badly broken heart

[life_sucks]

Hi,im a 28yr old man,and i've just lost the love of my life.we'd been together for 11yrs and have an 8 yr old daughter together.we lived together for over 9 yrs.we got engaged last year and where to be wed this year.we've had our ups and downs over the yrs and had a good few break ups,some times lasting a few months,but always seemed to get back together because we both loved and missed each other so much.

 

 

about 90% of the time it was her that came back to me,wanting me back.a few weeks ago we had a big arguement (over money)and split up again.on valentines day i left a card and flowers for her,and we got back together that day.2 days later she tells me she isn't in love with me anymore and its over.its the hardest thing i've ever had to hear in my life,and i'm having real trouble coming to terms with it.she's not only my fiance,she's my best friend and my soulmate.

 

 

i'll be the 1st person to hold my hands up and say i treated her quite badly in the early yrs of our relationship.i was out with m8's all the time partying,and didnt make any effort to treat her like she deserved to be treated.this has changed a lot over the yrs though.i changed pretty much most of my life for her.i probably made the big mistake in telling her i would do anything to make our relationship work.since then,no matter what i do its not good enough for her.yrs ago nothing bothered her really.

 

 

i was a heavy cannabis user for yrs(not an excuse btw),and so was she,but she gave it up yrs ago.last yr,i gave up smoking cannabis,and cigs too to try and focus my life more on her.alcohol played a big part in the demise of our relationship.the pair of us where a couple of nutters with drink in us,and used to sit and pour drink down everynight.most of the time we had fun,but it turned to big trouble for us on plenty of occasions.so last yr,we both gave up drinking completely.

 

 

this was no problem for me,but she was very reluctant to do so.she has a group of friends who are always out drinking and partying,and she had recently been going out with them a lot.i didnt mind her goin out with them,just the state she got herself into when she was with them was rediculous.

 

anyway,i started my own business last yr,and devoted all my time,money,and effort into making it work.it was going well,but ended up a failure,leaving me pretty broke and jobless.now i'm going to job interviews all over the place to try and get myself sorted out.all i wanted was to get a job and to be able to pay my way.she was paying the bills pretty much all the time.i was giving her all the money i could give her but it was never enough.

 

there was a time when i had loads of money a few yrs back.that was the happiest time in our relationship.i was handing her a very good amount every week,and that was what made her happy.i'm pretty sure its the fact that at the moment i dont have much going for me that has made things turn out the way they have,and i understand that women want financial security and a good future out of a partner,but surely,if you love someone as much as she said she loved me (only a few weeks ago she was telling me how much she really loves me!!),you dont just fall out of love with them because of their financial situation?

 

i had an interview for a really well paying job a couple of weeks back which went really well.the whole time i was waiting to hear back bout it she was really loving,and i think if i'd have got it,this wouldnt have happened at all.when i got notice i didnt get the job(last week) things obviously changed to her.I do lots of things to try and help her out to make up for the lack of money at the mo.

 

i saved her a fortune doing 2weeks solid work on her car which she wrecked,only to have her turn round to me and say i dont help her out,and that the car didnt count??i keep her house clean for her,do all the decorating and loads of diy round the place.i even spent a fortune and mths of my time on the place making it into a lovely home,but none of this counts to her as its not money in her hand.

 

 

i just dont know what to be at now.i used to have a large circle of friends,but over the yrs i fell out with most,or just didnt bother with them to keep her happy and dedicate my time to her.now i have a couple of select friends just,and no real way of meeting new people.the last thing i need or really want is another women,but part of me feels a need to try and meet one.it sounds stupid i know.

 

i'm still looking for a job and have some part time work going at the minute to keep me going till something better comes along.i just spend every minute of my day thinking about it all.i've been here before with her,but never in our 11yrs together has she ever told me she doesnt love me!

 

when i wake up in the mornings and realise im not with her anymore,its like a ton weight landing on me.if i ever seen her with another man i dont think i could handle it.i miss her soo much,not just as a partner,but as my best friend.

 

i wish i could just jump on a plane and bugger off somewhere else and start again,but i could never leave my daughter behind.she means the world to me.but i have to see my ex everytime i go to pick her up,and how long till some other fella is livin there playin daddy.

 

i'm sorry to rant on so much,hope it makes some kind of sense too.i could probably type all day here and still not get this all off my chest,but it definatly helps to get it out there.if anybody has any advice,feel free to comment. thx for listening...

[curiousnycgirl]

Wow thanks - much easier to read.

 

My heart goes out to you, you are in a really awful situation. At this time I am not sure there is anything anyone can say that is going to make you feel better.

 

However you seem to really have decided that she has dropped you because you don't have enough money. Do you really believe that a true friend would do that? Frankly I don't, which of course means she was not a true friend.

 

Our partners should be there to stand by us through thick and thin. I am not saying this in the theoretical, this is how I live my life. My b/f lost his job approximately 3 years ago - at that time we had only been dating 7 months. He has since been trying to build a business, and has had no income.

 

In the past 3 years I have chosen to pick up the slack wherever possible. I pay for all our extras (dinners out, trips - mostly to visit his family, vet bills his dog, ALL etxras). My b/f is very proud, and this is very hard for him - but I see it as supporting him while he needs it and being a couple. I have offered to have him move in with me (eliminate one mortgage payment) but he can't do that.

 

I think you need to really spend some time focussing on you, and your daughter of course, and figuring out what YOU want/need out of life. You were very young when you got together with your ex - you have both continued to grow - possibly you've grown apart.

 

It just doesn't feel like this was the right relationship for you. So take this time to figure out what you want next, and how you will coordinate support and time with your daughter.

 

Good luck and keep posting - we're here for you.

[life_sucks]

yeah,she pretty much told me she's sick of supporting me.everytime theres any kind of dissagrement about anything she's straight in with the money talk.as i say,when i had loads of money for a while,things couldn't have been better.

 

there where no fights at all,and its the longest we had ever went without falling out.i bought her a £1000 engagement ring,and paid over £1000 for the honeymoon,and near the same towards the wedding.i now have the ring back,but she cashed in the honeymoon behind my back and kept the money.

 

i would have thought true love meant sticking by someone no matter what,but she doesn't see it that way.problem is all her friends are all young and in very recent relationships.what she fails to see is we've been goin for 11yrs,and have a daughter.we're slightly past the honeymoon stage that her friends are all at with there fellas.

 

she sees them all so happy and in love and thinks she's missing out.she had our daughter when she was only 17.so she missed out on yrs of bein young.i think she's in some kind of very early mid life crisis.we had a big fight bout money 6 mths ago and split for a while.she went straight out and borrowed £18,000 and bought herself a new fancy sports car which she can barely afford to run,loads of new clothes,started goin to the gym(never did for me),changed her hair,and went on a weekend away with her m8's.

 

on this weekend away,she got together with some fella in a bar,and her m8's posted pics of this on the internet where i would see them.they even put haha at the bottom of the pics for my benifit.we'd only been apart for one week.she has never even really kissed another fella before when we broke up,and is really not that type of girl,but her new m8's are a bunch of tarts.

ah well,i just dont know what to do.really i just miss her and want her back,but deep down i know what your saying makes sense.if she really loved me and was my true friend,she wouldnt have got on like this.my life would be so much easier if i didnt have to see her all the time,but its not an option unfortunatly.

 

thanks for your reply,it really helps to talk about it.dont have too many people round me i can open up too anymore.

[curiousnycgirl]

I really think it would help you to seek therapy. I think it will help you figure out what you want/need, and help you get over this blow.

 

Clearly your priority is to be able to lose the sorrow so that you can remain actively involved with your daughter.

 

Try to find a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist - this is what they focus on.

[life_sucks]

had a look at therapists online there.there's a place near me that does that kind of therapy.i may just look into it if things dont improve for me soon.thanks again...

[sedgwick]

Any fulfilled woman will not look to her partner for financial security, and will not base whether or not she loves him on how much money he has.

[life_sucks]

right,i made a decision last night.i'm gonna remove anything i have left in her house today,and put a no contact rule in place.i feel its the only way to get past this.everytime i see her it starts it all back up again for me,and i want to be able to get over her.its just gonna be hard for me, what with having to pick the child up from her twice a week,but i'll have to organise it that i just pick her up from somewhere else.

 

its sad we cant both be adult enough to just get on as parents,but i know what she's like.she'll be all dressed up nice and lookin really well everytime i go to get my daughter,playin wee mind games with me.and i dont need that to be honest!

 

i'm gonna remove all pics of her from my phone and put them in a folder deep in my computer where i'll not look at them all the time.thats ruining me at nights.i just cant help lookin at her.its even harder because she really is one of the prettiest girls ive ever laid eyes on.and thats not just me saying that cause i love her,she really is serioulsy stunning to look at!its a nightmare,but hopefullt this will all make it easier...