JamesT Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Ive been with my partner for 13 years and we have four children. The last 5 yrs haven't been smooth sailing and we've had many ups and downs. She told me she wasn't in love with me anymore but then said she does still love me its just not what it used to be. She says that I have become too high maintenance and often act like a girlieman. She has told me that she isn't attracted to me anymore and we only have sex maybe once every 3 weeks but she just bends over and says hurry up and finish. I have put a lot of weight on and I know that is one reason, but she also says I could be Mr Buff and she still wouldnt want to have sex with me cause of my high maintenance ways. She's just recently started using facebook and has found heaps of old school friends and now Im worried that she might be catching up with old boyfriends. I dont know why I feel this way I guess its because I have low self esteem because of my weight and because she isn't attracted to me anymore. I keep thinking that she is going to run off with the first guy that comes along. I have told her this and she tries to reassure me and says "Im a 33 yr old mother of four I'm not about to start looking for other men." When I think about it rationally I know its not about to happen. Even the guys she talks to on facebook are married and many of them far from good looking so logic tells me shes not trying to pick them up but then that voice in my head says "Maybe she is up to something" I just wish I could stop feeling this way. I agree that I am high maintenance and stress out too much and do act like a girlieman but I think she's made me like that. I dote on her and do everything for her and hate it when she goes out on girls nights to the pub. We have just moved back to the city after living away for 17 years and while she has heaps of old friends she can go out with I don't have any. I think that is also my problem she encourages me to try and find some mates to go and have a beer with or go out to the pub with on a boys night out but I dont have any. I dont seem to have any interests or hobbies apart from her and I think she feels smothered by me. We do go out as a family to visit friends and family but she wants me to also have some of my own interests. Im lifting weights and doing exercises in an attempt to lose some weight which I hope will help with my low self esteem issues and in turn might fix other problems. But until then its a struggle. Any advice on how I can overcome this?? I would love to be an easy going nothing phases me kind of bloke as I am sure thats what shes attracted too.
lovelorcet Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Man up and grow some balls then. If you have realized that you don't have any hobbies anyways then buy a motorcycle and a bunch of black leather or something.
nellstar Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Ive been with my partner for 13 years and we have four children. The last 5 yrs haven't been smooth sailing and we've had many ups and downs. She told me she wasn't in love with me anymore but then said she does still love me its just not what it used to be. She says that I have become too high maintenance and often act like a girlieman. She has told me that she isn't attracted to me anymore and we only have sex maybe once every 3 weeks but she just bends over and says hurry up and finish. I have put a lot of weight on and I know that is one reason, but she also says I could be Mr Buff and she still wouldnt want to have sex with me cause of my high maintenance ways. She's just recently started using facebook and has found heaps of old school friends and now Im worried that she might be catching up with old boyfriends. I dont know why I feel this way I guess its because I have low self esteem because of my weight and because she isn't attracted to me anymore. I keep thinking that she is going to run off with the first guy that comes along. I have told her this and she tries to reassure me and says "Im a 33 yr old mother of four I'm not about to start looking for other men." When I think about it rationally I know its not about to happen. Even the guys she talks to on facebook are married and many of them far from good looking so logic tells me shes not trying to pick them up but then that voice in my head says "Maybe she is up to something" I just wish I could stop feeling this way. I agree that I am high maintenance and stress out too much and do act like a girlieman but I think she's made me like that. I dote on her and do everything for her and hate it when she goes out on girls nights to the pub. We have just moved back to the city after living away for 17 years and while she has heaps of old friends she can go out with I don't have any. I think that is also my problem she encourages me to try and find some mates to go and have a beer with or go out to the pub with on a boys night out but I dont have any. I dont seem to have any interests or hobbies apart from her and I think she feels smothered by me. We do go out as a family to visit friends and family but she wants me to also have some of my own interests. Im lifting weights and doing exercises in an attempt to lose some weight which I hope will help with my low self esteem issues and in turn might fix other problems. But until then its a struggle. Any advice on how I can overcome this?? I would love to be an easy going nothing phases me kind of bloke as I am sure thats what shes attracted too. This is tough. Quite anyway. She's probably up to something. It always starts with "hooking up with old friends on" FB, MS, Friendster or what-have-yous out there. What do you mean by high maintenance? Places you go to? Material things? How about joining a gym and lose some of your weight? Do it FOR you but not anyone else. Go around and join some clubs - fishing or boating.. whatever you fancy. Do things by yourself. I'm sure if you put some effort into it, your W would see it too and perhaps... it will make her think you have OW (in actual fact, you don't!) and will want you back.. or something.
littlekitty Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 I would also suggest starting by getting to the gym say 3 times a weeek? If you can get yourself a professional trainer as this will help motivate you and is also a good way to start training and also make more friends in the gym. Going to the gym will not only help you lose weight, it will also help your self esteem. You'll be achieving something and the feel good endorphins will make you feel better about everything. Most gyms are fairly social places. I expect after a while you will be able to form friendship and possibly join in with social activities they may be holding. There's no fast route through this, but I think this would be a good start. It's going to get you out of the house, and it can be your first 'hobby'. I'm sure she'll soon notice the positive changes in you. Perhaps also look at the ways in which you are high maintenace. I'm guessing you mean you require constant attention, reassurance etc? Look at ways you can work on these. Perhaps even talking to a counsellor about these things could help you.
amaysngrace Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 You need to get a life outside of hers. Yes it is smothering and draining to be somebody's EVERYTHING. So stop doing that to her. It's unfair. See a counselor if you have to so you can work out your problems but do it on your own and do it for yourself because you are dissatisfied. Not because she is. You can't change how she is. You can only change yourself and the way you see yourself. She'll react however she chooses to react to whatever changes you may make but in the meantime you will get your head straight. You are the one who is always with you. So make yourself happy with you. And if she has anything negative to say about the changes you make that really wouldn't surprise me. She sounds a bit unkind.
burning 4 revenge Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Get a divorce before she leaves you. You can still get out of this without the otherwise inevitable humiliation. Women are naturally promiscuous and she will cuckhold you and then get a lawyer and screw you financially Get out while you still have hand
Storyrider Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Get a divorce before she leaves you. You can still get out of this without the otherwise inevitable humiliation. Women are naturally promiscuous and she will cuckhold you and then get a lawyer and screw you financially Get out while you still have hand Is Woggle out sick?
burning 4 revenge Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Is Woggle out sick?i did feel as if i was channeling the spirit of woggle, but you can't tell me i'm wrong
littlekitty Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 She sounds a bit unkind. I have to agree with that. i did feel as if i was channeling the spirit of woggle, but you can't tell me i'm wrong
amaysngrace Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 you can't tell me i'm wrong especially because in my heart I know you're right
Storyrider Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Ive been with my partner for 13 years and we have four children. The last 5 yrs haven't been smooth sailing and we've had many ups and downs. She told me she wasn't in love with me anymore but then said she does still love me its just not what it used to be. She says that I have become too high maintenance and often act like a girlieman. She has told me that she isn't attracted to me anymore and we only have sex maybe once every 3 weeks but she just bends over and says hurry up and finish. I have put a lot of weight on and I know that is one reason, but she also says I could be Mr Buff and she still wouldnt want to have sex with me cause of my high maintenance ways. She's just recently started using facebook and has found heaps of old school friends and now Im worried that she might be catching up with old boyfriends. I dont know why I feel this way I guess its because I have low self esteem because of my weight and because she isn't attracted to me anymore. I keep thinking that she is going to run off with the first guy that comes along. I have told her this and she tries to reassure me and says "Im a 33 yr old mother of four I'm not about to start looking for other men." When I think about it rationally I know its not about to happen. Even the guys she talks to on facebook are married and many of them far from good looking so logic tells me shes not trying to pick them up but then that voice in my head says "Maybe she is up to something" I just wish I could stop feeling this way. I agree that I am high maintenance and stress out too much and do act like a girlieman but I think she's made me like that. I dote on her and do everything for her and hate it when she goes out on girls nights to the pub. We have just moved back to the city after living away for 17 years and while she has heaps of old friends she can go out with I don't have any. I think that is also my problem she encourages me to try and find some mates to go and have a beer with or go out to the pub with on a boys night out but I dont have any. I dont seem to have any interests or hobbies apart from her and I think she feels smothered by me. We do go out as a family to visit friends and family but she wants me to also have some of my own interests. Im lifting weights and doing exercises in an attempt to lose some weight which I hope will help with my low self esteem issues and in turn might fix other problems. But until then its a struggle. Any advice on how I can overcome this?? I would love to be an easy going nothing phases me kind of bloke as I am sure thats what shes attracted too. Although burning's post is a bit apocalyptic, the highlighted parts add up to trouble. Being 33 and a mother of four doesn't mean anything. If your gut it telling you something is wrong, it probably is.
StartingOver07 Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 It sounds as though your wife is trying to find justification to leave. Perhaps she is discontented with her own life and finds it easier to see you as the source of her unhappiness. I agree that you shoud develop some interests of your own. I am curious as to what she and you mean when you say you are high maintenance. Can you share some examples?
Enema Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 You definitely need more things in your life that don't revolve around her. Try taking up a sport, hopefully you can make some friends and develop more interests. IMO, she's looking up old highschool friends because she's unhappy with her life and wants to relive some memories of when she was happy. In the subconcious part of her mind, she's probably looking to see if everyone is as unhappy as she is. If she thinks she got a raw deal, she'll use it as justification to leave as StartingOver07 says.
Lizzie60 Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Well said Enema.. as usual.. If your instinct tells you that something is going on.. then maybe something IS going on.. who knows? You need to find a life on your own.. as others said.. this is IMPORTANT for you.. she knows you are emotionally dependant on her... and it probably annoys her.. I know it would annoy me to the max. Find a hobby, takes some classes, go to the gym 2-3 times a week.. get into sports.. I don't know.. you need to find something you like. Get on a diet.. you need to lose weight.. for your own sake.. and you owe that to your kids.. At least, if you try to solve your self-esteem problem, she can see you under a different 'light' and get some passion back..
carhill Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 She says that I have become too high maintenance and often act like a girlieman Could you give some specifics here? For example, are you emotional? Sensitive? Feel overwhelmed? I have an instinct here and just want to hear it from you. I've found my Aussie male friends to be an interesting combination of coarseness and emotional openness. It's hard to describe. I feel much closer to them than I ever have with my American friends. Your answers to the above will be telling. Do you live in the city? If you do, just get out and walk to drop the weight. I love walking around the CBD and SouthBank. Problem is avoiding the pubs LOL. Melbourne is so Bohemian that you can go out most any night and find something fun to do (as others here have suggested). Personally, I wouldn't worry about your wife. You can't control how she feels or what she does. Just make sure your kids are taken care of and work on yourself. Your story sounds all too familiar
Woggle Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Then grow a spine and show her what a man you can be. Also if she wants a real man she has to act like a real woman because she has her part of the deal as well.
Author JamesT Posted February 22, 2008 Author Posted February 22, 2008 Well thank you very much for the replies. With regards to facebook no she isnt up to no good. Her sister and some of her girlfriends have been on facebook for ages and she has only just started going on it herself. Most of her contacts are female and the few male ones either I know or are just old school friends that she knew from when she was young (She certanly wouldnt cheat on me with them.) Its not a gut feeling I have about her its my stupid brain telling me "What if shes on facebook to chat to old boyfriends." But then I know she isnt she doesnt hide anything from me and I am free to read her messages etc. Thats the problem I know what Im thinking isnt true but I still cant help thinking it. That is a classic example of my high maintenance. The other day she was typing a message to a female freind on facebook and I walked in just as she closed it. I asked her to show me and she said "no, you have to know everything." I got paranoid and said to her "thats cause you wrote something about me didnt you" We had a big fight and in the end she showed me the message and it was nothing. She said typical of your high maintenance ways to think that. I will often ask her who was that text from or who were you talking to on the phone. In a facebook quiz which asked kinky sex or romance she answered "DEPENDS". I sent her a message saying. "You mean depends on what bloke your with" She cracked it and said no I meant depends on what mood Im in, but typical of your high maintenance ways to think that. I later realised that I was wrong. I know shes looking for reasons to leave. We've been down that path umpteen times before. She's asked me to leave and the next day when she's calmed down she always says NO I dont really want you to go I just want you to change your ways, your too high strung and worry about crap. If she really wanted me to leave her shes had the chance of me walking out if that was what she wanted. When were not fighting we get along great and are good freinds. I haven't gone to a gym as I cant afford it but I do lift weights at home and also walk on alternate days. The weight is starting to come off so hopefully that will help. I know that I should be joining a club or something but Im worried that whilst I was there I would be thinking "What is she doing" I remember as a kid I would always worry about missing out on something if the other kids were somewhere and I wasn't. I think Im like that now. I cant go out and have fun or do my own thing as I would be worried what she was doing and what I might be missing out on. The problem all points to the same thing, because I am overweight I think she doesnt love me and might look for someone else, even though I know deep down that's not likely to happen. When I act like this I am being high maintenance. So Carhill in answer to your question I suppose I am all 3 emotional, sensitive and overwhelmed. I would appreciate your views.
carhill Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 My read is more insecurity than HSP (highly sensitive person) behavior. It sounds like you feel unworthy and think she's going to leave. Insecurity is an emotional state and a powerful one. My wife knows exactly which button to push to find mine It also sounds like your wife is a very patient person and has suffered your insecurities well. That's really good news. I'd make use of some of that emotion and have a heart-to-heart talk with her and be open and vulnerable about your feelings and insecurities and ask for her support. Perhaps MC might work for you, especially if your wife has a hard time seeing and empathizing (from your thread title, this is what I sense) with your current emotional state. A therapist can give her tools to help you and tools for you to help yourself. I see plenty of upside here. Good on ya for bringing it out in the open.
HokeyReligions Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 It sounds like you may be codependent and/or depressed. Seriously, see a doctor to check out your physical health. Keep up with exercise and make sure you are eating a healthy diet. Get involved with your kids more too - you will meet more parents and may develop some friendships there and find some activities to get involved in with them and it might give you more new things in common with your wife so that she sees you in a new light. Let yourself trust your wife more, but more importantly - learn to trust yourself too. A counselor might be able to help you with that. Maybe there is an EAP where you work or call the United Way and see if they can find you a low- or no-cost counselor you can talk to a few times to help you find and stay on a healthy path.
Author JamesT Posted February 22, 2008 Author Posted February 22, 2008 Sorry where I say "I know shes looking for reasons to leave" It should actually say "I know shes NOT looking for reasons to leave." Im guessing you could tell that anyway. Thanks for the replies Carhill and Hokeyreligions. A lot of what you say makes sense and I will certainly listen to your advice. My wife is a very patient person and we have talked about this lots before but yes she does have a hard time empathising with me. I think shes just had enough of it voer the years. She could of ended it many times but always wants to try again. I owe it to her to try and fix things. Once before I lost a heap of weight and things were great. She will never go to an MC she refuses too but I would if I could find one cheap enough. It is all about learning to trust her I just need to be able to do that. Thanks again.
carhill Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 My opinion, and I mean this with respect, is that your wife may just have a personality type that precludes empathy. I have this issue with my wife (she didn't have a sense of empathy for me) but therapy has really helped her in that regard. It's not that she's purposefully emotionally distant, but rather her personality evolved that way from a young child to deal with the stressors in her life. Even if your wife won't consider MC, I think you'll get so much out of IC. It's changed my life, along with reading Dr. Aaron's book about HSP's (which I am). In some ways IC is easier, because you're not hashing out your relationship wounds in the open; this is especially the case for a HSP, because the emotional effects can be overwhelming. My only worry is when you mentioned that you lost weight before and "things were great". In your opinion, did that come from a superficial place (lost weight, looked "more attractive") or from a deeper place (higher self-esteem/confidence, etc)? If the former, that and the fact that your wife won't consider MC would be my only two concerns. Otherwise, bonzer!
Author JamesT Posted February 22, 2008 Author Posted February 22, 2008 My opinion, and I mean this with respect, is that your wife may just have a personality type that precludes empathy. You know what your dead right. That is just her. Shes always been really stubborn and she's never been very affectionate, which is another one of our causes of arguments. I suppose I took it all to heart when its probably just her nature. Last time when I lost weight and things were great I think it was probably 30% she lost weight too so was more confident about letting me see her naked. (Although she wasn't all that fat to begin with she does have body image issues. I'm not allowed into the bathroom when she's in the shower or getting dressed.) 40% because I had more confidence and wasn't such a girlieman. Because we were having relations more I didn't have problems thinking she was looking for someone else and she tolerated me more so we fought less, and 30% I looked hot (Her words not mine. ) I must admit though part of the reason why she thought I was hot..ter was because I was not so girlieman. She has said to me before its the whole package not just part of it. I could have a 6 pack and a chiseled body and she would still be annoyed by my behaviour. Thanks again youve made me realise some major points in all this.
carhill Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 If you can afford IC, I'd go for that and learn some tools to better communicate to your wife what you need from her (if you need affection, which is normal, it shouldn't be conditional) without putting her on the defensive, and then learn the tools to feel like less of a "girlieman", no matter what your weight. With that in place, I'd go out on a limb and do something completely manly, that being making spontaneous love to her in the bathroom. If you get out of there with all your parts, I'll bet a number of things will change. Just a hunch... Just don't tell her someone on an internet chat board suggested it
Mr. Lucky Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 I just wish I could stop feeling this way. I agree that I am high maintenance and stress out too much and do act like a girlieman but I think she's made me like that. Big part of your problem right there and, I'd bet, one of the reasons your wife wishes you'd change: Your wife "made" you like that ? You're not responsible? You're not accountable? You're not capable? I can only imagine how tiring dealing with that kind of passive/agressive neediness would be. You've gotten good advice here regarding IC as you need to understand why you feel so emotionally adrift. Keep posting... Mr. Lucky
carhill Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 I actually see why he might feel that way. My wife also has a tough and aggressive personality, even though she's quite feminine and my personality type does respond to that in an accommodating way. Otherwise, there would be fisticuffs The OP adapted to his environment, to the detriment of his marriage. I can see that for myself as well. The key is recognizing the signposts and learning to change how one responds. Neither his wife, nor mine, is likely to change, so we can only change how we react to have a healthier relationship. I was just as "emotionally adrift" as the OP prior to starting therapy. It's definitely helped a lot. Fortunately, my wife shared that desire and was actually the impetus. The OP's circumstances are different but IC will still work wonders IMO. I would recommend a psychologist, even though they are more expensive than a therapist or counselor. I've found the work more authoritative and substantive. Please do update as you go through the process. Others can learn from your experience.
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