nellstar Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 good/happy marriages anymore out there? I'm not talking about 1 yr old... or below 5 cos usually it's all dandy cos it's well... kind of still new. Come on people... give me something to believe in! It's like a few of them stay for the kids... case in point would be my relative. A friend is not happy but just don't see 'divorcing' as an option. I have read here and everywhere else where people just don't appreciate their partners anymore. There bound to be something about them that later in the marriage that seems to turn into something big and you kind of resent your partner for that but you don't want to end cos you think you can still make it work but in the end, you just make peace of it and stay in the marriage and well, be unhappy for the rest of it. Then I know a few who got divorced and remarried and same thing happens all over again..... so what's the point in getting married or even have a partner?! I'm not kidding you, I am scared of committing to a man.... I don't even think I want to get married. Scary s***!! So is there any marriage out there ~ say above 5 years or even 10 that is still going on strong??? What's the secret?
littlekitty Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Part of the secret is good communication and being good friends. My eldest sister has been married 12 years now. My Parents In Law have been married some 20 years now. Both have a wonderful friendship with each other. They communicate well and also have a focus (not children) that they both enjoy together.
amaysngrace Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 I think divorce is a malignancy that is passed down from generation to generation. The key IMO to having a successful first marriage is to marry someone whose parents aren't divorced. They are the ones who are more apt to hang in there when things get tough and actually see it as a duty to hold it together in bad times because they've had loving role models. Of course there are always exceptions.
blind_otter Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 My parents were married for over 30 years when my father passed away in 2006. They had their ups and downs. At one point they even considered divorce, when I was around 6/7, but they reconciled and decided to move to a new town to make a fresh start. I took for granted how much they loved each other - Dad was 22 years my Mom's senior. But he would always playfully smack her butt. She would sit in his lap and cuddle. They always had their "afternoon naps" (hahaha) when they would lock the bedroom door. He was retired by the time I was 8, so he did the lion's share of the child rearing while Mom went to work all the time. It really showed how much they loved each other in the end, when Dad was dying of lung cancer. I remember once I was sitting in his room, hanging with him (probably watching the history channel). He was sitting in his chair in the corner, and my Mom came in and sat down at his feet. She pulled his legs and feet up into her lap and hugged them, and then looked up to him with such a beautiful expression of pure love and adoration. He caressed her face and they shared a lovely moment. I'm so glad I got to see that. When he died, she was devestated. I remember that they came to take his body away and she wept like a child, sitting on the bed next to him, hugging him to her. My sister and I climbed onto the bed with her and held her while they took my Dad's body away. Over a year later, she still is, to some extent. She really, really loved that man. And I know he really, really loved her.
Author nellstar Posted February 21, 2008 Author Posted February 21, 2008 My parents were married for over 30 years when my father passed away in 2006. They had their ups and downs. At one point they even considered divorce, when I was around 6/7, but they reconciled and decided to move to a new town to make a fresh start. I took for granted how much they loved each other - Dad was 22 years my Mom's senior. But he would always playfully smack her butt. She would sit in his lap and cuddle. They always had their "afternoon naps" (hahaha) when they would lock the bedroom door. He was retired by the time I was 8, so he did the lion's share of the child rearing while Mom went to work all the time. It really showed how much they loved each other in the end, when Dad was dying of lung cancer. I remember once I was sitting in his room, hanging with him (probably watching the history channel). He was sitting in his chair in the corner, and my Mom came in and sat down at his feet. She pulled his legs and feet up into her lap and hugged them, and then looked up to him with such a beautiful expression of pure love and adoration. He caressed her face and they shared a lovely moment. I'm so glad I got to see that. When he died, she was devestated. I remember that they came to take his body away and she wept like a child, sitting on the bed next to him, hugging him to her. My sister and I climbed onto the bed with her and held her while they took my Dad's body away. Over a year later, she still is, to some extent. She really, really loved that man. And I know he really, really loved her. THANK YOU for sharing that! Reading your post made me cry, still am! I can see that happening to older generations... but IDK... I don't see that happening now..... Even those after 6 or 10 years are still struggling....
Author nellstar Posted February 21, 2008 Author Posted February 21, 2008 The key IMO to having a successful first marriage is to marry someone whose parents aren't divorced. They are the ones who are more apt to hang in there when things get tough and actually see it as a duty to hold it together in bad times because they've had loving role models. IDK about that.... my ex got divorced 3 times.... and his parents are still together! As you said, there are exceptions.....
amaysngrace Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 I think you really need to find the right person and want to build a life with that person rather than "just be married". The mindset going into marriage has a lot to do with the success of the marriage too. I think too many people rush to get married without thinking about the marriage itself and that can cause it to fail too. It doesn't help much that divorce is so commonplace nowadays either. Maybe I change my mind...I think people who have a good strong solid marriage the first time around are lucky. And they know it which is why they appreciate it so much and wouldn't even think to destroy it.
littlekitty Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 My parents were married for over 30 years when my father passed away in 2006. They had their ups and downs. At one point they even considered divorce, when I was around 6/7, but they reconciled and decided to move to a new town to make a fresh start. I took for granted how much they loved each other - Dad was 22 years my Mom's senior. But he would always playfully smack her butt. She would sit in his lap and cuddle. They always had their "afternoon naps" (hahaha) when they would lock the bedroom door. He was retired by the time I was 8, so he did the lion's share of the child rearing while Mom went to work all the time. It really showed how much they loved each other in the end, when Dad was dying of lung cancer. I remember once I was sitting in his room, hanging with him (probably watching the history channel). He was sitting in his chair in the corner, and my Mom came in and sat down at his feet. She pulled his legs and feet up into her lap and hugged them, and then looked up to him with such a beautiful expression of pure love and adoration. He caressed her face and they shared a lovely moment. I'm so glad I got to see that. When he died, she was devestated. I remember that they came to take his body away and she wept like a child, sitting on the bed next to him, hugging him to her. My sister and I climbed onto the bed with her and held her while they took my Dad's body away. Over a year later, she still is, to some extent. She really, really loved that man. And I know he really, really loved her. That really is beautiful and moving to read BO.
JamesM Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 (edited) All marriages have problems and all marriages have their ups and downs. But that does not mean that there is no love or that the couple is not happy. Take a slice of the marriage at an up time and all looks good. Take a picture at a bad time, and you would think it is a failure. Personally, looking back over eighteen years, we have had both good and bad times. But we have a good marriage, and yes, I would say that for most we have a happy one. We are committed to each other despite any problems we have. Looking back over my posts and why I came here, one can sense the frustration that I have had, but that frustration that brought me here has been mostly resolved. And the fact is...if I was not committed to our marriage, then I would never have come here for answers. My attitude is that even if she is not perfect, she is perfect for me in enough ways that the differences can be overcome. I love her more than anyone, and she is so special in ways that no one has shown me to be. It is not just her beauty, but it is her personality and her compassion and her mischievous and...the list goes on. And so I think many feel that bring their problems here. Are there happy marriages? It is hard to say how many, but yes, there are many. However, looking at the outside is not a good measurement, nor is it good to look at them for a few days or weeks. It is the overall commitment and love that is the measurement. I know of a couple who had a very rough marriage. He was an alcoholic (not abusive) and she complained numerous times that she wanted to leave him. However, she never did. One day he decided he no longer wanted to be an alcoholic, so he quit. They resolved their differences and lived happily ever after...except happily ever after was only about five more years. You see... he discovered that he had liver cancer after their marriage became good again. So, he only had a few more years left to enjoy his wife, and he died. She never regretted sticking it out, and their final years were full of the love they had at the beginning Did they have a good marriage? Was the end the measurement of the quality of their marriage? Another couple had a tumultuous marriage or so it seemed to me. He was always complaining of how she did something or raised their boys. But as they grew older, he discovered how good she was. And she realized how stupid she was. Again, their happiness was only for a few years. They both did see the results of their labor with good boys and grandchildren. But he died of a heart attack suddenly at 60. Did they have a good marriage? Was the last few years the measurement by which it is decided if the marriage is a good one? And there is another couple who lived happily for most of their married life. She loved him and they raised good children and had grandchildren. They were both good churchgoing folk with great morals. Yet after fifty years they split because he supposedly cheated on her. I don't know how that one has turned out. Both are alive, and I think they did get back together again. Do they have a good marriage? Do we decide based on fifty years or on the last few years? So, yes, there are plenty of good marriages out there, but how you decide what is good or bad cannot be decided at one point in the marriage. It must be measured over the long haul. Until the marriage is ended by death or divorce, IMO, good or bad is hard to define. BTW, Blind Otter, beautiful story. That shows a great marriage. Love and commitment in a marriage does not mean that there are no problems. It simply means that instead of "you" having a problem, it means that "we" have a problem to solve. Edited February 21, 2008 by JamesM
underpants Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 I am lucky. I know several couples that are in it for the long haul and are happy. In kind to Otter's post. Some of the couples I know are dealing with aging and sickness. It is beautiful to see love grow stronger in the face of difficult times. That is love and commitment for you. I used to be attracted to men who's parents were still together. I thought maybe they had a higher sense of commitment due to example. The funny thing is those men were the ones that cheated or just disappeared. I recently discussed this with a friend and we concluded that perhaps the down side of having committed parents is no example of how to handle conflict. However, as Amay said. Their are exceptions to all theories. I also agree that marriage is not something to go into blindly. For me it would have to be someone that I can have mutual respect and honest communication with. A best friend....(that is HAWT...)
Author nellstar Posted February 21, 2008 Author Posted February 21, 2008 Whoa... thanks James and that was long to read but thanks. Yes I get all your points. The thing is, some people have gone through a lot together ~ bad times, good times ~ and yet they think they have had enough. Why not fight for it? Instead of looking for someone else outside of it? Why do some people feel that just because a W or H put on a little weight... they should treat their partners bad? Just some examples I have read around here and also on other forums. I can understand the complaints here and there about H/W ~ who doesn't but it's sometimes more than that... they keep things to themselves and don't talk about it... I heard or maybe read (can't remember) somewhere that you can't really tell your partner EVERYTHING..... there are things you keep to yourself... or you have to so that things don't go wrong.. or something? True? False?
Author nellstar Posted February 21, 2008 Author Posted February 21, 2008 I also agree that marriage is not something to go into blindly. For me it would have to be someone that I can have mutual respect and honest communication with. A best friend....(that is HAWT...) Marriage is something no one should go into blindly. Shouldn't even get married just for the sake of it... or because everyone around you is getting married!! That's what some of my friends are doing or did. A friend is talking about marriage with her new boyfriend ~ he is hitting on me behind her back!!!! Then I asked him, doesn't she mean anything to you? He said she does. It seems that this is normal? Another friend of mine had the same thing happened to her.
amaysngrace Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 I heard or maybe read (can't remember) somewhere that you can't really tell your partner EVERYTHING..... there are things you keep to yourself... or you have to so that things don't go wrong.. or something? True? False? My exH said that he did this to me during our marriage. He said he "had" to, for my own good. I thought it was rude. I'd have rather he brought it to my attention, whatever "it" was, so that we could have worked on it together instead of making me think there was something wrong with me that I couldn't handle "it". My BF and I talk about everything. I guess some things we don't discuss because it's not brought up but I'd never keep something from him on purpose.
Aloros Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 My parents have been happily married for over 30 years. They have little spats once in a while, but they're over in five, maybe ten minutes. I think the key for them has been to always put one another first, to communicate every day and not hold in feelings, and to never take one another for granted. They are so sweet together, and it's adorable when they tell us the story of how they met and started dating. They still sign cards to one another with "Your Secret Admirer". One thing that strikes me about them is that they will each go to great lengths to keep the other happy and healthy, and that if one of them is threatened or bothered in ANY way (including us kids!), the other leaps to their defense. My father is having problems with one of his eyes at the moment, and is unable to drive because of it. My mother has been driving him the hour commute to his office those days that he has to go in, staying there for the day, and then driving him back. After speaking separately with each of them, my father mentions how hard it must be on my mother to drive him back and forth, and my mother mentions how hard it must be for my dad to have these problems with his eye. Not a word of complaint from either of them! That, to me, is what it means to be devoted to someone. It is a pattern I've seen repeated in their relationship, time and time again.
Mr. Lucky Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 I think it's easy - you just have to marry "up". Not financially, looks, sex appeal, background, breeding or bloodlines; the trick is simply to marry a better person than you are. Someone who humbles you daily with their kindness, goodness and capacity to love so that you can't help but to try and raise your game to get close to their level. At least, for the last 20+ years, thats what's worked for me... Mr. Lucky
Recommended Posts