only this aspect of my life seems to be not under my control

[goodbyelove]

here is my story:

 

i have been having a affair with a married man (who is also my boss) for past 2 and half years. initially it was physical but past 1 year it has been like a friendship with we sharing things with each other.

i am now 26 and he's 41.

 

i am very comfortable with this job and do no intend to leave for the next 2-3 years. however lately i have been feeling more attached to him, like i want to talk more, spend more time. i know he cannot give me that much like maybe a year ago, as he's having a lot of problems currently which he told me about (his mother being unwell, a new house under contruction for his parents, no maids at home, some financial issues etc).

i understand all of this, but sometimes i expect more from him but he's unable to give time. i get hurt and seek other friends, but since all my friends are my peers, i dont feel satisfied communicating like i do with him.

 

i can see that he tries as much as he can to take care of me, talk with me etc but sometimes i dont feel its enough. i dont want to sound selfish but i just wish things were like before...

 

sometimes i feel that he doesnt want to be with me anymore, and he's like bored and must be seeking new friendships, i even keep an eye on other females around..

if it gets too much to handle i just tell him that i am leaving this job and moving away from him but he always convices me to stay... he says that 'no body has taken care of you professionally physically emotionally and mentally like i have, so pls relax and chill, and stay'. he listens every bit of thing and never lets me leave abruptly..i do feel he is quite honest with me.

 

i also do want to stay as this job is well paying and good and i get to stay in my hometown which i love very much.

 

but this half baked relationship starts bothering me sometimes on an everyday basis as i cannot handle him not giving me enough time etc. i know i am getting attached to him but whenever i feel like this i just fight with him, tell him i want to leave, and that he doesnt care enough etc etc. everytime he convinces me to stay as he gets very protective about me bcoz i am a very sensitive person.

 

but after all these arguments i just disappear and like to stay away from work for sometime, take a break, just go away for a week or so. he doesnt mind this and understands and as a boss doesnt fuss about it. i have done like this 4-5 times. after this break i am mostly attracted back to my work as i miss it very much and then i am back to normal. but this keeps happening after every few months and causes instability in my life...

 

this whole cycle has happened many times

1. he is very caring and nice

2. he acts moody and doesnt talk much

3. i tolerate for some time and then get mad and start to fight

4. we have elaborate arguments over 1-2 days, after which he convinces me to stay

5. but i feel hurt and bad and disappear for some time

6. i come back only for work, am still hurt, but have to manage

7. goes back to no.1

 

there must be some way i can help myself, generally we have been great and he has helped me most during difficult times, both at work and off it. he's a great friend, i dont want to lose him but still have some control over this cycle... b coz its affects me badly..

 

pls help me, i am new here..

[Owl]

Here's my take on it...

 

The only way to end this is to break the cycle.

 

If you change nothing...nothing changes.

 

You need to end the affair. You've tried putting pressure on him to meet the emotional needs you mentioned, but it doesn't work. He's either not willing or not capable of meeting them. And there's no major onus for him to change. You can TRY forcing that change, but it sounds like he's not likely to really risk everything to keep you.

 

My suggestion would be to do what you've threatened to do...change jobs, move away.

 

Getting that distance...establishing NC between you...is the best way for you to "move on".

[goodbyelove]

Thanks for the response..

 

yes i know that the best i could do...

you know right now i am in the break phase and feeling a bit -hurt-miserable-okay- since i am away. and before leaving this time i have made him clear that that i am not coming back.

 

he called me 1-2 times today but i refused and said that this time my decision is final. he said he will wait for my re-evaluation of the decision and that he doesnt want me to end my career like this and that he will call back tom.

(as if its only the work and my career is important to him, he usually is concerned only about my work and my career during these fights bcoz he wants to avoid any emotional talks, that is smart right)

 

but i feel so foolish now, my work is suffering and i am dying to get back even if for a while. but now i cant and i am going to just relax and chill at home. i dont know what will happen tom...

 

this time seriously i dont want to see him, but what choice do i have? i do not have another offer on hand at the moment.

 

maybe there a another way, i definitely want to be stronger person....

right now i am alienated and feeling low..

[EnigmaXOXO]

It should read:

 

'no body has messed you up professionally physically emotionally and mentally like i have,

 

If this is your supervisor (or anyone’s supervisor for that matter) he ought to be fired for abusing his authority and fraternizing with one of his employees. Especially when it comes to playing head games with someone younger and more naive than he is.

 

I hope you save yourself a lot of grief and follow through with finding employment elsewhere. Preferably where the people you are hired to work for are more savvy and professional. Not all places of business operate like this one, and I would hate to see your reputation and future career aspirations forever soured because of it.

 

(as if its only the work and my career is important to him, he usually is concerned only about my work and my career during these fights bcoz he wants to avoid any emotional talks, that is smart right)

 

The only thing he is worried about right now is “his” career ... and the potential for p*ssing you off and jeopardizing that should your resignation include the “truth” behind why you’re leaving. Along with his marriage. That’s why he’s suddenly shifted to “work talk” in an attempt to pretend that everything is on the up n’ up. All business like now ... do you get it?

[goodbyelove]

thansk so much for the reply..

a little update:

 

today he called normally in the morning to check if i was coming to work. well i said no. i was a little impolite so i just said that sorry for being that ( b coz for a moment i felt bad fom him)

he said 'its okay, dont be sorry, just dont add to my stress please by saying ' i am leaving'

 

u know something i am really upset coz it sounds like its all about him, he and his stress. what about me? Am i not stressed? i dont know what to do next, i think i need to visit a doctor

[Aoife]

Hi goodbye!! It sounds a lot like my situation...I fell for my boss too, and like you, am looking into moving away!! I feel that changing jobs and moving town and cutting ties totally might be the only thing that stops this heartache. While we keep seeing the men we are in love with, we are never getting the chance to get over them and meet other free people whom we might have a future with. It sounds like he loves having you around, but it isn't about him, it's about you.

[whichwayisup]

u know something i am really upset coz it sounds like its all about him, he and his stress. what about me? Am i not stressed? i dont know what to do next, i think i need to visit a doctor

 

That's because it's all about him him and him. He puts himself first and expects you to do the same, think of him first before yourself. Not only has his words shown this, but his actions as well.

 

Maybe you should make an appt and go see a professional, talk this out. This situation is going to kill not only your career, but YOU as well. Remember life before him? Remember who you were? Where is that woman?

 

If you want to end it, end it and who cares what he thinks and feels. This is YOUR life so take control of it and don't let him or any other man ruin you.

[Owl]

If you want to end it, end it and who cares what he thinks and feels. This is YOUR life so take control of it and don't let him or any other man ruin you.

 

VERY WISE WORDS!

 

This is exactly the advice that I would sum up to the vast majority of posters who come here.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Why???

 

Out of all people?

 

Why your boss couldnt you be fired for inappropiate conduct in the workplace?

 

Women have it hard enough with sexual harrasment and you just hand the corporate office you on a silver platter, What's up with that?

[Gwyneth]

We are the same age, and I too dated someone the same age as your man, except he was two times divorced and wasn't married at the time (cuz at the time, that was simply a "no-no" for me).

 

Like any other relationship that needs to end, you have to let go and move forward. I know, easier said than done, but how else do you move on if you cannot let go? I find that I need complete closure. Actually, the man I was dating stood me up in June and still to this day I haven't heard from him. I then met MM (can you see why I'm insane now?). It's hard enough dating someone of an age difference, let alone a MM and someone who you want to be closer to but isn't allowing it. Same thing with my old man (that's what I called him). I wanted everything with him but he would pull away because he felt that I deserved much better. Of course he thought that I should be dating someone my age, but sometimes I don't think the fine details of a person's life really matters. It's what exists between you and that other person that matters.

 

Is there serious love between the two of you? Can it be fixed? If it's broken, and not fixable, then you need to move on and let that be your closure.

 

Nonetheless, he's your boss. My 'old man' was a coworker of mine and while dating the guy who worked in the room next door was so thrilling to me at the time, I look back and realize what a mistake that was, because my whole job experience was based on him. Is this what you are doing to? Are you not allowing yourself to move onto another job as well, to suceed in a better place--work place and in the heart?

 

Many things to think about. Of course you only learn from your mistakes, most of the time (that's how it works for me). But he is married, and he is your boss, and he is 15 years your age--that's many things to consider.

[goodbyelove]

Thanks all for your replies, I feel much stronger now.

 

That's because it's all about him him and him. He puts himself first and expects you to do the same, think of him first before yourself. Not only has his words shown this, but his actions as well.

 

Maybe you should make an appt and go see a professional, talk this out. This situation is going to kill not only your career, but YOU as well. Remember life before him? Remember who you were? Where is that woman?

 

Thanks for this, I can totally identify with this feeling, i met him when i was 24, and now i am going to be 27 soon, i seem to have lost myself completely, feels like these years dont belong to me, sad

 

update: I already told him yesterday that its final that i have left this job and his life but he wants to talk about everything else but this topic...as usual. i even smsed to him after out conversation that 'remember it cant be always about you, other people have feelings too'. I havent heard from him today (which is so like him as he would expect that now i would just come back).

 

I am going to sit back for a while, listen to my fav music, go shopping or somthing, try to feel better (little difficult at the moment)...

its the first time in these 2 and half years i have decided that i want to move on...i feel al confused and nervous

 

your replies have been a blessing to me