what part of you feels like you need to be in a relationship while you're playing the field. Also, don't assume your SO isn't screwing around too.

[LILA BELL]

If you could cheat and get away with it would you do it ?

[sandflea]

If you could cheat and get away with it would you do it ?

 

Sure!

 

Actually, no. Oh, I'd fantasize about it, sure. I'd get all horny and probably almost go through with it - but no. If my history is an indicator, I wouldn't.

 

If I met someone I was ga ga about, and really wanted them, to the point I was going nuts, I'd call off my current relationship and take a chance.

 

If it didn't work out - I guess I'd have to say that I knew the risks.

 

That's why I'm single now - I want to play the field again, and hopefully meet someone great. It takes courage to put yourself out there, all on your own, and take responsibility for your success, or failure, at the old love game.

 

So, no - I wouldn't. I've only cheated once - I was in college. I knew then it wasn't for me. Between the guilt and jealousy - it wasn't worth it.

 

SF

[Precious K]

If you could cheat and get away with it would you do it ?

 

 

I think a lot of ppl would say yes.

Its having the best of both world. I think when you cheat is because the other person isnt giving you what you want. So its lack of communication. Plus having sex with someone new is much more exciting...lol.

 

My ex cleated on me and I didnt find out until he F'd up on a conversation. I mean some how some way the truth comes out. Did he love me while he did it. Umm... maybe. After he was done for sure... lol.

 

Maybe lila youre not into commitment.

[Trialbyfire]

What do you think CAN you be in a relationship and love someone,but yet still cheat?

 

If you cheat on your SO does this mean you don't love them?

Apparently, yes it's possible for someone to cheat and still be in love with their partner. Look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It's the ultimate cake eater/selfishness syndrome.

[LILA BELL]

So how do you do it then ?

 

I mean we are human just because we a M does not mean we are no longer attracted to other's.

 

How do you control yourself to not cheat?

 

I cant possibly cut off all contact with other men.

 

I have asked myself about the commitment thing,but i can't stand the thought of my H with another W.

[LILA BELL]

Is there really such a thing called NPD?

 

If so where can i read about it?

[Trialbyfire]

It's easy.

 

You're not an animal where your base instincts dominate every action. You don't need to procreate with every attractive male/female.

[sandflea]

So how do you do it then ?

 

I mean we are human just because we a M does not mean we are no longer attracted to other's.

 

How do you control yourself to not cheat?

 

I cant possibly cut off all contact with other men.

 

I have asked myself about the commitment thing,but i can't stand the thought of my H with another W.

 

That's the issue, isn't it. You want the passion, the variety, but also the support system.

 

How would your H feel about an open relationship? Have you guys ever tried swinging? I've heard that if both parties are mature, and understand exactly where the boundaries are, that it can really improve your relationship. I've never tried it, but I'm sure someone on this board has.

 

FWIW - I've felt the way you do. I think most people have. It's certainly normal to want to have both - however, I don't think it ususally ends well.

 

Best of luck!

 

SF

[Trialbyfire]

Google the full term Narcissistic Personality Disorder or use the Love Shack search engine. You will pull up a ton of information. It's a recognized disorder.

[sally4sara]

You can't cheat and lie to someone if you really love them. You may have fondness or comfort with them, but ultimately, if you are lying about your actions it is a form of disrespect. You can't REALLY love someone you have no respect for.

You can love someone and be upfront with them about your actions before hand. Tell them what you want to do and why; they might not like it and choose to leave you but they may also give a green light.

My BF and I were LDR for 8 months. We agreed to not expect monogamy from each other. Neither of us were monogamous, but when the distance was hemmed up, we still loved each other and are even stronger now than before. I can only attribute this to our honesty, our respect for each other, and seeing things equally when it the LDR part was over.

Sex and love don't always go hand in hand, but love and respect do. How can you lie and still have respect?

[mental_traveller]

What do you think CAN you be in a relationship and love someone,but yet still cheat?

 

If you cheat on your SO does this mean you don't love them?

 

Depends how you define love. I think you can have "companionship" love with someone, and still lust after others and eventually have sex with them. I think it's much harder to do that if you are in genuine passionate romantic love with someone - in that case you are gonna have all eyes on the object of your desire, and you would respect them too much to cheat. The thought of it would in fact make your stomach churn and disgust you.

 

Personally I have a strong interest in women, but on the few occasions I've been in love with one woman, I don't feel any desire to chase someone else, and find it easy to rebuff someone who might be interested. However, if I fall out of love or was not feeling that way in the first place, then I start noticing other hot girls, and it takes actual willpower to avoid flirting or potentially cheating.

 

People use "love" interchangeably, whereas you gotta distinguish between the hot burning passion and 100% devotion to one person, versus the more platonic/companionship love, which is what most couples settle into over time.

[LILA BELL]

Sometimes i get that strong boiling love for my H,and i say to myself ok im not going to cheat anymore i love him im not going to risk losing him,this feeling only last for about a month or so.

 

Then comes the feeling of im bored to death with him,he's lame i start thinking of everything possible thats wrong with him ..so this is the person that will cheat on him,and i will be this way usually for as long as im having the A EA or PA.

 

When the A is over only then is when i start to feel bad during the A i don't feel bad at all it's like a rollercoaster im happy im excited that is until i get home to my H .

 

How do i stop myself from cheating,how do i prevent this from happening again?

[amaysngrace]

How do i stop myself from cheating,how do i prevent this from happening again?

 

I guess you could start by seeing the positive of your husband when the urge to cheat strikes again. This way you will be less likely to justify cheating on him. If you only focus on his lame ways then cheating is likely.

 

Also I would seriously try and do a little soul-searching. As the cheater the problem lies with you. It's your choice to cheat. Not your husband forcing you to. So take responsibility for your actions rather than just passing it on to him.

 

IMO that's lame.

[Trialbyfire]

Sometimes i get that strong boiling love for my H,and i say to myself ok im not going to cheat anymore i love him im not going to risk losing him,this feeling only last for about a month or so.

 

Then comes the feeling of im bored to death with him,he's lame i start thinking of everything possible thats wrong with him ..so this is the person that will cheat on him,and i will be this way usually for as long as im having the A EA or PA.

 

When the A is over only then is when i start to feel bad during the A i don't feel bad at all it's like a rollercoaster im happy im excited that is until i get home to my H .

 

How do i stop myself from cheating,how do i prevent this from happening again?

It's easy. You say to yourself, what is broken inside of me, that I need so much external validation of self? Then you go get some help with a professional therapist or psychologist, of what has caused you to be this way. If you look deeply enough, you'll probably find what's caused this type of selfishness and insecurity.

[LoveLace]

Of course we can love someone and cheat, just because we love someone doesn't mean we make all the right choices. For some, yes it may mean that they do not really love that person anymore. Otherwise the list of reasons is in the hundreds and varies for everyone who does it. That reason is usually the basis for relationship survival assuming the cheat-ee finds out. It also depends on how the relationship was doing before the cheating, how serious it is, etc.

 

I mean, some people would accept the old I-got-really-drunk excuse.