Woggle Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 How exactly do men date? The problem with these women who think that emulating the worst male stereotypes will liberate them is that they don't understand men at all. I am convinced that many women understand men even less than men understand women.
Taramere Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 (edited) I suppose the stereotype of how a player dates would be that he has a series of short involvements (some of them running concurrently) in which he doesn't get emotionally attached but does get physically intimate. Any woman who can quite happily have sex without feeling emotionally involved would probably do fine dating like a man, and will no doubt have a lot of admirers. There's a tough quality to a woman like that, which men like and relate to. She's very different to the insecure woman who uses sex in an effort to get love. It's not for me. I'm fairly emotional, and moreover I like experiencing my emotions - so why would I want to date men who I had to switch them off for? I'm pretty confident that I don't express my them in a suffocating or unreasonable manner. One thing I like about myself (and we all have to like something) is that I've got a good level of emotional intelligence, and I certainly wouldn't be prepared to sacrifice that for the sake of looking a bit more cool and guy-like in the dating game. In any case, what's wrong with being a woman? Why should we always apologise for/try to disguise what we are? Edited February 21, 2008 by Taramere
shadowplay Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 "Wow, I really admire that person and wish I could be more like them!" Shockingly often...
Kamille Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Shockingly often... But Shadow, that's because you don't believe in your own strenght.
Trialbyfire Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 In any case, what's wrong with being a woman? Why should we always apologise for/try to disguise what we are? Exactly. There's nothing wrong in being a woman, if anything, being a woman has many, many benefits. There's also nothing wrong with having strong emotions, as long as you learn to control them so that your decision-making, isn't all over the map. Decisions based solely on emotions, tend to be the ones you regret, in the long-term.
Ariadne Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Any woman who can quite happily have sex without feeling emotionally involved would probably do fine dating like a man, and will no doubt have a lot of admirers. There's a tough quality to a woman like that, which men like and relate to. She's very different to the insecure woman who uses sex in an effort to get love. I keep reading that over and over, I mean, how do they do it? Just have sex with some guy and suddenly you'll have "feelings" for him? Every guy I was sexually involved with I never got to be emotionally involved. If I don't like that guy from the start I won't have feelings for him later, if anything, I'll start liking him less. If I like a guy a whole lot and have sex then yes, I might become more attached, but I liked him already (it never happened for me though, those guys don't like me). I wish it'd work for me.. Just date anybody, the first that comes around, have sex with him, and then I'd have feelings for him and find "love".
scratch Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Any woman who can quite happily have sex without feeling emotionally involved would probably do fine dating like a man, and will no doubt have a lot of admirers. There's a tough quality to a woman like that, which men like and relate to. She's very different to the insecure woman who uses sex in an effort to get love. It's not for me. Emphasis mine, to point out the key as to whether this philosophy will succeed or fail. Everyone (men and women) should adopt the dating style with which they are most comfortable, and most likely to make them happy. If you like seeing multiple people, fine. If not, that's okay too. But do what works for you instead of trying to do what will save you from occasionally feeling disappointed. Anecdotally, there have been several instances where I've met women who dated me to prove to themselves that they could handle casual sex. It didn't make any of them happy. Roughly half the time, it made them feel used because they didn't even try to extract a show of caring or specialness on my part. Of course, if casual sex was what they really wanted, it was usually a very pleasant situation. Again, know thyself.
Lizzie60 Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 It IS for me... Any woman who can quite happily have sex without feeling emotionally involved would probably do fine dating like a man, and will no doubt have a lot of admirers. There's a tough quality to a woman like that, which men like and relate to. She's very different to the insecure woman who uses sex in an effort to get love. In any case, what's wrong with being a woman? Why should we always apologise for/try to disguise what we are? Well said.. I feel the same way.. Eventhough most women associate sex with 'love' some women are more like men.. I am one of them.. and I am very happy.
Taramere Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Anecdotally, there have been several instances where I've met women who dated me to prove to themselves that they could handle casual sex. It didn't make any of them happy. Roughly half the time, it made them feel used because they didn't even try to extract a show of caring or specialness on my part. Did they tell you they felt used, or did they display it by their behaviour? Eventhough most women associate sex with 'love' some women are more like men.. I am one of them.. and I am very happy. A couple of friends of mine spring to mind here. Both are definite extroverts. Like you they have quite a guy-like approach towards sex and relationships. Those two are for real, but I know other women who fall more into the category scratch referred to - ie kidding themselves about what they can handle.
Lizzie60 Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Did they tell you they felt used, or did they display it by their behaviour? A couple of friends of mine spring to mind here. Both are definite extroverts. Like you they have quite a guy-like approach towards sex and relationships. Those two are for real, but I know other women who fall more into the category scratch referred to - ie kidding themselves about what they can handle. Well in the cases Scratch is talking about.. these women are insecure and would settle just for about anything IMO.. if they have no pleasure in casual sex.. then they are the 'idiots'... sorry but I have no patience with women who endure things they do not have to...
Taramere Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Well in the cases Scratch is talking about.. these women are insecure and would settle just for about anything IMO.. if they have no pleasure in casual sex.. then they are the 'idiots'... sorry but I have no patience with women who endure things they do not have to... I agree with that to a point, though I think people experiment with their own boundaries as part of establishing who they are and what they want. It could be that the women scratch mentioned were still in the process of working a few things out for themselves. Hopefully they'd get beyond that sense of being used or feeling silly, and just accept it as a learning experience in finding their own limits and preferences.
latefragment Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 The catch-22 is when the woman has a high libido for (sex with an actual person as opposed to a toy or whatever) BUT she knows that she gets attached easily. Then you're really in a tough place. You either spend your days climbing the walls or getting treated like a doormat, unless you can find someone who wants a relationship.
Ebeleptik38 Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Wow from what I'm reading, most women seem to have adopted this whole "dating like a guy" thing. I agree it is good to keep your options open and what not, but I don't quite understand how you can have sex without feelings being involved, maybe I'm just old fashioned. I usually don't have sex with someone who I don't see myself with or better yet I would expect something to come of it. I have never been one myself to want to sleep around because I fear contracting some kinda STD, I am also very picky when it comes to women so thats probably why when I do have sex I hope it turns into something. But when it doesn't go my way, I usually end up a little bummed out. Maybe I'm just dating alot of women who have this kind of approach when it comes to dating. What do you ladies think?
Lizzie60 Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 The catch-22 is when the woman has a high libido for (sex with an actual person as opposed to a toy or whatever) BUT she knows that she gets attached easily. Then you're really in a tough place. You either spend your days climbing the walls or getting treated like a doormat, unless you can find someone who wants a relationship. I agree.. she has to separate sex and love.. otherwise she can be very miserable... one way or the other she could be doomed to be miserable... because I think that sex without commitment is the best way to go.. for singles who want to remain singles.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 I agree.. she has to separate sex and love.. otherwise she can be very miserable... one way or the other she could be doomed to be miserable... because I think that sex without commitment is the best way to go.. for singles who want to remain singles. Great advice, but that kind of approach towards dating can only come out of experience. Being dumped and played more often than not will build up enough resentment for a person to act like that. I should get started.
StartingOver07 Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Interesting thread. I disagree with the notion that there is any such thing as dating like a man (or like a woman). Do all men (or women) date in one particular way? In my experience, men are the ones wanting to commit, get serious, become engaged, etc. I have yet to date anyone who just wants sex. I think we all tend to draw certain personality types, and, quite often, we experience themes or patterns in our relationships. The more emotionally healthy we are, the more likely it is that we will attract (and recognise)others who are also emotionally healthy and will be able to give us what we need/want. When relationship after relationship follows the same negative pattern, it's time to take a look inside, not at a new strategy that will only mask the underlying issues. Just my $.02.
Precious K Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 I keep seeing this phrase on girls' MySpace pages, and a friend just said it to me as some form of advice... it's turning into a cultural dating proverb, it seems. I suppose it should be obvious, but how do you interpret that phrase? "Date like a man, so you don't get played like a b*tch!" LOL... I thought it was hilarious!! But its kinda true in a sense!
Lizzie60 Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Great advice, but that kind of approach towards dating can only come out of experience. Being dumped and played more often than not will build up enough resentment for a person to act like that. I should get started. Humm.. not necessarily.. I've never been dumped or played.. I was the dumper.. not the dumpee... so I don't think that a woman/man has to have experienced painful relationships to think that way. I am not sure if experience has anything to do with it or if it's only normal for certain person to change that way..
Trialbyfire Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Maybe the difference is, that some people want to feel deeply about another in an exclusive relationship, and others are afraid or incapable of feeling deeply for another. Wear and tear. So with this in mind, if you always date superficially, you'll never be hurt. On the other hand, you'll also never experience a great love. Bring it...for being a woman who's unafraid of life.
Taramere Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 So with this in mind, if you always date superficially, you'll never be hurt. On the other hand, you'll also never experience a great love. I think some people aren't wired for strong emotion. During a break up conversation, an ex told me he loved me as much as he was capable of loving anyone, but couldn't comprehend the emotional reaction he was seeing from me. Couldn't imagine loving anyone to the extent that being cheated on by them would hurt that much. Perhaps the sense of independence, power and superiority a person experiences in that situation is every bit as heady as the sensation of being in love. Or if not, an adequate substitute for it.
Lishy Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Interesting thread. When relationship after relationship follows the same negative pattern, it's time to take a look inside, not at a new strategy that will only mask the underlying issues. Just my $.02. I completely agree! Take an example that if a woman comes across as needy and whiney a guy will soon lose interest, and if she does that to every guy she would get the same result every time I think if we get the same outcome with every relationship, we should know it is probably us at fault!
allina Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 I'm not sure if this is related to dating like a man but it's another variation in how people approach dating relationships. It's like some people sacrifice too much and love too much. They give up their own sanity and happiness for their love. Others, no matter how much they love always love themselves more. It's not that these people are selfish or don't feel love and hurt but when needed they'll take care of themselves first.
Taramere Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 (edited) I keep reading that over and over, I mean, how do they do it? Just have sex with some guy and suddenly you'll have "feelings" for him? I don't think the object is to have feelings. More to have fun, and in some cases feelings will develop in the course of that fun. A lot of people do get tangled up as a result of their own emotional intensity. A very emotional woman might perceive a less emotional man as being completely detached - when the reality is that he does have feelings, but they're just less intense than hers. But if she sees it from an extreme perspective - ie that he's emotionally dead, and that this has somehow raised him above her - then in order to mimic his behaviour, she seeks to kill her own emotions off altogether instead of just trying to discipline them. I know that sounds extreme, but I think it's something people who are less than stable tend to do. ie veer from strong, obsessive emotions to a deadness that they take a weird kind of pride in. I don't know if that was the case with the ex boyfriend I mentioned. He'd had quite a few tragedies in his life, and before he met me he'd also been humiliated in several unrequited love situations. If a series of events like that teach you to despise your own emotions, you're probably going to despise other people's too. I reckon I caught the tail end of that a bit. I guess, as others have suggested, that the advice here is intended to be less about despising/switching your own emotions off and more about keeping things in proportion and learning not to put all your eggs in one basket. If I don't like that guy from the start I won't have feelings for him later, if anything, I'll start liking him less. If I like a guy a whole lot and have sex then yes, I might become more attached, but I liked him already (it never happened for me though, those guys don't like me). What made you think the guys you liked didn't like you? I wish it'd work for me.. Just date anybody, the first that comes around, have sex with him, and then I'd have feelings for him and find "love". I don't think that would work for many people. If you're not drawn to someone, having sex with them isn't going to change that. Edited February 22, 2008 by Taramere
Trimmer Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Definately not trying to insult. I just think that the old fashioned way of dating shoudl still be in place today. If it's not there for me, I move on... I am a Republican and proudly so. The difference between the two is that the dating, pregnancy and marriage has all gone out the window. If you're proud of that, than that's on you and it ruins it for the rest of us conservative women, because why would a guy want to be with someone with morals and values, when they could be with a liberal and just f**k and it's done. I think I'm going to be more of a Green Party dater. You know... aluminum-free anti-perspirant, lamb-skin condoms, vegan meals cooked over solar powered electric burners, taking carbon-neutral public transportation to see documentaries, shopping together at the local food co-op, and if she does get pregnant, then we'll stop at just one kid, to help reverse population growth... (Incidentally, in your progression above, did you mean to put pregnancy before marriage? Doesn't seem to mesh with a "conservative" dating approach... )
Ebeleptik38 Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 after reading all these responses....it just seems like everyone is ranting from what their own emotional involvement in relationships at whatever moment in time that they are at. It really doesn't seem like there is an answer really to the "phrase" that started it all. So whatever- f**k works for whoever... so be it. However I think its beneficial and at the the same time careless to just date around without investing feelings in whomever your seeing, your always going to be lacking one side or another depending on what emotional level your seeking. If you want to go out banging whoever you want...good luck finding that "one", your always going to have a hard time settling, and for others who invest too much emotion in a person...your just going to get hurt more often than not. I guess all you can do is find your balance between the two and at the same time everyone is always looking for that "one" in the long-run. Dating...ain't it just a blast? :/
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