GF separated after 13 years - to figure things out

[smainla]

I have been with my significant other for thirteen years. We've lived together, worked together, everything together for the last eight. I'm 40, she's older.

 

Two Fridays ago - before Valentine's day - she left me. She had prepared this for a little bit as it was a very organized exit. It absolutely blew my mind. I didn't see it coming. In fact, until walking into the house to a voicemail message - we had been great. The night before had been spent with friends, fun, laughter, etc. The day-of had been the usual hugs and kisses and smiles. We were a very physically loving couple.

 

There has never been any infidelity or abusive behaviors in the relationship.

 

In the subsequent hours and days she wrote me how much she loved me and how this was the hardest and most painful thing she could do. She apologized for being a coward; that she did it via voicemail because seeing the pain this caused me would have been too much to bear. She did everything she could to somehow make this less painful for me. huh.

she called me two days after and we bawled our eyes out together on the phone. At that point she had said if I needed to talk to her anytime, day or night that I should call her. I told her I was really going to try NOT to do that.

 

Her reason for separating was (in her own words):

 

> I'm trying to really listen to my sorrowful heart, which has felt abandoned by me over and over again for years. Because I care so much about you, it's very hard to hear what my heart wants when you are near. <

 

 

we have been talking of a child and marriage and the rest - and at her age, it is absolutely a now or never proposition.

Yes, there was foot dragging on the child issue, but I was going along with it. I do admit that I wasn't the most excited, eager fan of the concept.

In January she was supposed to have a surgery for a fibroid. It was delayed (a scheduling conflict by the doctors) and I think that symbolically that did something to her.

 

This has been a wakeup call to me; that I do really want to be a husband and father - hopefully with her. I just hope it's not too late.

 

From everything she's written via email - I'm not positive that the child thing is really the entire issue either. I feel that she's also going through a major mid-life crisis: we are writers and the writers strike really caused a lot of stress and financial panic.

 

We've agreed to a 30 day separation as she tries to figure out whether she wants to opt in or out of life with me.

 

I can't believe that I'm actually writing this about my relationship with her.

 

I am absolutely heart broken and bewildered. I want to do everything right. I emailed her a letter telling her I loved her and would do whatever it took to help her find her happiness - even if it meant permanent breakup. I also reiterated strongly that I was in, in regards to a child; that I really want to do it. Beyond that, I am assuming a NC rule - and it's sooo hard. We work at home and now I'm here by myself - after being around her almost 24/7.

 

I really can't believe my best friend and lover for the last thirteen years did this; that she was somehow so unhappy underneath the smiles, love, laughter that she made such a desperate escape.

 

It seems to me like counseling as a couple would go far with her/our issues, but I don't know if we'll have that chance.

 

God, my chest feels so tight. Are we dead or not?

Edited February 21, 2008 by smainla

[guessjeans]

I know exactly what she is going through. I went through a lot of inferility problems during my 26 yr common law marriage, loss of 2 jobs, I lost my way..simple as that.

 

It took me 4 yrs post separation to realize that I was just going through a period where I didnt know what I was, where I was going, what I wanted, more importantly, what I didnt want.

 

I left the relationship because of other problems, but sitting back now, I realize that I lost my way and I needed this time on my own to grow up, to rediscover myself, but I never stopped loving my ex.

 

Unfortunately, during this learning period of mine, it cost me the man I loved the most in the world.

 

I want to tell him how much I have changed, how I have grown up, become more focused, more independent, more responsible for my feelings, but he isnt really interested anymore. He has moved on with someone else now and seems contend in a relationship where he isnt in love with her, but its safe and comfortable.

 

I figured I would write him a letter someday and tell him all the things Ive learned, how I lost my way, and how I needed to grow and figure out what in life is most important to me...and him and our son is.

 

Give her the space she needs. I was in my 40"s at the time..i am 47 yrs old now..and yep, my hormones were all over the place to add to my confusion and self doubt.

 

There is a saying that if you love something set it free...well, I found my way back to him, but unfortunately it doesnt look like it is going to work out for me, but if it is meant to be, she will find her way back to you.

[smainla]

Thank you for responding. It's like a lifeline.

 

I'm sorry that it didn't work for you. Right now I'm hoping (of course) that she'll feel the same way that you do - but not in four years.

I guess I'm fantasizing that she could resolve her crisis within a month or two; but knowing deep down that is probably fantasy on my part is just killing me.

Also knowing that taking too long will prevent her from ever being a mother, even if not the mother of my child, is also weighing so heavily on my heart.

 

 

Yes, she is also very hormonal. It's something we've (she of course more than I) struggled with over the years.

[smainla]

AAAARGH!

 

sorry.

[smainla]

would it be a good or bad idea to send an email with a couple photos of us from a vacation we took this past December?

[onmyownagain]

No, leave her alone to miss you. Don't contact her at all, this is your only chance at the moment.

[carhill]

IMO, if she caught you by surprise and you noted no major changes in her behaviors towards you prior, there's a really good chance that she has been checked out for awhile and was just masking. The separation letter was evidence of that, in essence absolving you of any "blame" or responsibility.

 

She'll have to work out her issues before she can be back in any meaningful way. NC on this one. She knows where to find you. Leave the door open as long as you can.

 

Sorry about your pain

[smainla]

As we agreed upon (like I had a choice) thirty days have passed since I was hit in the gut with the cannonball. I've had time to think about a lot of things and ultimately - I still want her back; even though there is a lot of anger about how she simply left with no warning whatsoever.

 

Today she emailed me this:

 

--------

Hi, (removed my name),

 

It's thirty days, or there about, and so, in order to be true to my word, I think we should set up a time to talk.

 

I guess I'm thinking it would be best to do it there, but what do you think?

 

I would also like just a little more time -- maybe some time early next week -- if that's okay with you. I'm just getting over a stomach virus, and I've been a little weak.

 

I hope you are taking good care of yourself.

 

Love,

 

(removed her name)

 

---------

 

After reading this, I feel like I just got an execution day or something.

I suggested Tuesday and said I didn't want to meet at our (my) place. I suggested something neutral.

 

Maybe I'm reading into things too much, but I just feel really, really bad.

 

Thoughts, anyone?

[carhill]

A month is an emotional gasp for air. Give it six months to a year and don't ignore any potentials which come your way.

 

I think my prior post is spot on. This has been masked and coming on for a long time. She's just too reasonable.

 

IMO, the opposite of love is indifference, and I'm seeing an abundance of that here

[norajane]

Have you been thinking these last 30 days, maybe about the last few years you've been together? Seeing things in a different light? Maybe recalling signs that she wasn't so happy as you automatically assumed?

 

Because 13 years is a looooooong time to wait for a man to figure out if he wants to get married and have a baby with her. My guess is her unhappiness had been mounting year after year that you procrastinated, and finally - with the fibroid - she realized that she couldn't wait for you anymore. Your half-hearted 'go along with it' on the baby probably didn't fill her with reassurance and joy, either.

 

So NOW, you are finally sure. Because she left. Is that what it had to take for you to want to marry her and have a baby with her? Are you sure you want a child? Or are you saying you are because you don't want to lose her?

 

I hope you have been thinking about all this, because I'm sure she has. I don't know which way she's going to go with it, but if you don't show up to that meeting on Tuesday on bended knee with a diamond ring and a silver baby rattle in your pocket because in your heart that's what you really truly want, you can probably forget it. And it may be too little, too late anyway.

 

Good luck.

[smainla]

Norajane,

You are so right.

 

I spoke to her tonight on the phone. I couldn't wait till Tuesday as the rats gnawing inside my chest were damn painful.

 

We talked for about forty minutes. tears, laughs and heart wrenching honesty.

 

Yes -- my half heartedness 'go along with it' is what filled her with hopelessness. She does love me - a lot. That's not the issue and it's the one thing that gives me any kind of hope.

 

And yeah, I guess I'm a real idiot: it took her leaving for me to look at myself and face issues I've had all my life about parenthood, husband-hood. I've always been a dogmatic, stubborn 'know it all' kind of guy, but being gutted like this forced me to figure out what my issues are/were.

 

The truth is that I do want to be a father and husband - I've never realized it as much before. I hope it's with her. And yeah - 13 years...! wow.

 

So Tuesday... I don't know. A large part of me wants to do exactly what you suggest - show up with a ring. Another part of me fears that she would just see it as another act of desperation.

 

But the deepest fear and sense I have of what will happen - is that she's going to say that we're officially finished.

 

 

we'll see, and if anyone thinks I somehow deserve another chance, keep your fingers crossed for me.

Edited March 9, 2008 by smainla

[PWSX3]

Norajane,

You are so right.

 

I spoke to her tonight on the phone. I couldn't wait till Tuesday as the rats gnawing inside my chest were damn painful.

 

We talked for about forty minutes. tears, laughs and heart wrenching honesty.

 

Yes -- my half heartedness 'go along with it' is what filled her with hopelessness. She does love me - a lot. That's not the issue and it's the one thing that gives me any kind of hope.

 

And yeah, I guess I'm a real idiot: it took her leaving for me to look at myself and face issues I've had all my life about parenthood, husband-hood. I've always been a dogmatic, stubborn 'know it all' kind of guy, but being gutted like this forced me to figure out what my issues are/were.

Don't get yourself down to much on this, you are not the only guy out there that took a separation to get you thinking. You have to remember us guys are fixers, when something isn't right we try & fix it but sometimes we need to be listeners & that is hard for us or at least me.

Since you admit there are things that you could have done different, could have done better at those are the things you need to focus on. Learning to be a better person is the best thing you could do for your relationship because if this one doesn't work out then it will help you understand how the next one can be better if that is what happens.

The truth is that I do want to be a father and husband - I've never realized it as much before. I hope it's with her. And yeah - 13 years...! wow.

This is something you REALLY need to think about. I am also in my 40's & we have a teenager & at this time in my life I really wouldn't want to start a family. Everyone is different but that would be a very big life change.

So Tuesday... I don't know. A large part of me wants to do exactly what you suggest - show up with a ring. Another part of me fears that she would just see it as another act of desperation.

I'm not so sure the ring would be a good idea. Right now both of you have issues that you need to work on by yourself, then if you get back together it might take some time to get your relationship back on track.

Me & my W separated for 7 months & when we got back together it really took some time to finally start feeling like we were a team again. Even though we are back together our interests have change (or at least mine have) & things are just different so it is another adjustment.

But the deepest fear and sense I have of what will happen - is that she's going to say that we're officially finished.

 

 

we'll see, and if anyone thinks I somehow deserve another chance, keep your fingers crossed for me.

I've done a lot of reading & everyone deserves a second chance. We take each other for granted & as we get older we change, our hobbies change & we drift apart.

If she decides she would like to work things out then first you get MC, then you look back at when you first met what were the things you would do to make her happy? (go to movies, take her places, buy her nice things, etc.)

I looked at my situation like this, I was married for 25 years & that marriage is "OVER". What we had was just memories & now we are moving forward with a new part of our life.

You can only use the past as examples to hopefully make your future better.

You can't get mad at her for what she did, she did something she felt she needed to do to grow, maybe see if being with you is what she wanted, who knows but that is done.

Just like you said use this as a wake up call & work on what "YOU" can do, hopefully if you have been trying to better yourself she will see that.

 

I wish you the best.....

[norajane]

So Tuesday... I don't know. A large part of me wants to do exactly what you suggest - show up with a ring. Another part of me fears that she would just see it as another act of desperation.

 

After 13 years, I think you ought to have the balls to take a risk. She wouldn't have stayed with you all that time if she didn't want to be with you. She's at the end of her rope with you - her leaving to think about things was HER act of desperation.

 

If you truly love her and want to marry her, ask her to marry you. Show her that you are serious and aren't just talking out of your ass to get her to come back only to wait around some more.

[smainla]

anyone else want to weigh in? I have two great, but divergent suggestions...

 

I'm willing to take the risk and face-plant on concrete - but I am not willing to look like I'm making a foolish, desperate attempt and screw things up...

Edited March 9, 2008 by smainla

[Gunny376]

I say go for it! What have you got to lose ~ except the love of your life ~ make the offer ~ propose ~ but don't pressure her.

 

What's she going to do? Say no? Leave you? Use harsh language? Take away your birthday?

 

She declines your proposal? Then you get on getting busy with living your life and moving on ~ and finding someone who appreciates what you've got to offer ~ and bring to the table?

 

I realize its hard for you to see it? But, its a win-win regardless of her response!

[norajane]

anyone else want to weigh in? I have two great, but divergent suggestions...

 

I'm willing to take the risk and face-plant on concrete - but I am not willing to look like I'm making a foolish, desperate attempt and screw things up...

 

13 years, dude. She waited THAT long for you to make SOME kind of attempt. Now you're afraid of looking foolish?

 

Your risk is losing her if you don't make a move.

[PWSX3]

In my situation my W said I was controlling & that she wanted to be on her own to figure out who she was, what she wanted.

 

Since then I learned from my past & that things we both did made me do some of the things she didn't want me to do if that makes since.

 

O.K. here is my example for you.

When me & the W separated she was in a fender bender & me & my dad fixed her car for her because my dad has a body shop. I was going to be nice & clean her car out for her because she is a pig. (sorry to be so blunt but that is how I see it )

 

When I posted about this & I also asked a friend if I should clean her car most people said; no don't.

Why? Because that was just another way of me controlling what she did. If she wants to live like a pig then that is her choice not mine & it is her car.

 

Now on the other hand if we were getting along really well & I decided to clean it then maybe she would have seen it as me doing something nice for her which is why I was wanting to do it in the first place so when people are mad at each other even a kind thing can look different to one or the other person.

 

So giving her the ring is a tricky situation, but like Gunny said you really don't have anything to lose if you really want to do it.

 

Be nice to have that crystal ball about now...

[smainla]

I bought a ring; a beautiful Amethyst and diamond white gold ring.

She's not into diamonds and Amethyst is her birthstone.

 

After buying it and thinking about tomorrow, I couldn't find my car for forty minutes... that's how messed up I am.

 

I'm going present the ring with the promise to be everything I can be - the man she didn't quite have before. And if she finds that it's working after sixty days, I want to ask her for more.

 

I don't want to pressure her and if I get the chance to actually propose to her, I want it to be in a setting devoid of the stresses of break up/ reconciliation and doubts. I want it to be a romantic moment we can tell everyone about.

 

Thoughts? Ideas? words of encouragement/discouragement?

[Kasan]

Tell her how you feel about her and if/when you propose tell her that the engagement is going to be a temporary thing and that you want to be married -----you fill in the date.

 

She won't see the proposal as a stall tactic, there will be no doubt in her mind that you mean business.

 

Good luck!

[smainla]

I also got the silver Baby rattle. I'm even writing a little note in the box it comes in -- for our future child.

 

God, I am crying like a baby myself right now. I hope I have a chance.

 

if it works, thanks everyone. If it doesn't, thanks for trying to help.

 

Tomorrow 1:00...

[norajane]

I also got the silver Baby rattle. I'm even writing a little note in the box it comes in -- for our future child.

 

God, I am crying like a baby myself right now. I hope I have a chance.

 

if it works, thanks everyone. If it doesn't, thanks for trying to help.

 

Tomorrow 1:00...

 

Well done.

 

Good luck to you.

[Elyssa]

I also got the silver Baby rattle. I'm even writing a little note in the box it comes in -- for our future child.

 

God, I am crying like a baby myself right now. I hope I have a chance.

 

if it works, thanks everyone. If it doesn't, thanks for trying to help.

 

Tomorrow 1:00...

 

I can't imagine how nervous you must be. I hope it all turns out how you want it to. Best of luck!

 

-E

[smainla]

I'm nervous. But I feel hopeless. I feel like she's going to cry and then deny a chance. I think I'm going to my execution.

[Gunny376]

No GUTS! No GLORY!

 

SEMPER FI!~ DO OR DIE!

 

EITHER WAY? YOU COME OUT THE WINNER!

 

SHE SAYS YES! YOU WIN!

 

SHE SAYS NO? YOU WIN!

 

NOW GET YOUR HAPPY ASS IN THERE ~ SPARTAIN! LIVE LIFE TO ITS TOP!

 

FIGHT DAMNIT! FIGHT!

 

NOT FOR HER? BUT FOR YOUR OWN LIFE! YOU'VE GOT TO WANT TO LIVE!

[norajane]

I'm nervous. But I feel hopeless. I feel like she's going to cry and then deny a chance. I think I'm going to my execution.

 

You aren't. You are going to meet her tomorrow and you are going to tell her how much you love her, have always loved her, and want to spend the rest of your life with her. You are going to sweep her off her feet.

 

If she hesitates and cries and says she can't, that's ok. She may need time to process...you have been keeping her waiting - her own death watch, so to speak - for 13 years. Even if she says no, she will think about it, definitely will.

 

And if, after more thinking, she decides she can't do it, then you know that you have done everything in your power. There is nothing more a person can do.