so_sad Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 My ex-fiance dumped me unceremoniously about 5 months ago and since then has been very Jekyll and Hyde with me, nice one minute and absolutely horrible the next. I still love him but realistically I know I wouldn't want to be with someone who just walks out on a relationship like that. I thought I was doing a good job of dealing with this, I haven't been crying, and I really thought I was starting to come out the other end. I had to go to "our" house (he's in it, but I still own half) today to get some stuff, and saw that his cell phone was there. I looked at the text messages and saw that there were about 50 to and from some woman that I've never heard of. Sappy, disgusting messages talking about making out and how beautiful and nice she is, and about their Valentine's dinner and gifts (!!!) - that last one nearly killed me. Anyway, needless to say reading that made me want to die. I can't believe how fast he's moved on, and considering how allegedly upset he was after our breakup (his words), he seems to be doing just fine. I just can't get over it. I knew he would go out and screw around, but this....it makes me ill. I don't know how to deal with it. He has a girlfriend...and it's not me. And on a related note, who the hell is this chick? She doesn't feel bad going over to MY house and ****ing him, while the whole house is full of my stuff? Who does that?!
Author so_sad Posted February 21, 2008 Author Posted February 21, 2008 And I just found out that she's 23. He's 37. Classy.
spookie Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 I know it hurts, but I think you dodged a bullet. I also think he's utilizing some hardcore avoidance-of-reality tactics. She'll likely get hurt. He'll likely move on, more depressed than before. I don't think you ahve anyone to envy in this situation, and the quicker you move on the better. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, though. You're doing good. It sounds like you're staying strong, given what happened.
daphne Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 He's rebounding to avoid pain. She's boosting his ego. I believe that if you allow yourself to, you'll be over him soon enough and by the time this thing ends with her, he'll have to start grieving. His time is coming. Don't worry.
PinkRibbon Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Welcome to the club! My husband dumped me 4 and a half months ago and has him an early twenties girlfriend also and he is 38 and married. Go figure!!!! She is not meant to be classy she is meant to be easy and fun. I hope he gets some creeping crud!
e.clipse Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 you know, SS, i have often wondered the same thing. you see, when my exbf and i split up for the last time, i saw that he changed his online profiles to read that he was actively looking for girls to date, a mere week later. in fact, he actually wrote that he was looking to meet a "nice young girl." it hurt. quite a lot. especially because just one week before, he was out with me, giving me hugs and kisses. it made me feel like i am so easily replaceable, despite all the good i tried to do, and my sense of self-worth plummeted. and it still hurts. and i think about it often, but then i wonder: what can i do about it? if he has really moved on this quickly or not, it doesn't really matter because, ultimately, i have no control over what he now decides to do. the only thing i do have control over, however, is how much i allow myself to hurt. so, i think that you should make yourself of the idea that what is, is. and that you need to let it be. for comfort, know that most likely, he really is rebounding. after all, some people don't know how to or do not want to deal with the raw feelings of grief, and try to avoid them by jumping into scenarios that helps them mask those feelings. but everyone has to feel at some point. it's better to feel now than later, i think. so, just know that while you may be hurting now, it won't be forever. i know that when the hurt is big, these affirmations seems empty, but they are nonetheless true. he, on the other hand, is choosing to feel later rather than now. and that is worse, in several ways. all in all, the best way to deal with the fact that someone has already moved on, is to think and know that it doesn't really matter anyway. either way, they are not with you, and that is what counts.
sedgwick Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Oh man...I always wonder why folks on here read their exes' texts and emails. No good can come of it!!! I'd say if she's 23 it's a fling. I'm sure he feels very passionate about her right now, but chances are good she'll break his heart. (Let's hope she does, right?) And on a final and totally unrelated note, e.clipse, I LOVE YOUR ICON!!! I love that animation SO much! Is that your tattoo?!?
dfreeman Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 He's rebounding to avoid pain. She's boosting his ego. I believe that if you allow yourself to, you'll be over him soon enough and by the time this thing ends with her, he'll have to start grieving. His time is coming. Don't worry. Hi so_sad, I did this to a woman at age 30 (broke up a 5-year relationship, ran out and had lots of fun with younger girls right away, and later crashed like you wouldn't believe) - His time is definitely coming, he just doesn't know it yet. Close to nine months after I left this woman, I thought I was just enjoying a nice sunny skate through the park when I saw her holding hands with a guy and smiling like she used to smile at me - I almost skated into the lake! Of course, I had long since tired of the bimbos I was chasing and was alone and single. The ensuing year was the most ugly, lonely and painful time of my life. I waited for her and this guy to split up and even tried to reconcile, but this woman had gotten waaaay over me and had too much class to even let me think I had a chance with her. I have gone back and read a few of your posts on here and if you are even half as beautiful on the outside as you are on the inside, his crash is gonna be one for the ages! It seems to me that you are going through some very sincere and heartfelt grief AND healing right now (we'll have a little chat about snooping through his text messages later ) ...I'd take that over the very ugly, desperate and remorseful crap he's got coming later. Don't let the other girls get you down - it has been 14 years since that day at the lake and I have yet to set my eyes on half the woman I pushed out of my life back then. Who knows - maybe my current relationship had to end so I could meet such a woman again? Stay on point...dfree
Author so_sad Posted February 21, 2008 Author Posted February 21, 2008 Thanks everyone. I know, I shouldn't have read the messages and I know that whenever you do that, you're bound to find something that you don't want to see. I definitely found FAR more than I expected. I guess I expected him to start dating, but I never expected him to be having Valentine's dinner and giving gifts!!! a couple of months after we broke up. As recently as three weeks ago he emailed me and told me how upset he was and what a mess his life was, and I actually believed him and almost felt bad for him (he has a way of getting my sympathy). Even if it's just a rebound, it makes me feel awful to think that he's having the time of his life with some 23 year old (she's pretty too, I saw a pic on his cell) while I sit here more alone than I've ever been. dfree, thanks for your perspective, it's really helpful, and it's nice to think that someday I might cause him to rollerblade into a river. I can only hope
SarahT111 Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Dfreeman, Thanks so much!! My ex broke up with me after two years and had a new gf before he even dumped me and is totally happy with his new life and new hot gf. He now acts like I never even exsisted. He didn't mope for a second. He refuses to talk to me and rubs in it at every oppourtunity about how happy he is and how great this new girl is. It well and truley broke my heart and I have been crying for months over it. Its nice to know that he might finally get what he deserves! I cant wait for that day! You have given me hope again! Thanks!!
ibitealil Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Hi so_sad, I did this to a woman at age 30 (broke up a 5-year relationship, ran out and had lots of fun with younger girls right away, and later crashed like you wouldn't believe) - His time is definitely coming, he just doesn't know it yet. Stay on point...dfree I broke up with this guy after a year being together because he said he didnt feel the spark with me anymore. then for about a month he was texting me or calling every two days asking if we should have another chance. I was fine, trying to NC in one hand and secretly hoping on the other hand that he might come back to me until he tells me After another month that hes been seeing this girl for almost three weeks and now it really is over between us. He was hurt by me but now hes over it he said. It s fine cuz now it proves me even more that he didnt love me and i did the right thing but i cant stop the pain of making me feel that im not good enough. I saw this girl, shes not that hot. But she works in the same company with him and he just got promoted into a bigger raise. They both are now happy in a big city. I try to move on trying to build my own happiness but sometimes it just hurts so bad to think that hes doing way better than me and he never needs me. There are many more crap that he did to me but i ll leave it there :-( anyone has experienced the same?
lovelorcet Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Wow! I am sorry that you are so upset but what the hell were you thinking by reading through his cell phone? That is not only wrong but also pretty stupid on your part. All you did was upset yourself and fill your mind with crap that you can't change anyways. If he wants to sleep with a new girl every week that is HIS business and not yours. Let it go. You need to stop worring aobut what he is doing and start to figure out a way for you to move on.
ANGUISHEDandBROKEN Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 (edited) daphne : He's rebounding to avoid pain. She's boosting his ego. I believe that if you allow yourself to, you'll be over him soon enough and by the time this thing ends with her, he'll have to start grieving. His time is coming. Don't worry. Does this happen to women also, as in when they are the dumpers and move on almost forcefully into other relationships and things that will make them "not remeber"? I wish no one harm, but I would feel just a little better knowing that they will hurt just a little like we do... Edited February 21, 2008 by ANGUISHEDandBROKEN
Belkin Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 To believe that karma or God will eventually punish them might help you at first, but as long as you want revenge you'll never move on. You know you'll be over this when you don't care one way or the other about him/her anymore. Going out with a younger girl is his way of coping, he's probably afraid of facing the truth of his loss for now and is trying to fill up the void you left.
sedgwick Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Does this happen to women also Yes, of course! We're not exempt from regret just because we're a different gender.
sandflea Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 To believe that karma or God will eventually punish them might help you at first, but as long as you want revenge you'll never move on. You know you'll be over this when you don't care one way or the other about him/her anymore. Going out with a younger girl is his way of coping, he's probably afraid of facing the truth of his loss for now and is trying to fill up the void you left. I agree totally. He's putting off the crash by using this person as a temporary high. Once this ends (and, <cough> it WILL) - then he'll be twice as low. You need to make sure that you're well along in your recovery when it happens, because he's probably going to be trying to get in touch with you right about then... Hang in there. SF
Ariadne Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Oh, My ex-fiance dumped me unceremoniously about 5 months ago and since then has been very Jekyll and Hyde with me.. He probably dumped you for that girl. Do you know where they met? Guys don't break up a long term relationship for nothing. She must have been in his radar probably. messages talking about making out and how beautiful and nice she is...she's 23. He's 37...she's pretty too, I saw a pic You know how men are suckers for pretty girls. That's all they care about. If a pretty girl they are attracted to gives them the time of day they become saps. But most likely she is going to dump him, unless he is giving her a good life and money and a place to live etc, then she might stay. Hope you sell that house and get your money or that he pays you, otherwise "your" house is going to become their house and that's going to suck even more.
Belkin Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 You need to make sure that you're well along in your recovery when it happens, because he's probably going to be trying to get in touch with you right about then... SF And if that ever happens, you won't care anymore because you'll have moved on already! At the most you'll feel a tinge of pity for him, but that will be all!
Author so_sad Posted February 21, 2008 Author Posted February 21, 2008 Oh, My ex-fiance dumped me unceremoniously about 5 months ago and since then has been very Jekyll and Hyde with me.. He probably dumped you for that girl. Do you know where they met? Guys don't break up a long term relationship for nothing. She must have been in his radar probably. messages talking about making out and how beautiful and nice she is...she's 23. He's 37...she's pretty too, I saw a pic You know how men are suckers for pretty girls. That's all they care about. If a pretty girl they are attracted to gives them the time of day they become saps. But most likely she is going to dump him, unless he is giving her a good life and money and a place to live etc, then she might stay. Hope you sell that house and get your money or that he pays you, otherwise "your" house is going to become their house and that's going to suck even more. Ariadne, He didn't dump me for her. I'm pretty sure he hadn't met her at the time. I agree with you, people don't break up a long-term relationship for nothing. Essentially, he broke up with me because he can't deal with being in an adult relationship and all that that entails. I'm even more convinced of this now that he's dating a 23-year old. With a little distance, I can see that no pulled-together 30-something woman with her life in order would want to get involved with someone who goes out all the time, parties with much younger people, and has no sense of what's appropriate or not. He's dating young women now because they're pretty, sure, but also because they're easy to be with and less demanding. And yes, I'm selling him my share of the house and getting my stuff out, but he's dragging his heels in paying me. Believe me, I want it over and done with as soon as possible. I want nothing to do with him anymore. But still, it really hurts knowing that he hurt me so much emotionally, threw my life into shambles financially and otherwise, and yet he's just going along with his life, partying and having a good time. I don't wish him ill, but I am very disappointed that he's just moved on without thinking about all the damage that he's caused.
sandflea Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 But still, it really hurts knowing that he hurt me so much emotionally, threw my life into shambles financially and otherwise, and yet he's just going along with his life, partying and having a good time. I don't wish him ill, but I am very disappointed that he's just moved on without thinking about all the damage that he's caused. Been there. I know it sucks. My ex wife did exactly the same thing - life was just grande for her, and I picked up the pieces. Your future is bright - hang in there. Trust me, from the way things sound you're much better off... SF
Author so_sad Posted February 21, 2008 Author Posted February 21, 2008 Been there. I know it sucks. My ex wife did exactly the same thing - life was just grande for her, and I picked up the pieces. Your future is bright - hang in there. Trust me, from the way things sound you're much better off... SF Thanks for the encouragement, Sandflea - I need it. You know something funny, though? You look like my ex! In fact, when I first saw your icon I had to squint and get really close to the computer screen to make sure it wasn't him! You seem much nicer (and saner) though.
dfreeman Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Dfreeman, Thanks so much!! My ex broke up with me after two years and had a new gf before he even dumped me and is totally happy with his new life and new hot gf. He now acts like I never even exsisted. He didn't mope for a second. He refuses to talk to me and rubs in it at every oppourtunity about how happy he is and how great this new girl is. It well and truley broke my heart and I have been crying for months over it. Its nice to know that he might finally get what he deserves! I cant wait for that day! You have given me hope again! Thanks!! Well, I certainly did none of that crap to my ex at the time, but I still got what I deserved. I had a very tough time leaving that woman because she was such a strong and beautiful person, but she wanted things that I didn't think that I could provide for her. Once I fully understood what I had lost, it was too late and she simply wasn't in love with me anymore. I never did anything bad to her other than letting her down and breaking her heart. As hard as it was at the time, I figured that asking her back twice was enough and I had to let her go. I was a mess for at least a year and my next relationship was a friggin joke. The woman that I left however, never wished me harm or pain, but if she had any hurt pride that needed redemption - I certainly provided that. All I can say to you is this... I am not sure if he will ever try to get you back, but if you really want it to hurt (and, if he were a great guy like me and not a jerk - eventually help ), be sure to be as nice as humanly possible about it. Let him truly see what he is missing. Show him a woman so beautiful that he would realize that he doesn't even stand a chance of getting someone like you. This woman did that to me with style and class (in her case, she sincerely loves me as a friend and did not want to hurt me, but suit your own purpose) and I can say, there is no way on earth she could have hurt me more Anybody that rubs it in after they break up with you already has some seriously bad karma coming their way - traffic will probably get to this a-hole before you even get a swing at him!
blind_otter Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 It's been like 3+ years since this happened, but I still remember. I saw my then ex-BF in a club at new year's with his new gf. They were all laughing and smiling and sweet. He was such an abusive a-hole. Anyways, I ended up walking up to him. He was caught by surprise, seeing me there (I hardly ever go out). Then I punched him in the throat. It was pretty satisfying.
spookie Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 It's been like 3+ years since this happened, but I still remember. I saw my then ex-BF in a club at new year's with his new gf. They were all laughing and smiling and sweet. He was such an abusive a-hole. Anyways, I ended up walking up to him. He was caught by surprise, seeing me there (I hardly ever go out). Then I punched him in the throat. It was pretty satisfying. You're a badass.
ANGUISHEDandBROKEN Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Yes, of course! We're not exempt from regret just because we're a different gender. Thanx SEDGWICK.... I had people tell me so before, but I have also read and had responses on these forums that it usually doesnt happen to women because they already had thought long and hard before breaking it off.... But your response is most enlightening.... I guess most dumpers sooner or later will regret and hurt like us.....unless they left because of abusive reasons. And I guess the regret only happens when they see that their rebound relationship didnt work and wish they had us back (only temporarily though). So I guess if anybody ever gets a call later on from their ex, just play it cool and dont expect anything or act all clingy so that you can leave on top and not give them that spot again.
Recommended Posts