Serious consequences of adultry

[HappyAtLast]

all of the things after an affair has been discovered? Only excuses. Adults are fully aware of the consequences of their actions. Maybe they don't care, or they don't think they will get caught, but - rest assured, they are aware.

[HappyAtLast]

are they really surprised? I myself was prepared to face whatever consequences that my A brought about. It is truly hard to imagine someone being that arrogant that they are surprised when they are found out. Amazing what the mind can talk one into.

[the_dean]

I am not making excuses but I can tell you that you can go from a working relationship to an EA before you know what happened and your judgment can be clouded especially if you are very busy and have a lot going on in your life.

 

It can be a short distance between an appropiate casual friendship to an EA and you kind of wonder what happened.

 

Yes there were places where I should have drawn the line but I did back out as soon as things threatened to turned physical.

 

I am just pointing out this stuff is not as black and white as people think. There are generally a lot of factors and I can assure that 3 years ago when I had an EA, I was not counsciouslly looking for one.

 

Dean

[HappyAtLast]

But - you are still making a conscious decision to cross the line. You know that you are. I knew that I was.

[Cobra_X30]

I'm still not sure who I respect more.

At the time when everything happened, I was so full of anger and hatred for my mom. My dad won custody of us kids for the divorce and the guy who my mom was seeing had to pay his wife alimony for two years, which made me me extremely happy.

I was happy for the way that my dad handled things. The very moment he realized that my moms stories were not matching up, he hooked up a recording device to the phone and hired someone to follow my mom around, so he had all the proof that he needed.

Living with my dad was no picnic either. He lied about alot of things, got into some drugs, and even borrowed money from me telling me that he needed the money for bills when in fact it was for drugs. Our phone, cable, and at times the heat was turned off because he didn't have money to pay the bills.

Now I have gone off topic and I apologize for it.

 

I feel that losing a child's respect would fall under the umbrella of affair consequences. So, I don't think that your really off topic, however I apologize for leading you down that path.

 

I really understand that. My mother got custody of my sister and I. We were older 14 and 16... so I wound up kind of choosing to live with my dad. No drug problems, but most of the time he had the emotional capability of a robot.

 

I've pretty much removed my mom from all aspects of my life. We don't talk, we are not close, but I don't think she really cares anyway.

 

So, I think you can lose more than just time with your kids... not that this would stop anyone from getting into an affair.

 

I am not making excuses but I can tell you that you can go from a working relationship to an EA before you know what happened and your judgment can be clouded especially if you are very busy and have a lot going on in your life.

It can be a short distance between an appropiate casual friendship to an EA and you kind of wonder what happened.

Yes there were places where I should have drawn the line but I did back out as soon as things threatened to turned physical.

I am just pointing out this stuff is not as black and white as people think. There are generally a lot of factors and I can assure that 3 years ago when I had an EA, I was not counsciouslly looking for one.

Dean

 

I look at it like this Dean. If you stand really close to something, you can focus on the tiny little details, when you step back then you can see the whole picture.

 

The point of that is when your right there in the moment, we rarely have the presence of mind to take that mental step back and look at things as a whole. We instead focus on small little details, like how we feel at the moment, and that blinds us to the big picture.

 

So, I agree with what your saying! Whole heartedly in fact. However, it doesn't have to be like that, I don't see any reason we can't assess situations periodically from a point of emotional clarity. It's not like we don't realize when something does not feel right.

[Pyro]

I feel that losing a child's respect would fall under the umbrella of affair consequences. So, I don't think that your really off topic, however I apologize for leading you down that path.

 

I really understand that. My mother got custody of my sister and I. We were older 14 and 16... so I wound up kind of choosing to live with my dad. No drug problems, but most of the time he had the emotional capability of a robot.

 

I've pretty much removed my mom from all aspects of my life. We don't talk, we are not close, but I don't think she really cares anyway.

 

So, I think you can lose more than just time with your kids... not that this would stop anyone from getting into an affair.

 

No need for an apology.

 

I did lose respect for my mom because of the affair and I lost respect for my dad for how he was with the lying and such. In the end, I am not close to either one of them anymore.

 

I was 14 when everything went down.

 

Affairs can be a life changing experience..........

[45Reverse]

Well said OE.. I totally agree... in a lot of cases, the BS is to blame..

 

Gotta call bull $#it on this. The BS is never to blame. They may not be a good match for you as a spouse but cheating requires YOU (the cheater) to make a concious decision to cheat. The BS can't make the decision for you.

 

Do the right thing and divorce the spouse first before you go dipping your pen in another's ink well.. Anything less is all on the cheater.

 

You did it....so you can own it

[the_dean]

I will say there has been a positive for me on my PA. That upset my wife a great deal but she also came to realize that she had completely shut me out of her life, gained tons of weight, and moved out the bedroom and sleeps in another bedroom every night.

 

Once get go into serious discussions after my short lived PA, she really is motivated to improve things so we dont have to get divorced.

 

I am not saying we wont get divorced and i am not condoing what i did but the fact remains that sometimes a bad situation can produce a positive situation. If this gets me and my wife back on the same wavelength and for us to each put more effort into the marrraige then it may be a good thing in the big picture.

 

Dean

[Lizzie60]

I will say there has been a positive for me on my PA. That upset my wife a great deal but she also came to realize that she had completely shut me out of her life, gained tons of weight, and moved out the bedroom and sleeps in another bedroom every night.

 

Once get go into serious discussions after my short lived PA, she really is motivated to improve things so we dont have to get divorced.

 

I am not saying we wont get divorced and i am not condoing what i did but the fact remains that sometimes a bad situation can produce a positive situation. If this gets me and my wife back on the same wavelength and for us to each put more effort into the marrraige then it may be a good thing in the big picture.

 

Dean

 

I've always said that sometimes an A is good for the marriage..

[Trialbyfire]

I will say there has been a positive for me on my PA.

An affair is all about you and remains positive for you. Very selfish thinking.

[stampdaddy]

I feel that losing a child's respect would fall under the umbrella of affair consequences. So, I don't think that your really off topic, however I apologize for leading you down that path.

 

I really understand that. My mother got custody of my sister and I. We were older 14 and 16... so I wound up kind of choosing to live with my dad. No drug problems, but most of the time he had the emotional capability of a robot.

 

I've pretty much removed my mom from all aspects of my life. We don't talk, we are not close, but I don't think she really cares anyway.

 

So, I think you can lose more than just time with your kids... not that this would stop anyone from getting into an affair.

 

I look at it like this Dean. If you stand really close to something, you can focus on the tiny little details, when you step back then you can see the whole picture.

 

The point of that is when your right there in the moment, we rarely have the presence of mind to take that mental step back and look at things as a whole. We instead focus on small little details, like how we feel at the moment, and that blinds us to the big picture.

 

So, I agree with what your saying! Whole heartedly in fact. However, it doesn't have to be like that, I don't see any reason we can't assess situations periodically from a point of emotional clarity. It's not like we don't realize when something does not feel right.

This is EXACTLY what "I" needed to hear.. Thank You

[Lizzie60]

I've always said that sometimes an A is good for the marriage..

 

I am the 'Affair Whisperer'..

[the_dean]

An affair is all about you and remains positive for you. Very selfish thinking.

 

This appears to be very narrowminded thinkng.

 

The situation was where my wife wanted nothing to do with me well before I had any type of either EA or PA.

 

Anyways, I do not have to justify my actions to you but I think you need to try to get rid of all your preconceived notions that you know what is best for everyone else.

 

Most of the people have complicated situations that is not as simple as classifying each action as good ro bad,, selfish or unselfish.

 

Dean

[Lizzie60]

This appears to be very narrowminded thinkng.

 

The situation was where my wife wanted nothing to do with me well before I had any type of either EA or PA.

 

Anyways, I do not have to justify my actions to you but I think you need to try to get rid of all your preconceived notions that you know what is best for everyone else.

 

Most of the people have complicated situations that is not as simple as classifying each action as good ro bad,, selfish or unselfish.

 

Dean

 

So true.. I am convinced that an A (I'm not talking about a 10-15 yr affair) can make a relationship stronger because it strenghtens up the bond sometimes.

[OWoman]

are they really surprised? I myself was prepared to face whatever consequences that my A brought about. It is truly hard to imagine someone being that arrogant that they are surprised when they are found out. Amazing what the mind can talk one into.

 

Every one of my As has been preceded by The Talk: my conditions, expectations, and what I wanted; and theirs. The possible consequences, and whether they were prepared for those. Or any others that they needed to consider, or that may arise without advance warning. Only once they signed off on all of that did anything begin.

 

None of them could claim to have been caught by surprise by any consequences... except for current stb-not-so-MM, who fell in love with me and me with him despite that having not been on the agenda at all!

 

But the other consequences - discovery, fall-out, heartache - that was all up-front and accepted. (Funny how we prepare for the worst, but not for the best....)

[OldEurope]

But that isn't what this thread was about. The OP was obviously looking for reasons NOT to have an A' date=' not for the ever elusive for the vast majority of folks in As that Don't end up together. Or even if they do, [b']its always shrouded in shame[/b].

 

There are consequences to having an A. I take it to mean that the OP was looking for negative consequences, not pie in the sky.

 

 

 

No, it's not.

 

We are steeped in pride.

[Owl]

I will say there has been a positive for me on my PA. That upset my wife a great deal but she also came to realize that she had completely shut me out of her life, gained tons of weight, and moved out the bedroom and sleeps in another bedroom every night.

 

Would you say that you're glad you had the affair?

 

Would your wife say that SHE's glad you had the affair?

 

Do the positives outweigh the negatives...for BOTH of you?

[twice_shy]

I thought it might be good to have a general topic about many of the bad things that can happen when you get involved with another person.

 

I will tell you guys that I am pretty much opened minded and do understand why people would have affairs as I have myself. However, there are a lot of bad things that can happen.

 

Golddiggers -- This goes for either sex. Lets said your middle aged and you hook up with a hot 20 something chick. She may just try to get as much money from you as possible. This could also resoet to threatening to call your spouse which would pretty much be extortion.

 

Mentally Unstable -- Even if a person seems to mentally stable during the time that you met them, they may night be especially if you try to end the affair with the other person. The person might be upset, come to your house, call your spouse, come sse at your place of work, etc.

 

Guilt Ridden OW - This could happen the other way around also. Lets say you have an affair with another woman. She feels really guilty and tells her husband. Her husband could be a gun totey fanatic who wants revenge on you for doing his wife.

 

I could go on and on but for anyone CONSIDERING having an affair, I think she should know some of the possible consequences such as the ones listed below:

 

Divorce. And keep in mind you would lose the case as adultry is considered next to murder.

 

Financial Problems from divorce and Ailiomony, Child Support, etc.

 

Possibility of getting to see your children very little.

 

Getting Beat up/Killed. An angry spouse might not care about reprucussions

 

Extended Family Issues. You might not feel real comfortable at the next family reunion if it is known you cheated on your spouse.

 

Guilt/Depression. Psychological effects of just having an affair or usually pretty bad. It is much worse if you get caught having and affair and are divorced. There are many people that never fully recover.

 

STDs -- Not a pleasent thought. Even if you use a condom, many people do not for certain acts that they dont feel like they need it. Give your wife VD and see how well that goes over. Also keep in mind that you could catch non STD type viral/bacterial/other types of nasties.

 

Extortion/Blackmail -- What if someone else finds out or you were being used by another person. How would you like it they threatened to telll your spouse unless you paid them xxxxx amount of dollars? Note:

 

Civil Suits -- There are different civil (and actually criminal in somecases.) charges that can be filed against you for adultry. Your partner can actually be sued for ailienation of affection in some states.

 

Tarnished Reputation -- Your reputation could be damaged a great deal especialy in smaller towns and suburbs.

 

Loss of Job -- It is not uncommon for people to be fired when it is known they had an affair. The company will find another reason for it but your supervisor might not think highly of you if he/she knows about.

 

I am one that thinks everyone should make their own as to what is right or wrong for them. However, everyone should know the possible consequences.

 

I am sure there are a lot I am leaving out. Anyone else?

 

Dean

 

Well so far this is a list of selfish reasons to dodge an affair. Nothing in this list actually says anything about feeling bad about hurting someone else in the worst possible way.

 

The list is nothing but a "what is going to happen to ME if I have an affair". Me me me, what is going to happen to poor me if I have an affair.

 

The Guilt/Depression part comes close, but falls very short.

 

So what this list actually does is help one get in the mind of a cheater. And its a pretty pathetic sight.

[twice_shy]

Much simpler for me:

 

Never muck with someone else’s life. Cause you never know when the toes you step on are attached to someone crazier than you.

 

"You meet alot of people in this world on your way up. Don't f##k them, because you meet them on the way down as well"

[Tomcat33]

Well so far this is a list of selfish reasons to dodge an affair. Nothing in this list actually says anything about feeling bad about hurting someone else in the worst possible way.

 

 

Yes that is a very good observation, but keep in mind that a person who goes into an A is only thinking of themselves. So in retrospect to avoid the act they must also choose reasons that stricly pertain to the self.

[Tomcat33]

This appears to be very narrowminded thinkng.

 

The situation was where my wife wanted nothing to do with me well before I had any type of either EA or PA.

 

Anyways, I do not have to justify my actions to you but I think you need to try to get rid of all your preconceived notions that you know what is best for everyone else.

 

Most of the people have complicated situations that is not as simple as classifying each action as good ro bad,, selfish or unselfish.

 

Dean

 

 

It's true in some cases it is like that, it's just too bad that the BS clues in to their neglectful ways AFTER the fact. Once they are cheated on they are willing to make every single change possible to improve the rel.

 

This is also something people just don't get when they blame the A partner for "destroying" a marriage, the two people who were involved in the marriage destroyed it. The A partner walks into an already critical situation but some fail to recognize that, it's just easier to blame outsiders for their lack of ability to carry out their relationship.

 

People do have complicated situations and it's very hard to assess looking from the outside in.

[Owl]

People do have complicated situations and it's very hard to assess looking from the outside in.

 

Its also very easy to rationalize and justify poor behavior by blaming it on the only other person in the marriage. Who's truly to say which is the truth in ANY of these situations? I doubt that even the people actually IN the situation can objectively stand back and see "the truth".

 

Truth in these cases is ALWAYS subjective...the WS has one "truth", the BS another "truth"...and reality is most likely somewhere between the two.

[the_dean]

Its also very easy to rationalize and justify poor behavior by blaming it on the only other person in the marriage. Who's truly to say which is the truth in ANY of these situations? I doubt that even the people actually IN the situation can objectively stand back and see "the truth".

 

Truth in these cases is ALWAYS subjective...the WS has one "truth", the BS another "truth"...and reality is most likely somewhere between the two.

 

I dont agree that these are all selfish reasons. I simply started the thread to give the people contemplating adultry some things they MAY not have thought of. I did have good intentions.

 

Anyways, I do agree about the truth being somewhere between. Believe me, it always is.

 

Dean

[OWoman]

Truth in these cases is ALWAYS subjective...the WS has one "truth", the BS another "truth"...and reality is most likely somewhere between the two.

 

Or somewhere else entirely. Particularly where the M is dysfunctional, and one or both of the MP have distorted views.

 

That's why MC is so critical - not just to be a referee between warring parties, but to offer up different ways of viewing the situation. Like, a "normal" view...?

[Owl]

That's why MC is so critical - not just to be a referee between warring parties, but to offer up different ways of viewing the situation. Like, a "normal" view...?

 

Completely agreed. ESPECIALLY in the case of infidelity...due to the mindset of the typical WS, and emotional trauma of the BS, its pretty much impossible for either of them to really have a "clear picture"...that's a huge value that "neutral third party" provides.